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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my boss is scared of me - should I call it out?

302 replies

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 00:58

My boss is very able and experienced but not a massive people person so we’re a small team. We’re each other’s key colleague. What’s bothering me is my boss seems to dread being in a room one-to-one with me. I don’t know if it is weird or AIBU to think it is weird or what.

Around November my boss took me into a meeting room to give me what he thought was a dressing down (closed door). It didn’t go well, I had plenty to say from my side and HR ended up involved. After that, any meetings he instigated were either with the door open or in weird places round the office without doors, so in open plan. A marked change from previous years of working together.

We’re both mainly WFH so it doesn’t come up much and I thought we’d got through it. But again today we had a meeting and he left the door open. The implication seems to be that I am too unpredictable/toxic/not sure what really? to be in a room with. I find it hurtful, unprofessional and odd but … should I say something?

YABU - he can leave the door open if that’s how he prefers it, everyone’s entitled to feel at ease
YANBU - weird and unprofessional, you need to be able to work in a meeting room in your company’s office with the door shut.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 01:04

I should maybe add - at the November closed-door meeting I didn’t do anything that might need the input of colleagues! I did cry though (it was a bad week for one of my DC’s health - not that I shared that). Boss has a bit of form for difficult behaviour with other colleagues, nothing major but does have a mean streak.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/02/2023 01:06

He probably got a slap on the wrist for whatever happened previously. He's doing it to protect himself so he can be overheard or have witnesses. It's fairly standard. Surprised he doesn't have someone shadowing or note taking to be certain.

GCAcademic · 15/02/2023 01:07

If I’d tried to have a meeting with a member of staff I manage to discuss something I wasn’t happy with, and they’d “had plenty to say”, cried and HR had got involved, I’d certainly avoid being alone in a closed room with them again.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/02/2023 01:07

Oh and yabu. He's being professional from the sound of it

BethFromThisIsUs · 15/02/2023 01:08

I mean you could call him out.

But I somehow doubt it’ll resolve the issue of him being scared of you 😬

sounds like he’s scared of a tribunal/bullying/harassment claim or something to be honest.

Bellalalala · 15/02/2023 01:19

He is protecting himself. It’s entirely your right to go to HR. It’s entirely his right to not put himself in that position with you again.

Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 01:20

There’s no-one note taking on all the many, many normal Teams calls we have had since that meeting.

It is an ‘in person’ thing. And definitely deliberate because in our workplace we have confidentiality requirements for our matters - almost all meetings take place with doors shut just because of the nature of the work. (Not as exciting as it sounds).

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 15/02/2023 01:33

Call what out?

You had an acrimonious meeting, HR got involved. He now feels happier with the door open. You appear to be still able to do your jobs, so there isn’t an issue. You might not like it, but it’s not unprofessional or unreasonable. Don’t be difficult about this, or the pair of you will never move forward.

Bellalalala · 15/02/2023 01:46

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 01:20

There’s no-one note taking on all the many, many normal Teams calls we have had since that meeting.

It is an ‘in person’ thing. And definitely deliberate because in our workplace we have confidentiality requirements for our matters - almost all meetings take place with doors shut just because of the nature of the work. (Not as exciting as it sounds).

If you are nothing working from home he doesn’t really have a choice but to interact on teams without others there. If he is on the office he may have others that can hear (by not using head phones) so covered there.

Or he may feels there’s less chance of you claiming he is intimidating/upsetting you if it’s not in person. It’s also easier for him to calm an end to the meeting if it goes south and contact HR himself.

EllieM27 · 15/02/2023 02:04

In addition to the above, if someone walked by during the November meeting and heard his voice (tone, raised, whatever) and you crying it is also quite possible that they raised concerns with HR. It does sound like he’s been told not to be dragging you (and possibly others?) into rooms to “dress people down.” Frankly that seems like a good thing to me.

SpookyBlackCat · 15/02/2023 02:23

I get where you are coming from. Have you tried something like saying, “This is a confidential matter, so I’ll just shut the door” just to see how he reacts? Because he seems like a coward and this is his passive aggressive way of dealing with you standing up to him.

Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:07

I haven’t raised it with him, partly because I wasn’t sure if it was unfair to do so. I guess he is not obliged to have the door closed.

