To request a new health visitor?

[Mooshmallow]

I booked the soft play for my toddler and baby last night as my toddler has the week off nursery i remebered this morning the health visitor was coming so i text to let her know and asked her to come another day it was sent on imessage and i saw she read the text any way i got in the shower and she rang but i couldnt answer 10/15 mins later i heard my door and my partner answered it was her asking to come in my partner said no and reminded her i had let her know not to come today as we are going out she said she knows and began begging too come in saying she needs to see the kids my partner kept kindly saying no as we are busy ( i needed to get the kids showered after mine and we was already rushing for our booking ) i found what she did disrespectful and im confused as to why she did this she is also always judging me and asking very personal questions about my childhood and other things she even knows my biological mums name which i have never mentioned? and when i rang up to request a new health visitor i was told all the things that she is doing is what any health visitor does is this correct what is everyones opinions on this please?

YABU to cancel an appointment, the morning of the appointment, for soft play. That is quite unusual behaviour tbh and I can see why the HV might get a niggling feeling something is wrong from that.

YWNBU to request a new HV. Obviously, for whatever reason, this one isn't helping you. Health visitors are there to support you, hopefully you could find a new one who you get on with better. You could go into it as a clean slate and view the HV as a helping hand to point you in the way of resources etc.

Health visitors aren't mandatory at the end of the day, but good ones can be very helpful.

She hasn't said he's controlling. It sounds like he respect OP's wishes.

Engagement with Health Visiting is voluntary. If there are no concerns or statutory involvement you are within your rights to rearrange/ cancel appointments, not great not to provide notice but life happens.

If the HV has lower level concerns escalated by today's cancellation/ not allowing her in then she will be more than aware of the safeguarding procedures to escalate the concerns to Children's Services.

The problem is that even if the HV has justifiable concerns and OP needs support, the input isn't helping.
I don't think there's anything wrong with cancelling an appointment, taking your child to softplay is more beneficial than sitting around at home. HV could have come next week when the toddler is back in nursery. It was HV's choice to still attend even though appointment was cancelled. Saying "sorry we are in the shower" is a perfectly good reason to refuse entry.
It sounds as though the questioning is inappropriate. If there are specific concerns the OP should have been told what they are.
The OP clearly has been engaging with the service, she as had multiple long visits and is only wanting to change HV not stop all the visits.
There's going to be a level of judgement because OP is young and has poor literacy, and therefore may struggle to deal assertively with these people.
None of that makes her a bad mother though.
I think ask for a different HV, and also ask for the data they hold about you (you are entitled to see this under GDPR). Remain calm, polite and assertive. Ultimately they are there to help you and your child. If you frame all requests remembering that fact you can't go far wrong.

Seems pretty controlling. How old is the partner? I would be surprised the partner’s attitude or demeanour isn’t part of the HV’s interest in the OP and her children.

I don’t understand why you didn’t engage with her for 10 mins then send her off.

My partner is the kids dad he is the same age as me and we have being in a relationship for 4 years he is not controlling he didn’t let her in because I was in the shower and didn’t think I would appreciate coming out the shower to her sat there

I would email so you have a written record and say you're happy to engage with the service but feel there is a reason behind the high volume of visits and the HV is not forthcoming with this. Say you would
like to be given a rationale for the high number of visits and ask for explicit reasoning behind the decisions to visit so often. Then decide from there if you want to engage with the service, whether it's via that HV or someone else but I would suggest you keep engaging as anything other than this could be flagged up, especially if there are already concerns

There was no need for you to come out of the shower. Your partner could have asked her in and dealt with her.

I don’t see the big deal about you coming out of the shower with the HV there tbh. She is there to see how the house is functioning with the children. Surely your partner could have let her in to have a quick chat, explained you were all rushing to get out and apologised for booking soft play when you already have an appointment. He has now made it in to a bigger deal than necessary. I don’t get it at all. There must be more going on than you have said OP. HV’s generally don’t have the time or inclination to ‘harass’ someone.

It doesn’t matter if I was in the shower or not the point is she came to my house and demanded entry after I cancelled she tries to take advantage of me hoping that even though I have cancelled If she comes anyway I might feel pressured to let her in if I wasn’t in the shower I would have let her in my partner knows she doesn’t come in for a quick ten minutes she sits for over an hour so he said no we were in a rush I spoke with the health visitor service on the phone there is no concerns what so ever if there was any they would tell me they said the health visitor I have is one of the best they have and no one has ever complained about her and that she will be visiting me again next week

there is nothing going on so I don’t understand why some of you are saying there must be, if I knew I was doing something that could be a cause of concern then I wouldn’t be asking here

OP This sounds all wrong.
Health Visitors do not have the right to invade your life.
You need to tell them you don't need or want her input any more.
Unless there's something you're not telling us I can't see why you're getting all these visits.

