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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my boss is scared of me - should I call it out?

302 replies

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 00:58

My boss is very able and experienced but not a massive people person so we’re a small team. We’re each other’s key colleague. What’s bothering me is my boss seems to dread being in a room one-to-one with me. I don’t know if it is weird or AIBU to think it is weird or what.

Around November my boss took me into a meeting room to give me what he thought was a dressing down (closed door). It didn’t go well, I had plenty to say from my side and HR ended up involved. After that, any meetings he instigated were either with the door open or in weird places round the office without doors, so in open plan. A marked change from previous years of working together.

We’re both mainly WFH so it doesn’t come up much and I thought we’d got through it. But again today we had a meeting and he left the door open. The implication seems to be that I am too unpredictable/toxic/not sure what really? to be in a room with. I find it hurtful, unprofessional and odd but … should I say something?

YABU - he can leave the door open if that’s how he prefers it, everyone’s entitled to feel at ease
YANBU - weird and unprofessional, you need to be able to work in a meeting room in your company’s office with the door shut.

OP posts:
thehorsehasnowbolted · 15/02/2023 09:22

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:42

Could HR have advised him to always have one to one meetings in a public area?

I don’t think so. A very senior member of staff who knew about the November incident and was involved with the fallout, asked me later how it had all gone. I mentioned the door thing and Senior Person said ‘Oh you just have to cut through that kind of crap and get up and shut the door’. So I don’t think it is a management technique from HR.

I would get up and open the door if someone tried to close it. Who do you think you are OP?

plumduck · 15/02/2023 09:22

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:38

He did (they have been involved with him before and I expect he wanted to get in first). We’ve worked together for a while and I’ve never cried in the office - although he has tried hard to make me! - but this time I was not strong enough and too worried about personal things.

HR approached me under the guise of ‘Just getting in touch as Boss is worried about you’. He will have been worried about himself.

The thing is, Teams calls are much more ‘closed door’ than the office.

Show quote history

What's wrong with that then. If he didn't get HR involved and you carried on being upset he'd be doing the wrong thing.

Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 09:24

To be honest, you seem to spend an awful lot of time "having a lot to say" and "calling out", and an awful lot of that talking to HR.

Did you read the bit where I said Boss called HR? Not sure why you conclude I am ‘spending an awful lot of time’ doing talking to HR or ‘calling out’. It is three months later and I haven’t said anything.

OP posts:
Abhannmor · 15/02/2023 09:25

If he really is a piece of work you are best off just ignoring the open door thing. As you say in person meetings are not that common.

This is not some 'new ploy' though. When I was a union rep my line manager would have the door ajar during meetings with an opposite sex employee - In the 90s .

It may be annoying or passive aggressive but it's just the world we live in. Involving Human Remains sometimes makes a bad situation worse.

UdoU · 15/02/2023 09:26

I suspect another colleague has put in a complaint about him to HR about him and he is trying to forestall another complaint by leaving the door open.

He sounds like a prick.

thehorsehasnowbolted · 15/02/2023 09:26

How can a 'horrible bully' be afraid of you?

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2023 09:26

MisschiefMaker · 15/02/2023 09:21

Wow a woman who doesn't take criticism lying down really rubs people up the wrong way!

Have the people here never had an unprofessional bullying boss or colleague?! Why are you all so sure she's the one in the wrong?!

Because it doesn't make sense.

She has embellished her manager's behaviour considerably since the OP. But even if her later description of him is correct, it still leads to the following scenario -

Either:

  • The manager is correct and needs to protect himself from the OP by leaving the door open during meetings

OR

  • The manager is a complete arsehole and the OP should WELCOME the fact the door is being left open during meetings.

It makes no sense for her to be considering "calling out" her manager for leaving the door open at very infrequent meetings, a situation that can only benefit HER if he's as bad as she suggests.

Quveas · 15/02/2023 09:27

MisschiefMaker · 15/02/2023 09:21

Wow a woman who doesn't take criticism lying down really rubs people up the wrong way!

Have the people here never had an unprofessional bullying boss or colleague?! Why are you all so sure she's the one in the wrong?!

Yes. But we are not commenting on whether the criticism was deserved or not. We don't know. The question was not whether the woman should or should not take criticism. Just because she is a woman does not mean that she is above criticism either.

So yes, I have had a bullying boss and I have also been accused of it too. In the latter case I made sure that my actions were protected by involving HR (as did he) and ensuring that all meeting with her were witnessed. BTW, she was dismissed for fraudulent time-keeping and other disciplinary breaches, so that woman, who also didn't like criticism, wasn't in the right.

Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 09:27

thehorsehasnowbolted · 15/02/2023 09:22

I would get up and open the door if someone tried to close it. Who do you think you are OP?

Show quote history

It is usual to have closed door meetings in our office. We deal in confidential matters and the offices are set in the middle of the open plan workspace for this purpose. So who do I think I am? I am exactly like my other co-workers expecting the same approach to meetings.

By ‘confidential’ I mean work-confidential
not personal.

OP posts:
thehorsehasnowbolted · 15/02/2023 09:28

The fact that the OP is a woman is irrelevant here

plumduck · 15/02/2023 09:28

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2023 09:26

Because it doesn't make sense.

She has embellished her manager's behaviour considerably since the OP. But even if her later description of him is correct, it still leads to the following scenario -

Either:

  • The manager is correct and needs to protect himself from the OP by leaving the door open during meetings

OR

  • The manager is a complete arsehole and the OP should WELCOME the fact the door is being left open during meetings.

It makes no sense for her to be considering "calling out" her manager for leaving the door open at very infrequent meetings, a situation that can only benefit HER if he's as bad as she suggests.

