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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think my boss is scared of me - should I call it out?

302 replies

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 00:58

My boss is very able and experienced but not a massive people person so we’re a small team. We’re each other’s key colleague. What’s bothering me is my boss seems to dread being in a room one-to-one with me. I don’t know if it is weird or AIBU to think it is weird or what.

Around November my boss took me into a meeting room to give me what he thought was a dressing down (closed door). It didn’t go well, I had plenty to say from my side and HR ended up involved. After that, any meetings he instigated were either with the door open or in weird places round the office without doors, so in open plan. A marked change from previous years of working together.

We’re both mainly WFH so it doesn’t come up much and I thought we’d got through it. But again today we had a meeting and he left the door open. The implication seems to be that I am too unpredictable/toxic/not sure what really? to be in a room with. I find it hurtful, unprofessional and odd but … should I say something?

YABU - he can leave the door open if that’s how he prefers it, everyone’s entitled to feel at ease
YANBU - weird and unprofessional, you need to be able to work in a meeting room in your company’s office with the door shut.

OP posts:

bobbytorq · 15/02/2023 11:50

CaponeOnTax · 15/02/2023 08:26

By ‘call it out’ I mean ask him why he now leaves the door open. Not sure what about this makes me sound aggressive - I haven’t actually done it yet … hence the thread.

And I have never, ever heard of a policy to leave the door open a crack - that is madness. It’s just another way of ‘othering’ women.

Show quote history

Being woman is irrelevant here. It's recognised practice to leave a door open when there is a history of difficult interactions. It is likely tha HR have advised him to do this.

WeAreAllLionesses · 15/02/2023 12:01

Agree being female has nothing to do with the situation.

I took out a grievance against my manager for bullying me (all done in a closed door office with no witnesses). I was moved to a new manager and every meeting was taped - it covered us both and I was glad it had been taken seriously.

LookingOldTheseDays · 15/02/2023 12:09

GCAcademic · 15/02/2023 01:07

If I’d tried to have a meeting with a member of staff I manage to discuss something I wasn’t happy with, and they’d “had plenty to say”, cried and HR had got involved, I’d certainly avoid being alone in a closed room with them again.

Yep! He's protecting himself and being professional.

Your approach sounds very confrontational, borderline aggressive, so his approach makes total sense.

Mariposista · 15/02/2023 12:10

He doesn't trust you and wants to cover his arse.

LookingOldTheseDays · 15/02/2023 12:15

Don’t ‘call him out’ - just ask mildly on a case by case basis - “shall I shut the door Bob while we discuss Xyz?”

This is the sensible approach.

The OP is getting a pasting because, rather than dealing with it in a professional way (by saying something like the above), she has jumped to wanting to "call him out". That speaks volumes as to her general style and approach here.

honeyytoast · 15/02/2023 12:16

you think your boss is trying to make you uneasy by leaving the door open?

MelaniesFlowers · 15/02/2023 12:16

Having the door open in one-to-one discussions is pretty standard across the board, for both men and women. Obviously there’s the sexual harassment element but also an intimidation element too.

YABU and you are wanting to create trouble where there needn’t be any. He has been professional involving HR when you acted out last time and is covering his back now.

Ketchupwee · 15/02/2023 12:17

I would ask him, but ask on a teams call rather than in an in person meeting

Either that or I would just get up and shut the door next time he did it

WiIson · 15/02/2023 12:24

It's up to him if he wants the door open. You don't have the right to force him to have the door closed alone in a room with you. Imagine the other way round and a male was threatening to call a female out because she wanted the door open.

Just get on with the job you're being paid for.

ClairDeLaLune · 15/02/2023 12:42

OrigamiOwls · 15/02/2023 10:19

OP: AIBU?
Everyone else: Yes!
OP - Drip feed, stamps foot: No I'm not!

I don’t think OP IBU at all, so it isn’t everybody saying that. All OP has done is stand up for herself which is difficult when you have a bullying boss. Good for her I say.

DevonSunsets · 15/02/2023 12:42

Kinda related but unrelated.

Many years ago I had a one to one with a known problem boss. He was a scruffy middle manger type that intensely disliked his job, women and being sober... in that order. The only reason he was tolerated was his almost encyclopaedic knowledge of our very complex rules based role and his letter writing skills were stonking.

We were midway though my 121 meeting, he was being his usual rude and dismissive self when I got a huge, and I mean HUGE gushing nose bleed. There was blood on the white walls, white table and light coloured flooring. There were no tissues in the room and we were miles from the loos - so by the time I was given tissues to be able to staunch it - It was everywhere. It looked like someone had been butchered in the room. He immediately sent me home for the day (my front was covered with blood and my white shirt was stuck to me)

From that day until he retired he never had a closed door meeting as everyone just assumed the worst of him. He was known to have a roaring temper / throw things and everyone just leapt to the conclusion of him either throwing something that had hit me or he had given me a slap. (no one asked me btw or checked in with me or I would have put them right)

The horrified stares and judgmental looks from the staff who saw me scurry out covered in blood was enough to make him realise how he was viewed. He got much better, still a dick, but a bit less of one.