Were you in the care system? If so you may have more support offered to you. Also both Scotland and parts of Wales have enhanced HV services.

It seems unreasonable to cancel a HV visit for soft play the morning of the visit. This is a waste of resources and incredibly disrespectful.
it is currently unclear whether this is a pattern, this is all part of the support offered in Scotland, or this is an inappropriate HV.
i suggest that you request a new HV and see if the same visiting and question pattern continues- then you know it is not the HV, and maybe you do need to engage more?
if the pattern changes, then it was the HV, and you can discuss your concerns with the new HV.
but HV are not only there to discuss children’s health, but offer support generally.
you may be the best parents in the world, and coping amazingly, with a house paid for by your parents, and having a trust fund. The majority of 19 year old parents (especially with 2 kids) might struggle a bit financially, be in housing that is potentially not up to scratch, and will still need to find their way through education and financial independence. And your HV might want to make sure that you are looked after.

Obviously you know you are fine but she doesn’t. Cancelling last minute could be because he’d hit you or kids so you were hiding bruises. She’s called and instead of seeing you & kids were ok he’s blocked her coming in. Personally I’d have spoken to her for a minute just to apologise for really late cancellation. It’s a hard job. If something is going on there’s always a cry of why wasn’t more done.

Both the factual information you have disclosed and the way you come across in this thread suggest that maybe, just maybe, the HV may be justified in having some niggling concerns

I'm a foster carer so I've been checked out in depth (quite rightly so).

I'm obviously classed as someone safe that vulnerable children can be left with.

However, I get unannounced visits from Social Workers.

Professionals just need to check the children are OK. As frustrating as it is for you, if someone messages saying they are taking the kids to soft play rather than seeing the Health Visitor, this obviously rings alarm bells.

Phone her next time and chat it through, or cancel the soft play for another day!

You gave someone 10/15 mins notice - appaling in the first instance. HV appt more important than soft play fgs.

Maybe she was concerned because you cancelled with such short notice without a very good reason?

Your partner might have made you cancel because he’d given you a black eye. She had no way of knowing without seeing you to check.

When my first baby was born a health visitor asked my husband to go wake me up when I was in bed with a migraine… it was annoying but understandable that they want to check babies and new mum’s are ok. I’m in my 30s and have absolutely zero factors that would make me a concern to health professionals. The problem is they can’t always predict who needs help.

That being said, it does sound like you are getting extra attention. Look for a number for the health visitor service in your area and ask for a meeting with someone more senior to find out what’s flagging up on their end.

I opted out entirely this time around. I've never found health visitors to be much use:

Is she a health visitor or a family nurse? Curious as reading the comments and realising your age and you have 2 children the family nurse service is much more likely to visit you regularly and support you as a young parent than the health visitor, usually hv with extra training.

I am a paeds nurse but have a few friends who are hv/fN so familiar with the role and remit. Perhaps just call them and discuss the reasons for the amount of input they are having with you and being honest and open is the best thing you can do, if you don’t engage this will flag up concerns, you can say you don’t feel the worker you see has a positive relationship with you and you would prefer to transfer to another persons caseload if that is something that can happen but interacting with them and positively engaging even if it’s to say you’re not happy is fine. I’ve had health visitors in the past I’ve not liked or got on with and had minimal engagement and some who are lovely and really helped me (had pnd badly) they were very supportive and lovely. Try to understand they are trying to help, this lady might not be gelling with you for whatever reasons but getting angry and angsty isn’t the answer. It’s about your children so being mature and having conversations about it is the way to go, hopefully you can swap to someone else who you feel more comfortable with,

Don't be disingenuous, you are 19 with 2 children, with another 19yr old and presumably adopted or just out of care if you are annoyed she has your biological mums name. It's quite clear why you would need extra support. Also it is not normal to cancel a health visitor in favour of soft play or fir your partner to not allow visual access to the kids or you. You are very very young and will need support in parenting.

I know you’re only 19 but surely you can understand how disrespectful it is to cancel an appointment at such short notice? I can totally understand the alarm bells due to your age and because you don’t seem to have support from mature adults. I agree with others saying cancelling rang alarm bells. All your partner needed to do was allow her to wait in the living room whereupon you could come down, reschedule or tell her you don’t want to see her again or whatever.

I don’t understand how you think it’s not bloody rude to cancel a prearranged appointment at the last minute for soft play