Friendship ultimatum over Harry Potter

[BackToHogwarts]

I want to start by saying that I suffer from anxiety after death of a parent and a MC so don't watch news, read newspapers, am not on social media other than Marketplace etc. This was an order from my counsellor at the time as any article about death, illness, nuclear war doomsday etc would send me into a tailspin so my general knowledge of what's going on in the world is limited at best.

Anyway 6 years ago I met a friend of mine at a gaming convention meet up. We bonded over our love for anime, games and all things nerdy and struck up a friendship.

He's a very gifted artist and when he moved further away to pursue this we still kept in touch. He told me he was saving for top surgery so I promoted his shop to everyone I knew to try and help. He has since achieved this and is much happier in himself. I had 2 DCs over the years so my gaming has gone down to maybe 2h after bedtime if I'm not too tired and is something I enjoy very much and is my happy place. Despite this we still played together when we could and debated and recommended games and shows to one another etc.

Fast forward to a few days ago, I mentioned I'm eager to try the new Hogwarts Legacy game as Harry Potter was a big part of my childhood and I would love to go back to Hogwarts, when his entire tone changed.

Suddenly I got called a racist, antisemitic neo-nazi terf (?) who he will never talk to again if I so much as try to play that game. .........WTAF? I thought he was joking at first as we used to talk about Harry Potter but he said that was before he knew better and has since gotten rid of the books and movies and I should do the same if I want to stay his friend. I asked is he seriously going to end our friendship over a game and he said "Are YOU?"

I spent a few days in total shock then yesterday got a message from him which was a screen shot of a Facebook post containing a major game spoiler and the words "if you have a problem with this the block button is right there".

I told my DH about this and he explained the problem the trans community have with JK Rowling.

I am still reeling from this and don't know what to do. On one hand I'm angry as it's my life, my choice and it don't make me a horrible person. On the other hand I feel hurt that he would end our friendship if I don't do exactly as he says and has deliberately spoiled the game. Since when are friendships conditional?

As we are friends on PS he can see what I'm playing.

Any advice?

Since the snide and sneery comments are repeated you will no doubt find it easy to provide sources. Would love to read them and make up my own mind……

I got a small update. After catching up on everyone's lovely advice and having a read myself (can't find anything offensive about what JK Rowling said either) and having a sleep on it I have decided I can't leave things as toxic as they are now. So have reached out and asked if we could talk later today/tonight.

I'm a big dweller and if we can't even agree to disagree and this friendship is truly over at least I'll have some closure.

I don't click with a lot of people and none of my few close friends share my gaming interests so it will be very sad if it comes to that. As someone mentioned earlier why can't we just be friends who have different opinions instead of this whole "us" vs "them" mentality.

Oh, and I will play the game. :)

Will try update later.

Tell him to get stuffed!
He needs help.

You sound level-headed! You've looked at the arguments - thought about your friend's point of view but also your own.

You are friends not clones of each other.

I suppose that if having a different view is enough to end a friendship... it wasn't much of a friendship after all.

I'd be inclined to message themn and say, "I'm not terminating our friendship because of a game, but I am backing off because I don't choose to hang out with people who bully, coerce and abuse me. We could have had a civil discussion about the game but you attacked me aggressively and immediately. You showed a side to your character which is not what I look for in a friend."

Your friend is being a controlling arse, i love Harry Potter & i have a good friend who is trans, m-f & hates jk for the reasons most trans people hate her, i dont see jk's comments the same way she does, but we are both adults & dont want to fall out over something like this so we have agreed to disagree and just don't discuss harry potter or jk, theres many other things we can and do talk about together

Yes just him you can understand that he's upset as it's a topic he feels passionately about but you absolutely will not tolerate that he takes it out on you so personally and so offensively

As that is absolutely not how friends should talk to each other ever

He's being controlling and manipulative

Your lovely DH on the other hand (who probably very much wants you to cut ties with this dreadful human) is graciously standing back and allowing you to navigate this scenario yourself

I would personally cut ties with this friend.

*Just tell him

I had a sibling tell me he would no longer speak to me unless I 'renounced my views' on jkr/ gender critical.

