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Original poster

Friendship ultimatum over Harry Potter

275 replies

BackToHogwarts · 14/02/2023 14:42

I want to start by saying that I suffer from anxiety after death of a parent and a MC so don't watch news, read newspapers, am not on social media other than Marketplace etc. This was an order from my counsellor at the time as any article about death, illness, nuclear war doomsday etc would send me into a tailspin so my general knowledge of what's going on in the world is limited at best.

Anyway 6 years ago I met a friend of mine at a gaming convention meet up. We bonded over our love for anime, games and all things nerdy and struck up a friendship.

He's a very gifted artist and when he moved further away to pursue this we still kept in touch. He told me he was saving for top surgery so I promoted his shop to everyone I knew to try and help. He has since achieved this and is much happier in himself. I had 2 DCs over the years so my gaming has gone down to maybe 2h after bedtime if I'm not too tired and is something I enjoy very much and is my happy place. Despite this we still played together when we could and debated and recommended games and shows to one another etc.

Fast forward to a few days ago, I mentioned I'm eager to try the new Hogwarts Legacy game as Harry Potter was a big part of my childhood and I would love to go back to Hogwarts, when his entire tone changed.

Suddenly I got called a racist, antisemitic neo-nazi terf (?) who he will never talk to again if I so much as try to play that game. .........WTAF? I thought he was joking at first as we used to talk about Harry Potter but he said that was before he knew better and has since gotten rid of the books and movies and I should do the same if I want to stay his friend. I asked is he seriously going to end our friendship over a game and he said "Are YOU?"

I spent a few days in total shock then yesterday got a message from him which was a screen shot of a Facebook post containing a major game spoiler and the words "if you have a problem with this the block button is right there".

I told my DH about this and he explained the problem the trans community have with JK Rowling.

I am still reeling from this and don't know what to do. On one hand I'm angry as it's my life, my choice and it don't make me a horrible person. On the other hand I feel hurt that he would end our friendship if I don't do exactly as he says and has deliberately spoiled the game. Since when are friendships conditional?

As we are friends on PS he can see what I'm playing.

Any advice?

OP posts:
JuvenileEmu · 14/02/2023 20:34

I would just end the "friendship". Someone who tries to bully and blackmail you into doing things you don't want is not someone you should choose to have around you.

And it sounds like you've moved on with your life, unfortunately he hasn't. Cut your losses and try not to think too much about how toxic he's been towards you, it's a "him, not you" problem. And enjoy the game!

ConcordeOoter · 14/02/2023 20:37

This person is NOT your friend, there is no choice you can make from him doing this vile, controlling, abusive ultimatum where you are friends.

Play the bloody game and enjoy it, and tell this person to look elsewhere for a remote control human being.

PonyPatter44 · 14/02/2023 20:39

orchid220 · 14/02/2023 20:27

Perhaps if you answer my question I will consider answering yours.

Show quote history

Typical TRA - tells lies, asks stupid disingenuous questions and resolutely refuses to answer any questions aimed at them.

If you actually bother to read the essay in question, you will not find anything that condemns trans people in any way. Funnily enough, she doesn't centre them in the essay. She centres her concern for the rights of women and girls.

dottyshihtzu · 14/02/2023 20:43

Wrong place to ask, MN practically worships JKR precisely because she's anti trans.

It's not 'worship'. It shouldn't surprise anyone that a large number of women on a predominantly female forum are pro women's rights and will defend their right to be.

I'm curious, where's the 'right' place to ask? Reddit, male-dominated TRA forums? I shudder to think of the abuse the OP would receive for the crime of wanting to play a fucking game if she asked there, the reaction would be ten times worse than that of her so-called friend.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/02/2023 20:44

Only a TRA would say she is anti trans. She isn't.

She's pro woman. Pro keeping women's rights. And pro Trans people being accommodated in a way which doesn't shit on women's rights.

Discofish · 14/02/2023 20:45

Jesus, this person sounds unhinged.

My best friend votes Tory, I'm a socialist- ideological purity must be a lonely place- unless of course someone only ever places themselves in an echo chamber and never has a healthy debate about anything. Can't imagine this "friend" would be up for any kind of discussion about why they find JK's views about sex based rights so offensive.

