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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotionally manipulative boss

282 replies

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:32

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Daizie · 14/02/2023 13:37

Why on earth did you change your mind? I really don't understand

Icepinkeskimo · 14/02/2023 13:37

You know he’s manipulating you, so is there an actual reason why you cannot leave?
You need to work on your self esteem and know your worth.
The longer you work in this toxic environment the worse it will get.
Start looking for a new job and just leave, he sounds like a nightmare.

Howyiz · 14/02/2023 13:38

And knowing all that you turned down a much better job?

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:39

I had a conversation with him to resign, he manipulated, goaded, mocked and undermined me to a level that my self esteem was rock bottom and I feel I wouldn't be any good at the new role.

OP posts:
user1471552842 · 14/02/2023 13:39

Get out of there, he'll never change. Get in touch with the other company and see if they're still happy to offer you the position

Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/02/2023 13:40

He will probably find a reason to fire you now, what a manipulative dickhead

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:40

I don't think I could do the new role, I don't think I'd be good enough. I've told them I won't accept now.

OP posts:
Daizie · 14/02/2023 13:41

Did you get the new role based on lies? Or the truth?

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:43

I got the new role based on the complete truth. I didn't lie to get it. They approached me based on my LinkedIn profile. I am fairly senior believe it or not! Current boss has reached new levels, I didn't think he was this bad.

OP posts:
Randobelia · 14/02/2023 13:44

Oh my gosh OP. A) see a counsellor. B) phone up the new job and apologise and see if you can still get it. C) Get signed off sick and job hunt.

It's an employer, not a spouse. Who gives a fuck what some dickhead thinks? You can do better. If they didn't think you could do the kob they wouldn't have offered it.

Get out of there. This matters now, in six months you'll have forgotten him/them/this whole thing.

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:46

I've been comparing this to an emotionally abusive relationship. He is in control of the finances, obviously he pays me to do a job and his rate of pay isn't bad, although any talk of pay rises is banned (last pay rise October 2021). If I sign off sick he won't pay me and I can't live on SSP. The meeting was the stuff of nightmares.

OP posts:
Daizie · 14/02/2023 13:47

You got the new job based on the truth, therefore why on earth do you think you can't do this job. You need to get this manipulative fucker out of your life, realise your worth, and try and re-accept the new job ignoring anything that this bully has to say. I've been in this position, I got out, it changed my life.

dontputitthere · 14/02/2023 13:47

I would contact the other company and explain (not all of the situation but you were put under undue stress not to leave) but ask if there is anything that can be done.

Agree with therapy. This is quite an extreme reaction to someone you know is manipulative.

And leave. You need to leave asap and get away from them. Put all your energy into escaping.

You've recognised they're an abuser. This will not change. And sadly now he knows he can change your mind and bully you to the point of turning down an offer he will feel he has complete power over you.

Randobelia · 14/02/2023 13:49

Exactly - it's a very extreme reaction which is really not in your favour.

You have the power here. You don't need to live with him or divorce him. You're not a slave. It's all fixable.

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:49

dontputitthere · 14/02/2023 13:47

I would contact the other company and explain (not all of the situation but you were put under undue stress not to leave) but ask if there is anything that can be done.

Agree with therapy. This is quite an extreme reaction to someone you know is manipulative.

And leave. You need to leave asap and get away from them. Put all your energy into escaping.

You've recognised they're an abuser. This will not change. And sadly now he knows he can change your mind and bully you to the point of turning down an offer he will feel he has complete power over you.

You're absolutely right and that is what I'm worried about - he now knows he has the power to be even worse.
I literally am frozen to the position, I don't feel capable of leaving. The interview process for the new job was so empowering and he's taken it all away.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 14/02/2023 13:50

Not sure what your AIBU is so will assume you're just asking for advice.
This doesn't sound like you've been singled out so that should make things easier. There's safety in numbers so get others on board even if it's just that they are prepared if questioned to give an account of a particular incident.
Unfortunately being emotionally manipulative or even brusk, unfriendly etc are not really actionable offences but bad language, shouting, intimidation, safety breaches, not following protocol, refusing to recognise overtime etc....these things probably are. Get a separate notebook and a memory stick so you can save any e docs for yourself, not just on your work PC...set a date (1 month?) then go to HR with your evidence.
In the meantime work on your own assertiveness. You've probably shot yourself in the foot with the other company but keep an eye out for jobs elsewhere. You clearly have the skills as evidenced by the offer so it's just a matter of time. Either things will change at work or you'll be off.

Daizie · 14/02/2023 13:52

OP.....you'll leave, he will have you replaced within 6 weeks. Please realise this! You want to look back one day and realise how many years you wasted because of 1 man? Please listen to everyone on here, ask the new job could they reconsider, even explain if you need to.

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:54

@JudgeRudy thank you, yes it is just for advice and traffic. I don't have any colleagues I work closely with. The type of work means we're all in different places. There is no HR dept. He is the owner/Director - it's work for him or go.

OP posts:
Randobelia · 14/02/2023 13:54

Take it back then? I really think you need therapy. This is absolutely not a normal reaction to somewhere you've been for a few years. Do you have a partner/any savings/credit card anything to be able to leave and get some help? If it was possible to cover all essential bills only for a month or two to get out then do it. If not, really job hunt evenings and weekends and don't listen to that twat.

Thehop · 14/02/2023 13:55

Pretend you're someone else.

ckntact other role. Explain your we're out under unreasonable pressure not to resign but have done so and would love to work with them.

email notice to current job. Block phone numbers, hamd in sick note to cover notice.

all the time pretending it's not you: "come on Janet. This is the next step. Good lass, do that then. Right ignore this email, delete. That's it"

Tinkerbyebye · 14/02/2023 13:55

You have the opportunity to go and didnt

so start looking for another job

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:56

If you were the Directors at the new job, would you think it was insane behaviour?

This is a senior role, senior management team. Be honest!

OP posts:
Mexicansky · 14/02/2023 13:56

Why did you speak to your boss?

You had been offered a new job and there didn't need to be any discussion about it. You simply should have handed your notice in and then end of story.

He can only do this if you let him.

You need to take control. You got that job solely on merit. You are absolutely capable of doing it and they owe you nothing. They wouldn't have offered you the job if they didn't want to.

You need to get in touch with them now and explain and ask if you can change your mind. Hopefully it won't be too late.

Then get the hell out of there!!!

Randobelia · 14/02/2023 13:58

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:56

If you were the Directors at the new job, would you think it was insane behaviour?

This is a senior role, senior management team. Be honest!

You can talk to them without over explaining. I would say something like massive apologies, you were promised something at current role which has been rescinded and on reflection you would be thrilled etc to start new job if still possible.

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 14/02/2023 13:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.