To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

It took us several years and miscarriages before we had our DS - I was 38 by then and the clock was ticking. So we never went back to using contraception, thinking it might take a while. Had my DD aged 39.

All I can say is there are pros and cons. Only you know your family situation and can judge how you'd plan to make it work. But, for us, the first few years were really tough and ridiculously expensive. The year when DS was 2 and DD was 1, I earned £500 per month less than the nursery fees. Only did it because I loved that job and the company, and wanted to keep my career progression on track. We were incredibly fortunate to have had sufficient savings to make it work, but even part-time the juggling act and the guilt were horrendous.

They're now 14 & 13 (16 month age gap) and have a typical teenage love-hate relationship, but on the whole it's lovely. But oh lord those early years...

My friend fell pregnant when her baby was around 9 months old. She now has 2 under 2 and is really struggling. For the following reasons:

• no entitlement to 15hours free nursery. So she can't afford to put both the children in nursery.

• she can't enjoy any mum's groups with the baby because she is taking the toddler along too who is having tantrums.

• She is effectively looking after 2 babies - it feels like having twins. Feeding both at the same time whilst one is screaming and the other having a tantrum is hard work.

Please don't be so naive to believe your very newborn baby is perfect and will remain perfect. You haven't experienced teething yet, you haven't experienced them catching a bug and having diarrhoea for a week, or a chest infection that keeps them awake for 8 weeks, or conjunctivitis. All things that myself and my NCT friends have ALL experienced this year. You haven't experienced them crawling everywhere, starting to walk and climbing and opening everything and needing eyes on the back of your head. You haven't experienced having to feed them 3 (solid) messy meals a day. Your little unassuming baby that sleeps in it's Moses basket quietly will start becoming more demanding very soon. You have no idea what they will be like in a year's time. Wait at least until then and then re-assess because it will be a shock to the system!

Not that I am aware of.

There are plenty suggestive articles though...
if you live in or around the silicone valley. If your child is confirmed via IVF. If you are of a certain age.

A loose association, formed by studying a select group, is not linked to a cause. It is important not to lose sight of this.

I understand how you feel, and I felt the same to a certain degree. What I can tell you is that in my family, my DC are 14, 13, 10 and 8, and the final three are NT.

And... they are a wonderful group, the NT DC have a ton of empathy and understanding of their ASD sibling. It was hard work in the beginning, but totally worth it now. I get a lot of comments on how lovely they all are.

It's entirely up to you of course but I wouldn't. My DS was like your DD and slept fantastically from around 8 weeks. It was once he hit 6 months the trouble started! He's now 19 months and we're just starting to TTC again. I'm also 30.
Unless you had issues conceiving your DD, I'd enjoy her while she's still this small and think again once she's a year.

There are 10.5 months between my friend & her brother, if she had been born 2 days earlier they would have been in the same school year.

I'd advise you to wait until your body has recovered from your last pregnancy.

You need to be taking your vitamins, ensuring your iron levels, and folic acid are all up to where they should be (post-pregnancy alot of women are low on these and it can effect the development of the second baby).

Personally I'd strongly suggest you wait a few more months. Do some research on back to back pregnancies and assess some of the risks.

You're still very young. I'd give your body 9 months minimum to recover from 9 months of pregnancy - to give your second baby the healthiest start.

I know that people do have back to back pregnancies but I don't think a single doctor or midwife encourages it.

Unless there are any medical reasons, I completely agree with @Emmamoo89 My second was due the same day a year later than my first (we've heard all of the jokes thanks, especially as my 4th was due the same day) She was late so it was 1 year and 2 weeks in the end. My body had recovered "so much" that I did not realise I was in labour, after quite a difficult labour with the first. Yes, there were some night times where I rolled my eyes after feeding a new born, only to have to get up again 20 minutes later to a 1 year old, but the fact that they were the same age-ish gave plenty of advantages. Crack on, I'd say ! x

Speak to your GP before actively trying to get pregnant at 4 months post partum.

Yikes I couldn’t have done an age gap that close, I hated the baby stage so doing that back to back would’ve been the end of me.

I started TTC number 2 when DD was 4 months old due to my age (39). But at the same time although I wasn't excited about 2 back to back pregnancies I knew I always wanted two and time wasn't on my side.

I had to put the plans on hold due to going back on medication, DD is 15 months old now and although it would have been tough going having a newborn right now it would matter very little postponing it a year in that sense, you'll still have a high needs toddler and a new born. You're still young though so unless you love being pregnant I'd probably leave it til she's 1, back to back pregnancies aren't really recommended just because the toll they take on your body.

For your own health I wouldn’t have babies in quick succession. Being pregnant really takes its toll on your body
I had one at 33 and twins at 37.
Lots of people are older these days when they have children
You have lots of time
Sounds like your first pregnancy and baby have been good, but things may not be so easy the next time

If the CDC themselves recommend that people wait for 12-18 months before conceiving again because of risk factors for ASD, that’s a pretty reliable indicator. I’m glad your family has turned out to be so happy and healthy of course, but denying published health advice from one of the most reputable sources, and then discouraging other people from following it, is dangerous.

