Page 34 | ....to think men are, sorry, but AWFUL

TrainteaAnnie · 2023-02-15T08:03:16+00:00

Straight woman, mid thirties. Have had three 3 year relationships. Everyone one seemed like the 'nice' guy, the kind you can trust.. One caught with porn addiction, one found dm'ing other girls on social media, one outright cheated while drunk on a lads holiday. I'm dating a lovely man now, but I honestly just had this feeling like... It's inevitable, at some point, he's gonna be like all the rest. I can't trust him although he's not given me reason not to. And then there's life, every night I come on Mumsnet and read another horror story of some poor married woman, often with young DC completely blindsided by a discovery of infidelity. Or a woman married for 40 years to her best friends finding out he's used prostitutes for their entire marriage. In the news, Megan Fox being cheated on. That horrid situation with Joe Westerman. It's everywhere, endlessly. Men driven by their dicks ruining women's lives. Women who trust and love them. It makes me feel ok physically sick thinking about it all. I feel like I never want to talk to this guy I'm dating again even though, maybe 10 years ago, I'd be in love with him. I just emotionally can't do it anymore. Men are awful. Help!

5128gap · 20/08/2023 10:49

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 08:45

@Begsthequestion I think it should be a requirement for every person who is intending to get married to have a meeting with a lawyer who ask each partner to complete a Form E and spells out the financial consequences if the marriage fails and to ask the question if your partner stops wanting to have sex with you, what are you going to do?

There are ready laws about the division of marital assets.
The second is both pointless (how are you going to know as a 20 something how you'll feel if your 50 year old husband gets ED and stops wanting to try/wont seek help? You'd probably not imagine it as a possibility. Men don't tend to shout about it.) and unnecessary.
People already know their options if their partner doesn't have sex with them. Leave, put up with it, have sex with other people. Attempts to put this on a legal footing take us dangerously back to the days of sex within marriage being a right that can be enforced. Dangerous times for women.

Begsthequestion · 20/08/2023 10:53

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 08:45

@Begsthequestion I think it should be a requirement for every person who is intending to get married to have a meeting with a lawyer who ask each partner to complete a Form E and spells out the financial consequences if the marriage fails and to ask the question if your partner stops wanting to have sex with you, what are you going to do?

Are you not going to address my question? You said men are not awful, they just lied about wanting monogamy all this time. Sounds pretty awful to me.

Begsthequestion · 20/08/2023 10:55

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 10:44

@Begsthequestion I also wonder why you think men have for millennia headed up institutions to enforce religious and marital rights which require monogamy, if they hate it so much?

The patriarchy was all about controlling women to make sure she didn’t get pregnant from another man and pass the child as the husbands. There were no DNA tests in the old times so monogamy was a must in order to pass one’s genes . Of course monogamy never applied to men, duh!

Yep, once a surplus of wealth was created via agriculture, men wanted to control it, and have inflicted all kinds of violence to do so.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 11:30

@Sandra1984 that's because prenups are worthless once kids arrive in the UK.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 11:33

@5128gap I'm only suggesting that both parties go into the contract with their eyes wide open and fully understanding the consequences and looking at some common scenarios that play out. Far too many people go into marriage when they are in the love bubble thinking their beloved can do no wrong. This couldn't be further from the truth, it should be mandatory for everyone to fully understand the financial implications of getting married.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 11:37

@Begsthequestion I think both men and women go into marriage intending to be monogamous. Everyone needs to be far better educated of the consequences of signing the contract if they get divorced and look at common scenarios. If your partner cheats on you she or he still gets half of your assets even if they were inherited. Not everyone would consider that an outcome they would want so maybe they would be better off not getting married.

Begsthequestion · 20/08/2023 11:45

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 11:37

@Begsthequestion I think both men and women go into marriage intending to be monogamous. Everyone needs to be far better educated of the consequences of signing the contract if they get divorced and look at common scenarios. If your partner cheats on you she or he still gets half of your assets even if they were inherited. Not everyone would consider that an outcome they would want so maybe they would be better off not getting married.

So you're saying, based on previous statements, men are just fooling themselves about wanting to be monogamous, and then unable to control themselves when it comes to sex, so they cheat.

Basically, you think men are fools who don't know themselves and can't control themselves.

A bit like children then, except they should know better.

Sounds like you do think men are awful after all.

Kittyhasababy · 20/08/2023 11:56

I've always thought that it is very unfair that women are branded as hormonal and emotional when testosterone seems to be very key in so much bad behaviour.

Longagonow96 · 20/08/2023 11:58

Luckydip1 · 15/02/2023 08:09

Maybe we all need to lower our expectations, men think with their dicks so it's no surprise that they are unfaithful, maybe that's what we need to accept to avoid unnecessary suffering.

Rubbish.

Kittyhasababy · 20/08/2023 11:58

@Luckydip1 In Italy when you get married you have to decide whether to pool your assets (up to that point) or keep them separate. I think it's a really good idea and if nothing else, it reinforces the idea that you are signing up to a legal contract.

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 12:13

Longagonow96 · 20/08/2023 11:58

Rubbish.

Show quote history

If you think with your dick that's fine by me, but don't mislead me into thinking we're getting in a monogamous marriage when you perfectly know monogamy doesn't work for you, problem is many men want their cake and eat it too, they want the stable family, the steady sex and emotional support AND some puss-y on the side.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 12:22

@Begsthequestion I think when men and women are in love they can get carried away with the romantic notion of marriage without understanding the consequences.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 12:25

Kittyhasababy · 20/08/2023 11:58

@Luckydip1 In Italy when you get married you have to decide whether to pool your assets (up to that point) or keep them separate. I think it's a really good idea and if nothing else, it reinforces the idea that you are signing up to a legal contract.

