To request a new health visitor?

[Mooshmallow]

I booked the soft play for my toddler and baby last night as my toddler has the week off nursery i remebered this morning the health visitor was coming so i text to let her know and asked her to come another day it was sent on imessage and i saw she read the text any way i got in the shower and she rang but i couldnt answer 10/15 mins later i heard my door and my partner answered it was her asking to come in my partner said no and reminded her i had let her know not to come today as we are going out she said she knows and began begging too come in saying she needs to see the kids my partner kept kindly saying no as we are busy ( i needed to get the kids showered after mine and we was already rushing for our booking ) i found what she did disrespectful and im confused as to why she did this she is also always judging me and asking very personal questions about my childhood and other things she even knows my biological mums name which i have never mentioned? and when i rang up to request a new health visitor i was told all the things that she is doing is what any health visitor does is this correct what is everyones opinions on this please?

Bit they signed her off with 1 baby, she now has 2 and is only 19. It's a whole new set if circumstances that the hv has not actually signed off! And perhaps having a second child so young when she already has 1 is a bit of a flag to services that a one off at 16 isn't?

Sorry don't know why mn hates of. It always changes to if!

Maybe the op's mum is known to SS and this is concern by proxy, as it were.

To be fair, I work a community healthcare role and I'd be very likely have been on the road and not picked up a text message until I got to the house with that timescale. I'm fairly relaxed about it, I know people forget stuff when they're not leading very structured lives - those off work, or not working etc... and I'd be keeping an eye on the situation in case it looked like you were disengaging, versus just being "appointmented-out" (which again, I get cos it does get draining after a while).

Sounds like you're on some kind of higher level of support pathway - although she's trying to do it in a way that you're not feeling supported by. Personally I'd try taking some ownership of it politely - say that you're finding the hour long visits a bit too much when you'd like to be out and about doing things with the kids - can you drop it down to half-hour ones? Same frequency so they're still getting eyes on the children - but can cut the waffly bit down somewhat (I'm guilty of getting drawn into chatting if people have time to spare sometimes and I know I am!) Or can you alternate so you do one home visit and then one clinic one so that you're not stuck in the house waiting for her to come around and you get a bit of a change of scenery/detour for a cuppa en-route if both kids fall asleep in the pram.

Cancelling via text wouldn't bother me - it possibly will do some on MN but I know that different generations have different ways of communicating and texts are fine.

It's a pain in the arse - and it used to drive me bloody insane when my HV (who was fucking lovely) did the whole "Oh I'll be around sometime on Monday" thing - and just assumed that I'd be sat at home all day on Monday twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to get round to me! I put up with it for a while as I knew there had been a SS referral when the oldest was born, so knew being seen to engage with services was important, and when she realised that I told her I wasn't blooming waiting in all day - I'd pop down on her day at baby clinic instead - and she was fine at that (apart from moaning at me when I dared have my second - tiny age gap - when she was on annual leave!)

OP, I'd agree that there must be an additional concern from the HV for them to be dedicating so much time to your family. I do say this as someone who has both been taught safeguarding which was lead by a health visitor, and as someone who sees quite a lot of my sons HV, even with mitigating factors like quite severe MH issues, and a pretty fractured family, I see less of my HV than you do yours.

Can I ask, were you in care? Was your childhood abusive? What does the HV knowing your mums name suggest? What might her opinion be of you given the link between you and your mother? ....these things are how they make a lot of their judgements on the parents they see, and support they can offer.

TBH, I can see things that might be concerns, from what you've said, you're a young mum, who when you had your first child, didn't have family nearby, your HV says you're not engaged, you cancelled an appointment at late notice to go to soft play, you then refused her access to your children when she either didn't know the appt was cancelled, or was trying to do a welfare check.

In your position, I would call the HV team, and ask if you can discuss your concerns with her manager, and how you feel, and discuss from there whether you want to change HVs or if you want to completely ditch the service. Children's centres can offer many of the same services as a HV.

Your HV should be someone that makes you feel at ease and supported, not the way you're feeling.

I would just tell them you don’t want to see the health visitor anymore unless it’s for routine development appointments. The worst they would do is report to mash, and by the sounds of it would find nothing to be concerned about so would leave you be.

If the HV has concerns it's very cruel not to share them with the OP and to lie and say they have no concerns.

Also really weird people keep saying about OPs troubled past and her being in care when that hasn't been mentioned. I refer to my 'bio' father as such because he was never in my life - but my mum was. OP might have been brought up by her father. People don't half jump to conclusions.

Most people with happy and secure family backgrounds don’t end up living in another country on their own away from their family with a baby at age 16 on top of everything the OP has said.

I live in Scotland as I was brought up by my grandparents and when my grandad died I had no where to live and my partner is from Scotland originally so we came here he has no family either due to his mum dying the rest of our families our distant people I wasn’t in care and I had a good upbringing

I haven’t known my mum all my life I only knew her name through my grandparents and the health visitor also knew her name I questioned it on the phone earlier and I was basically told the health visitor service work with social services

Tragically though you both were without any support at 16 and 19 having babies. And you as a young mother as a result must tick boxes in terms of vulnerability as you have no other close family to rely on for help, which people typically do. No doubt you are doing a good job but the HV is just making sure you are ok. Welcome the support, it’s not an attack.

OK, so the HV knows your mum's name through SS, might be worth having a talk with her, because you don't know your mum yourself maybe she can enlighten you as to what she knows- this could give you a greater understanding of what the HV is thinking.