Firstly, you are not old!
I had my first at 34 and started to TTC number 2 when he was 12 months. I got pregnant very quickly (it hadn't been so easy the first time) and ended up with a 22 month gap. It was hard but I think that all gaps bring challenges, they're just different. The small(ish) gap has worked out well now they're a bit older (5 and 7) but it was hard at first. I just wouldn't have gone any sooner, if only to give my body a break.
I know people who started at 35 and had 3. What will be will be!

Go for it if you want 3 , my gaps are 11 months and 2 years. First 2 very premature so we had 13 month gap that shrank with no 2. 3rd was 2 years from 2nd child. Lots if plusses to small gap but 18 months might have been easier.

@mincedtart not denying at all, but I am advising to scrutinize the studies, conditions and words used.

Anything can be twisted to suit a cause, and there is a lot of misinformation based on misunderstanding out there. Which is also, very dangerous...

I don't see anything in the article recommending. I do see them writing about a study in the US, which found that links were also dependent upon the severity of the first child's symptoms, plus if the second child was delivered within a timeframe.

Of course, everyone has different concerns, every family has a unique genetic background and outcomes. Personally, this study wouldn't cause me concern.

OP, talk to your doctor in RL about any concerns.

OP, you’ll still be processing your mum’s death. Honestly don’t push yourself any more by adding another young baby into the mix. Be grateful for how relatively easy you’ve found having this baby and enjoy your time with her. The early years are hard but also magical. Spread them a little, to give yourself a mental and physical break and enjoy each child

Have you done the costing for back to back pregnancies OP? There's a number of restrictions on eligibility for SMP, Maternity Allowance and obviously any enhanced maternity an employer may offer.

FWIW I was almost the exact same age as you. Had my first aged 29.5, got pregnant with baby 2 when my first was 15months and there's almost 2 years between them.

The baby stage was the easy 'nice' stage and I'm glad I got 15 months of just focusing on that. I'd also say you don't get anywhere near as much time to 'enjoy' your pregnancy when you already have a baby/toddler. Personally if you love the pregnancy and baby stage... I'd definitely wait until your eldest is more independent to give you a chance to focus on it more. But also if you don't have family help etc and for all the reasons people listed above...

If I were you I'd be focusing on getting fit and healthy, definitely taking iron, folic acid and vitamin D. Try to do all the things to get your body strong and ready, then reassess closer to your baby's first birthday.

There is 19 months between my eldest two and I had c sections for both. The second was an emergency c section whilst the first was planned due to baby's position. I found it very difficult with no support, also dd1 was not an easy baby/ good sleeper. I also felt I was always shouting at dd1 because I was so tired and exhausted. I also got a hernia. There are 12 months between me and my brother and I wanted a small gap. Dd2 was cleverer than dd1 and as their school had split classes (3 classes in each keystage) they were often in the same class for English and Maths which was a nightmare. It didn't help years later when they both went to Cambridge! In hindsight I'd have had a 2 to 2 and a half year age gap.

Im so sorry to hear about your mum, that must of been really tough on you. Have you considered any form of counselling? Being pregnant again may bring back memories of such a difficult time.

In terms of timing you’ve got to decide what works for your family. There’s four years between each of mine, I liked that gap. It works for us family members have a year gap between theirs. It works for them. whatever the gap you’ll make it work.
good luck to you whatever you choose.

I have a 14 months gap then a 23.5 month gap so 3 within 3yrs 2 months

I was similar age to you having had the kids at 28,29&31 and I loved that time and they are close

Kids are now 7, 9&10 and I still love the age gaps as they have similar interests friends with larger gaps I see struggle trying to arrange things to include kids with larger age gaps

Between my 4 I have age gaps of 3 years, 18 months and 4.5 years. There are pros and cons to each age gap and of course the children's different personalities which you can't take into account until after you've taken the plunge, I always said if my 4th had been my 1st he'd have been an only child!! I'd say though, wait until your baby is 1 and then see how you feel. If your baby is an angel at 4 months there is plenty of time for the opposite persona to kick in!!

I have just under 11 months between my two (wasn’t planned), they’re 8 months and 19 months now. Honestly was the best thing to happen they’re like besties and i’ve found it very easy, they both sleep 12 hours which helps and both very good babies! I’ve also enjoyed being on maternity as i was on maternity with the first for 6 months then went back for 3 months and now on maternity for a year which means i haven’t missed things with my oldest like first steps and words etc. I would do it all over again.

Fair enough, you’re right that we should all apply a healthy dose of scepticism to these things.

Personally I do think that any indication of an increased risk of anything is worth taking very seriously, but I guess there’s only so far we can try and control health outcomes before it’s unsustainable.

My first two are 19 months apart and NT whilst dc3 has ASD. There are 10 years between dc2 and dc3. Dc4 is also NT - she was born 4 and a half years after dc3. It does run in families and we're all on the 'eccentric' side but I don't think the age gap has much to do with it.