Crunchymum · 15/02/2023 12:46

I think your thread title is misleading. Not sure what your boss being scared of you has to do with anything? And calling him out just sounds aggressive.

If your thread had been titled "AIBU to ask my boss why he won't close the door for our meetings?" I suspect the responses would have been very different.

And no you are not being unreasonable to ask him.

workinmums · 15/02/2023 12:50

Crunchymum · 15/02/2023 12:46

I think your thread title is misleading. Not sure what your boss being scared of you has to do with anything? And calling him out just sounds aggressive.

If your thread had been titled "AIBU to ask my boss why he won't close the door for our meetings?" I suspect the responses would have been very different.

And no you are not being unreasonable to ask him.

I agree. I think OP clarified that in her other posts but people aren't reading them.

UdoU · 15/02/2023 13:14

OrigamiOwls · 15/02/2023 10:19

OP: AIBU?
Everyone else: Yes!
OP - Drip feed, stamps foot: No I'm not!

OP is right, you are wrong.

Figmentof · 15/02/2023 13:27

UdoU · 15/02/2023 11:37

Because she doesn't want the whole office to see her cry?

Honestly, this is basic shit, how are people not getting it?

Show quote history

Eh? So she expects to cry in every meeting and needs the door shut just in case.

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/02/2023 13:35

He's the senior person so the confidentiality issue is his problem not yours. I would be glad to have the door open in this scenario.
Bringing this up and asking if he's scared of you is going to come across as very aggressive. You sound as though you're spoiling for a fight. Maybe you are justified in feeling that way but I don't see how any good can come of it.
I think you need to either move jobs, or let this one go otherwise the simmering resentment will eat you up

Liorae · 15/02/2023 13:36

thehorsehasnowbolted · 15/02/2023 09:26

How can a 'horrible bully' be afraid of you?

Because he suspects she wants the door closed for her own reasons, which are not professional.

MichelleScarn · 15/02/2023 14:43

Liorae · 15/02/2023 13:36

Because he suspects she wants the door closed for her own reasons, which are not professional.

Show quote history

Quite, especially if she's making it known she's having chats like this A very senior member of staff who knew about the November incident and was involved with the fallout, asked me later how it had all gone. I mentioned the door thing and Senior Person said ‘Oh you just have to cut through that kind of crap and get up and shut the door’. So I don’t think it is a management technique from HR. indicating a chatty relationship with a 'very senior member of staff'.

burnoutbabe · 15/02/2023 15:28

But an old door mean means nothing personal can be discussed? She can't mention any issues with other staff members or issues she may have. Or what pay rise % she may expect to receive.

Would be a very odd 1-2-1 to not be able to speak about matters you don't want whole office to hear. Pointless in fact.

OhwhyOY · 15/02/2023 15:49

@CaponeOnTax I would just politely ask him if it's bothering you. Something along the lines of 'I can't help noticing that for the last few weeks whenever we have an in-person meeting you leave the door open, which you didn't before. I just wondered why that is.' And then see what he says. He may not want to talk about it and just stop doing it, or he might tell you why. Either way, probably useful. I don't think there's enough info for us to work out why he's doing it or who is in the wrong. I'd go straight to the source. If you're polite I can't see any negative repercussions coming from it.

OhwhyOY · 15/02/2023 15:50

Sorry no idea why that's all in bold!

potniatheron · 15/02/2023 16:35

To be honest you seem bound and determined to interpret all of his actions in the worst possible light so it's difficult to express any opinion. I'm not sure why the door being shut or slightly open should bother you so much. Or why you think 'calling it out' would help your working life in any way. I'd focus on why you resent your boss so much. And if he continues to take up this much headspace, look at getting a new job maybe

AnuSTart · 15/02/2023 16:36

Why was he telling you off?
Most people do not cry at work ever.
I assume that he went to HR after your crying and they have instructed him to have an open door. This is to protect him.

People forget that HR exist to protect the company not the team. Though that is part of it. Bottom line they will protect the company and have an open door policy for you because you are a 'complaint' risk.

AnuSTart · 15/02/2023 16:38

Posted too soon , I work in HR and although I care very much about the people who work here, ultimately company and company policies need to be protected and staff who are obstructive, see slights and seek to 'call others out' or complain a lot are not exhausting unless it is by definition warranted (EDI). What you are saying here doesn't amount to bullying that I can tell and if it is speak to his manager or HR.

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/02/2023 16:41

I think you're reading into it. Are you looking for a problem with him?

It's got nothing to do with making women feel like "others". I'd much rather doors be open at work, why not? Unless the conversation is business sensitive, or particularly personal, the door absolutely should be open.

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