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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is in the wrong and is being insensitive

587 replies

Roarlikealiontonight · 14/02/2023 21:10

Work colleague (we are friends but admittedly no where near close friends) turned up at my house around 30 minutes ago. ago crying with her daughter. She had her bags and stuff in her car. She was asking if she could stay the night as her husband has kicked her out after she said she didn't feel safe with him anymore, I probably should have asked more about what happened to make her not feel safe. She asked if she can sleep at ours for the night. Before I could even say anything DH jumped in and said no. I would probably have said yes as we have enough room. I told her I’d speak to DH and gave her some money to get a coffee with in the meantime, I told her to text me with what coffee shop she’s in and then once I’m dressed and once I’ve spoken to DH I’ll come and get a coffee with her and check she’s ok. She’s now texted me with what coffee shop she’s in but my DH is telling me not to go as I apparently “shouldn’t get involved”. There’s no way he’ll let her sleep here tonight if he doesn’t even want me to go to a coffee shop with her and check she’s ok. What do I do? Aibu to think DH is in the wrong here and is being insensitive to her?

OP posts:
Mainlinethehappy · 16/02/2023 08:02

rainbowstardrops · 16/02/2023 07:05

This all sounds very odd. Why did your colleague choose your door to knock on instead of a closer colleague and why has your DH reacted so adversely to it?
Are they connected do you think?

This, exactly. Or is there something between the OP and the woman?

WombatsAndGumTrees · 16/02/2023 08:14

I also find it strange that the woman is happy to stay another night knowing that the DH is completely against it and it's interfering with OP's marriage. I think there's more to this story that has caused such a strong and uncommon reaction in the husband.

L1ttledrummergirl · 16/02/2023 08:27

To all those saying its strange, I really hope you are never in the position of having your whole world turned upside down, going to a friend/ colleague for help only to be turned away.

It's likely to take a few days for everything to sink in, she's probably running on adrenaline and instinct and keeping hold of anything good in her life to keep from breaking. The op is a compassionate human being who is allowing this process to happen in a safe environment. Her dh on the other hand has been awful.

Grizzledstrawberry · 16/02/2023 08:59

StarbucksSmarterSister · 16/02/2023 01:14

if a woman posted that her husband has forcibly let a unknown male sleep on the sofa without her consent and with a child in the house it would be a different story.

It would be a totally different situation.

Why, Because only men can be dangerous?

How about the chances of her husband finding her and ending up on the doorstep causing a scene? As much as I would like to help someone my children come first, I wouldn't want their safe space invaded my someone else's drama.

Also, who would be expected to deal with the abusive husband if he turned up on the doorstep, it would be OPs husband.

Thats not to say I wouldn't help her, but I'd direct her to social services/council/police were trained professionals could help her, or help fund a hotel for the night, away from my home and family, where she's likely to be safer and harder to track down too.

saddilema · 16/02/2023 09:03

Different scenario but when my ex husband told me of his affair and that he was leaving me, early one morning I also contacted a work colleague.
Somehow contacting family or close friends felt shaming so someone I worked with (and not as close to) was 'safer' and I was able to pour my feelings out.
So I can understand why the abused woman chose a co worker to flee to.

stripedsox · 16/02/2023 09:21

I'm among the suspicious ones, something is not sitting right with any of this. I want to be proved wrong.

Pirateships · 16/02/2023 09:23

I don't think it's that wild of a man to be hesitant to share their home with a vulnerable woman and a young child to be honest. Now of course I'm not suggesting there is anything to indicate that either would accuse him of anything, nor am I implying that women and girls routinely do- but if I was a man I'd be looking to protect myself.

LadyKenya · 16/02/2023 09:35

stripedsox · 16/02/2023 09:21

I'm among the suspicious ones, something is not sitting right with any of this. I want to be proved wrong.

Same.

butterfliedtwo · 16/02/2023 10:06

LadyKenya · 16/02/2023 09:35

Same.

Show quote history

Yep.

Wimpeyspread · 16/02/2023 10:06

L1ttledrummergirl · 16/02/2023 08:27

To all those saying its strange, I really hope you are never in the position of having your whole world turned upside down, going to a friend/ colleague for help only to be turned away.

