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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm wasting my children's lives by cleaning

231 replies

wastingyouthondishes · 15/02/2023 08:07

And I go through the same routine every day.
I wake up, think this is the day I get the whole hpuse clean before they get back from school, spend the next 6 hours cleaning, sigh because I've not even finished 2 rooms, pick them up from school and try to finish while they scratch eachothers eyes out or feign diarrhea so they camt possibly pick up a barbie. I have a toddler at home all day who constantly swipes every fucking item onto the floor. He's recently discovered how to empty a drawer and this week I've not had a clear floor in any room for longer than 2 minutes.

It comes in ebsand flows, I always find myself posting this stuff when I reach toddler stage, but now I'm old enough and I've had enough kids (4) to realise that I'm wasting my toddlers last days at home with me before school starts and my children's lives after school.

I'm not a pig (all the time) and I don't live in a bomb site always but if the police or an ambulance had to enter my home for an emergency today I'd be contacted by social services for potential death via lego induced fall! Oh and throwing toys down the stairs! Toddler is 2 and still learning but I can't keep up with the mess.
DH works full time and he's spending every day after work helping me clean and then making dinner and tidying up after too and I'm still not making a dent because my kids keep bringing everything out before I've even put it all away.
considering locks on every door and just locking each room when I've finished and the kids can live in the bath!

I go to bed every night upset its not done and I've not gone to the park but I can't live like this. We are decluttering but it's slow and they sneak stuff back in the house from the bags.

Its not always this bad but its been over a week and the kids keep taking toys into my room because their floor is full! despite me tidying all day!
I need it all out don't I? Aghhh!!!!!

-pure rant-

OP posts:

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/02/2023 08:10

You’re fighting a losing battle! Don’t beat yourself up!

Dinkeigh · 15/02/2023 08:11

Something sounds incredibly wrong if you need to clean for this amount of time each day. Your life is basically cleaning! You either have the most cluttered and messy house in the world, or you have issues with expectations with young kids around!

Botw1 · 15/02/2023 08:12

How are you spending 2 hours a day cleaning and still not getting it done?

Get rid of most of the toys.

Siameasy · 15/02/2023 08:13

Have a declutter
Get some decent storage and then hide stuff
Do more joyful things in your spare time.

Dinkeigh · 15/02/2023 08:13

Botw1 · 15/02/2023 08:12

How are you spending 2 hours a day cleaning and still not getting it done?

Get rid of most of the toys.

OP says 6 hours cleaning before the school run each day, then cleaning when back as well and DH helping clean when home from work. Sounds insane.

converseandjeans · 15/02/2023 08:14

You're better off taking the toddler out to a play group do they can let off some steam.

Take the others out after school to a park or cafe or something.

Then tackle cleaning with DH in the evenings.

Can you declutter & put away some toys or get rid of some stuff?

Phos · 15/02/2023 08:15

Perhaps a better storage solution for toys and an expectation that toys are tidied away and not taken from the room en masse. We got fed up of our living room being toys r us, invested in some kallaxes and set ground rules. They get bent from time to time, there’s a box of toys in my study right now from when DD came in whilst I was finishing something off but it’s generally contained.

Babdoc · 15/02/2023 08:15

How old are your other DC? You seem
to be making a rod for your own back, letting all of them make a continual mess which you meekly go round clearing up.
Start asserting some parental authority. They do not get a second toy out until they have put the first one away. They tidy their rooms before any treats are allowed.

Even the toddler - if you allow him to empty a drawer, (why?) sit with him and state that now it all has to go back in before he can play with anything else. You will get tantrums at first, but if you hold firm to your rules, he will eventually learn that it’s a pain to chuck things around as it invariably means tidying it up again.

My two were inexplicably keen on pulling all the books out of bookcases, but soon got bored when they had to put them all back. “We can’t go to the park now, we have to tidy all these books first” Rinse and repeat…

Elisheva · 15/02/2023 08:15

You’ve got too much stuff. If everything was put away nicely would there be places for it to go or would the drawers/cupboards be overflowing?

SeulementUneFois · 15/02/2023 08:16

You have a parenting problem. You need to enforce the kids bringing toys out (while they haven't tidied the previous ones) till they stop doing it.

AlisonDonut · 15/02/2023 08:17

Are you cleaning, or are you tidying?

More storage, less stuff?

MrsBunnyEars · 15/02/2023 08:17

It does sound excessive.

It’s difficult to know if there’s a real problem with cleanliness, or with you having overly high expectations. Can someone (DH?) give you a candid assessment?

If it really is a mess, I’d either get professionals in for a deep clean and/ or have DH take the kids away for a weekend so you can blitz it. It shouldn’t then be too time taking to stay on top of.

Im not sure what to suggest if it’s a question of unrealistic expectations!

Pricklyheath · 15/02/2023 08:18

Having toys out is not the same as not cleaning.
Clean your bathroom and kitchen and do the laundry and then enjoy your dc.
I had a friend who cleaned all the time, her now adult dc had a miserable childhood because they were living in a show home.

Didcotdidnot · 15/02/2023 08:18

Declutter, declutter, declutter. Get rid of half of your stuff. The less stuff there is, the less there is to tidy. Have just done this and it makes things a whole lot easier. Be ruthless!

