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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 16/02/2023 18:21

What a big difference you have made to their current and future lives OP. Well done.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 16/02/2023 21:11

Well, the whole situation sounds a bit odd, and we maybe don't know the full story, but I'd probably still be inclined to help.

That said, this is the sort of thing you could imagine seeing on the news. Ex turns up drunk and stabs his wife and her friend's partner when he tries to intervene. Even a non fatal violent assault could still be serious - e.g. kicking door in and trying to drag wife/kid out house, attacking people.

It sounds far fetched but this is the kind of situation that often precedes such incidents. Jilted ex husband 'loses it' etc. I'm not saying don't help, just to keep your wits about you.

Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 16/02/2023 21:20

The police came out last night, they have also been out to speak to/see her DH as well. My DH also came back here to get some things but he didn’t stay, he was here for less than an hour and didn’t kick off or cause a scene in front of her luckily.

For the people that asked about how finances are set up between me and my DH. We both own the house to be fair to him. We have our salaries paid into our own accounts and transfer money to a joint account for bills and other joint expenses.

My DH has sent me 2 more threatening texts tonight. But he didn’t say anything like that when he was here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 16/02/2023 21:21

Bubblebubblebah · 15/02/2023 23:27

Is she the forst one you are "rescuing" (as pp explained well that that is issue) or is that more regular thing? Would explain the dh's reaction and rescuers keep rescuing lost souls all the time.
I know, I did.

I’ve never been in a situation like this before so yes it is a first for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 16/02/2023 21:22

I’m scared to admit that I don’t like for my DH for how dismissive he was about helping her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roarlikealiontonight · 16/02/2023 21:22

Also both myself and my colleague did make HR aware today.

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 16/02/2023 21:24

So night 3?
He saw it coming. Sorry

Christmaspyjamas · 16/02/2023 21:26

You're doing amazing.

You have sound judgement, courage, capability, tact.

You have done a powerful thing that involved huge sacrifice.

And ignored a mumsnet shitstorm.

I admire you, stranger. I won't forget you.

Christmaspyjamas · 16/02/2023 21:29

Bubblebubblebah · 16/02/2023 21:24

So night 3?
He saw it coming. Sorry

I wanted to take time out of my day to say I hate you and the way you want to spread your hate online.

Karma baby....

Bubblebubblebah · 16/02/2023 21:32

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Grizzledstrawberry · 16/02/2023 21:43

I honestly think your been really shitty on your husband, its his house too, the first night fair enough (although I agreeded with your DH for not wanting to get involved) but night 3 of him elsewhere because your insisting this woman stay when he's obviously so against it.

When will you tell her she needs to leave, how many more nights is acceptable to you?

PeanutButterSmoothie · 16/02/2023 21:45

Kinda shit if this has cost you your marriage though, OP. Hell of a price to pay for helping an acquaintance.

Granted, you've maybe seen a new side of him which you don't like, but he must've been OK before I'm assuming. Maybe something about it has just got to him. Perhaps he's seen similar situations go sour before.

Teaandtoast3 · 16/02/2023 21:47

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You’re conveniently forgetting that the OP has never been in this situation before. She’s not always “saving people” etc.

You’re also forgetting that he’s sent her several threatening messages today and a pretty shitty one yesterday too. No matter what’s going on that is NOT okay.

Teaandtoast3 · 16/02/2023 21:48

HE is choosing to stay away. The OP did not ask him to leave. She has not forced him to leave. He is not acting like a loving partner that gives a shit about his other half.

Bubblebubblebah · 16/02/2023 21:49

This reply has been deleted

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StarbucksSmarterSister · 16/02/2023 21:51

My DH has sent me 2 more threatening texts tonight.

Take care of yourself OP.

Teaandtoast3 · 16/02/2023 21:56

Yes @Bubblebubblebah you and the other 8% of 1574 people. Thankfully in the
minority. If you are so sure that someone is amiss why don’t you just report the thread?

WombatsAndGumTrees · 16/02/2023 22:00

I have had women and children stay at my house before, just to make it clear that I'm not the turn people away if I can help type (but I do have good boundaries around that help).

I'm not sure your marriage can recover from this, OP. Your DH will never forget the time you showed him where he ranked with you and what his wishes rate.

What reason has your DH given for being so very opposed to this scenario? Those reasons are missing and are what make me think there's a lot more to this from his side.

Bubblebubblebah · 16/02/2023 22:04

Teaandtoast3 · 16/02/2023 21:56

Yes @Bubblebubblebah you and the other 8% of 1574 people. Thankfully in the
minority. If you are so sure that someone is amiss why don’t you just report the thread?

"mn I think op is witholding some crucial info". Sure🙄

I've been there, I housed friend who was beaten by her husband. Do you know what she came with? What she wore and bruises.
Would I do it again? No. Because of what I wrote previously. Would I ignore DH completly and made him so uncomfortable he would have to leave home? Also no. Especially for multiple nights.
Would I help call women's aid and literally any organisation which is design to help incl police? Yes.

No one also knows what the "threatening messages" are. Another "she better be gone tomorrow" with added"or I won't come back"?

Stravaig · 16/02/2023 22:04

Roarlikealiontonight · 16/02/2023 21:22

I’m scared to admit that I don’t like for my DH for how dismissive he was about helping her.

also My DH has sent me 2 more threatening texts tonight. But he didn’t say anything like that when he was here.

These two posts make me think your own relationship is not a very healthy one, and that your DH hates you helping your friend because he would not want anyone helping you to leave him. Are you going to be safe with him, OP? Are you helping your friend in part because instinct whispers that you might need help too?

SheilaWilcox · 16/02/2023 22:05

I think your DH was out of order for not letting her in when she first turned up. Maybe even letting her stay the first night. His reaction is extreme though. Does he have any history with this woman or her partner?
Now it's on day 3, this woman needs to be taking the hint that you are risking your marriage and she needs to make other arrangements. You and your husbands have things to work through, or split up over and none of you need the added drama of her being caught up in that too.

MadeForThis · 16/02/2023 22:13

Has anyone accused your DH of domestic violence before? He's having a very extreme reaction.

ConcordeOoter · 16/02/2023 22:25

Your DH will never forget the time you showed him where he ranked with you and what his wishes rate.

Yeah. I think probably OP that DH hates that you have done this because he would never have done the same to you.

I take the "can't have been worried about safety if he left" with a pinch of salt because a man cannot just whisk his stepchild off like that and we all know it.

I hope that you either sort it out together, or can both get out of each other's hair without too much drama, anger, tears. Whatever is really going on.

PeanutButterSmoothie · 16/02/2023 22:36

Out of curiosity, would you have let a female work acquaintance of your husband's stay, OP? One who you've never met.

eyope · 17/02/2023 00:15

Roarlikealiontonight · 16/02/2023 21:22

I’m scared to admit that I don’t like for my DH for how dismissive he was about helping her.

But what is he saying about why he doesn't want to help her?? You had a whole discussion on it while she was in the coffee shop.... he must have given reasons. That obv can help people decide if he's being unreasonable or not - rather than us guessing as to his reasons.