To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

Tbh I think there are pros and cons for every age gap. My immediate thought with a 1 year gap is hell no but actually my 1 year old is quite easy and would probably be fine with a newborn as he has no concept of sharing or what are "his" toys. My 3 year old on the other hand is very possessive and will hit and kick her brother if she's angry at him for touching her toys.

A 1 year age gap would be physically very tiring though as they'd both need so much from you. Plus the toll on your body of closely spaced pregnancies shouldn't be discounted.

I don't know what the answer is tbh, so I won't tell you what to do!

But I can tell you that I'm currently in my third trimester, and I conceived when my son was about 7 months old. I was still breastfeeding at that time, so I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding for nearly two years now.

I am absolutely knackered, a thousand times more so than during my first pregnancy. I can definitely see why they advise you to wait 18 months!!

That said, I don't regret my decision. I'm excited for my new baby, and I think we will love the smaller age gap. But I just can't deny that it's incredibly exhausting, and I'm sure there's good reasons they advise you to wait longer 😅

I'd have happily tried again at four months (haven't managed to conceive again yet though). Mind you, my baby was sleeping through at four months but then went back to waking up every few hours at five months...alas, sleep improvements aren't linear.

If you were ten years older I would understand this more but as you’re not and you’re so young, you really shouldn’t do this.

Your body needs a break for starters and the luck you have had with your DD almost definitely is just luck, it’s unlikely to happen again. My first DC was a great baby, really quiet and lovely. DC2 was an absolute shock to my system, just totally opposite in every way and still is now almost 12 years on!

You've got ages! I was 38 when I had my second. You could easily fit in another four before 40s if you wanted to!!

Why the rush? You're only 30. You have plenty of time.

I've got under a year between my two (should have been just over a year but I don't seem to take pregnancies to term). Honestly, not as hard as people tend to think - you're up and down all night anyway, so you're already into that mindset... weaning was a bugger cos it felt like I was just putting food into children continually and that period where they were both mobile toddlers was a bit of a pain cos they would never mobilise in the same bloody direction, so I was selective about which playgrounds I would take them to on my own (ones with fences and one entrance point). I didn't have the work thing to consider at the time though.

It makes things easier when they're in the same activities though, and you're not planning days out juggling a stroppy pre-tween and toddler's differing interests, and now mine can potter off and do things together life's much more laid back - but they do bicker like siblings do, and we have had some challenges with some SN issues DD2 has.

We didn't plan it that way but we'd had massive difficulties conceiving DD1 so left it to chance for DD2.

I had 13 months between my 2 (not planned that way) I was 31 11 days after the second was born. 2 babies with vastly different needs, the eldest had just started walking. It nearly killed me TBH and I have a real just get on with it attitude to life. I really wouldn't recommend such a close gap, if you were in your 40's facing declining fertility then I'd understand the rush but you're younger than many first time mothers!

My first baby was easy looking back, the second was colicky and insisted on being close to me at all times which lasted till she was about 7. I didn't have a choice about co sleeping for the first year. If she'd been born first she may well have been an only child!

I agree with others there is no perfect age gap, you don’t know how sleep will continue, how your second pregnancy will be etc. There’s no harm in giving yourself a bit more time to recover before trying again. I conceived dd2 when dd1 was 10 months by accident, were planning a longer gap. There are definitely pros to having them close together - now they’re 5 and 6 they play together and can do same activities so now it’s easier than friends who had bigger gaps. They’re still 2 school years apart too so not competitive.

My DC are 18 months apart. It was bloody hard at the beginning but soon paid off. I'm glad I did it although it didn't feel like such a great idea for the first 5 years

I do understand your reasons, I have a 2 year gap which is still fairly challenging but wanted them close together. Perhaps wait a couple more months to ensure your body had recovered, take vitamin pills etc - you are depleted after pregnancy. Give yourself time to enjoy your first child

I will say that a 2 year age gap is hard! So even if a 1 year age gap is hard it will be in a year 2 my first age gap with 5 years and that was quite easy.

There are pros and cons to all age gaps and if you want to have three before a deadline in your mind, then it will need to be sooner, rather than later. But, I'd take a couple of months to take prenatal vitamins, get attenuated to life as a parent, see if this good sleeper of yours remains so in that time and, importantly, to double check that this broodiness is a constant and not a distraction from grief.

