To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

I felt like you at 4months. Baby now 7 months and I feel totally different! The sleep regression happened at 5mo for us, then baby now is awake for longer periods, needs more entertaining and weaning. For me, this is much harder than those first 4/5mo where baby slept well and it was more just meeting the basic feeding, changing, sleeping needs. Ultimately you do what you feel but it's worth thinking about that your baby will be constantly changing and may not always be a great sleeper, plus all the other factors. There's no right answer though!

I fell pregnant with number 2 when my eldest was 4 months (planned). I am so happy we did as they are 3 and nearly two now and it's lovely. I think a 2 year old and newborn would have been more difficult and I didn't want to have a big gap. However my eldest was sleeping fairly well when we conceived and from about 4 months to a year sleep was horrendous so I wouldn't put too much weight on how much yours is sleeping at the moment as it really changes.

I wouldn't change the age gap though.

Is that between conceptions or between births?
I've not heard of this but I'm interested as we would like another but I'm 38 so time isn't on my side.

30 is still young. I have 2 years and 15 days between mine, was almost 35 when I had DC2 and fell pregnant first time of trying with them. DC1 was the most brilliant of sleepers, fully BF but slept through 10 - 7 from 10 weeks old. I thought I was the greatest mum ever. Then DC2 came along and didn't sleep through until almost a year old (still a good sleeper but demanded feeding like clockwork at 11.30 and 02.30). I'm old so only had 6 months mat leave - doing that routine when back at work was tough. You can't guarantee your second will sleep as brilliantly as your first.

Couple of thoughts (practical ones):
Do you need to go back to work to get another set of SMP?
Will your periods have returned? Mine didn't come back for 9 months each time, so 18 months would be an absolute minimium I could have done.

I think 13 months would be really tough. 18 more realistic.

Between giving birth and next conception. Ie more like 27 months to 33 months between births.

I think you do what you feel is right for you. Lots of women have children close together without any issue.

Personally I would wait. Let your body recover and enjoy your baby for longer, a 1 year old and a baby would be hard.

That being said, lots of people do it and manage ok.

I have an 18 month age gap, DD2 was a surprise otherwise I would have left it longer.

I had an emergency c section with both, but my recovery after the second was ridiculous. I'm still feeling the pain now 5 months PP. I'm 26. I exercised before having kids, led a healthy lifestyle but pregnancy and giving birth has had a toll on my body.

Give yourself the chance to properly heal.

Oh give over, your little one is only four months - you’ve got the whole gauntlet of the first year to go yet before you can really know how ‘easy’ it is. And you are only early 30s.

Also I was told after the birth of my one it was as a good idea to give it 18 month for body to heal before ttc again.

Traditionally (ie in a state of nature) full breastfeeding with restricted food supply would delay the next pregnancy for several months. Back to back pregnancies would be rare. I think leaving a few more months for your body to recover would be wise - at thirty an extra year's wait is neither here nor there.

There’s 15months between my older two, then a 4.5 year gap before my youngest. Neither gap was what I would have planned 😂 but I have to say, the small gap is intensely hard work initially but gets easier so quickly as they leave difficult stages practically at the same time. The little one requires extra work as activities, naps etc are at odds with what the older two are doing.

I have two boys 15 months apart and I am so glad I did. I acted as though they were twins with feeding, sleeping etc and they always had eachother. It was difficult but when would it be easy?! I wish I had another one straight after my 3rd so she could have the same. Do it, hard work for a while but you won't regret it. Oh and I did this when I was 18 and 19 so age is nothing!

I don't think 2 years is traditional. Traditionally (before reliable and accessible contraception) many women would have had a child every year!

That's what happened only in the recent past @Fifthtimelucky. However, before formula milk or contraception were available, women mostly breast-fed their babies and this meant age gaps of 2-3 years between siblings.

I don't think 2 years is traditional. Traditionally (before reliable and accessible contraception) many women would have had a child every year!

They really wouldn't, stats on this are fascinating. I don't think any period of history we have records for went above around 5-7 pregnancies on average. Breast feeding acts as a contraceptive, I assume that's the reason along with some natural family planning. It certainly wasn't the norm to have 20 pregnancies over a lifetime which is what one a year would suggest.

And I'm sorry for your loss OP.

My middle 2 are 14 months apart, I loved the small gap BUT it really does take a toll on your body so I wouldn't recommend it for that reason.

Teeth/pelvis/skin etc.

My first 2 were easy, 3rd had undiagnosed silent reflex - nearly drove us to the brink with the constant screaming and being told it was "touch of colic".

Alternative that is probably not going to happen unless it's hereditary and if it is more likely to be you leaving them and DD struggling with 2 under 2 which is very hard work not just sleep and feed...that could still get tough but also 2 not able to walk far but crawling everywhere.

There were 16 months between my first 2. Not planned but it was fine and I would do it again.

The bigger questions I would be asking. Are finances, working, cost of of childcare and why you are not married (no moral judgment, just a practical one). I certainly wouldn’t be having 2 in quick succession and the impact on career and financial independence without being married.

Oh well I stand corrected.

I do know that one of my great grandfathers had 20 full siblings. And his father was one of 11.

YABU, and you’re just about to hit the 4 month sleep regression. 3 months is generally the best a baby’s sleep is for the entire first year.

So I wouldn’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched. Sleep isn’t linear, it’s developmental, and you’ve got a long way to go yet.

sarahockwell-smith.com/2017/07/24/the-rollercoaster-of-real-baby-sleep/

Whenever I see mums with two young children, it definitely doesn't look like less work. They're shattered. I wouldn't go for it, give your body a break.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum @bluelollipop99 my mum passed away when I was 8 months pregnant with DC2, it was such a hard time and my emotions were all over the place with grieving but also the joy of a new baby.
I would give yourself a few more months maybe, to heal physically and emotionally, but ultimately there’s pros and cons to any age gap and only you can decide what is best for your situation. You're only 30 so I don’t think you need to rush from that perspective, unless it took a long time to conceive your DC1?
We fell pregnant straight away with DS1 and expected the same to happen so didn’t rush, but it took almost 9 months to get pregnant with DS2, so the gap between our boys is 2.5yrs. This was a nice gap, very easy in managing the two with DC1 being slightly older and able to understand what was happening.
With DC3 we started TTC earlier than we would have in case it took a while and also I was 39 so time was not on our side. We ended up getting pregnant straight away again, so gap this time is 18 months. This has been much more difficult. DS2 didn’t quite understand it all and was very emotional, DD has also not an easy baby compared to the boys. She is now 11months and DS2 is now 2.5yrs and it is all much easier again! What I will say is that I can already see our two youngest being quite close as they get older, possibly due to a smaller age gap, or maybe it’s just their personalities. DS1 is a more independent child generally.

People certainly do it and there are advantages, things to think about would be how your body would handle another pregnancy so soon and financial practicality.

If you're working, you'd essentially need back to back maternity leaves which may affect how much you get. Also, if you return to work after number 2 at say 1 year old, the free hours won't have kicked in for your older child as they will only be 2. So you'd need to afford double childcare fees. If you're not working then going back when they get a bit older then it gets the younger part done quicker 🤷‍♀️

I'm exhausted just reading about it!

Give your body a bit of a break. You could easily have DC2 when you're around 32-33 and DC3 age 35.