To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

Also - part of the reasoning we did it close together is that from a large family - 3 of is close in are great friends and grew up together while the last with a much bigger gap isn't as close .. I wanted those close bonds you get with playing together and shared interests

You’re not old and you’re crazy to want such a short gap especially as your baby sounds really easy and you had an easy pregnancy though still found the start a little tricky (totally normal of course) so to do that again with a one year old too would be madness. Good luck figuring it out. Enjoy the time with one. Sorry about your Mum!

Since when was a 2 year age gap "traditional"??

It's a bit soon to say you have an "easy" baby when yours is only 4 months. They go through phases - sometimes everything's a breeze and sometimes everything's stressful.

There's a reason medical professionals advise you to wait a year before considering your next child. You need time to heal mentally and physically.

Finances. How will you afford food, clothes, nappies, childcare, etc for 2 children so close in age? Are you planning to return to work or can you manage on your partner's wage alone (most households can't manage on one wage these days!).

I'd suggest cherishing the time with your first before considering the next. There are so many milestones they've yet to achieve and so many choices that you haven't needed to make at 4 months (weaning options, when to potty train, childcare choices, etc). You're very early on I'm your mum journey. I'd personally feel guilty if I didn't have the quality 121 time with my child before considering the next one.

My first two are 22 months apart, I then had a third when they were almost 6 and 8. I’d say just under 2 years was good, but by almost two my dd had some understanding, able to follow basic instructions, walked well, I think had I had my second when first was closer to one it would’ve been extremely hard and even more exhausting. I like their age gap, they could do similar things/activities/days out. I now have a 15 month old and the older 2 are 7 and 9, I could t imagine having a tiny baby to look after as well, 15 months is full on!! She is into everything, she also slept very well (12 hours a night) until 5 months, it then went to crap and has only just improved. But I do find the larger age gap harder due their vastly different needs and I miss being able to give the olde tones more attention. I know this will ease in the next year or so, but I definitely preferred the closer age gap, but I wouldn’t have wanted much closer than the 22 months. I also thought cos I was older, 29, 31 and 37 that it would take longer to conceive the third, but it never, so just to keep in mind that it may happen straight away too.

There is no right time OP, everyone's situation is totally different.
Do whatever you feel is best :)
But if you feel age and other personal circumstances would affect waiting, don't wait 2 years. How about another xouple of months?
I also think it would be good to get the pregnancies done and dusted within a year or so.

Your body, your life op, go for it if it’s what you and your husband want, no one should judge, only you know what’s right for you. Wishing you love, happiness and a wonderful life with your family, with healthy babies whenever YOU choose to have them ❤️

Why not enjoy each stage and each child rather than it all being hard work and passing in a blur? My 89 year old dad still resents having to shift over for his brother at 12 months.

Wow for overthinking and over planning and over the top of everything.
nothing is ever as you plan darling

please

None of my pregnancies were planned. All were happy accidents as we never used any contraception or date charts to plan or prevent.
I was 23+9months when I had our first child and 27.11, 30.5, 33.4, 35.7 and 40.10 when our last arrived. GBBBGG. Menopause at 50 which had no symptoms whatsoever, before during or after. All normal births with no intervention.
I was a SAHM and studied for a degree in the evenings and DH worked offshore.
I don't know why individuals ask other people what they should do as far as family planning or important life decisions go. You need to take those decisions yourself as you are the only one Iiving your life.

At 4 months post partum your body is not fully healed yet. Wait another 6-8 months at least. Just because you're currently getting a reasonable nights sleep doesn't mean she won't start waking again in the next year or so. 31 is not 'old', you have plenty of time to have another baby before you're past it!

Actually, 'traditionally' it's 2-3 years between pregnancies because breastfeeding inhibits conception (but isn't a fully 100% contraception) and women only starting having babies every 12 months when artificial feeding became more common.

The most important issue before planning a second should be your health and giving it adequate spacing as it may hugely effect your and second baby’s wellbeing. Every other consideration should be secondary.

I would personally give it 6 months to an year and definitely research and speak to your gynaecologist /doctor.

Research suggests that beginning a pregnancy within six months of a live birth is associated with an increased risk of:Premature birth
placental abruption,Low birth weight,Congenital disorders, Maternal anemia. closely spaced pregnancies might be associated with an increased risk of autism in second-born children. The risk is highest for pregnancies spaced less than 12 months apart.

There is no ‘right’ amount of time to wait @bluelollipop99.
My parents had my sister and 11 months later had my brother. With such a small age gap they played together and were close although childhood.
my parents later had me and 13 months later my brother.

Also if you’re planning on 3… at least if 1st and 3rd are same sex and middle one different, the gap will be small so they can still share a room!….
I thought my friend was crazy when she had a boy and then a girl 3 years later but then went for a third later…. Thought it was very unfair on the oldest boy having to share a bedroom with a brother 5-6 years younger than him…. An 8 year old plays with very different toys to a 2 year old… (choking hazards etc like lego) and 2 year olds play rough and break things…

If you feel ready for a second go for it!!! My mum said it was a bit like having twins.

