Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotionally manipulative boss

282 replies

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:32

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 14/02/2023 16:11

Send the email/make the call! We’re all waiting to give you a round of applause Smile

Elliania · 14/02/2023 16:13

OP you're not going to be able to work on your self esteem if you stay in your current role. As you've seen, your boss will just tear you down every time you try. Either contact the other company, explain, and see what they say or start looking for something else. You will make no progress on being the best version of yourself in that environment.

Randobelia · 14/02/2023 16:15

I get where you're coming from OP.

I left abusive exh. I stayed in a job with horrendous leadership and toxic environment for over ten years. I left with nothing to go to. New job is SO supportive and people are lovely. Wish had done it years ago. Don't be like me!!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/02/2023 16:25

Bemoreatticus · 14/02/2023 15:17

Contact the company who offered you the job "dear company, I was wondering if the job offer was still available? I turned down your original offer based on loyalty to my existing employer but on reflection I can see this is an opportunity that I do not wish to pass on"

If they offer you the job..grab it and give your notice in writing. Don't stop to think and don't let your boss get to you. Throw yourself into your new role. In a different environment you will flourish.

If the job offer is no longer available, start searching for something similar. You must get away from your current situation.

This is the perfect line to take with the Job offer company.

If they say no, they say no. End of it. That's all they can say...But they might actually say YES>

They interviewed you and they believe that you are able to do the job. It might be difficult to get into the swing of it but they will allow you time to adapt. You have survived a difficult situation so far, it takes some skill to do that. You are probably 100 times better at your job than your horrible ghastly boss allows you to believe. Just remind yourself when he's creating, does he meet the definition of a good boss in any shape or form?

You say you are not in a good place. That is true you are in a place where you a constantly bullied - and that is why you need to leave as soon as possible. Your self-esteem and confidence will recover as soon as you get away from the current hideous situation. Imagine how it will feel to go to work not dreading every second.

If you get the job offer again. GRAB IT. hand in a written resignation as you leave work for the day and do not discuss it. Take holiday and sick leave (yes sick leave) to hasten your departure and "get the hell out of Dodge." I understand what you are going through and I can tell you the weight will fall from your shoulders the day you shake the dust of that place from your shoes.

WeAreAllLionesses · 14/02/2023 16:27

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

If you don't make changes, this will go on for ever. You HAVE to find the strength.

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 16:32

You are an adult and need to start acting like one.

He is your boss, not you partner or your dad and you need to stop blaming him for your decision.

All you had to do was hand your notice in - so what if he said you couldn’t do the job.

Do you have feelings for this man?
Have you ever kissed or had sex with him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 16:33

I understand you’re frightened to approach the company and doubting yourself.

If you don’t contact them, you don’t have the job.
If you contact them and say no, you’re in no worse position than if you didn’t contact them. In fact, you’re in a better position as you know the option is no longer open to you.

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2023 17:08

I’ve done this too. Please contact the other company and ask if you can go ahead with the process. They clearly wanted you and will probably be delighted you’ve changed your mind. Surely you don’t want to stay in your current position??

Meanwhile, block your boss on your phone, take emails off your phone and only access them when at work. Tell him you’re doing this. I had a bit of a stand up with my boss re no contact outside of work, there is no need for it, I always get in early and tackle emails before work starts, there is no need to send me messages outside of working hours.

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:48

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 16:32

You are an adult and need to start acting like one.

He is your boss, not you partner or your dad and you need to stop blaming him for your decision.

All you had to do was hand your notice in - so what if he said you couldn’t do the job.

Do you have feelings for this man?
Have you ever kissed or had sex with him?

Oh my God! No no no, I have no feelings for the man, I have never been close enough to kiss him. Yuk!

OP posts:
Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:49

The new company called me! Well the recruitment agent. I was going to dodge the call but buoyed from your comments I answered. The door is once again ajar for me. I have overnight to think about it. The agent has said they really want me. I blamed it on imposter syndrome, which it also is.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 14/02/2023 18:52

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:49

The new company called me! Well the recruitment agent. I was going to dodge the call but buoyed from your comments I answered. The door is once again ajar for me. I have overnight to think about it. The agent has said they really want me. I blamed it on imposter syndrome, which it also is.