As my soul is not for sale, we are now long term estranged.

Bin this 'friend ' off, the friendship is effectively over now anyway if he's making demands like this.

Woke stasi

On one side reason... on the other dogma!
Words like 'renounced' add to the feeling that this is a cult belief.

I'm sorry you have lost your sibling for now @BluebellBlueballs.
I'm hoping that for many this is fashion rather than faith - fashions change.

Its a game, not something important.

got a message from him which was a screen shot of a Facebook post containing a major game spoiler and the words "if you have a problem with this the block button is right there".

What a nasty piece of work. Ignorant and aggressive too. (JK Rowling has never said anything transphobic, but could paper the walls of her house with all the death threats she has been sent by numskulls who believe all they read on Twitter.)

You are well rid of this ‘friend’.

I promised an update so here goes.

Long story short, it started off really well then went completely pear-shaped. Sad to say most of you here were right, there was only one way this could end, I held hope it could be salvaged but alas.

I said I understand why he feels passionately about this topic and that is perfectly fine but I didn't deserve to be called every name under the sun and he crossed the line. He agreed and explained he never thought those things about me, not unless I bought the game as then I'd be putting money in JK Rowling's pocket and it would be used to fund hate groups.

I said OK, can we agree to disagree as all I wanted was to play a simple game, he said no and here's why. Then he proceeded to give me an arsenal of reasons as to how everything from the original books to the game to JK Rowling have hate baked into them, one more shocking than the previous that I thought either I have completely missed the point of the whole story or this is some serious straw grasping. I have replayed the conversation in my head so many times and still can't make sense of it.

He was already fired up so I tried ending the discussion and asked can we please just put all relating to Harry Potter on ice and not talk about it again and move on with our lives. No, not unless I vow not to play the game as I got no idea what trans people go through every day (this is true!) and all he's asking is that I don't play a stupid game and if I can't even do that then I'm no ally.

I was quite annoyed at this point and said "Are you even listening to yourself?" and he said that's fine he didn't expect anything else from "a white cis woman".

And that was that. We ended the call with a "ok cya" which may just as well have "never" after it. I got my closure but it hurts.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and enlightement about this topic and I'm sorry for all of you who have lost friends, relatives and siblings to similar disagreements. Guess it's the world we live in now! In the future I will just refrain from mentioning it even though it was my own ignorance of the controversy of this that got me into this mess to begin with.

The TRAs have managed to cook up some astonishing nonsense about the HP books - inferring all kinds of "hate" that they strangely never noticed - despite many of them being avid HP fans who could quote chapter and verse from the books -before they decided she was the devil incarnate.

They're in a cult. And you don't need that kind of insanity shouting in your ear. Well done for standing firm.

Thank you for the update @BackToHogwarts. I'm sorry that it played out that way and that he took the opportunity to further insult you.

There's an MN Thread currently running about the level of hate without direct evidential quotes being levelled at JKR which you might find interesting. www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4743949-telegraph-whenever-people-accuse-jk-rowling-of-transphobia-they-never-quote-a-single-word-shes-said?page=1

I want to say again that none of what he said or did to you is your fault. You sound like a very nice person and a good friend to have. Please don't beat yourself up about what happened. I know it's horrible but he sounds very toxic and cruel and I am sure that you don't deserve to have that in your life.

I hope you go on to make more friends who are able to be kind, even if they don't agree on every subject.

Best wishes to you. x

Well, you may mourn the loss of the friendship you had, but cut him off and block him for good. He's a fanatic, a poisonous idiot, who isn't worth your friendship. Don't feel bad for HIM, he'll survive.

In the future I will just refrain from mentioning it even though it was my own ignorance of the controversy of this that got me into this mess to begin with.

That’s how I have been until recently, when I found Mumsnet, which has opened my eyes. I just avoided the subject on Twitter completely, because no matter how careful, how neutral, how inoffensive I tried to be, someone would take umbrage. Someone even took umbrage when I tweeted that, completely proving my point!