It's likely to take a few days for everything to sink in, she's probably running on adrenaline and instinct and keeping hold of anything good in her life to keep from breaking. The op is a compassionate human being who is allowing this process to happen in a safe environment. Her dh on the other hand has been awful.

This! I’m amazed at all these pp who would not help a woman in desperate circumstances, I despair of the human race. I imagine you are all also opposed to helping refugees? Of course you are.

Bubblebubblebah · 16/02/2023 10:10

Wimpeyspread · 16/02/2023 10:06

This! I’m amazed at all these pp who would not help a woman in desperate circumstances, I despair of the human race. I imagine you are all also opposed to helping refugees? Of course you are.

Show quote history

Most people said they would offer other help.
Letting someone stay in their house is not the only possible helping.

I always wonder what all these people using regugees to try to score points actually did for them... Hm

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 16/02/2023 10:30

This thread has blown my mind. The OPs DH wouldn't even allow the friend and child into the house for a cup of tea and to explain the situation so yes I would judge my DH for that. I absolutely would reconsider the relationship as this doesn't align with my core values and it is pretty heartless to see a distressed woman and her child and not even show a shred of empathy.

I suppose I can see where DH would be coming from about not staying if it was a safety concern but it obviously wasn't as he left 2 women and 2 children on their own to fend for themselves.

All the pp's talking about options in a western world, there are slim to no options for a woman feeling DV in the middle of the night. Refuges are on their knees and councils aren't going to do anything at 9pm are they?

OP you have done a wonderful thing.

eyope · 16/02/2023 10:58

Given OP has not once provided WHY her DH refused to let them in (despite a few questions asking it) and then spent a whole day and night not calling police - something is odd.

Also both the woman and OP sent their children to school the next day, knowing a violent/abusive ex is on the scene, without informing the school, police, HR or a welfare group. This is so unsafe. Ex could have picked the kids up and held them hostage till the woman returned, including kidnapping or intimidating OP's kids. There's also zero corroboration or evidence at this point of what exactly happened at home - since no police are investigating and OP hasn't seen the situation herself or knows the woman well enough.

As for DH not staying at home, tbh - given no police or external involvement or support - not sure it's a good idea for him to be around a highly emotional/distressed stranger woman and her underage female child for an unspecified number of nights. She is a stranger to DH and their family as even OP doesn't know her that well. Not saying this is why DH has left but I would probably not want my DH (or kids) to be around this mess until police were called/it was resolved. In fact DH should have taken the kids with him to his parents until all the adults knew it was safe. So I do think DH was being unreasonable here. The ex could accuse Op or her DH of all sorts under their roof.

The real way to help someone isn't to just give them shelter but also get the right support immediately. Otherwise it's just putting a whole bunch of other people at risk and feels like a personal rescue mission.

T1Dmama · 16/02/2023 12:19

I’m not actually against the fact he didn’t want to help… we don’t know his reasons after all…. However him stoning out and not messaging till yesterday and then only to say ‘she better be gone’…… what an arse hole!

his behaviour towards you is abusive, maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to help an abuse victim…. How long have you been married??

LadyKenya · 16/02/2023 13:39

eyope · 16/02/2023 10:58

Given OP has not once provided WHY her DH refused to let them in (despite a few questions asking it) and then spent a whole day and night not calling police - something is odd.

Also both the woman and OP sent their children to school the next day, knowing a violent/abusive ex is on the scene, without informing the school, police, HR or a welfare group. This is so unsafe. Ex could have picked the kids up and held them hostage till the woman returned, including kidnapping or intimidating OP's kids. There's also zero corroboration or evidence at this point of what exactly happened at home - since no police are investigating and OP hasn't seen the situation herself or knows the woman well enough.

As for DH not staying at home, tbh - given no police or external involvement or support - not sure it's a good idea for him to be around a highly emotional/distressed stranger woman and her underage female child for an unspecified number of nights. She is a stranger to DH and their family as even OP doesn't know her that well. Not saying this is why DH has left but I would probably not want my DH (or kids) to be around this mess until police were called/it was resolved. In fact DH should have taken the kids with him to his parents until all the adults knew it was safe. So I do think DH was being unreasonable here. The ex could accuse Op or her DH of all sorts under their roof.

The real way to help someone isn't to just give them shelter but also get the right support immediately. Otherwise it's just putting a whole bunch of other people at risk and feels like a personal rescue mission.