I do think that it is pointed though, and passive aggressive. I just don’t think the door would be open if I was a man.

OP posts:
SlaveToTheVibe · 15/02/2023 08:17

You sound quite aggressive OP. And what do you mean by “call it out” -anyway? He’s your boss not the other way around. Are you going to be running off to HR?

I am from an investment banking background and in every bank I have ever worked it was policy to leave door open a crack for 1-2 meetings when opposite sexes. This is to prevent claims of sexual wrongdoing. if your previous issue was sexual or sex based discrimination, he may just be following HR advice.

thehorsehasnowbolted · 15/02/2023 08:20

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:07

I haven’t raised it with him, partly because I wasn’t sure if it was unfair to do so. I guess he is not obliged to have the door closed.

I do think that it is pointed though, and passive aggressive. I just don’t think the door would be open if I was a man.

He is protecting himself, I would do the same

MrsBunnyEars · 15/02/2023 08:21

I agree that that potentially difficult encounters are often best in public, unless they’re confidential.

If they are confidential, you need to talk to him or HR about it. If they’re not confidential, you need to see it as a natural follow on from what happened last time, which is good for you both.

Zampa · 15/02/2023 08:25

I line managed someone really toxic and after a complaint about me went to HR, which was full of lies and half truths, I refused to have any further 1:1 meetings with her (and entirely stopped managing her).

This was an extreme case but maybe your boss feels that they need potential witnesses?

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2023 08:26

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:07

I haven’t raised it with him, partly because I wasn’t sure if it was unfair to do so. I guess he is not obliged to have the door closed.

I do think that it is pointed though, and passive aggressive. I just don’t think the door would be open if I was a man.

He's clearly protecting himself. Which is probably sensible in view of what happened last time.

I don't see what being a male or female employee has got to do with him leaving the door open, unless you think he is scared of you making a complaint about sexual harassment? Confused

Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:26

SlaveToTheVibe · 15/02/2023 08:17

You sound quite aggressive OP. And what do you mean by “call it out” -anyway? He’s your boss not the other way around. Are you going to be running off to HR?

I am from an investment banking background and in every bank I have ever worked it was policy to leave door open a crack for 1-2 meetings when opposite sexes. This is to prevent claims of sexual wrongdoing. if your previous issue was sexual or sex based discrimination, he may just be following HR advice.

By ‘call it out’ I mean ask him why he now leaves the door open. Not sure what about this makes me sound aggressive - I haven’t actually done it yet … hence the thread.

And I have never, ever heard of a policy to leave the door open a crack - that is madness. It’s just another way of ‘othering’ women.

OP posts:
Figmentof · 15/02/2023 08:28

You one toxic, very aggressive and I wouldn’t want to be in a closed room with you either. Why the ridiculous “call it out” anyway. Nobody uses that stupid phrase in real life.

icelollycraving · 15/02/2023 08:29

It sounds like your behaviour in the meeting has caused his reaction. I’d be keeping the door open too, he’s protecting himself.
You seem to be unaware of your part in this.

crumpet · 15/02/2023 08:29

Why do you feel the need to ask him why? It’s obvious from your first post why he does this. What do you hope to achieve by asking him? It’s because it seems so obvious that it seems provocative to ask him why.

Figmentof · 15/02/2023 08:29

*You sound

Saltywalruss · 15/02/2023 08:29

Sounds a bit awkward. But Just ask him,no need to "call it out".

Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:30

This was an extreme case but maybe your boss feels that they need potential witnesses?

I feel it is more about him wanting to control the situation and to make me feel uneasy/untrusted. We are mainly WFH and will have between 1 and 5 normal professional Teams calls a day (no witnesses).

OP posts:
Dinkeigh · 15/02/2023 08:31

If someone had gone to HR about me I certainly wouldn't be in a room with a door shut by myself with them, I'd be protecting myself. (Not scared of them in the slightest, just protecting myself).

This situation happened with my old boss and someone on the team who he managed (not me). She made some accusations against him that were not true, and he could have got in a lot of trouble had they have been believed with no other witnesses (thankfully for him there was witnesses). So he made sure he was never alone with her, just in case. I'm not suggesting this is your situation.

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