To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

I think you’re mad personally but do what you want 😄

I have 7y, 5y and 10 month old and absolutely loving the bigger gap this time - big ones at school and the whole week just at home with the baby 😍 absolutely no way this is harder than 2 under 2!

Also if you love it so much why do you want to whizz through it all and get it over with??

Like PPs said give your body a chance to recover. So start trying no earlier than once baby is 1 year old.
And you're young, most FTM (including me) we're over 30.

14 month between mine. First baby was a dream. Second baby was a nightmare. I genuinely wanted to die that first year of having both. It was so hard. They've just turned 2 & 3 though and we (I) have finally turned a corner and they're easy to have and I absolutely love it. Still wouldn't wish it on anyone though. Oh and not to mention paying almost £2500 a month on nursery fees until eldest got their 30 free hours last month.

I wouldn’t from health point of view for you and baby 2 eg there’s more risk it will be born prematurely.
Childcare? What are your work plans. Paying 2 lots of childcare is a huge amount.
No guarantees they will be best friends if close in age.
At 30 you have time.

15 month age gap here, and I would say it's hard but amazing now, I have a boy and a girl and they get on super well. They don't go to the same schools and are never compared as their characters are so different.

Amazed you are able to even think about sex or another newborn right now hahaha
How would it work out work-wise? Two very tiny children, two lots of childcare? Another ML back to back?

My step-sister had three babies in 3 1/2 years. Some of her teeth fell out and the dentist said it was related to having the babies so close together.

I am sorry your first pregnancy was so traumatic. That might be even more reason for giving yourself a rest though.

Ha ha - I somehow thought that I had to have sex before the six week health check so I could tell the GP all was well. She was most surprised!

Having two under two has driven everyone I know round the bend. Very stressful.

There's 18 months between me and my brother. We fought like cat and dog growing up, particularly in our teens.
We get on now in our 30s but aren't really close.

I wouldn’t, honestly. I’d worry that back to back pregnancies might shortchange the baby in some way - the risk of premature birth goes up with very tight birth intervals, and some studies suggests the chances of ASD goes up as well. I’d also be concerned about not being able to give both babies everything they need in terms of time and attention.

As others have said, you are still young and if you love kids enough to want three of them, why would you want to rush through it all as quickly as possible?

Just to add my 3 get on amazingly - for now at least! (2.5y then 4.5y gap) There’s no way to engineer that one way or another. Small gap isn’t going to make it happen.

I wouldn’t, give yourself a recovery period and enjoy time with your baby. The sleeping may change soon enough! If you were 39 id say go for it but at your age you shouldn’t be too worried

God no. My second dd was a decent sleeper up to about 4 months and then the shit hit the fan and all hell broke loose at bedtimes. She’s over two now and I’m exhausted. If you have another your little one won’t have much chance to be really babied because you’ll be busy with the other. You’re also not married. I know it’s 2023 but is there some reason for that? Is your partner really invested? You could easily end up as a single mum with two under two with no family support

I was pregnant again when DS was 9 months but have several friends who were quicker - 2 months and 5 months . It is hard , but works if you are very organised and calm. I was luck - my eldest was easy though he didn’t sleep well for years . My younger is more complex and anxious even now as a young teen. They are best friends or the best of enemies and it works well as playmates as they’re not too far apart in development or expectations . It is expensive re child care , though many things for us were shared and passed on . It’s going to get more expensive eg if they both go to Uni at the same time . Luke has king back though I would not have done things differently

Looking back I would not have done things differently.. autocorrect :-(

I really wouldn't. The WHO recommends spacing births with 3-5 years gaps to optimise health of mother and baby. I actually know someone who had two children 15 months apart and developed a chronic condition afterwards that her specialist said was largely linked to the hormones of having two children so close together. For me, with my second pregnancy I developed hyperemesis unexpectedly and was almost bed bound: there is no way I could have coped with a young baby.

That said, you have to do what is right for you. You may have two v easy babies. I ended up with a 3 year gap, I wanted a 2 year one (covid was largely to blame for the larger gap) and it has been absolutely perfect for us. Our eldest understood what was happening, was totally into it. What other friends have reported - difficulty bonding with second because feeling like they were destroying the world of their eldest, or suddenly viewing their eldest as older than they really were - never happened to us. And of the people I know who had second babies much sooner the kids are mostly fighting with each other rather than playing nicely - while having two children at the same 'stage' can be great it can also lead to feelings of competition that you may not expect.

Personally, I'd give yourself a bit of time to enjoy your baby. When they reach 8/9 months and start running around, do you really want to be feeling tired/sick/unable to enjoy it? I think the risk is you end up 'wishing away' a few years, as its just so full on. You are very young - I was 35 on my first, 38 on second and don't feel at all old - so I really wouldn't feel time pressure. That said it may be perfect for you, but I would definitely give yourself time to recover and make sure you're making the right decision for yourself rather than reacting to an imperfect pregnancy and grief.

I have two DCs with 16 months difference. It's been bloody hard work. I would have preferred a year at least to wait but was told I would be unable to conceive after DD and then magically DS appeared.
Yes you do get all the sleep training, teething and night feeds out the way quite quickly one after the other but it was knackering. For 3 years I don't think I successfully had a warm coffee as I was always sorting out nappies, and feeds, and then fights, they used to really go for each other during terrible twos (and with DD it was also terrible threes and fours too).
I would say if you have loads of support, great, but DH and I didn't and I couldn't remember the day of the week when they were both under 2.

It's your choice but since you asked for opinions then mine is that you should want to give your nexr baby the healthiest start in life, this includes growing in a body that is as healthy as possible. Meaning that you should give your body a year after birth to heal and get stronger and healthier again. A pregnancy costs your body much, and you need to replenish that before you start again.

I hope that makes sense in English (not my first language).

I've no advice but all I will say as having had 2 c sections as long as you have the support of your partner during the first 3 weeks you'll be okay, I have a daughter the same age as yours plus a 7 year old and a 2 year old. With support it was quite easy

There's 13 months between my 2 and it is full on but not unmanageable. The worst part of a small gap in my experience was having an almost 1 year old to look after while being heavily pregnant with the second. I had insomnia, backache, bad hips and a baby that wanted to be picked up all the time. Also I felt like I'd been pregnant forever by the time the second arrived. Eldest is almost 2 and youngest is 9 months and they are pretty much in sync now for meal times/bed times and they both sleep through the night so life is a little calmer now but the first 6 months were a lot of stress.

The 2 year age gap is only a creepy obsession on this forum. The norm is 3.5 years.

I personally wouldn't. I think the stereotype of the 1st is so easy it lulls you into a false sense of security and the devil incarnate appears for number 2 is there for a reason! Enjoy your baby, time is on your side.

I really wouldn’t.

you are still young most people I know has babies in their late thirties/early forties
I was intending on a 2/3 year gap but it ended up being only 20 months. The second baby nearly finished me off tbh (although I wouldn’t change anything now). Just because your baby sleeps now does not mean she will still be sleeping through next year.

also I couldn’t possibly have gone back to work after maternity leave already pregnant again! That depends on your boss though.

it might be your hormones. Honestly in your shoes I’d just enjoy your baby and think about ttc again next year.

My older 2 are 16 months apart.

School was fab as each had the other.

Worked fine for us. Zero jealousy or sibling rivalry snd in their 30s now still best of friends.