To try to conceive second when DD is four months old ?

[bluelollipop99]

I'm 30, DP is 29. We have one DD , who is four months old. I will turn 31 in the summer .

Ideally we'd like 3 kids, although of course I know nothing is gaurunteed and we may not be lucky enough to have any more.

I have been lucky with DD.

I didn't really know anything about babies so was expecting the worst but she has slept pretty well since 10 weeks, ( she is bottle fed).

For the last six weeks or so, she's generally been doing 11-7 .30ish in one stretch, (just sheer luck, not down to anything we've done).

I'm aware that as I'm getting older, TTC has less chance of success and could take longer, and that as we ideally want 3, we can't have really long gaps.

I understand a 2 year age gap is normally traditional/ expected , but part of me thinks in some ways , a 1 year old and a baby could be less hard work than a 2 year old and a baby , ( terrible 2's and a newborn sounds very difficult).

That if we decide to stop at 2, then we will have got all the baby stage done in one go, rather than stopping and starting. That just getting it all done in one go may be easier career wise .

On the other hand the reasons for leaving it longer include:

1)I did find the initial six weeks or so very tiring , imagine how difficult that would be with a 1 year old on top ?

2 ) No guarantee the next baby might be a lot more difficult, colic, non sleeper, allergies , SCBU stay - how difficult would that be with a 1 year old on top ?!

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

4. If something went wrong with the birth and I needed an EMCS ( think about 1/4 births ends in an EMCS) , be hard to recover with a 1 year old .

The pregnancy with DD was physically very easy , ( no nausea etc ) but emotionally very traumatic, ( my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was five months pregnant); and I was sent a lot of extremely abusive messages over her funeral by an ex school "friend" of mine, ( now blocked); so part of me thinks it would be nice to enjoy a pregnancy in less emotionally traumatic times.

So I'm very conflicted. My partner says he would normally have thought two years was the standard age gap but happy to TTC now or to wait a year or two so easy going on it.

Agreed there are studies that say your body does need recovery time to reduce complications in subsequent pregnancies.

You are brave! 😅 I couldn't even consider sex for a couple of months (TMI but I bled heavily for 6 weeks) and I also didn't get periods for 15 months post partum (breastfeeding and meds for PND). Having said that, I never had another and I sort of wish I had done.

You are only 30, you can definitely afford to wait a year or two. Give your body chance to heal.
I back up pp who say that things may change sleep wise. DD was a good sleeper at 3 months,by1 year/ 18 months it was very hard. At your age there is no rush.

Hey,

I'm also in your situation (five month old DS here who is my first born and I'm the same age and want small gaps too!)

However, the "cons" list you've cited doesn't actually cover the most important and worrying ones.

First, having a baby before 12 months postpartum SIGNIFICANTLY increases the baby's risk of developing multiple disorders. For autism for example, the odds increase by 50% if you get pregnant within 12 months of giving birth. 50%!!!!!!!

Second, the much higher risk of premature birth.

Those are what I'd be worried about before anything like lack of sleep or general parenting workload.

And found it hellish. Who's to say, OP?

I got pg when dc1 was 9 months, i could have happily ttc before (from 6 months) but wanted to go on holiday before mornkng sickness/tiredness.

Imo i would do it again, dc1 has sen so it hasnt been easy but it's been really nice that they are so close as they like the same sort of things which makes days out etc easy. Also now dc2 is 3 i cant imagine goung back to no sleep, poonamis,

And because dc1 was small when dc2 waa born i didnt have to worry about ferrying him to school/clubs etc i could just take him to the park and sit down! Also when i was pg and tired i could set him up with toys next to me and snooze

Jesus, my vagina was still a war zone at 4 months old. No chance.
You've got loads of time.

Can you provide sources for these statistics please?

I had a 'surprise' pregnancy when DD1 was 6 months old. I was devastated and nearly didn't go through with it. It was HARD. Hard being pregnant with a baby/toddler - the pandemic didn't help - hard having a c section with a 15 month old to look after. Hard the first year. Hard the second year.

BUT now they are nearly 2 and 3 I'm actually relieved! They have the same routine, same activities, play. They do bicker which drives me bonkers at times but I think that's the same with any age difference. Dd2 has just started DD1s preschool and apparently DD1 is very protective of her and has brought her into her group of friends. Many of my friends are having their second DC now and I'm so glad I've done it! Nearly over the nappies, and naps are all done so baby stage nearly over.

DD1 was a high needs baby and DD2 was super easy so that may have impacted my experience. But overall in hindsight I'm glad but expect a couple of brutal years!

This is good advice.