Play the game. This person has no right to demand you share their views.

PeachesPudding · 14/02/2023 20:46

He’s not a friend. He’s a controlling twat.

Tell him to fuck the fuck off to fuckity fuck land 😆

orchid220 · 14/02/2023 20:46

CountryMusicHottie · 14/02/2023 20:33

I asked a question, completely separately to anyone else on the thread. I didn’t mention her being supportive, that was another poster. I have no idea about support or not, I just hear so much about her being transphobic but I’ve never seen this. So if you could answer my question, that would be great .

Show quote history

I didn't mention anything about whether she was transphobic but you are asking me whether I think she is. Why shouldn't I ask you whether you consider her to be supportive of trans people? I.e. Why should I answer your questions when you don't answer mine?

Botw1 · 14/02/2023 20:48

@orchid220

I don't think she's supportive of trans people in particular

But then, I don't think she has to be, do you?

SolemnlySwear2010 · 14/02/2023 20:55

Is your friend also avoiding Lego, Funko Pops, Universal Studios etc as they all make JK Rowling money and trade off the Harry Potter franchise. I've have heard a lot of trans people are targeting this game but not anything else that is Harry Potter related which seems bizarre!

CountryMusicHottie · 14/02/2023 21:00

orchid220 · 14/02/2023 20:46

I didn't mention anything about whether she was transphobic but you are asking me whether I think she is. Why shouldn't I ask you whether you consider her to be supportive of trans people? I.e. Why should I answer your questions when you don't answer mine?

Show quote history

But I have answered as best I can. I said I have no idea if she’s supportive or not. I hear lots of people saying she’s transphobic though and I’ve seen no evidence of this. I don’t think not advertising your support is an issue though (if she doesn’t), whereas being transphobic is very wrong.

At the moment, I like JK for her stance on women’s rights. If she is transphobic then please tell me where exactly, because I don’t want to support someone who is transphobic.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/02/2023 21:12

SolemnlySwear2010 · 14/02/2023 20:55

Is your friend also avoiding Lego, Funko Pops, Universal Studios etc as they all make JK Rowling money and trade off the Harry Potter franchise. I've have heard a lot of trans people are targeting this game but not anything else that is Harry Potter related which seems bizarre!

And Primark.

whatkatydid2013 · 14/02/2023 21:16

CountryMusicHottie · 14/02/2023 21:00

But I have answered as best I can. I said I have no idea if she’s supportive or not. I hear lots of people saying she’s transphobic though and I’ve seen no evidence of this. I don’t think not advertising your support is an issue though (if she doesn’t), whereas being transphobic is very wrong.

At the moment, I like JK for her stance on women’s rights. If she is transphobic then please tell me where exactly, because I don’t want to support someone who is transphobic.

Show quote history

Basically it would seem that for some people not believing trans women are women is transphobic.
For other people it’s just stating a fact because to them the meaning of woman has an inherent link to sex (ie being an adult human female)
I view the opinion some people hold that trans women are women as being a bit like a religious belief. I respect their right to think that but I disagree because I don’t think saying trans women are women is a meaningful statement. They are not female & without some significant scientific advances they never will be. If sex isn’t what defines being a woman then I don’t understand what does. You never get a sensible answer if you ask online though. Just loads of rambling about how people feel and how not accepting that is “literal” violence. I’d love a sensible explanation of what a woman is and what a man is if it’s not centred on their sex.

Americano75 · 14/02/2023 21:17

Tell him to fuck right off.

enweto · 14/02/2023 21:31

I think that this friend is not really a friend if he will ‘dump’ you so easily over this. He sounds very black-and-white in his thinking. And also rather immature. Can you even see him the same way, now that he responded to you so aggressively and spoilt the game for you?

I think in your shoes I would call it a day. But, if you really want to keep the friendship, just don’t tell him that you play Harry Potter! If there really is no way of keeping your gaming account private, just de-friend him. Tell him you’re doing it with everyone.

BaileySharp · 14/02/2023 22:42

It's a sensitive topic for many trans people. They have got each other all worked up about JK Rowling and this game. Your friend was very rude, I think in your position I would be offended back - "how can you think those things of me I've known you x years". Let them know you weren't aware of any of the controversy. Ask them to tell you what JK Rowling said that was so horrific.

