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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

855 replies

TrainteaAnnie · 15/02/2023 08:03

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust..
One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday.
I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to.
And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage.
In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman.
It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful.

Help!

OP posts:
TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 15:22

MissMaple82 · 15/02/2023 11:25

Are you for real 🤣🤣

Show quote history

She probably means this study.

https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=3463364

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 15:58

5128gap · 17/02/2023 20:54

So, what exactly is your point here? That sexual violence is a crime committed equally by women? What are the stats then, if women are just as bad? How many of these 'rapes' (as you erroneously call them) were committed last year? By how many women?

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Come on, it's horrible for male rape victims to not call it rape. Whg should the definition of rape be phallocentric? It's unbelievably inappropriate. By that standard, a woman who was assaulted non-penetratively by a man or woman wouldn't have been raped either. We should change the definition as other countries have.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 17:22

RadioactiveWear · 15/02/2023 09:57

I lived overseas in a completely different culture, which has changed my attitude to marriage. I am also married to someone whose mother is from another culture, unrelated to where we lived, and she seems to have a similar mindset.

It is just my observation that Western women seem to go for looks and lust, whereas other cultures put more emphasis on other traits. So, for example, in one place I lived young women openly talked of finding a man who can provide them with the 5 Cs of Cash, Car, Condo, Club and Credit. I used to think this was awful, but they seem to know something we didn't, that most men are ultimately selfish and can't be trusted, so make sure you find one that gives you a return on your investment. I heard it being described as a contact, you give me this, and I'll give you that. This didn't mean that people married men they didn't love, or find attractive, it was just that these practicalities were taken heavily into consideration. You don't see that here.

My MIL has often said that you should marry someone who is rich, it doesn't matter what they look like. I used to be shocked by this, but as I got older I can see that she too thinks men are generally a nasty bunch and if you have to put up with it, you may as well get compensated for it.

Not saying it is a good thing, just a different take on relationships.

Why put up with it? Sounds terrible : seeing marriage as a transaction where you provide sex & the man treats you badly but works v hard to make those 5 Cs.

I'd rather make my own money, not focus on materialism, and marry a man if I find a good & kind one.

What culture is this, BTW? One where women have less power so rely on men for money? Don't have to live that way in UK.

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 17:29

AdamRyan · 15/02/2023 10:08

Maladjusted men think everything women do is about sex.
Wearing a vest? Showing off body, must want sex. Smiling at them? Flirting, must want sex. Not smiling at them? Frigid, must need a good shag.

Maladjusted men are the problem

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Yes. There's a horrible sub on Reddit called dykeconversion where men fantasise about raping lesbians straight. Brave campaigners are trying to get it down, but Reddit tolerates any bigotry (apart from anything against transpeople) bc it's a 'kink'.

One post shared by someone trying to take it down, as an example of the content, was a man saying he saw a lesbian couple holding hands and was hoping someone would convert (ie. Rape) them straight. Just seeing a female couple holding hands provoked a violent sexual fantasy. 🤢😡

Obvs those kinds of men are NOT typical thankfully, but platforms like Reddit are a big problem, giving then a free reign...

TheJoyOfWriting · 08/09/2025 17:42

theworldhas · 15/02/2023 14:00

@WizardOfAus

*How many women do you see with porn addictions?
How many women use prostitutes?
Whats the percentage of men who frequent strip clubs compared to women
*

These three are all fundamentally because women have, on average, far lower sex drives. Therefore the market recognises the huge amount of money there is to be made exploiting this situation, with strip clubs and £100 billion porn industry overwhelming aimed at men (though that is dwarfed by the £500 billion cosmetic industry aimed primarily at women - another gargantuan market responding to differences in biological drives).

Pretending that men are just a naughty/bad version of women isn’t going to solve the more serious issues you mentioned (sexual assault, workplace harassment).

Men are free agents and chose to do those things, they're not animals ruled by their sex drives.

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