I think my boss is scared of me - should I call it out?

[CaponeOnTax]

My boss is very able and experienced but not a massive people person so we’re a small team. We’re each other’s key colleague. What’s bothering me is my boss seems to dread being in a room one-to-one with me. I don’t know if it is weird or AIBU to think it is weird or what.

Around November my boss took me into a meeting room to give me what he thought was a dressing down (closed door). It didn’t go well, I had plenty to say from my side and HR ended up involved. After that, any meetings he instigated were either with the door open or in weird places round the office without doors, so in open plan. A marked change from previous years of working together.

We’re both mainly WFH so it doesn’t come up much and I thought we’d got through it. But again today we had a meeting and he left the door open. The implication seems to be that I am too unpredictable/toxic/not sure what really? to be in a room with. I find it hurtful, unprofessional and odd but … should I say something?

YABU - he can leave the door open if that’s how he prefers it, everyone’s entitled to feel at ease
YANBU - weird and unprofessional, you need to be able to work in a meeting room in your company’s office with the door shut.

Maybe it's more 'if you hadn't cried and gotten HR involved'? Than 'if you were a man'.

He doesn't trust you now. I think you have to accept that. He is doing what HR has advised him to do I would think, in order to protect himself in future

OP, with due respect, your reactions seem too explosive and flamboyant to be suitable for the kind of environment you describe. These context requires people with nerves of steel, quite reserved and restrained. Or at least, if everything is chaotic, they have no problem taking the heat

How can the selection of an external consultant for a client end up in drama, someone crying and HR getting involved? I understand you cannot provide details but it's rather odd

It's clear you don't rate your boss, fair enough. But do you enjoy working in that industry at all?

What I find obnoxious is your willingness to hide behind ridiculous accusations while being guilty of the same arrogance and manipulation that you're implying your boss is responsible for. That and the irrational original question which was quickly changed into a different question that you are advising others about if they get it wrong and don't agree with you. I could just as easily ask you why on earth you bothered creating a misleading thread that you already thought you were well informed about. Women instructing other women that they're Just Don't Understand without working from a rational basis themselves is irritating to me... Disagreement stifled by empty rhetoric and superiority is more than irritating. You remind me of an unlikeable man. HTH

I used the word "manipulative" because of the above post. If you don't think that intentionally using the phrase "call him out" just to spark a reaction was manipulative, I'm interested to know what would you describe it as?

You were fully expecting "frothy replies" (i.e. confrontation) because of your "clickbaity" title - but your choice was words was down to you.

Also, think. If you were your boss and had all this debacle unravel infront of you, someone behaving exactly like you, would you close the door or not?

Maybe it's more 'if you hadn't cried and gotten HR involved'?

@Languagelanguage A glance at the voting and comments would suggest you're firmly in the minority..

I suspect most of the votes just reflect that people don't think she needs to ask her boss to close the door. That's where I stand, but voting for the 'YABU' option certainly does not mean we all agree with the nastiness and vitriol you (and others) have spewed at the OP.

Incidentally, the OP had since said that she's not going to raise it with him. So she's taken on board feedback from some of the more level responses.

I now know what to do next: keep the situation under review as I have done, and revert to Senior Person if it continues to happen over the next few weeks.

but you’ve literally already said that Senior Person has told you to just close the door

You need some gentle giant PA called Codor to assist 🤣

@Languagelanguage you are pouring aggro and bile on this thread and posting in a way that seems very much like you are angry and want to … dunno… do damage? Upset me?

You filled your post with strong words like ‘obnoxious’ ‘arrogant’ ‘unlikeable’ ‘HTH’. It’s like you don’t care about the meeting room door, you just want to vent unpleasantly.

That's interesting, it's never struck me as an aggressive phrase at all. Assertive, and critical, I'd agree with, but not aggressive.

Mind you, I've often thought that behaviour that would be regarded as assertive in a man is often regarded as aggressive when a woman does the same.

Tbf, in a casual context, I wouldn't view "call it out" as aggressive. But this is in a professional context, and I approach potential disagreements/confrontations differently at work.

