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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friendship ultimatum over Harry Potter

275 replies

BackToHogwarts · 14/02/2023 14:42

I want to start by saying that I suffer from anxiety after death of a parent and a MC so don't watch news, read newspapers, am not on social media other than Marketplace etc. This was an order from my counsellor at the time as any article about death, illness, nuclear war doomsday etc would send me into a tailspin so my general knowledge of what's going on in the world is limited at best.

Anyway 6 years ago I met a friend of mine at a gaming convention meet up. We bonded over our love for anime, games and all things nerdy and struck up a friendship.

He's a very gifted artist and when he moved further away to pursue this we still kept in touch. He told me he was saving for top surgery so I promoted his shop to everyone I knew to try and help. He has since achieved this and is much happier in himself. I had 2 DCs over the years so my gaming has gone down to maybe 2h after bedtime if I'm not too tired and is something I enjoy very much and is my happy place. Despite this we still played together when we could and debated and recommended games and shows to one another etc.

Fast forward to a few days ago, I mentioned I'm eager to try the new Hogwarts Legacy game as Harry Potter was a big part of my childhood and I would love to go back to Hogwarts, when his entire tone changed.

Suddenly I got called a racist, antisemitic neo-nazi terf (?) who he will never talk to again if I so much as try to play that game. .........WTAF? I thought he was joking at first as we used to talk about Harry Potter but he said that was before he knew better and has since gotten rid of the books and movies and I should do the same if I want to stay his friend. I asked is he seriously going to end our friendship over a game and he said "Are YOU?"

I spent a few days in total shock then yesterday got a message from him which was a screen shot of a Facebook post containing a major game spoiler and the words "if you have a problem with this the block button is right there".

I told my DH about this and he explained the problem the trans community have with JK Rowling.

I am still reeling from this and don't know what to do. On one hand I'm angry as it's my life, my choice and it don't make me a horrible person. On the other hand I feel hurt that he would end our friendship if I don't do exactly as he says and has deliberately spoiled the game. Since when are friendships conditional?

As we are friends on PS he can see what I'm playing.

Any advice?

OP posts:

REP22 · 14/02/2023 15:34

I'm sorry for your MC and bereavement, and for the way your "friend" has treated you. Like you, I found immense joy and some comfort in the Harry Potter world during some hard times in my life. I don't think your "friend" has a healthy or balanced view of the issues in play here. As others have said, he sounds quite controlling and unpleasant and with an imbalanced view.

Not only over the JKR stuff - but to sling terms such as racist, antisemitic and neo-nazi (the worst of all in my view - my late grampy was a frontline WWII medic who was with the unit that liberated Bergen-Belsen) at you as well is deeply troubling. As others have said, I would block him. Mourn the friendship - or rather, the friendship you thought you had with him - and move on as best you can. He doesn't sound like a person who brings much joy into others' lives. I'm sure that there are other gaming and online HP communities out there with whom you can share a friendly "mischief managed" without being subjected to cruel bullying and insults.

Best wishes to you. x

PlantyPall · 14/02/2023 15:36

PamDoovesHat · 14/02/2023 15:30

Hmm, not sure this is person is posting in good faith. Looking for screenshots maybe?

Yep! They won't be back.

LakeTiticaca · 14/02/2023 15:36

Get rid. JKR is not and never was anti trans. She is pro the protection of women's and girls rights

ashitghost · 14/02/2023 15:36

Block this person and move on.

Hellybelly84 · 14/02/2023 15:37

Get rid of this horrible person out of your life…hit that block button as wuick as you can. Do you want your decisions controlled by another person?

JK Rowling is one of the few celebs willing to properly stand up for Women’s Rights. I agree with everything she is fighting for (as do probably most of the population!).

Knoblauch · 14/02/2023 15:40

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 14/02/2023 15:02

If this is real you must have had your head in a cave.

Maybe think a little about the issues affecting your friends instead of being so self centred.

Self centred? Oh the irony!

Hellybelly84 · 14/02/2023 15:43

Fluorescentwater · 14/02/2023 15:26

I fully support trans rights and have chosen not to play Hogwarts legacy because of this, and I think his behaviour is disgusting and completely out of order. It’s understandable that he’s passionate about the issue, but there’s a huge difference between passionate and overzealous and he’s crossed that line. I’m sorry that you’ve lost a good friend OP, but he’s the one ending it because he’s chosen his hatred of one stranger over his friendship with you.

I fully support Women’s Rights being protected and not eroded away because no one’s brave enough to stand up for them.

Thank god for JK Rowling.

Partyandbullshit · 14/02/2023 15:43

He's allowed his (idiotic) opinion, and you're allowed yours. If he feels so strongly about his opinion that he wants to only be friends with people who share it, that's his call - and your loss. It feels a bit like a bereavement when you lose someone like this.

That said, imho, don't write this friend off completely. This whole trans thing can sometimes (not always) be like a cult. It's an entire belief system that goes along with personal issues around identity. Sometimes people emerge the other side, shell shocked and confused and very much in need of friends. Cults appeal to people who have an emotional or psychological gap that needs filling. I'm not saying every person who transitions falls into this category, but some do. If he's that good a friend to you, just distance yourself, grieve and give him space. You never know what might happen.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2023 15:44

PlantyPall · 14/02/2023 15:36

Yep! They won't be back.

Show quote history

No doubt.

So depressing.

OopsAnotherOne · 14/02/2023 15:44

My BF accidentally got sucked into this narrative. I mentioned buying the new HP game this weekend just gone and he said "there's been a load of controversy about that because of JKR hasn't there?" I asked what he'd heard, he replied that "JKR has been transphobic online hasn't she?". I asked what he'd seen her say/write that was transphobic, and he said he didn't know, only that he'd heard she'd said something bad. I then asked him to find it. He tried and tried. He couldn't find anything. I then pointed out how easily he'd been led to believe something that wasn't true which he found very disconcerting.