1. https://www.autism.org/pregnancy-spacing-may-affect-odds-of-asd/#:~:text=Across%20the%20general%20population%2C%20this,a%2024%20percent%20greater%20chance.%E2%80%9D
2. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/features/time-between-births.html
3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21220394/

Age gap between my two of 15 months
Best thing we did
no family nearby and both born by emergency sections
The first 3 months or so was the hardest but I wouldn’t change it at all
growing up they always had a friend in each other which was lovely to watch
i say go for it!

On the face of it. It's fine buttttt this would give me pause for thought

3. Neither DP or I have family living locally so although our families are nice, wouldn't have family being able to offer practical support on tap .

Also check your work situation re: maternity pay.

The other point to consider is to double check you are back to normal PP (no prolapse, hernia, diastis recti ) i recommend mummy mot with a physio/ specialist.

I really think there is a lot of scaremongering here. I was mid thirties when I had my first child six months before getting pregnant with him I had a miscarriage followed by a ruptured ectopic, got pregnant again after six weeks with my son. When he was six months old I got pregnant with my daughter. It was okay. Yes I got PND with my second but that was probably because my DH had loads of work on and we didn't see each other for six months. It was tiring but we all had afternoon naps together in bed, my DD just fitted in and generally they've been into similar things at similar times. My body was fine, in fact pushing a double buggy up and down hills is great exercise, my teeth are fine.

So because you’re a case study of one, she will be fine? That’s your logic?

I can’t comment on the effects on your body that others have mentioned, but my eldest 2 are 21 months apart (1 school year) and my youngest 2 are 16 months apart (also one school year) and those age gaps have been brilliant for us: they each have a ready made best friend (though we may just have been really lucky!). I prefer it to the 4 year gap between dc2 and dc3

I agree @SuperGinger mine are 13 months apart, pregnancy and recovery after 2 c sections absolutely fine. Looking after them both also not as hard as I thought it would be. In the early days when baby doesn't do much it gave me the chance to still give most attention to my 13 month old as baby was asleep.

A one yr old and a baby wld be absolute hell!! Ur lovely well behaved baby may not be what the second one is. My first slept through from 6wks old the second one well she's 3 still doesn't sleep through! Also very different didn't feed well cried more wasn't as happy etc.

I felt going from zero to 1 was ok in comparison to 1 to 2. At 4 months old in barley experienced being a parent. As soon as little one is mobile u need eyes in back of ur head. Then once they get waking that's a whole other ball game!

Also ur 30 a lot of folk don't even have 1 by then. It u went for 2yr age gaps u wld be done by 36! Plenty of time.

My age gap was 2 1/2 yrs. Eldest had been toilet trained for months by then and the dummy was also gone. She went in to her big girl bed and moved rooms a few months before baby was here.

There was no way I was doing 2 lots of nappies!

@Howdoyoulikeyoureggsinthemorning those studies suggest a 10% chance IF your first child has ASD.

My PFB has ASD. DD (born 14 months later) does not. Neither does DS2 (born 3 years later) or DS3 (born 19 months after DS2).

I do believe that there are genetic links though.

Quite frankly, there are many other scenarios that I might worry about.

I fell pregnant again when DC1 was 9 months old, not through active TTC but we weren’t using contraception because I was 38 when she was born. Note: 38, not 30! You are nowhere near old enough to be panicking about declining fertility.

I absolutely loved having kids 17 mths apart and would do it all again in a heartbeat. I had 2 caesareans with no issue or complications for me or DC2. My DC1 was a great sleeper and easy baby and although DC2 was a bit more challenging I genuinely found having 2 kids less stressful than having 1. I think I relaxed into it more and wasn’t trying to do everything perfectly.

You do seem to be overthinking this a little bit however and time is on your side. I’d just give it a few more months, let the hormones settle down and revisit the idea from the POV of do we want kids close together rather than panic over your age or trying to wipe out previous stresses.

Is there statistics on having another asd child following one?

I have an almost 3 year old daughter with ASD and a 4 month old baby. I find that thoughts of wether she will have ASD too overtake most of my time. It dosnt matter and if she does she does I just wish I could stop thinking about it

I wouldn't. You can not judge a baby's sleep patterns at 4 months. My second slept through the night until he hit 4 months, he didn't start sleeping through again until he was almost 2, up and down all night it was so hard. A newborn on top of that would have sent me over the edge. There's 20 months between my two and I think this age gap was two small, the first year or so was very hard. If you had said you where 40+ then maybe go ahead but at 30 you really don't need to rush.

Honestly I think you're having a grief reaction and you need to let things settle for yourself emotionally before making any big decisions.

Consider the possibility of multiples!

No, honestly I'd wait till your first is at least one. You're only 30 time is in your side.
I'm very sorry to hear about your mum. That's so so shit. I think you need to really take time to process what's happened. Your mum dying unexpectedly and then having a baby in short succession is huge trauma and life change and your brain will take time to process and heal. I wouldn't complicate that by TTC/another pregnancy just yet.