Mine are approx 14 months apart, and the last one only has the same age gap as she was two months early.
It was very hard I won't lie, and I had really bad pnd. Part of me is glad I got it all out of the way at once, but part of me wishes I could have enjoyed each one on their own more and remember a bit more of them when they were little. I was late 20s when I had my last one and I am not sure if I would have had more than one if I had waited any longer.

I’d get healthy and get your first baby able to walk and if possible use the toilet before you try again. I had 3 under 3 and physically I think your body takes a bashing that it’s hard to come back from.

Same here! Border-lining regretting the second!!

I wouldn’t, if only because your body will be quite depleted from your baby and it needs about a year to recover ‘properly’. Plus your baby is so tiny I think she needs her mum to be available for just her at the moment. In your shoes I would probably try again when she’s 18 months old. I’m pregnant with number 2 and considering number 3 and that’s my plan right now!

I wouldn't - dd1 was 21 months when DD2 arrived - DD1, like your baby - slept like a dream and was an easy baby - DD2 didn't sleep through reliably until she started school - DD1 was a very active toddler entering the terrible twos - I was a sleep deprived mess

4 years between dd2 and DD3 - much easier all round - I was 32,34 and 38 when I had them - you have time

I would wait.

If you got pregnant straight away you would have a very small age gap, which would be really hard. Plus, I imagine you would barely have time to go back to work between maternity leaves.

30 is really not old in fertility terms. I had multiple miscarriages before having my son just after I turned 35, and then got pregnant again when he was a year old and had my daughter a month ago. I'm just about to turn 37 now and we haven't ruled out having a third. At your age you could probably have six or seven children if you wanted to.

At my age I didn't want to wait too long before trying for a second, but we still waited a year. I now almost regret not waiting a bit longer to really enjoy my son as a baby before trying again.

You have more time than you think, 30 isn't old at all. I'm 35 and was expecting you to be more my age.

DS is 10 weeks and we'll be TTC sooner rather than later because time isn't on my side. You definitely have time so I wouldn't TTC just because of that personally.

I feel like even if I was a bit younger, I'd still go ahead with TTC soon to get the newborn stage over with quicker since I'm not a fan and looking more forward to the older stages.

My two have 19m between them. They're 3.5 and nearly 2 now. The beginning was hard and I do feel like I missed out on a lot of things when DD was 12-19m cos I was pregnant and just so shattered. Although it was lockdown so I guess there wasn't actually much we could do. I see friends who have a bigger gap, so they have a 3.5yr old and then one under one and think that it has its pros and cons too. They got all that lovely one on one time with the first, but then had also got used to the increasing freedom of a semi independent child. I can't imagine going back to the baby stage now, so I'm glad I got them both out of the way before I ever really got out of it. They're really good friends now when they're not walloping each other over the head. I think as DS's speech improves they'll be even closer. Right now he just takes orders from big sis!

I'd go for it. When I waited until DS was 2 to start to TTC (at 32) we experienced secondary infertility and eventually resorted to IVF. I would've been fine personally to have babies back to back and that was the plan with this current pregnancy anyway except it's twins. If you feel up for it, go for it.

My two are 17 months apart and I've always loved having them so close together. The baby stage was quite relentless, but it was also over in a shorter time.

Although they have their own friendship groups, they have always been good company for each other at home and on holiday, which made life easier for me and my late DH. They are 17 and 16 now and get on very well.

Having them just one school year apart has also been very helpful as there was only one year when DD was still at pre-school and DS had started school. And then when he moved to secondary school it was only one year before DD was there too. They are now Year 12 and Year 11 so they will also be in Sixth Form at the same time for one year.

My DH died when they were 13 and 14 and they were a great support to each other, especially as the first lockdown started not long afterwards and they couldn't see their friends. I think it would have been harder for both of them (and for me) if there had been bigger age gap between them.

Do you think you might be wanting a “do over” pregnancy that you can enjoy without the shadow of your mum’s very sad passing eclipsing it?
I think you might benefit from some bereavement counselling before making any big decisions.
I hope that doesn’t sound dismissive. It’s hard to convey gentle concern to a stranger in text.
Good luck xx

They really wouldn't, stats on this are fascinating. I don't think any period of history we have records for went above around 5-7 pregnancies on average. Breast feeding acts as a contraceptive, I assume that's the reason along with some natural family planning. It certainly wasn't the norm to have 20 pregnancies over a lifetime which is what one a year would suggest.

Yep, my grandma had 8 children but this was over a period of 20 years. I know plenty of large families (catholic!) but nearly all were lots of children spread out over a long period. It wasn't unusual in our school for people to have aunts and uncles in years below them.