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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
DoormatBob · 15/02/2023 08:52

DNBU · 15/02/2023 08:40

There are good men, but there are a lot of guys that feel entitled to do whatever the fuck they want.

I do agree there is a male privilege that it's much easier to restart a new life. The consequences are lower for men.

considerablycuntierthanyou · 15/02/2023 08:53

You'll be told on this thread that it's just you, you've picked duds, there are plenty of nice men out there, you just have to keep trying. That the threads in relationships board are only ever going to be negative, and only unhappy people are going to reach out and ask for help.

Go visit Female Dating Strategy on reddit. Those women will help you navigate your relationships with men far better than this place. Women here are hopelessly attached to their "most men are lovely, really" world view. Even though the most dangerous thing a woman could ever do is live with a man.

YANBU. Straight women have a terrible time.

Bleakhouser · 15/02/2023 08:54

BabyOnBoard90 · 15/02/2023 08:35

It's entirely sexist and false to suggest cheating is a man thing tbh, lots of women do the same

Show quote history

I wasn’t referring to cheating, I was talking about war, sexual violence, aggression, abuse, murder.

Cheating is the least of our worries tbh

Charlize43 · 15/02/2023 08:57

saraclara · 15/02/2023 08:35

Reverse the sexes and this could be the title of a post on an incel board.

This ^

Sometimes MN appears like the reverse side of the same coin.

What is it, the kids say, 'Haters gonna hate!'

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 08:58

This thread is obviously expanding into a much wider debate ... .. just to zero in on your (op) experiences and observation of these two situations;

If you've been cheated on etc - naturally you might judge that sex by those actions; but plenty of men have been cheated on by women so they might equally try to judge our sex on those actions. Would either be correct. The official stats for cheating - though it's very hard to tell when it's self reporting ; are not far off each other in terms of cheating (for men and women).

I know quite a lot of men who've been cheated on in pretty shit circumstances... My uncle was married to a woman who was an alcoholic and regularly cheated on him. He's now married to a woman who declared feelings for him, having met him while bringing her husband's lunch into their workplace. She claimed the marriage was dead, left her dh and divorce him. Nonetheless it was her coming onto his work colleague while bringing his lunch into work, and him who was left for someone else.

My sister cheated on her long-term on off boyfriend, who she was engaged to at the time and living with. She got pregnant by one of two other men (still don't know which). My other sister is said to have cheated on her ex husband, I believe he forgave the affair and agreed to accept paternity for a pregnancy around the time of the affair; her younger DD bears absolutely no resemblance to him. None whatsoever.

I went to uni with a girl who regularly cheated in her bf with his mate. I travelled with a girl who says straight she'd been cheating on her bf with his friend for most of their relationship

I know a neighbour's DD who cheated on her dh on a girl's holiday ...he forgave and is still with her.

I could keep listing examples.

Fact is the world is full of shitty cheaters of both sexes.

The rest of the behaviour around sexual abuse, assault, rape, exploitation, prostitution, violence,toxic masculinity etc is, of course, a related but separate subject.

CrescentMoons · 15/02/2023 09:00

Luckydip1 · 15/02/2023 08:09

Maybe we all need to lower our expectations, men think with their dicks so it's no surprise that they are unfaithful, maybe that's what we need to accept to avoid unnecessary suffering.

What expecting trust, truth, respect etc is too much!!!

considerablycuntierthanyou · 15/02/2023 09:00

Charlize43 · 15/02/2023 08:57

This ^

Sometimes MN appears like the reverse side of the same coin.

What is it, the kids say, 'Haters gonna hate!'

Show quote history

Men who hate women abuse, rape, and murder us.

Women who hate (i.e., fear) men seek ways to avoid them.

Your comparison is false.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2023 09:02

Break up with him. It’s not his fault your exes were shits and he’s wasting his time if you’re sitting there waiting for him to disappoint you.

If you’ve been here a while you’ll know that anyone with the temerity to post anything positive on the relationships board is immediately branded smug, goady or insensitive. Someone was once told “this is a board for bad relationships” and to piss off. Misery loves company and it’s not representative at all of normal marriages with their inevitable highs, lows and bits in the middle. You’re not yourself any favours by absorbing so much negativity. It won’t stop you from picking a dud, it might ruin the chances of you finding and staying with a good man.

Luckydip1 · 15/02/2023 09:03

@CrescentMoons as another poster has said women cheat as much as men, not sure if the monogamy ideal is realistic for many and maybe we should accept that so that we don't get so hurt when our male of female partner cheats, certainly not put our children through a divorce because of it.

wyntersuhn · 15/02/2023 09:03

I feel like lots of people are missing the fact that your last three relationships ended because of atrocious behaviour on the part of your partners. So your experience is not just informed by the Mumsnet 'echo chamber'. YANBU to feel the way you do. Even the awesome men I know can say and do some horrible stuff when they are with other men. If I were to separate from my DH there's no way I'd date.

wyntersuhn · 15/02/2023 09:04

LakeTiticaca · 15/02/2023 08:28

How many of you who are proclaiming how much you detest all men and how vile they are, are mothers of sons?
do you think the same about yoir sons because they will be men one day

I'm a mother of sons and I work hard every day to try to raise them to be decent human beings.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 09:04

considerablycuntierthanyou · 15/02/2023 09:00

Men who hate women abuse, rape, and murder us.