YES! That's double confirmed that you're good enough. Go for it!

I'll handle your boss if you want!

Daizie · 14/02/2023 18:53

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:49

The new company called me! Well the recruitment agent. I was going to dodge the call but buoyed from your comments I answered. The door is once again ajar for me. I have overnight to think about it. The agent has said they really want me. I blamed it on imposter syndrome, which it also is.

OP......I've never wanted a stranger to listen to me so much in my ENTIRE life!!!!!

PLEASE BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

PLEASE GO FOR IT.

REGRET WHAT YOU DID DO INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU DIDN'T DO, PLEASE 🙏

dontputitthere · 14/02/2023 18:54

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:49

The new company called me! Well the recruitment agent. I was going to dodge the call but buoyed from your comments I answered. The door is once again ajar for me. I have overnight to think about it. The agent has said they really want me. I blamed it on imposter syndrome, which it also is.

That's great

So what's holding you back?

Are you going to accept it first thing in the morning?

Christmaspyjamas · 14/02/2023 18:54

Brilliant!

You're going to have to trust that these feelings will go away when you've left that boss.

You have such a great chance now to be happy.

We can all help you come up with a strategy to tell the old boss and stay safe from him.

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:55

Haha thank you @YesitsBess

Thank you @Daizie

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 14/02/2023 18:56

I'm on a plane for the next few hours but looking forward to happy updates

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:57

What’s holding me back is massive imposter syndrome. New girl panic. Although I have a horrible boss I’m good at the job and know it well.

OP posts:
PrunellaDeVil · 14/02/2023 19:00

You can do this! We believe in you, so does your new employer and so does Horrible Boss, otherwise he wouldn’t have worked so hard to manipulate you out of going.

Your new job is going to seem like such a breath of fresh air. If you stay then you will get trapped in a cycle of never feeling good enough to leave. Horrible Boss has shown you who he is, so believe him. You don’t owe him anything. Good luck, we are rooting for you!

YesitsBess · 14/02/2023 19:00

PLEASE DO NOT WAVER NOW JUDITH I AM IN THE AIR FOR 5 HOURS AND WILL WORRY. You can do this!😂

Randobelia · 14/02/2023 19:00

Awesome!!!! So you will also be good at the new job too! You were the new girl at your current place just 3 years ago - you can do this!

Do itttttt!

dontputitthere · 14/02/2023 19:02

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:57

What’s holding me back is massive imposter syndrome. New girl panic. Although I have a horrible boss I’m good at the job and know it well.

I can sense it in your posts and it worries me than even with this golden opportunity you won't take it.

You have to remember a lot of this anxiety is from your boss. He has caused this doubt

You leaving will remove both problems!

You can realise how capable you really are. And remove yourself from this toxic situation.

Ultimately for your own sanity you need to leave. This is just serendipity that you can leave asap

enoughofthiscrap · 14/02/2023 19:03

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:49

The new company called me! Well the recruitment agent. I was going to dodge the call but buoyed from your comments I answered. The door is once again ajar for me. I have overnight to think about it. The agent has said they really want me. I blamed it on imposter syndrome, which it also is.

Well that's a sign you have to take it 😃

Pfeiffle · 14/02/2023 19:03

This is your chance! Get away from the toxic boss and prove to yourself that you can do this 💐

PrunellaDeVil · 14/02/2023 19:03

If it helps, tell us what you’re worried he’ll say and we can script the answers for you. I do a lot of very senior negotiating, this is how we take the emotion out of it.

Botw1 · 14/02/2023 19:03

You absolutely have to find the strength to accept the new job.

You can do it. It may be difficult in the immediate term but the reward and better quality of life will be worth it.

Do not engage any further with your old boss.

Wait until you have your start date etc in place and then email your resignation and don't go back