That's a much better approach, we should do that here!

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 12:25

@Sandra1984 women cheat just as much as men!

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 12:49

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 12:25

@Sandra1984 women cheat just as much as men!

No way. Women do cheat too that's true. Fact 1) I yet need to hear of men complaining of being too many married women on Tinder who string them along, fact 2) There's a whole sex industry out there full of busy escorts, dominatrixes, happy ending masseuses and cam girls that cater to men (and guess what? Half of their clients are married). Let me not get started with all the threads on MN of married/partnered women in distress because of their cheating guy compared to those of men in the same position. Sticking to monogamy seems to be a male problem mostly.

PifandHercule · 20/08/2023 12:50

@Lawandsawdus This!

TheScottishPlay · 20/08/2023 13:26

PandasAreUseless · 15/02/2023 08:30

My DH, who I've been with for 18 years, is a seriously good egg. So are many of our male friends. I'd probably be happy enough with most of them actually.

But every woman I know, including me, is pulling the man in their life UP.

My forward planning and diligence is why we own a house and have savings. I'm the reason my husband eats healthily (even if he cooks - its me pushing for healthy choices) and doesn't drink himself to death. I've pushed him to make career choices which have been beneficial for him. And so on.

And yes, women can be dicks too. But the overwhelming majority of the violence, depravity and corruption out there is due to men.

This.
My DH is generally lovely but I definitely invested a bit of time and effort seeing beyond and smoothing the edges of his Loaded mag fuelled 'ladness' (this was the mid '90s) before we got together seriously.
He would have still been doing his student job which he still did for a few years after graduating if I hadn't encouraged and supported him to use his degree.

In turn he has encouraged me in my career, especially through redundancy and retraining.
I definitely have a bit of menopausal reflection about his behaviour then though!

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 16:37

@Sandra1984 maybe the time has come for us to accept that monogamy is just an unrealistic ideal, especially as we all live so much longer.

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 16:57

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 16:37

@Sandra1984 maybe the time has come for us to accept that monogamy is just an unrealistic ideal, especially as we all live so much longer.

agreed, I'm not a fan of monogamy either, but If I was and it's what I wanted for my marriage I would be rightly pissed off to be mislead.

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 19:30

@Sandra1984 when you consider the amount of legal and other professional advice people get before buying a property, marriage is a much bigger legal contract but people often get none at all, it's utter madness, the government should be spelling out the risks to help people beforehand. A guy could be seduced by a hot woman who starts cheating on him after a few years of marriage and he will end up having to give her half of everything he has worked for his entire life!

Sandra1984 · 20/08/2023 20:01

Luckydip1 · 20/08/2023 19:30

@Sandra1984 when you consider the amount of legal and other professional advice people get before buying a property, marriage is a much bigger legal contract but people often get none at all, it's utter madness, the government should be spelling out the risks to help people beforehand. A guy could be seduced by a hot woman who starts cheating on him after a few years of marriage and he will end up having to give her half of everything he has worked for his entire life!

well if she has been a home maker for years, had to raise and take care of the kids which stopped her from working of course she deserves half of everything! Marriage is there to protect women and children mostly that's why I think moving in with a guy and breeding out of marriage is nuts, but that's just me.

neommear · 21/08/2023 03:46

I always put myself in the cheater role, immoral or not, and it seems to give men in my life too much to focus on to think about cheating on me. I'd rather not have to, but before I started flirting with men blatantly and causing all types of drama for my partner, I was always in the cheated role. For some reason if you keep them busy and vulnerable, they don't cheat. I'd rather a peaceful relationship, but I do like male companionship too much to give up on relationships, and if it's going to be either of us in that worried role, it's going to be him

WhatNext96 · 21/08/2023 06:41

@neommear i think what you put is really interesting! Can you expand a bit more about what you do exactly to put yourself in cheater role?

RantyAnty · 21/08/2023 17:27

neommear · 21/08/2023 03:46

I always put myself in the cheater role, immoral or not, and it seems to give men in my life too much to focus on to think about cheating on me. I'd rather not have to, but before I started flirting with men blatantly and causing all types of drama for my partner, I was always in the cheated role. For some reason if you keep them busy and vulnerable, they don't cheat. I'd rather a peaceful relationship, but I do like male companionship too much to give up on relationships, and if it's going to be either of us in that worried role, it's going to be him

I can understand this.

If they think you're faithful, at home, doing everything expected, a guy can feel free to go off and do what he wants knowing he can come home to a clean house, hot meals, and regular sex.

I guess I would call it having a sure thing.

Then again, it just solidifys that a lot of men really just see us as an appliance for their needs.

ThatChirpyLeader · 19/12/2024 03:41

Lol. All the butthurts with "women do to" awwwww the projection is sickening. Instead of BLAMING women, not participate in the bad activities. You are why women rather stay alone then to hook up with you. I see how your relationships go, you do what I most men do. Blame that female. If you have to say "women do it too" you need a new view on your life. Plus some therapy. Then make your own post complaining "how terrible women are" but again I've never been raped by a woman. Plus a woman has never befriended me to get into my pants. So no. Not women do it too, if you say this. You def are a terrible dude/woman and need help. Projection is a lack of educated argument and stay away from the women..