Hellybelly84 · 14/02/2023 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

In your opinion…do we have to agree with that? Are we allowed to think differently?

FOJN · 14/02/2023 15:46

suggestionsplease1 · 14/02/2023 15:16

I used to have some respect for JKR's opinions on the trans issue but her repeated snide and sneery comments appear to betray her complete contempt for others who do not share her views and I have lost respect for her as a result.

That said it wouldn't stop me playing a game I wanted to, and the friend's approach here (if this scenario actually played out this way, there seem to be a few questionable posts at the moment on mumsnet) sounds abhorrent.

That's right ladies, you should play nice even when politicians call you rights hoarding dinosaurs, or tell you your concerns about rapists in womens prisons are without merit (oops) or dismiss your concerns about fairness and safety in sport or accuse you of genocide (FFS) when you say maybe we should take a more considered approach to gender affirmation in children and even when activists threaten to rape you, kill you or choke you on girl dick!

Be kind can fuck right off.

Your friend is a bullying, toxic arsehole, block and move on.

This is the global reality of what JKR is talking about.

www.womenarehuman.com/

GrazingSheep · 14/02/2023 15:46

How did you find your way to MN?
If you’re still on the thread that is …

icefishing · 14/02/2023 15:47

There is more than one view on JKR in our house.
Heated debates have been had in the past.
No one is calling anyone rude names or banning the purchasing of any HP related however.
Your friend is entitled to their views but not to bully you in accepting them.

scratchedbymycat · 14/02/2023 15:48

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2023 15:28

"Suddenly I got called a racist, antisemitic neo-nazi terf (?) who he will never talk to again if I so much as try to play that game. .........WTAF?"

So they've known you for six years, but all of a sudden you're a "racist, antisemitic neo-nazi terf"? Well, what were they thinking? How did they never notice this about you until now? Oh, that's right - because it's a load of codswallop! You are none of those things.

The idea is that by calling you all these horrible names, you react by being horrified that anyone could think that of you; so you apologise profusely, feel embarrassed/ashamed, tug your forelock and meekly follow their demands and be a good little girl who does as she's told. Bollocks to that.

Step away. Block and ignore. Because if you knuckle under to this shite I can guarantee that more demands will come your way, and your anxiety will rocket. They are no friend to you now, not any more.

This.

If your friend knows you, they should know that you aren't any of these things. I wouldn't let someone accuse me of horrible things like that and get away with it.

As for JKR, so many people think they know what she, is, what her views are, and how evil she is. Usually they only know what other people have told them, and they've hopped on the bandwagon thinking they're being decent and kind by agreeing with the views.

The reality is she has said and done nothing wrong or unkind. She is not transphobic. It's all total gaslighting bullshit. Read what she actually says for yourself and make your own mind up.

bringincrazyback · 14/02/2023 15:50

He's a dick. I don't often advocate blocking, but in this instance the block button is your friend OP.

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 15:51

You are a grown adult with 2 kids.

You do not get told what to do my anyone.

I have lots of friends who won’t watch Harry Potter because of religious Id other reasons.
There are many MNers who who feel the same.

A true friend would be fine with you having your own choices.

In my friendship groups we have all different religions, sexualities, some married, some single parents, some have children by adoption or surrogacy, some don’t want kids, some meat eaters, some halal eaters, some vegans etc.

We may not all agree with each other’s choices but we all respect them.

Tell your friend that you like HP and will be getting the game.
Do not apologise or explain why HO is important to you as there’s no need.
He can then decide if he wants to stay friends or not.

Partyandbullshit · 14/02/2023 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You're right. I personally didn't read closely enough, only focused on the friendship issue and assumed gaming = male (many shades of bad - sorry!). Don't pay any attention to the trans stuff, it's mostly bollocks (ha).

Mira28 · 14/02/2023 15:58

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 14/02/2023 15:02

If this is real you must have had your head in a cave.

Maybe think a little about the issues affecting your friends instead of being so self centred.

What are the issues affecting OPs friend exactly?

WinterFoxes · 14/02/2023 16:04

He's trying to bully and control you. Is that what friends do?

He has used one innocent comment from you as an excuse to unleash a torrent of abuse and threats at you. Is that what friends do?

Does he respect you enough to engage in a reasoned discussion about why he loathes JKR?

Block the tosser. Anyone who thinks JKR is a transphobic neo Nazi is an absolute nutter. She is neither of those.

Knoblauch · 14/02/2023 16:07

@Hellybelly84 the OP's ex friend being a female is a biological fact. Not an opinion. That is their sex. It is the sex they were born and is the only sex they can be medically identified as using their DNA. Therefore their body is that if a biological female. If the friend now wants to identify as a woman, which is a gender not a sex, they're welcome to go ahead. But biological sex, is not and never can be, just an opinion.

Zodfa · 14/02/2023 16:07

I don't suppose he likes Star Wars, does he? Plenty of the alien species there are based much more heavily on racist tropes than the goblins are and yet oddly George Lucas hasn't been cancelled ...

And anime (and I say this an anime fan) is packed with problematic stuff, but presumably that doesn't bother him for some reason?

Botw1 · 14/02/2023 16:16

The thing is, lots of people genuinely believe that anything except complete acceptance of Twaw and anything except complete support of all TRA demands is transphobic

Even standing up for women's rights is now seen in some places as transphobic.

So by that warped logic JKR is transphobic

Naunet · 14/02/2023 16:20

He’s a misogynistic little prick who thinks men get to decided who and what women are. He has no skin in the game, but is trying to shut you down from stepping out of line. Tell him to fuck off and go suck a girl dick.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 14/02/2023 16:22