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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request a new health visitor?

157 replies

Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:05

I booked the soft play for my toddler and baby last night as my toddler has the week off nursery i remebered this morning the health visitor was coming so i text to let her know and asked her to come another day it was sent on imessage and i saw she read the text any way i got in the shower and she rang but i couldnt answer 10/15 mins later i heard my door and my partner answered it was her asking to come in my partner said no and reminded her i had let her know not to come today as we are going out she said she knows and began begging too come in saying she needs to see the kids my partner kept kindly saying no as we are busy ( i needed to get the kids showered after mine and we was already rushing for our booking ) i found what she did disrespectful and im confused as to why she did this she is also always judging me and asking very personal questions about my childhood and other things she even knows my biological mums name which i have never mentioned? and when i rang up to request a new health visitor i was told all the things that she is doing is what any health visitor does is this correct what is everyones opinions on this please?

OP posts:
pointythings · 15/02/2023 13:07

It sounds as if she has concerns - is there any reason why that would be the case?

That said, HV visits are not compulsory. You can call them and tell them you no longer want their input.

Dijoduo · 15/02/2023 13:08

This sounds very strange. How often have you seen her? I’ve never had enough interaction for them to even remember my name without their notes.

Original poster
Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:10

I also forgot to mention my baby was born in august last year and i have seen her way more than ten times already she told me that is because sometimes i can be disengaging this makes me feel as though it is mandatory when i am well aware its volountary i just dont know why im being treat this way at all.

OP posts:
Flamingogirl08 · 15/02/2023 13:15

Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:10

I also forgot to mention my baby was born in august last year and i have seen her way more than ten times already she told me that is because sometimes i can be disengaging this makes me feel as though it is mandatory when i am well aware its volountary i just dont know why im being treat this way at all.

Hmm is there a reason she would have concerns. My baby was born in May and I've seen the health visitor once!

bluelollipop99 · 15/02/2023 13:15

She sounds awful OP. Rude and innapropriate. Email , ( so you have evidence) , HV management in your area , bullet pointing what she is doing to make you uncomfortable, you no longer consent to her visiting or contacting you and ask them to confirm they've allocated a new HV. Ensure you use the title formal complaint.

Moraxella · 15/02/2023 13:17

But you double booked soft play? Surely HV visit (or any healthcare appt) is a bigger priority?

Dijoduo · 15/02/2023 13:17

Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:10

I also forgot to mention my baby was born in august last year and i have seen her way more than ten times already she told me that is because sometimes i can be disengaging this makes me feel as though it is mandatory when i am well aware its volountary i just dont know why im being treat this way at all.

Clearly something else is going on then. She can’t just insist on appointments like that. Are you under any other services for anything? Do you or your children have any additional needs or special circumstances? She seems very odd but if she were this odd with everyone it would’ve been noticed before now. Do you know why she’s targeting you?

Original poster
Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:19

hi it would be priority if she came to check or talk about my kids she doesnt she comes every week or two and sits in my house for over an hour asking personal questions about me, my money and my family its never about my kids or there health

OP posts:
Tannedandfake · 15/02/2023 13:22

There’s clearly concerns over your parenting if your HV is calling that often. What are they worried about?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 15/02/2023 13:22

When children are killed by their parents, there are always calls about why the authorities did not notice. If it feels you are putting her off or being evasive, she is going to be concerned. Even when it is innocent it will seem like a red flag.

Original poster
Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:23

Hi no i dont have any other services i had social services when i had my first at 16 for a few weeks as i was living alone in scotland and all my family is in england but they said they dont need to be involved with me im now 19 with a three year old and just got this new health visitor when my son was born six months ago i feel any concerns she could have is just based on her judging me she is stressing me out and prying into my past

OP posts:
Dijoduo · 15/02/2023 13:23

Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:19

hi it would be priority if she came to check or talk about my kids she doesnt she comes every week or two and sits in my house for over an hour asking personal questions about me, my money and my family its never about my kids or there health

Kindly, this is what she means about you not engaging. You’ve been asked a lot of direct questions and completely ignored them.

pointythings · 15/02/2023 13:25

It'll be your history of having a child at 16 and having had SS involvement that's causing this. As a 19yo with 2 under 4 you are probably on their radar. Is there anyone who could advocate for you so that you can get to the bottom of what you need to do to reassure them you are well and coping?

