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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my boss is scared of me - should I call it out?

302 replies

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 00:58

My boss is very able and experienced but not a massive people person so we’re a small team. We’re each other’s key colleague. What’s bothering me is my boss seems to dread being in a room one-to-one with me. I don’t know if it is weird or AIBU to think it is weird or what.

Around November my boss took me into a meeting room to give me what he thought was a dressing down (closed door). It didn’t go well, I had plenty to say from my side and HR ended up involved. After that, any meetings he instigated were either with the door open or in weird places round the office without doors, so in open plan. A marked change from previous years of working together.

We’re both mainly WFH so it doesn’t come up much and I thought we’d got through it. But again today we had a meeting and he left the door open. The implication seems to be that I am too unpredictable/toxic/not sure what really? to be in a room with. I find it hurtful, unprofessional and odd but … should I say something?

YABU - he can leave the door open if that’s how he prefers it, everyone’s entitled to feel at ease
YANBU - weird and unprofessional, you need to be able to work in a meeting room in your company’s office with the door shut.

OP posts:
plumduck · 15/02/2023 08:32

Why did HR get involved- did you get them involved? Or did he?

SleeplessInEngland · 15/02/2023 08:32

If you got HR involved last time are you really surprised? (Not saying they shouldn't have been, but he's clearly covering himself)

plumduck · 15/02/2023 08:33

Doesn't sound like it's a woman thing tbh more a somethings happened and he doesn't want it to happen again

lottie2888 · 15/02/2023 08:36

Maybe he is scared of you. I guess you could ask gently but I don’t think you can be an annoyed if that’s the case. If he was he’d probably just say ‘ no it’s fine ‘ while quaking.
Could HR have advised him to always have one to one meetings in a public area?

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/02/2023 08:36

Why don’t you close the door? Then if he pointedly opens it again you can ask him directly why he needs to leave it open.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/02/2023 08:38

I feel it is more about him wanting to control the situation and to make me feel uneasy/untrusted.

But that is your feeling. Clearly from these responses leaving a door open is neither a usual control technique, nor an unreasonable thing to do.

You will feel better if you stop reading into his motivations and move past what happened.

icelollycraving · 15/02/2023 08:38

He can control the setting though, he’s your boss.

Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:38

plumduck · 15/02/2023 08:32

Why did HR get involved- did you get them involved? Or did he?

He did (they have been involved with him before and I expect he wanted to get in first). We’ve worked together for a while and I’ve never cried in the office - although he has tried hard to make me! - but this time I was not strong enough and too worried about personal things.

HR approached me under the guise of ‘Just getting in touch as Boss is worried about you’. He will have been worried about himself.

The thing is, Teams calls are much more ‘closed door’ than the office.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2023 08:38

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/02/2023 08:36

Why don’t you close the door? Then if he pointedly opens it again you can ask him directly why he needs to leave it open.

How do you think she'll react if the response is "HR have advised me to do this in any meetings with you"?

Seems like a bit of a hornet's nest to stir over infrequent meetings.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/02/2023 08:39

I think I'd be uncomfortable meeting 1:1 with someone that was likely to cry if the meeting wasn't going their way, and complain to HR and do anything I could to avoid being in that situation again.
Presumably you've not yet turned on the waterworks during a teams meeting?

Liorae · 15/02/2023 08:39

GCAcademic · 15/02/2023 01:07

If I’d tried to have a meeting with a member of staff I manage to discuss something I wasn’t happy with, and they’d “had plenty to say”, cried and HR had got involved, I’d certainly avoid being alone in a closed room with them again.

I agree. You sound like a nightmare employee.

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2023 08:40

The thing is, Teams calls are much more ‘closed door’ than the office.

He could be recording those - on his phone if not via Teams.

I'd leave it. You only meet up in this way infrequently. Seems a sensible precaution on his part and something he may have been advised to do by HR.