Then, make up your mind, can you forgive the rudeness and not play the game over the offence it has caused your friend or has the friend crossed a line talking to you like that? Personally I don't see the offence in what JK Rowling has said, but I know that many do (well it's not so much what she says its more who she dares associate with). You could make up your own mind about her or just stay out of it and take your friends word for it.

It depends if the friendship is worth it to you.

LimeTwists · 14/02/2023 22:45

A quote from a Telegraph reader from an article on this hysteria sums it up nicely:

“If you're getting your bits and bobs in a twist over a literary based video game, if you think 'that' is where the fight should be fought then you're probably a petty little grievance addict that prefers to pick on children rather than confront your opposition in intelligent debate.
Shame on these people.”

And I’d agree. I would not engage with anyone who uses threats / cancelling / tantrums etc instead of reasoned debate.

NewHopes · 14/02/2023 22:51

@BackToHogwarts Send him a screenshot of your own. I'd suggest a meme of this quote...

"There are all kinds of courage," said Dumbledore, smiling. "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends. I therefore award ten points to Mr. Neville Longbottom."

ConcordeOoter · 14/02/2023 23:33

BaileySharp · 14/02/2023 22:42

It's a sensitive topic for many trans people. They have got each other all worked up about JK Rowling and this game. Your friend was very rude, I think in your position I would be offended back - "how can you think those things of me I've known you x years". Let them know you weren't aware of any of the controversy. Ask them to tell you what JK Rowling said that was so horrific.

Then, make up your mind, can you forgive the rudeness and not play the game over the offence it has caused your friend or has the friend crossed a line talking to you like that? Personally I don't see the offence in what JK Rowling has said, but I know that many do (well it's not so much what she says its more who she dares associate with). You could make up your own mind about her or just stay out of it and take your friends word for it.

It depends if the friendship is worth it to you.

Is it a question of sensitivity?

Note that this controlling behaviour appears to involve a couple of off-the-wall allegations of stuff like racism. Unless OP has missed out some massive drip feed that explains that, it seems like lies thrown in with the controlling behaviour to make OP feel like an extra shitty piece of shit and confuse the hell out of her at the same time, all while she has not actually DONE anything wrong.

If that doesn't constitute a controlling misogynist red flag I don't know what does tbh.

GoodLuckJKR · 14/02/2023 23:58

Queryer · 14/02/2023 14:54

JK said nothing wrong and was also correct to highlight the rally poster boards inciting capital punishment against anyone who disagrees with their opinions. But for your hopefully former “friend”’s information JK was not involved in the making of the game in any way other than being the original creator of HP so will not be affected in any way by their precious boycott.

Let's get the terminology right.

"murder", not "capital punishment"

RosaBonheur · 15/02/2023 04:09

orchid220 · 14/02/2023 19:55

It's not up to me to decide. I'm not the one saying she is supportive.

Show quote history

Total nothing burger of an argument then.

DulcetTones · 15/02/2023 05:32

Anyone who tries to tell me what games or media I can and can't play or enjoy is not my friend. I'm not a child, and they aren't my parents. I'd be done. Block, block, block.

TigeToo · 15/02/2023 06:43

Jesus, just block him and play Harry Potter. He’s a drama queen and a massive attention seeker - not the kind of person I’d want to spent time on

newnamethanks · 15/02/2023 08:00

He's a tosser who clearly spends far too much time online and has swallowed the whole trans misogyny garbage whole. You can't reason him out of that as he'll refuse to engage. Imagine your friend has had his brain sucked out and replaced by a hate machine. And lose him. Fast. Block him.

orchid220 · 15/02/2023 08:46

RosaBonheur · 15/02/2023 04:09

Total nothing burger of an argument then.

Show quote history

I wasn't arguing. I was asking a poster who said JK Rowling was supportive of trans people what had they done that was supportive - I was genuinely interested. I haven't said she is or isn't supportive and I haven't said she is or isn't transphobic so not sure why people are demanding I answer their questions and giving me abuse if I don't answer them.