Spot on.

Cocobutt · 16/02/2023 13:42

Does DH have any connection to this woman, her child or her husband?

It’s one thing to not want to have someone staying with you for whatever reason.

It’s an entirely different thing to refuse to be in the house when she is there.

MisschiefMaker · 16/02/2023 14:13

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 16/02/2023 10:30

This thread has blown my mind. The OPs DH wouldn't even allow the friend and child into the house for a cup of tea and to explain the situation so yes I would judge my DH for that. I absolutely would reconsider the relationship as this doesn't align with my core values and it is pretty heartless to see a distressed woman and her child and not even show a shred of empathy.

I suppose I can see where DH would be coming from about not staying if it was a safety concern but it obviously wasn't as he left 2 women and 2 children on their own to fend for themselves.

All the pp's talking about options in a western world, there are slim to no options for a woman feeling DV in the middle of the night. Refuges are on their knees and councils aren't going to do anything at 9pm are they?

OP you have done a wonderful thing.

Well said.

I would be really gutted if my DH behaved like that.

rockpoolingtogether · 16/02/2023 15:08

I'd be upset that my DH didn't want to help. Integrity and kindness is everything to me.

Teaandtoast3 · 16/02/2023 15:22

If he’s come home then I hope you are okay OP and it hasn’t escalated because I didn’t like the sound or tone of his text at all.

T1Dmama · 16/02/2023 15:31

I am a little miffed by your friend having read all the updates ….
Her and her daughter are homeless…. Your husband has made it very clear she’s not welcome……
YET rather than stay home yesterday and prioritise finding emergency accommodation and sorting herself out she chose to go to work?!? And stay at yours another night……
What she should’ve done as soon as she was thrown out was call the police, state that she was a victim of DA and needed emergency accommodation for herself and her 12 yr old… they’d have found her somewhere and made her safe. She should’ve then spent yesterday sorting out getting all her things and applying for benefits.
her delay in doing this and going into work instead has further put you out.

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 15:46

Teaandtoast3 · 16/02/2023 15:22

If he’s come home then I hope you are okay OP and it hasn’t escalated because I didn’t like the sound or tone of his text at all.

Drama.....

He has come home to his own house, which he is entitled to do.

He doesn't have to entertain unwanted guests.

Christ usually MN won't even answer the door, let alone let anyone in.

MySugarBabyLove · 16/02/2023 16:19

The more I read of this thread the more I agree with the DH.

As a pp said above, the woman rocked up, bags packed, on the OP’s doorstep, no explanation, just asked to stay the night when they’re not really even friends.

She’s clearly not worried for her safety as she’s gone to work and sent the dd to school, and she’s still staying at the OP’s house.

I suspect the DH has put his foot down because the OP is generally a soft touch who never questions anything and is incapable of saying no.

And this woman knows this. There is absolutely no way on earth that this woman figured that someone she only knows vaguely from the office was the only person she could turn to and could just rock up on her doorstep and expect to stay the night.

If I was DH I’d want her gone as well, because I suspect there’s more to this and she’s not above board.

Teaandtoast3 · 16/02/2023 16:20

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 15:46

Drama.....

He has come home to his own house, which he is entitled to do.

He doesn't have to entertain unwanted guests.

Christ usually MN won't even answer the door, let alone let anyone in.

Show quote history

You would be happy to receive that text from your other half would you?

IndiaDreamer · 16/02/2023 17:56

@Teaandtoast3 I'd appreciate my DH had the right to return to his home, without wanting uninvited guests.

OhwhyOY · 16/02/2023 18:20

Roarlikealiontonight · 15/02/2023 21:41

Meant to say: but clearly he’s not

@Roarlikealiontonight I know you've been preoccupied but maybe worth ringing your DH to handle him as if the lady and her child are still there when he comes home and he kicks off it will potentially trigger them again and be horrible for you. You've all got enough on your plate. Just to say whatever he says, and whatever the naysayers have said on here, you've absolutely done the right thing and helped some vulnerable people in need. Those on here saying they'd turn them away, hope you've thought about how you'd feel if this was your daughter who'd been assaulted and was terrified with nowhere to go, with a child in tow.

Hopefully when the police come they will have advice on where your colleague and her daughter can stay to keep them safe.