One of my friends from school has a daughter and 11 months later had twins!!!!
So she literally had 3 babies under a year old at some point. She has an amazing routine and is so organised and kids are now pre teens!

Sorry to hear about your mum, how awful for you. And ex friends can be real arseholes! Glad you blocked her!!

Good luck x

You think years ago when people had 13 children they left 2-3 years between pregnancies?
We’ve done our family tree and literally they had babies every year or every other during their fertile years. It was brutal. And they’d have had to breast feed back then.

I’d suggest the only things that changed the rate of conception is the birth control available now. Women’s rights and women returning to work after having a baby so not wanting them too close together.

I’m so sorry about your mum. Your loss is still very recent as well; take care of yourself.

I think I know what you mean about thinking something else bad is going to happen. I lost a baby 6 years ago and it changed my outlook, I think permanently, in the way it opened my eyes to the real possibility of awful things happening out of the blue.

I wish you all the best in coping with your loss. I don’t think I have much to add to what others can say about your main question, but I don’t see much harm in waiting a bit.

I agree with this. I don't know about the prem bit but your body needs time to recover.

All boys here 4, 2 and 10 months I am 44 got married to my amazing hubby in 2017 not all of us meet our partners in our 20s 🤣 we are together 14 years I wish I had been with him in my early 20s but life didn't work out that way we would love one more baby my GP has always said once your babies are healthy and your healthy according to your theory 30 is getting old to have a baby ... our 4 Yr old and 10 month sleep the night every night our 2 Yr old doesn't he is a nightmare at bedtime always has been it's a personal decision if your expecting for second baby to be just like first baby your not ready for another one

www.statista.com/statistics/1033074/fertility-rate-uk-1800-2020/ If that is the case, you have an extremely unusual extended family. The fertility rate (average number of children born per woman has never been close to 13. Even in , say 1850, the average Englishwoman had five children (which works out to about six children on average for those women who reproduced, since a large minority of women never married or had children). Births got spaced out due to breastfeeding combined with low BMI (which suppresses ovulation for a while), couple not having sex for a while after the birth of.a baby, and practical factors like the lack of privacy that develops in a small house where there are already a few children around, and the spacing got wider as couples got older.

By the way, the idea that large families stopped being a thing due to more birth control is also a bit of a myth. As the chart in my first post shows, fertility rates started declining long before there were reliable birth control methods! Birth control is a good thing because it gives women choice (and hormonal birth control also serves medical functions in some women anyway), but it is not the main reason why we don’t have six children each any more.

I would. Get them all done as close as you can. Obviously not if you're struggling with a non sleeper or whatever, but given that things are easy enough then I definitely would. The older the child gets the harder it must be to start all over again with the baby stages......

A friend has 5 children and two are in the same school year....

My Mum had four of us under 5, and then fostered a baby while my Dad was at sea. She must have been mad..... But you are only considering one more, and maybe a third after that. Why not?

(Disclaimer - I only have twins. Tried for a frozen embryo when they were 18 months but it didn't take. So I can't speak from experience).

Good luck!

My first two were 3 yrs 9 months apart and my 3rd and 4th were 13 months apart. I found it much easier with the bigger gap when they were very little as the older one was not in the baby stage and did not need as much attention as the younger one. With the ones close together, I was very tired for around 3 years as neither slept well and it was very hard but now that they are old at 10 & 11, it is good as they are companions where as the first two did not interact as much as they were at different stages but now that they are older they do have a closer relationship ( they are in their twenties). At the end of the day everyone is different and every child is different. There is no right gap to have another child.

I have known some couples who have been perfectly happy with one child but then have had another closely afterwards. It makes a huge difference in terms of workload and, from what I have seen, can be very exhausting. Also, when they are so close together in age it can cause much more rivalry than usual.

Why not give yourself time to spend with your first child and wait for a couple of years or so.

I'd say give your body longer to recover thru say it's takes always a year for your body to recover. Plus I'd let your baby be your sole focus for a bit longer too!

I have 13 months between my 2, now adults. The first was a dream baby, the second was bloody hard going - insisted on being breast fed and sleeping with us, the alternative was complete hysteria. Colic too. It nearly finished us off. She settled into herself and became happy and slept in her cot/accepted a bottle around 10 months. It was a very long hard slog. You get through it because you have no choice. My mistake for slipping up with contraception, I really wouldn't recommend planning such a close gap. She's a wonderful young woman now. I was coming up 31 when she was born so very similar age to you.

I would suggest you compromise with your DH and start trying for the second once your eldest is around a year old. Gives your body more time to recover too. Both of mine ended up being EMCS births, again something you just have to deal with if it happens.

What has been nice is that they're both girls, they're very close and supportive of each other, rarely argue and had the same interests growing up so once they were older we weren't pulled in different directions. They truly have each others back.