To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

Honestly, I wouldn't. Give your body a break and enjoy the time with your baby before having another. Two is lovely but full on.

Also you're really not that old!

And finally, just because she's sleeping now does not mean it'll last forever.

I think you can afford to wait, for what it's worth.

I'm aware that as I'm getting older.....you're 30 not 40 for goodness sake!!

You’re the average age of a typical FTM, and you have 5 years until you are considered “geriatric” in medical terms.

Studies have found that your body has a better chance of recovery and reduction of any potential health issues if you wait 12-18 months.

Of course it is entirely up to you.

DS has just turned 2, and we’re starting to think about TTC. We have no family support so I wasn’t prepared to even attempt two under two.

There's no right age gap. Pros and cons to each. I couldn't have done a smaller gap than 2 years but I struggled with PND and only just started to bond with DC1 at 4 months. I have friends with really huge age gaps that love the gap, and friends who are really pleased they started TTC when their first was tiny and had a small gap.

You'll cope whichever! (Although in my experience mums often say the second baby is there to teach us that how well our first did things was nothing to do with our parenting!). Good luck!

I would wait, having a second has almost killed us and that's with a large gap! You don't know if the 4 month sleep regression may yet hit too

I think due to what happened to my mum im fearful of something happening to DD and ending up on my own, ( my mum was a rapid deterioration of healthy to dead within five weeks).

I fell pregnant (not on purpose) when my son was 6 months old and my pregnancy was really difficult and birth was terrible I put this down to being not healed enough from my son (no idea if this really is the reason!) But all that aside it really is lovely in my opinion having 2 very close together I found the jump from 1-2 children much easier than 0-1

Since you gave PLENTY of time, and you'll have a one year old who will need all your attention, I would wait in this situation.

Four months old is very young. Wait until you go a through all the sleep regressions and see how you feel.

Your concerns are concerns regardless of age gaps. It would be harder with a 1 year old but only you know if you can cope with that and afford two in nappies. I had a 2 year gap which was perfect for me as I had time to recover and could focus fully on dd’s first year before bringing another along. If you think you will manage then go for it, parents find a way to make all age gaps work.

Its recommended you wait 18-24 months, look into why , it's worth factoring in to your decision.

Go for it x

Christ no. There are challenges to come. Enjoy your baby and see how you feel when she’s 1.

I’m sorry about your mum. My DH died in similar circumstances and it definitely messes with your head. But don’t let it control your life decisions.

I think just so what you want every gap has its own pros and cons!

For me the baby years are the best so I wouldn't want to rush through them. I think for me as well my second pregnancy was quite painful and I couldn't imagine having a baby to carry around. But that's just my opinion!

Hi,

My first child was only 3 months old when I got pregnant with my second (so there is 13 months between them).
Now obviously I don't know any different - a larger gap may have been easier, I'll never know, but for me it was ideal.

I figured I wanted all the sleepless nights and nappies at the same time, and while I was home with one, I may as well be home with 2 :-)

Now they are 9 and 10 and it has been lovely that they could do so much together as they were interested in the same sort of things - ie would both enjoy the park, or a soft play centre.
(and from a selfish perspective - its much easier to have them in the same clubs at the same time - like tennis and swimming)

I was a zombie for a few years when they were little! But I'm glad we did it that way.

There is no guarantee that your baby will
still be sleeping like that for long. Personally I won’t. I know it’s not good for your body and I don’t think it’s fair on either baby.

I wouldn't personally. We lost our DD in 2021 and I fell pregnant again about 3.5 months later. Apart from feeling like I'd been pregnant forever, it was hellish on my body. I had a really tough birth and my back and pelvis are knackered . My circumstances were different but I definitely put it down to having 2 back to back pregnancies. You need to give your body time to heal.

I don't think 2 years is traditional. Traditionally (before reliable and accessible contraception) many women would have had a child every year!

I was born less than 13 months after my sister and I know lots of people in a similar position. I also have a friend whose children were in the same school year - one born in September and one the following August.

My two are just over 2 years apart, but if I could have chosen I would have had them closer together. It just took me longer to become pregnant the second time around.

I personally would want to just enjoy time with the baby and also time not being pregnant! There's a 2.5 gap between all of mine and it works nicely.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum, that must have been heartbreaking.
I do feel however that your motivation seems to be driven by grief 😔 Spend some time enjoying the baby you have, give them the 1-1 attention they deserve, let yourself heal a little. You're very young and time is on your side. There's 3yrs between mine which was perfect, no sibling rivalry, oldest was in nursery and youngest got to have the 1-1 that oldest did as a baby. They absolutely adore each other and are best of friends now 5 and 2. I was 39 and 42 when they were born.

As someone who got pregnant with dc2 when dc1 was 3 months old (not planned) I would say don't. I was basically pregnant for almost 2 years, it was massively guilt inducing because dc1 was too young to understand the new baby needed my attention (I had to give up bf almost immediately as I just couldn't sit there for hours with a baby latched on while a 13 month old roamed around causing havoc) and it was incredibly hard work.

They were both easy babies as well, I managed to coincide nap times, they both slept relatively well at night etc. if one of them had not have been like this it would have been absolutely horrendous.

They are 11 and 10 now and incredibly close, it got easier once they were 3 and 2 and they were at the same sort of stages developmentally and with speech etc. I wouldn't change it but I also wouldn't suggest to do it on purpose. Wait till baby is at least 9m if you want them close in age.

DC2 was born when DC1 was just 12 months. I didnt find it particularly hard, but did keep DC1 in childcare the same as when I was working before giving birth to DC2 (2 days a week).

It was much easier to have such a small gap between my two than friends who had 2/3 years gap.

Id say go for it!

@BeckettandCastle silly question, but was there a reason you found it easier than those who left it 2/3 years ? x

I would be more concerned about the medical issue as its really too early for your body. I am one of 5 kids and mum gave birth to us between the ages of 20 and 28. Whenever she fell pregnant at 4months post birth those children were born prem. I don't think your body will be fully ready at 4months post birth.

I am 18 months older than my brother and he got compared to me all his academic life. We don't really speak now. There's a lot of underlying resentment.
For that reason we avoided having two DC within a school year of each other.

I don't think anyone can compare unless they have had 2 with a small gap followed by 2 with aarge gap. Everyone's experience us different. My sil had her second before the first was 2 and it looks exhausting from where I'm sitting. I had a 3 year gap and I wouldn't change it to be honest.