Should I have been informed?

[HereForTeaAndCake]

DS10 was invited to a friend's house for the day but it turns out the children spent most of their time wandering the street unsupervised, calling on friends etc. I was not consulted and DS has no phone and has only recently been ready for playdates without me. I only learned of how little time he spent at said friend's house when he was picked up. AIBU to think that I should have been given the choice?

I'm in the suburbs of a Scottish town.

Kids start playing out from about age 6.
My 10 year old is allowed into the town centre on the bus with her friends.
My 14 year old is allowed to go to neighbouring towns and cities on the bus or train.

Yanbu and it is obviously inappropriate at 10. If something happened police and ss would be all over them for neglect. In the cul de sac is different to 3 residential areas as you say. 10 is year 5 so highly unlikely most are used to this. Prep for high school might start in Yr 6, probably after Christmas.
Also a bit weird of pp to think a yr7 parent would very ok with them just wandering around and going to friends houses without letting a parent know where they are. Maybe yr8 or yr9.
I am a secondary teacher and these parents worry me almost as much as the ones who mollycoddle their yr11!

The police and SS would NOT be all over anyone for neglect if god forbid something happened to a group of ten year olds within 15 mins walking distance of their homes. Absolutely crackers thing to say, especially from a teacher.

Well I never even let my boys walk home from primary school 10 mins away on their own or go anywhere near main roads and they've turned into two very independent, successful adults!

@HereForTeaAndCake

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I remember being livid when our son was invited to the cinema with a friend & his dad (at a similar age) & we found out (after the event - from our son) that the dad had just dropped off/picked up outside & left the boys to fend for themselves - it was a popular new release, weekend showing, absolutely heaving with people. 😡

No the police and SS would not be all over it.

That's very surprising.

She should have checked with you first.

“Roaming the streets”? You make it sound like they were traipsing around all day like poor little waifs. What do you think children do outdoors? Whether on foot or on their bikes or scooters, all the ones I see are basically just wandering/scooting/cycling around chatting with friends and having fun.

Is he your eldest? I’m getting PFB vibes.

Sounds nice really.

I work with Social Work and have never seen a family investigated for neglect of a child of similar age has been involved in an accident. Maybe if they’d been locked out of the house or didn’t know where their parents were, but not playing out with a friend!

On the contrary, I think a parent has a responsibility to prepare their children for life including being able to safely cross a road by 10 years old!

I don't think YABU though I've been the other parent in this situation.

My son had a friend round after school, they asked to go off to the park about 5 minutes walk down the (not busy) road and I said sure no problem not really thinking about it. 5 minutes later I realised that his mum wasn't aware they were out playing without supervision and felt uncomfortable with that, so went to catch them up then stayed with them.

She probably didn't realise your son isn't already going out to play alone. If he was happy going out to play I'd look at a cheap phone or one of those watches that you can call, then he can call you to ask when he's at his friends, and can contact you in an emergency. A lot of the 9/10yo boys my son knows are out playing by themselves

I remember the first time I went round to a friend's house and we walked down to the park on our own. The wonderful feeling of freedom-and the guilt knowing that dm would not have let me.

I never told dm. Because I knew if I had then I wouldn't have been allowed round there again.
There were a couple of times where I was uncomfortable with something and couldn't tell dm because then it would have come out that we were walking to the park on our own. So I had to work out on my own how to handle it. Nothing that bad happened, but it could have done iyswim.

He told you what he'd done. That's great. You listen and you sound happy about it. You can (gently and at another time) talk through things like what to do if they get separated, difficulties happen etc.
But if your reaction is to make a fuss, then next time he does something he's not sure whether you'll approve of, then he won't tell you. And maybe there'll be something he could do with talking through with an adult and he won't.

Year 6 teacher in London here. I think it’s entirely inappropriate. There’s a huge gulf between the maturity of ten year olds - esp boys - and if you’ve invited someone over to play, you’re responsible for them.

I would also check how long they were out for though as kids naturally exaggerate so it might not have been all day.

I grew up in rural Scotland and used to walk to school alone from age 6 in the 1980s. Life has changed.

Do you let him play out without an adult normally? If not you should have made the parent aware.

Yanbu

In my opinion you are not being unreasonable .

I had that exact situation today. Friend of 10yo DS’s came over, and they wanted to go to the skate park 2 mins from our house and call on another friend who lives the other side of the park. I texted the mum and said ‘do you mind if they do this, ds has a phone and I’ll track him’. She replied with a ‘no problem’ and that was that. I wouldn’t have let them go without checking first though.

Things like this are good for kids and will
hep him get over his anxiety, which may be caused by you being too over protective

My DD2 (12) stayed with a friend last night, her dad dropped her off as I was working away. The two girls (friend is 11) wanted to go to local town by bus, mum has never allowed this, I do, but DD hasn’t been to that town on her own. Friends mum took them to the bus stop, saw them onto the bus, and collected them from the town later.

mum messaged me to check I was happy, but I was busy. Mum suggested checking if my DH was happy, DD advised DH would not be able to answer her phone, so permission was sought from DD1(15). Mum knows DD1. In fact, it was friend’s dad who swayed it.

the big difference here is that I was asked

Yanbu. Maybe it was an oversight on the friends mum, but I’d be extremely annoyed and would think twice before sending my child there again.

There’s a huge difference in playing out in the immediate vicinity of one’s home, where you’d be able to view them almost instantly (and assist them, should they need it) and being several streets away in an unfamiliar area.

Quite shocked at a pp who allows their 10 year old to catch a bus alone, to go into the local town. I think that is very irresponsible. Doesn’t matter how streetwise and savvy your kids are; A 10 year old is no match for a predatory adult. I hope these people don’t live to regret their decision.

The problem you have is that many of these laughing called parents don’t have a clue. That is why stabbings and bad behaviour is on the up with younger children. I think you would be better stopping your son going there and have them over to you where you are able to set the rules and keep an eye on them. I would also if you’re going to allow him to go there again maybe get a mobile with a tracker so you know where he is and are able to get hold of him.

I would be livid. YANBU

It's impossible to say because we only have the way OP has phrased it, which is "roaming around", "wandering the streets", etc – which obviously paints a certain picture.

To the other mum, it may have been calling on some safe friends and neighbours in a safe neighbourhood.

So much depends on what the neighbourhood was like, how long they walked about for, were they walking around pointlessly or to the next house, etc. Pointless to say YABU or YANBU without context.

This. I would go ape if this happened to my child and none of the children in her friendship group do this. The area we live in has so many main roads but to be fair we won't be letting our 10 year old walk the streets and when she starts to walk home from school (letter part of Yr 6) she will have a phone.
The bottom line is that you make the decisions on what is acceptable for your child, not people on mumsnet.