To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

[Roarlikealiontonight]

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

My DH has sent me 2 more threatening texts tonight

I am so sorry OP. Thats not good news.

OP is deliberately dodging that question.

Yes, take care of yourself.
You’re being an amazing friend.

Thank you for showing your colleague and her little girl that there’s no shame in their situation, that it’s ok to need help, and that community is more than just a concept.

I hope you ditch thst useless husband.

People don’t always behave logically, or according to some textbook, in a crisis. I don’t see what this woman did, or the OP did, as particularly unusual. Unlike the very clever MN super sleuths, I do not automatically see this as ‘not adding up’.

People are unpredictable, especially when under pressure. Who know what the exact reasons are why this woman approached the OP, or why she sent her kids to school. I am not sure the exact details matter. And the OP did not feel she could turn the colleague away, and was disappointed at her husband’s seemingly uncaring response. Who knows what his background and concerns really are, either.

I hope this woman gets to safety and then the OP and husband can talk. Unlike many here, I can’t get worked up about this being a made-up scenario though. People do strange stuff.

We also don't know why the DO is acting the way he is, do we?

three threatening messages is not acceptable op. this alone is not on.regardless of the other stuff.
also the dh hasnt come into to discuss this.he hasnt had an open conversation or told op how its making him feel. he has shinned this situation from the very start.he has been hostile and yes actually abisive himdelf from the start. with veiled threats and his attitude id not want him back.
he could have.should have come back today.to talk.

and has op giving this woman a week.or a month on the coach mean she is letting her move in.ffks setting things up take longer than 24 hours. especially at the moment. she isnt being walked over she is being kind to a woman fleeing for her safety. and the op showing her this care means she is safe for thart bit longer and aready has a head start more than most of keeping her freedom from violance.

it take time to sort out new accomadation.
people putting up others in times of need doesnt need a timeline if both parties are ok with it. op could choose to give her the spare rooom and still NOONE would be taking the piss. its just kindness.thank goodness it happens. becasue so often it doesnt and we lose womans lives because of it

Why is your DH so against you giving this vulnerable lady a bit of support that he's moved out himself? That sounds insane!

You are mistaken.

If any woman in fear of DV goes to a Police Station they will inform Social Services and temporary emergency accommodation will be arranged.
I know this because Social Services have a register of guest houses in my area whose owners provide this type of support.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_domestic_abuse

If your colleague has somewhere to stay the Police aren't going to rush around to see her because, to them, she isn't a priority.

That's why I said she should have gone to the Police Station straight away.

Your husbands behaviour is slightly terrifying. I can understand not wanting them to stay long term but not wanting to help even for a few days whilst they get themselves sorted is awful.
Yes it's probably inconvenient but for her to walk away and come and ask for help will be one of the hardest things she's done.

Sorry who is DO?

Are they threatening though?
A written text has no tone.

I’ve just had this text now from my DH: “she better be gone by tomorrow because I’m coming back in the afternoon”.

Above is the first threatening text OP's DH sent... that could have been SENT as a statement but READ/TAKEN by OP as a threat.

OP... Has anything been resolved now that the police have been and spoken to both colleague and her DH?

Will you colleague now be staying with you indefinitely?

Hopefully you don't feel you're being taken advantage of and can't see a way out.

This reminds me of a predicament I was in many years ago. I revealed to my sister that my husband had been physically assaulting me. It took a lot to disclose this because paradoxically I was so ashamed. I asked her if I could stay with her for a couple of nights just to get away for a bit. She told me that I couldn’t stay. I will never forget how empty and alone I felt - like the lowest of the low and that I mustn’t ever confide in anyone else or ask for help ever again.

people - even sisters who are close (or at least I thought we were) - are so different in their response to things. If the roles had been reversed there is no way that I would have turned my sister away. I would have been worried sick about what she was going back into. I still feel that today - despite what she did to me.

@Lululeman I'm so sorry your sister did that to you I can imagine it's heartbreaking and soul destroying.
The amount of people on here saying they'd turn that poor woman and her child away astonishes me. I'd hate to think of turn anyone away, and never I'm a million years do it to my sister.

I hope you're in a better place now 💐
Do you still have a relationship with your sister? If it was me I don't think I would.

It’s Friday today….. walk into the local council office TODAY with her, her child and bags explain she is a victim of domestic abuse and is homeless, she can not go home due to safety, tell them police have been made aware…. Be clear she can not stay another night at yours and has no where else….. the council has a legal obligation to give her emergency accommodation…. That’s likely to be a B&B and she will need to cover the cost and apply for help (so she needs an appointment with citizens advice asap too!)..
You also need to text your husband and say you needed to help her for your own conscience but are sad it’s upset him so much. What were his threats??? Maybe you need to go to his mums and sort this with someone else there?? Are you safe with him or will he now just sulk for weeks ?
PLEASE get yourself and your friend to the council office today! Don’t leave it till Monday….. this should’ve been done the other day instead of her going into work!

What are the threats?

Because there's a difference between 'she best be gone because I'm coming home' and 'she best be gone, or else ill be angry/violent etc.

The first is demanding, not threatening, there is a big difference.

@TaraMock we do still have a relationship! As I wrote that post memories of it ( and many other incidents) made me question why. When you are abused you can think that it’s all your fault, that the way people treat you is all down to you and that you deserved it. You blame yourself and make excuses for them. In other words you totally lose faith in yourself. It is so crap to admit that but in my case it is true.

As I get older I feel that I have gained in self esteem (and I have in many ways) but then something will happen to make me realise that I am still far from loving myself, which means I am easily taken advantage of. The only good thing is that I now recognise this and try to protect myself.

@Roarlikealiontonight

Once the lady has gone I'd sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Maybe start on the basis of asking why he's had such a strong reaction to the situation in an open way, and see what he says, before then telling him how you feel. I have to say, I wouldn't just be worried about his response to your colleague but also the way he has behaved with you. This level of aggression feels very out of place for something so minor. There must be some kind of underlying issue in his mind. But my general advice would be, if you don't feel you can be honest with him (or with yourself about how this incident has shaken your faith in him) that's not a good sign for how strong you feel the relationship is.

Yes the ball needs to be rolling as soon as possible. She needs access to professional help, safety from DV and the sooner things can start to look up.

It is far from kind to allow the current situation to go on she isn't safe, isn't independent and frankly her situation isn't stable, living on the whim of someone's good graces, squarely on the spot in the middle of someone else's marriage - Frankly it doesn't sound like she needs such extra stress worry and drama, nor such a potentially volatile living situation. She needs to be helped by people whose job it is.

I would help a colleague in this situation but not for multiple nights, it's now going to be night three and there's no change in the situation, I wouldn't want someone staying in my house and going to work etc whilst not contacting the council etc.

I can kind of see why the husband is staying elsewhere, it's not his circus and his wife has essentially told him that she doesn't care for his opinion.

Op is now being caught in the middle. She generously allowed her work colleague to stay. However, the situation hasn’t moved forwards. If op says she can’t stay any longer, then op begins to look like the bad guy, whilst in essence, the colleague isn’t taking any responsibility for her own actions. If she can’t help from the council, then she needs to contact a woman’s refuge etc.

It's either working out and moving forward or stop and nothing happening, we can only assume as op hasn't been back.
Considering everything that has been said and advised it would be interesting to have an update.

I am appalled that so many people here are defending your husband who sounds like a psychopath! What kind of person would not even let an abuse victim walking into their home? WTF?! It’s utterly nutty behaviour.

All the people saying they wouldn’t let “strangers” into their home - she’s a vulnerable woman with a child FFS! You lot are so weird.