To be fair, it’s an issue that has not impinged on my life in any way, so far. Knew a transexual nurse back in the 1980s, and a few years later I watched a man in a skirt on a train, applying make-up rather badly on his stubbly unshaven face, and just assumed it was street theatre/performance art. Here in rural Devon I’ve never heard trans issues mentioned by anyone.

Said to my OH the other day “I’ve been radicalised by Mumsnet!”

I'm friends with someone, we disagreed with our views on Brexit and now we disagree about JK Rowling. Still friends though!

Well done, OP, for trying to have a civilised conversation; you tried your best.
Mourn the loss of the friendship but not the loss of the 'friend'.

The trouble is, @BackToHogwarts, this is an ideology which does not tolerate dissent or disagreement. Either you do exactly what they say and believe exactly what they tell you to believe (or at least pretend to), or you are evil and have innocent trans people's blood on your hands. There is no middle ground.

JK Rowling has made it clear that she supports trans people's rights to be safe, be treated with dignity and to have their identity respected, but she believes that women and girls should also have those same rights. The trans activists cannot handle a high profile woman saying "no".

Women across the country now no longer have access to single sex rape crisis services because all the existing women's services are inclusive of trans women (who are male) on a self ID basis. That means that there is absolutely nothing to stop any man from saying "I am a woman" in order to gain access to a group for vulnerable women who have been raped. And some men get off on listening to women describe being assaulted and raped. It is vitally important that female rape survivors are able to access single sex support if that is what they need, which many of them do. But the people who run these services have decided that the harm done to trans people if they are excluded from some services for members of the opposite sex is more important than the harm done to women and girls not having access to any single sex support. In response to this, JK Rowling has set up and is funding a female only rape crisis centre in Scotland, which is not being registered as a charity (meaning they won't qualify for public funding or gift aid), to enable them to resist the pressure to make it "inclusive" of male people. And what has happened? Trans activists (who constantly bang on about trans people being the most vulnerable and having the right to feel safe) are attacking it, threatening legal action, trying to have it shut down, trying to find ways of forcing it to include male people, or ways of male people gaining access under false pretences. It's disgusting. These are the kind of people we are dealing with here. It's not enough for trans people to have equal rights and to be respected. Women and girls must not be allowed to have anything, from prison wings to hospital wards to rape crisis centres and sporting categories, which excludes male people who believe they identify as women.

JK Rowling has stuck her head above the parapet on this issue. She could have just kept quiet and counted her money. But she has chosen to stand up for women and girls.

People participating in this witch hunt of JK Rowling are, at worst, dyed in the wool misogynists, and at best, bandwagon jumpers who are too thick to engage their brains and ask themselves why it is so very wrong for natal women and girls to have the same rights and protections which are being demanded for trans people.

I am sorry your friendship has ended in such an unpleasant way OP, but I think you have dodged a bullet. Calling you, who has been a longterm friend “a white cis woman” in such a vicious manner sounds to me as though your friend has drunk a lot more than the anti JKR kool aid. He sounds like a very angry and irrational person who has decided for some reason that “white cis women” are the scourge of society and are somehow responsible for all the slights, resentments, disappointments and wrong turnings his own life has taken.

You on the other hand sound like a kind and thoughtful friend and I hope you find another buddy to game with.

Superb post @RosaBonheur

even though it was my own ignorance of the controversy of this that got me into this mess to begin with.

No, it was not your fault at all. You're not dealing with a rational person; if you were then you could accidentally mention controversial topics and still come to a civilised understanding. The fault is all his.

Don’t get involved in the Harry Potter debate, as this person clearly isn’t interested in having a discussion anyway. This person was obviously triggered by the whole JKR thing, but that didn’t give them the right to overlook everything they know about you and come in screeching rather than wanting to help you see things from their perspective.

It’s a shame to lose a friendship, but I would walk away at this point. If they want to come to you later for any apology an a balanced chat, you can decide whether you’re open to it.

This person feels entitled to try and FORCE you into acting based on their beliefs instead of your own, then sign off with a racist + misogynistic comment at the end.

This kind of person needs little excuse to abuse women, and it appears they think they've found one. I would treat future sweet talk about "being friends again" with extreme scepticism.