Campervangirl · 15/02/2023 08:18

Give yourself a break, you're fighting a losing battle, enjoy your DC.
One day they'll be gone then you'll be like me, living in a spotless home and missing the chaos

Ursulaursula82 · 15/02/2023 08:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Patchworksack · 15/02/2023 08:21

You need The Saturday Box. Big storage box that lives under the stairs (or somewhere unobtrusive) that anything left lying around gets chucked into without ceremony. On Saturday it gets emptied out and either the owners put their things away or they get binned/charity shopped. Being deprived of their stuff for a few days concentrates the mind. The other thing that helped us was big circular mat with a drawstring for Lego so you can just gather it all up and hang the bag up when they finish.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 15/02/2023 08:21

Agree with others, too many toys! Have a chuck out and cut right back.

Toddler won't give a damn, most will happily play with your tupperware with as much enthusiasm as their own toys.

Get the older kids on board either by selling the stuff on and giving them the proceeds or, if its beyond the condition of being sold or you CBA (fair, who's got time for Marketplace nonsense) just offer them a nominal fee for each toy they put in the chuckout heap (say 10-20p, up to 50p for really valuable/massive items). Sell or give it all away. Feel the weight lift from your shoulders.

Of what's left, put about half into the attic/underbed storage in your room and rotate what's available to maintain interest.

Look into one of those toy library services, so new things can come in but not stay and fill up your house unused.

No judgment here btw - left to myself I would have filled our house with baby/toddler crap. But my DP is phobic about mess, and he keeps quite a tight reign on the amount of stuff he lets into the house and institutes regular chuck outs to keep on top of things.

Re getting the kids on board, start the toddler young - take time to develop a 'tidy up' game where you sing a song while putting stuff away then watch an episode of Peppa as a treat or something. Older kids? Bribery all the way I'd say. Offer them rewards that are meaningful to them for keeping their rooms tidy. Absolutely BAN them from taking toys into your bedroom and put a lock on your door to enforce if you need to - that is YOUR space!

motherofkevinnotperry · 15/02/2023 08:23

Have a good sort out! Sounds like you've got too much stuff, not good storage and very high standards or really really messy kids (who could be helping unless they're a babe in arms). Tidy up time every night before baths/bed.

You need to have a place for everything and until this is achieved your never going to be on top of anything. You also have to make a mess before you can be tidy!

Do a ruthless decluttering. Then look at your storage options and see what needs to change. It will be chaos while you do this.

Shortpoet · 15/02/2023 08:23

Declutter. Read Decluttering at the speed of life by Dana K White. You need less stuff.

Have the older kids responsible for putting their own toys away.

Instigate “5 minute pick up sessions” where everyone in the family picks up and puts away for 5 mins. 4 people x 5 mins x twice a day is 40 mins of picking up once you have done it a few times so they understand what yo do. It helps if you’ve decluttered first so everything has a space ready to go to.

Is it just kids toys or is it your stuff too?

liveforsummer · 15/02/2023 08:24

Go out more then less mess is created and you'll both be happier. Have a whip round once they are in bed and dedicate one day a week to a deeper clean. No one needs to be cleaning for 6 hours a day

FatSealSmugSoup · 15/02/2023 08:24

You’re wasting your OWN life by spending 6 hours a day cleaning - what sort of existence is that?

given you claim you can’t even clean 2 rooms in 6 hours, I suspect you’re going at the skirting boards and light fittings daily with a toothbrush and zoflora.

stop following brainless fuds on Instagram and speak to your GP.

FeliciteFaff · 15/02/2023 08:24

OP. If you have Instagram and Pinterest, where you find your ideas of perfect looking homes, I would say first of all switch that stuff off and delete it. These perfected homes have caused a psychological nightmare in women’s heads, women think that their homes have to be pristine and guest ready at all times. The truth is that minimalism will help you if you have that much stuff in the home that your children are creating a mess from. It means you need to reduce and I would start doing that once they are back at school. Laundry is my personal undoing. So I’m going to reduce clothing. I have to add I was strict about mess making, if they dumped it they had to pick it up and put it back. Even with toddlers I’d walk them to where the crap was use their hands to pick it up. Even if it was 20-30 times I did it. I stopped that shit in two days flat. Best of luck. You sound like a good mum who is trying her best.

Hoolihan · 15/02/2023 08:25

Get some storage, get the kids to help you put stuff away, show them where it all goes. Tell them that anything left out on Sunday night is going to the tip on Monday and stick to it. Sounds like you need to get rid of a lot of stuff.

Singleandproud · 15/02/2023 08:25

How much storage do you have?
Kallax units with boxes are great, give each child a set of boxes in a specific colour and a colour for shared family toys and board games. They put their toys in the box, each child is only allowed one box at a time, all the toys are scooped up and back in the box - each child is responsible for tiding their things (even the toddler), stick the tidy up song from YouTube on and give a prize (sticker for the front of their box) for who ever tidies quickest.

Get out of the house, stick the laundry on and go to the park or library, go out after school. If you aren't in the house it can't get messy.

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