Women who hate (i.e., fear) men seek ways to avoid them.

Your comparison is false.

Show quote history

This is true, but I think this thread has become a derail from the op's main focus .... Fidelity (though porn use was raised and thats another subject).

Op's main focus was her cheating exes and these two cheaters.

But one of the cheated on parties may have been aware the cheater cheated on his last partner to get with her.

And in the other case, we have two victims of the cheating .... His wife and her partner.

Also while op has been cheated on in two out of three cases .... There are plenty of men who've been cheated on likewise - so it's not a gender/sex specific behaviour.

It's a scummy person (of either sex) behaviour.

Goldenbear · 15/02/2023 09:05

Statistically are you at an age where all the 'good' men are married or taken. I went to a 40th party where DH's friend is on the second partner, after being with the Mother of his children for 13 years, he's really nice and the new girlfriend was lovely but it struck me with conversations with them both how hard at that age it is to meet someone, she was 37. She told me one man she dated was good looking but he had implied she was too intellectual for him as she had said to him how she was 'exhausted' one weekend and he didn't know what the word meant! We then proceeded to go to (in my mind) clubs full of students not far off my son's age of 15. I got the impression it was somewhere they had boh been as part of dating. This wasn't London where I know people do things later, settle down later but it was commutable to London. I came to the conclusion now that at 44 I wouldn't be dating if I split with DH of this is what it looks like. I mean DH and I are happy but marriage is compromise sometimes shockingly so so from an outsiders perspective it may all look like it is not worth it.

Zebedee55 · 15/02/2023 09:05

Some men are bloody awful, some are diamonds.

The same with women.

I worked in a Child Protection dept for years - a lot of women also abuse their children. There are many forms of abuse, all of them harmful.🙁

It's silly to generalise.😚

Lasttraintolondon · 15/02/2023 09:06

The hardest thing is that it's not always bad people doing bad things, it's often good people who do bad things. The problem with that is you don't see it coming. I now go into all relationships expecting the worst but hoping for the best. Always make sure you've got your finances sorted and make sure to maintain your friendships outside your primary relationship.

Lastly, it's men you think are awful because you're in an echo chamber here. If you were dating women I'm sure you'd discover similar issues out there. You need to keep perspective.

Gymgo · 15/02/2023 09:06

I'm a bloke, iv had women cheat , liar , text other men and assault me

a women neighbour has had her kids taken off her due to drug use and lives with the dads

FiveShelties · 15/02/2023 09:07

Some men are awful - some women are awful.

Can you imagine how boring the Boards would be if everyone with a good relationship posted. I have been married twice, my first husband was an idiot and my second husband is amazing. I am so pleased that I did not let my first marriage spoil my view of men as I would then never have got together with my second husband. We have been married 40 years in April.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 09:08

Statistically are you at an age where all the 'good' men are married or taken

I detest statements like this.

I know two 50 something women who have met, married and are in Ltrs with good men.

There may not be tonnes of them but there are some out there.

Such absolutes as "all" are really unhelpful and cruel to single people trying to meet someone.

2023usernameNew · 15/02/2023 09:08

I’m also happily married, but if I was to find myself single again, I would just go out and play the field, there’s no way I’m living with another man again.

some of the threads that shock me the most are those divorced women with kids that move in with someone new months after meeting them.

Goldenbear · 15/02/2023 09:10

To be clear my son and friends tell me what is sexist, they are objectively balanced human beings. However, I think statistically 35 - late 40s the 'sound' men have been taken and I'd they haven't it is rarer to find.

ButterBastardBeans · 15/02/2023 09:10

Who is raising these awful men though? Mostly women. Maybe the way boy children are raised is fundamentally wrong.

AWaferThinMint · 15/02/2023 09:11

I have a good one that I'm keeping.

But in general, there are a lot of men I meet, partners of my friends, H's friends, colleagues etc who I would never want to live with or be in a partnership with in a million years. They're just so feckless. As the PP said, if I found myself single again I'm not sure I'd risk living with another man. I feel my luck has been used up finding mine.

TicketBoo23 · 15/02/2023 09:11

ButterBastardBeans · 15/02/2023 09:10

Who is raising these awful men though? Mostly women. Maybe the way boy children are raised is fundamentally wrong.

More like it's the testosterone and toxic masculinity etc.

And in most families a man and a woman raise sons .....

Is there anything you're not going to blame women for.

StandALot · 15/02/2023 09:11

Some men are horror shows, some women are horror shows.
Good and bad in both sexes.

Pyewhacket · 15/02/2023 09:11

TrainteaAnnie, I know quite a few men who hold exactly the same opinion of women, and with good reason.