Original poster
Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:25

i dont ignore anything she asks i answer all her questions

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshmallow · 15/02/2023 13:28

i have asked her many times if she has any concerns because im aware im being treat differently and she says no she has no concerns every single time. i dont know what im doing wrong my kids are well looked after and developing well they have everything they need if i knew a reason why she could be concerened i wouldnt be asking for help

OP posts:
Nearlyamumoftwo · 15/02/2023 13:29

Hi @Mooshmallow it sounds like you cancelled fairly last minute. I don’t think this is appropriate. You’ve also prioritised soft play over a prearranged meeting which I don’t think is right.

considerinf she turned up, and you hadn’t left yet I would have invited her in. It’s strange you didn’t want to and this probably hasn’t helped for the future.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 15/02/2023 13:30

Moraxella · 15/02/2023 13:17

But you double booked soft play? Surely HV visit (or any healthcare appt) is a bigger priority?

Not if she’s already seen her this often. It’s not like health visitors are any use anyway.
OP you don’t have to see a health visitor. Just tell them you don’t want one any more as she is harassing you.

BlueHotel · 15/02/2023 13:34

... and she might have been concerned because it was your partner who answered the door and didn't let her in.

GoodChat · 15/02/2023 13:35

OP I have a child who's 12 months older than yours and I've seen health visitors 3 times in total - including because we moved house so had an introduction with a new HV. If you've seen yours 10 times since august, there are concerns and she's told you she's already concerned with your engagement, or lack of.

I'd strongly recommend working with her.

Vicarandvicar · 15/02/2023 13:35

Sounds like rightly or wrongly you are on a sort of low burn safeguarding check. Probably social services have said they don’t have any ongoing concerns but said HV has to keep up with you. Obviously this hasn’t been done in a transparent way.

I’d ask to have an email address for her boss and explain in writing that you are very happy to see a health visitor to discuss your children and any needs they may have but that you don’t feel other discussions are productive. If they do have any concerns you would be very happy to discuss them as you always want the best for your children hence why you don’t want to spend long sessions ignoring your children to talk to the health visitor rather than doing things with them (e.g taking them to soft play as you were today).

Hopefully then some sort of up front discussion can be had and if they have concerns they will share them with you. It’s very reasonable to want some transparency.

MisgenderedSwan · 15/02/2023 13:37

Health visitors can't really win. It sounds like you cancelled fairly last minute with an odd excuse about soft play - surely this could have been booked any other time this week. The HV may have already been on her way to you. For her to arrive and your partner answer the door and refuse to let her in she may have been concerned for yours or the children's safety. She would have been dragged forever more IF something had happened to either you or them and she was right there and didn't ask to see you.

bluelollipop99 · 15/02/2023 13:38

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SpinningFloppa · 15/02/2023 13:39

Something else is going on here. My daughter is 5 and I saw the HV once! When she was 10 days old... They never came again after and told me if I needed them I could come to the clinic which I never did, she obviously has concerns about you and just hasnt voiced them.

WeWereInParis · 15/02/2023 13:39

Did you agree the appointment time with the HV? If so I think you shouldn't have double booked it.

But if the HV just gave you a time (which is what my HV did the other week for my DD's 9 month check and she's been an absolute pain about me trying to change it despite me being back at work) she can't expect it to be fine all the time.

pointythings · 15/02/2023 13:39

I agree with @Vicarandvicar that your best bet is to go the formal email route requesting transparency and working towards an arrangement that works for everybody. They need to be honest with you about why they feel the need to see you so often.