Show quote history

Yeah

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 15/02/2023 09:29

The flipping drama!

So, you cried in a meeting and HR checked you were okay. This is “fallout” 😐

A senior colleague has told you to just shut the door. Instead you’ve started a thread about it.

plumduck · 15/02/2023 09:29

If you want to discuss something with the door shut and he isn't comfortable to do so then ask if someone else being bought in will make him more comfortable

thehorsehasnowbolted · 15/02/2023 09:30

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 09:27

It is usual to have closed door meetings in our office. We deal in confidential matters and the offices are set in the middle of the open plan workspace for this purpose. So who do I think I am? I am exactly like my other co-workers expecting the same approach to meetings.

By ‘confidential’ I mean work-confidential
not personal.

Show quote history

If he is your boss, he must know this, and still wants to leave the door open. It makes no sense.

Figmentof · 15/02/2023 09:30

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 09:20

You are sounding worse and worse OP. Of course he didn’t try to make you cry, men can’t stand women crying at work, they don’t know what to do. You are a trouble maker, I would be looking to get you out. Why don’t you do everyone a favour and leave, although pity the poor sod who inherits you!

Have you actually read the thread?

How am I the troublemaker? I didn’t start the November meeting or raise the issues, I didn’t chose to cry, I didn’t go to HR, and I haven’t (yet) raised the issue of the door with him. Quite bizarre.

Why are you asking if I have read the thread? Confused

No I didn’t read the thread, I am just posting on a random thread that somebody sounds like a troublemaker at work for no reason. 🤪

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/02/2023 09:32

When I was bullied by my colleague (and another colleague but she only worked occasionally in our office) the colleague I worked with almost immediately or quite soon after I complained about her (there was an investigation and I ended up getting a verbal warning) moved her office/desk upstairs, away from me, presumably to avoid drama. We did work in a very small office though so it could be hard to avoid others.

In my case, my boss was totally ineffectual in dealing with my bullying case and even more so as he considered the 2 colleagues close friends, so sided with them, and he also the drama of “women fighting/bitching etc” apart from when it obviously got serious and I’m not surprised my colleague moved away from me as I think she didn’t want further conflict. I didn’t want conflict either but wasn’t prepared to be bullied.

In your case OP I can see why your colleague is doing this, to protect himself and as a PP says you should not call him out but ask him re the situation.

Quveas · 15/02/2023 09:33

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 09:24

To be honest, you seem to spend an awful lot of time "having a lot to say" and "calling out", and an awful lot of that talking to HR.

Did you read the bit where I said Boss called HR? Not sure why you conclude I am ‘spending an awful lot of time’ doing talking to HR or ‘calling out’. It is three months later and I haven’t said anything.

You said nothing except to HR (or did you remain totally silent when they were involved) and the senior member of staff that you happened to also mention it to? So in the three months that's a few people you did speak to - but you say you have said nothing? Your various versions do seem contradictory.

But anyway, you have made up your mind about this. You argue with anyone who is telling you anything you don't want to hear. Seems to be a trait.

Xol · 15/02/2023 09:42

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 09:16

This is bizarrely unworkable though - we have meetings together on Teams every day. The November meeting was a verbal disagreement that might have happened by Teams but we were in the office. To be clear, we didn’t have a punch up!

Show quote history

The point about Teams meetings is that they can be recorded, so he has his safeguard that way.

Cosyblankets · 15/02/2023 09:43

I have RTFT and I honestly can not see what is wrong with leaving the door open.
Has it occurred to you that it may have absolutely nothing to do with you and he may be aware of another colleague who had an accusation made.
What do you mean in your OP by plenty to say? And a dressing down? Do you mean a disciplinary? Had you done anything wrong? Just leave the door open and get on with it

Goodread1 · 15/02/2023 09:47

Hi Op

Your concerns probably had first meeting with probably very much valid and obviously naturally emotional about your child's welfare so you broke down in tears,

I think cause of the circumstances your boss naturally has to watch his back with you from now on,as he is probably quite Wary that he needs to have anyone as witness in case a meeting with you goes tits up again,

He doesn't want the even slightest potential of miscrued/any misunderstandings happening leading to potential work related Tribunals action,

He probably views your as unpredictable maybe volatile, over emotional Combative Over the Top,

burnoutbabe · 15/02/2023 09:49

Surely no one wants a 1-2-1 with their manager about their performance with the door wide open so that anyone passing can hear?

Now it may need a third party in the room but that's fine. Having any passing person hearing the discussion doesn't seem at all professional.

GCAcademic · 15/02/2023 09:53

MisschiefMaker · 15/02/2023 09:21

Wow a woman who doesn't take criticism lying down really rubs people up the wrong way!

Have the people here never had an unprofessional bullying boss or colleague?! Why are you all so sure she's the one in the wrong?!

Her OP was suitably vague and she's drip-dripped since then.

BaroldFromEastenders · 15/02/2023 09:56

Not even vague it was actually misleading. Details have only changed because she didn’t like the answers she was getting

drpet49 · 15/02/2023 09:59

GCAcademic · 15/02/2023 01:07

If I’d tried to have a meeting with a member of staff I manage to discuss something I wasn’t happy with, and they’d “had plenty to say”, cried and HR had got involved, I’d certainly avoid being alone in a closed room with them again.

This. I don’t blame him for protecting himself now.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/02/2023 10:02

I don't think he's scared of you. It more sounds like he doesn't trust you so wants witnesses. If I was dealing with a difficult person I would do this to, so that they can't lie about me or wrongly accuse me of anything