I would happily tell a manager or colleague that I disagreed with their approach on something, but I wouldn't describe it as "calling it out". If I witnessed racism or sexism, I'd be raising it through appropriate channels, not "calling it out" like I might do in a pub with friends.

And in this particular scenario, the professional approach would simply be to close the door when needed. That's assertive enough and achieves the desired outcome.

OP, I've only read your posts, not any of the replies. From your recent updates it honestly sounds like there are some utter nutters on this thread. Your original posts and clarifications are perfectly clear and balanced. It sounds like a tricky situation and I can see why you are in two minds as to whether to explicitly tackle it or not.

Just coming back to the sexism on this thread. This post seeks to tell me my own job and the basis on which I am too fragile/unstable/unsuited to it - too much drama, perhaps I’d prefer a different industry.

I am perfect suited to my job, experienced and professional. I cried in the meeting because my DC had just been diagnosed with a life-limiting illness and on that unique occasion I had no resilience left for the normal tough discussions. It hasn’t happened before, won’t happen again. I was still able to stick up for myself though.

Thanks! Really appreciate this. And to the other lovely posters (I see you sisters!) who have agreed or disagreed with me with fairness.

I'm sorry about your DH.

But I'm not referring to the crying. You do come across as rather explosive (I struggle to look for a better word) A man can be explosive too, and I would also keep the door open if I had to manage him

The text book, fresh out of university feminism and clutching at misogyny to justify every event though does seem unprofessional I'm afraid. And I'm not saying it didn't happen to you, but it weakens your arguments as it's so trodden nowadays. Keep it in mind for the future

And I'm not saying it didn't happen to you, but it weakens your arguments as it's so trodden nowadays.

Yeah, you're right, misogyny is just so yawn, we really should just put up with it rather than risk boring anyone with it.

This

He’s doing it to protect himself and hopefully, you. It’s probably advice or instructions he received tom HR

I missed the “waterworks” comment. That’s just disgusting. It has a ‘women not being believed’ vibe

DC, not DH.

Not sure how - apart from prejudice - I could come across as explosive if not the crying? That meeting was unusual, I didn’t take it any further and I have taken no action since. I’ve been measured in my responses in this thread, while other posters such as you have been keen to question and demean my professionalism/suitability to my role.

I am not sure what about challenging misogyny is unprofessional. These phrases like ‘Keep it in mind for the future’ ‘fresh out of university feminism’ feel like they justify you as a two-steps-ahead feminist. But on this thread you’ve patronised me and hinted that I was unstable for having one - one - tearful meeting four months ago.

That’s why RTFT is a really good idea.

This.

I'm afraid you are manipulative whether you care to own it or not. Not everyone is going to smile and say how clever. It's not grown up. You will annoy people if that's how you choose to behave and it doesn't say anything good about what you're probably like in rl. That and the fact you're sure people disagreeing with you must be misogynistic or trying to hurt you. Maybe you're not right every time. Maybe you're too hell bent on controlling the power dynamic to consider the possibility that you're not always right. You're turning a tiny incident into clickbaity drama by your own admission. That's just silly.

Wow. This thread is so absurd.

If the standard in the company is closed doors, him leaving them specifically open is just strange and singling out. Letting random colleagus hear (work)sensitive discussion isn't protecting anyone, it is just wrong.

Phrase "calling out" might sound a bit dramatic, but "just asking" isn't better.
I'd tell him you noticed, you don't understand, but are willing to respect his approach. Given it clashes with professional need for confidentiality, should you two just conduct your meetings always over Teams (meaning each of you in your own meeting room if you are both in the office) going further?

-
In my job we have seethrough walls in meeting rooms, which probably helps. And of course we do close the door, otherwise the discussion in the meeting room would distract people working around.

Agreed 💯

I can't think anyone really wants to have their annual reviews in a quiet corner of the office canteen! Where anyone can overhear.

If he really think he shouldn't have private meetings with op, then he should not be her manager.

And the man who refuses all 1 on 1 meetings unless in a coffee shop, does he do that with clients? Refuse any meeting as the woman may accuse him of something? He'd be sacked in most companies / managed out. Or considered a very weird type who has no clients but maybe specialist knowledge who is humoured until he retires.

Thats illegal