AlisonDonut · 15/02/2023 08:42

He has been told to keep the door open in future.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/02/2023 08:42

He did (they have been involved with him before and I expect he wanted to get in first).

HR approached me under the guise of ‘Just getting in touch as Boss is worried about you’. He will have been worried about himself.

Christ. It's very obvious that you really hate this guy I think in his position I'd leave the door open too.

Whether he deserves your ire or not I really think you will do better if you stop thinking everything he does is ill-intended.

Original poster
CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:42

Could HR have advised him to always have one to one meetings in a public area?

I don’t think so. A very senior member of staff who knew about the November incident and was involved with the fallout, asked me later how it had all gone. I mentioned the door thing and Senior Person said ‘Oh you just have to cut through that kind of crap and get up and shut the door’. So I don’t think it is a management technique from HR.

OP posts:
DNBU · 15/02/2023 08:44

It sounds like he’s scared of being accused of bullying himself, rather than scared of you.

ColdHandsHotHead · 15/02/2023 08:44

You don't seem to accept the fact that he's your manager. He's the one in the driving seat, so to speak. I doubt he's frightened of you, but I would guess HR have advised him to leave the door open. He's not 'othering' you, he's protecting himself.

PrinceHaz · 15/02/2023 08:45

I think in your position I’d consider leaving and working elsewhere. Whether he’s doing this because he’s protecting himself or he’s being petty/passive aggressive, either way, it’s not working between you.

DNBU · 15/02/2023 08:46

I think you could just get and say ‘do you mind if we shut the door?’ as you are shutting it…
and explain you feel like everyone can hear you.

Fuctifin0 · 15/02/2023 08:46

I think I'd be embarrassed if my boss, or colleague, was scared of me.

Can you maybe reflect on how you come across and work on yourself?

If I was your boss, I too would be covering my arse where you were concerned.

DNBU · 15/02/2023 08:46

PrinceHaz · 15/02/2023 08:45

I think in your position I’d consider leaving and working elsewhere. Whether he’s doing this because he’s protecting himself or he’s being petty/passive aggressive, either way, it’s not working between you.

This is such an overreaction.

Butchyrestingface · 15/02/2023 08:46

I don’t think so. A very senior member of staff who knew about the November incident and was involved with the fallout, asked me later how it had all gone. I mentioned the door thing and Senior Person said ‘Oh you just have to cut through that kind of crap and get up and shut the door’. So I don’t think it is a management technique from HR.

Some incredibly unprofessional HR personnel at your place of work. Confused

I reckon he's wise to take precautions in the face of an employee who clearly despises him AND an HR "senior person" who says things like this.

pinkdelight · 15/02/2023 08:47

It’s just another way of ‘othering’ women.

This is such an odd way to take this. He's not othering you. He's protecting himself - and both of you in fact. If he's being extra sensitive to the risks because you're a woman then that's no bad thing, it'd be naive to think there aren't risks in a closed door situation given your recent history. You simultaneously seem to think he's scared of you and that he's being PA, and to keep bringing up the Teams calls us weird as that's clearly so different as to be irrelevant. I'd be glad he's being professional about it and not be calling him out on anything.

Liorae · 15/02/2023 08:47

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/02/2023 08:36

Why don’t you close the door? Then if he pointedly opens it again you can ask him directly why he needs to leave it open.

I agree, and then OP can hear what she should hear and currently chooses to ignore.

BaroldFromEastenders · 15/02/2023 08:48

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:07

I haven’t raised it with him, partly because I wasn’t sure if it was unfair to do so. I guess he is not obliged to have the door closed.

I do think that it is pointed though, and passive aggressive. I just don’t think the door would be open if I was a man.

A man probably wouldn’t have cried in the meeting so he wouldn’t be dealing with it in the same way. If the man had cried, he may very well do the same thing - you’ve got no way of really knowing.

what do you mean by “othering women”? Because it sounds a little bit like you’re determined to find an issue with his management style. I think I might keep the door open too