Also, quite wrongly in my view, they do assume that there are risks of certain situations repeating themselves, so your HV may be thinking if you didn't know your mum, maybe you won't know how to bond with your children without support. Has this been discussed? Have you had opportunity to explain that this isn't the case?

Do you have any support outside of your relationship?

TBH, the more I read your replies, the more I'm feeling like the HV has gone about this the wrong way with you... I wish your JV was more like mine. She turns up, has a mug of tea, gets on with whatever she needs to, answers any questions I might have, tells me to stop aiming for perfection and goes off on her merry way, no judgement whatsoever.

The HV sounds like you are her pet project - but you are unaware if it and what her agenda is. She is not being open and transparent with you. I would email or speak to her supervisor. If the HV has genuine concerns then it is only fair that you know what they are so that you can begin to address them.

If you're that annoyed by having a health visitor you don't need to prove yourself or argue with strangers on the internet, you can just go ahead and call them saying you don't need the service anymore and you would like to remove consent for anymore visits. You don't need to give them a reason.

When I first read your post I thought it was very rude of you to cancel a HV appointment at all, never mind on the day and for soft play. But then when you said how often she comes, I changed my mind. This sounds deeply worrying. Either she has concerns she and she is trying to catch you out, or she has some weird interest in you for another reason. But coming weekly and staying so long is very intrusive if she is denying concerns.

I think you should either decline services, request a new HV, or start attending a local family community centre and ask her to meet you there. If you are attending a community centre regularly it will be good for you too, if she does come up with any allegations. It shows you are engaged in parenting, and are building a local support network. It also might stop her from overstepping.

From what you’ve said about your situation, I can see why an HV might think you could use more support than most people. But you clearly aren’t finding her supportive and she’s told you she doesn’t have any concerns.

So I think you should call her up and either tell her you no longer want an HV or ask for another. If she tries to put you off tell her you’ve found her visits time consuming without being at all useful and that her behaviour coming to the house after you canceled was rude, so unless she can suggest a different HV with a different approach that’s actually supportive and helpful you’ll end your engagement with the HV service and you’ll just go to the GP if you have any concerns about your DC.

Engagement with the HV service isn’t mandatory, whatever she’s said to you. She could pass on concerns to SS if she has any, but she says she doesn’t. If she threatens you with SS if you end engagement, you’re probably better off. At least that way you’ll find out what the real concerns are and have a chance to demonstrate they are unfounded. I suspect, though, that SS will be too busy to do anything more than a cursory visit if they get a referral that boils down to - “I keep going round but client doesn’t want to see me”.

One caveat I would add, though, is that HVs can be a route to support if you’re struggling. And you sound like you have little support. So if you are struggling at all, or if things are okay at the moment but they could go south at a moments notice, it might be better to try and maintain a relationship with the HV. But perhaps start making it more on your terms and tell her “No.” if she wants to come more often than you want to see her or when it’s not convenient. Ask her to leave if she’s over stayed her welcome. If she calls round when you haven’t got an appointment, call her out. Tell her to stop trying to catch you out with surprise visits, that you deserve more respect than that. Just remember - You have the power here. She has no authority at all.

I'd be opting out of that now.

Why? It's an optional service.

There's concerns as that amount of input is an awful lot.

Well you have cancelled on her so I agree with the HV, you come across disengaging. Your children's welfare comes before a play date, you are in the wrong here.

@MoreSleepPleasee yes it is optional, but only on Mumsnet have I ever seen this attitude. Never in real life and am a paediatric nurse!
However there are obviously issues as the OP has had a huge amount of input. If there are safeguarding concerns then that is not optional.

You are not obliged to use the services of a health visitor and they have no right to enter your house …. So just say you don’t need their services anymore.

If there were any safe guarding issues, OP would have been told of their concerns and why
The health visitor can’t keep visiting because OP isn’t engaging….she doesn’t have to engage.

If you want their services they come once a month for 6 months, although most seem to just visit the once. I never had a health visitor come to us, even with twins, just the midwife a couple of times. But I did go to the local clinic for baby weigh ins etc

I've only read OP's post so don't know if it's already been stated but I haven't seen OP address it.

The fact that you messaged to cancel and the bell went 15 mins later indicates that it was a VERY last minute cancellation and the HV was already on her way, so you ABVU for that alone.

She probably figured she was already there she might as well come in. Surely being a bit late for a soft play session isn't an issue?

The HV is being very inappropriate and I would make a complaint citing harassment and request a different one (or decline the service altogether if you wish). She's got a bee in her bonnet about you and won't leave you alone or respect your time and choices. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for her.

But don't think all HVs are the same.

You may well find some support helpful in your situation but clearly this woman you are finding the opposite! I'd ask for a HV who can be supportive rather than judgemental and discriminatory.

I think it would be unwise to decline the service altogether, although within your rights to do so. This might cause the HV service to escalate any concerns they do have. Not saying it’s right but if they have concerns and you suddenly start being uncooperative it could backfire on you. It’s all well and good for some people on here to say confront her or decline the service, they are unlikely to have been flagged as a potential concern, even if that flag is wrong on this occasion.

I would take a softer approach. Contact the general email/phone line for the HV service if possible, asking if they have concerns as you are finding the constant visits difficult to accommodate and you would rather discuss any concerns up front so you can address them. If the HV is doing something she shouldn’t, this flags it to management without you appearing difficult. Or ask for a new HV as you feel you haven’t connected with this one. I think communication here is key. Appear to be willing and open so that if there is an issue with her behaviour it shines a light on it in a non confrontational way.