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Original poster

Emotionally manipulative boss

282 replies

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:32

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 14/02/2023 21:05

"The interview process for the new job was so empowering and he's taken it all away."

He hasn't taken anything away. Please speak to your GP about anxiety and maybe some antidepressants. Speak to your husband, arrange some counselling, start applying for other jobs. There is loads and loads that you can do it instead of blaming this on other people. .

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 14/02/2023 21:27

You can do it OP, you really can. He is a hideous person, you said so yourself, and motivated not by truth and accuracy but by self-interest and spite. For heavens sake please don't let him ruin your life.

Weedoormatnomore · 14/02/2023 21:34

Sounds like a lucky 2nd chance with them still offering the job. Don't waste it
Work out your notice period less any untaken holiday for your leaving date. Write the letter go into the office tomorrow and just put it down on his desk. Just ignore anything that he says the longer you stay the harder it will ever be to leave.

MaverickGooseGoose · 14/02/2023 22:02

You don't 'have a conversation about resigning', you resign. You're beholden to someone who gives no shots about you for some reason. You need to untangle that and quit.

k1233 · 14/02/2023 22:07

The universe is giving you a monstrous shove and a way to get out of where you are. Take it!

SomethingOnce · 14/02/2023 22:18

You don't 'have a conversation about resigning'

I don’t know, you could…

OP: Byeeeeeeeeee!

The End.

UpUpAndAwol · 14/02/2023 22:19

Take the job OP!! Email your resignation to your boss and refuse the conversation by giving non committal statements. Look up how to block narcissists. Grey rock until you are out the door! Come back and tell us how you get on. You really definitely can do the new job

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 14/02/2023 22:19

Please, please, please take that new job. They really want you to work with them and you really need to get away from your knobhead of a boss. Win win!

Clearoutre · 14/02/2023 22:51

Please make an appt with a counsellor and relay all this to them, they can help you work through it and protect yourself from it happening again, in & outside work. Even if you can only afford a few sessions to build an understanding of what’s happened and why there’s plenty of free/cheap books, audiobooks, podcasts and articles to help you continue the journey.

Congratulations on your job offer - they already value you way more than your current boss does. He doesn’t sound like a leader at all he sounds like a dictatorial fraud so don’t invest your time and effort making him rich and successful - invest it somewhere you will also reap the benefits.

BoxOfCats · 14/02/2023 23:07

If your boss genuinely thought you were rubbish, he would be thrilled to let you go!

OhwhyOY · 14/02/2023 23:10

@JudithChalmersIsMyMum having worked in a job with a boss that heavily undermined my self esteem, let me tell you now that will not get better until you leave. So do it today. Accept that job - knowing even after you said no they still want you, which says a lot about how great you are - and as others have said, email in your resignation and ignore your ahole boss. Don't engage with him at all - in fact, if you can afford to, go off sick for your notice period. I would also recommend speaking to a doctor or therapist about cognitive behavioural therapy, it helps you to address negative thought patterns. As with many people in abusive relationships, once you've left the world will look very different. And look at this way, if you aren't good at the job (which I'm sure you will be) then what's the worst that would happen? Your employer will no doubt be much nicer about it than your current one, and you could always get another job. The likelihood is that you will spread your wings and soar once you're free of this awful man.

MagicalAnimal · 14/02/2023 23:12

Good God woman - please take the job!!! He wants you to stay because you are clearly good at it, so do not worry about the new role, take this opportunity with both hands and get out of this toxic environment!

thaisweetchill · 14/02/2023 23:30

TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!!

This is your opportunity to get out of that hell hole, will another opportunity like this come up again? Probability is low. I think everyone has an imposter syndrome when starting a new job but they have faith in you to excel at this job so please accept!

Just imagine the feeling of walking out of your office for the last time knowing you won't have to speak to this vile man ever again.

Come on, do it!Flowers

MaraScottie · 14/02/2023 23:58

TAKE THE JOB!

And run like your life depended on it. You can do it!

sesquipedalian · 15/02/2023 00:08

You go, girl - take the job! They want you, and you want out from your current horrible situation. Just do it - you won’t look back.

Isithotinhere · 15/02/2023 00:38

You know you have to go - if you turn this job down you'll build it into a narrative that you couldn't possibly work anywhere else so you'll stay working for this shit.

You have only one life, why spend it in an awful job. If you were useless he wouldn't want to keep you.

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 15/02/2023 09:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Dinkeigh · 15/02/2023 09:25

Hoping for a good update today 😀🙏

BarrelOfOtters · 15/02/2023 09:36

Go for the new job. Companies want someone who is a good fit and has the same values as them - you don't with your current boss. They have spotted something in you that they want.

I know what it is like when you are bullied at work - and I look back now and can see it in cold hard light of what it was. And how manipulative it was. And how much better I feel now.

You can then work on your other issues (freedom programme maybe?) and look for other jobs if it doesn't quite work out.

Leaving any job can seem like the scariest thing in the world - but once it's done it is so liberating. This is really one of those 'what is the worst that can happen?' moments. The worst that can happen is that you might need to look again for another job (in a very buoyant job market where you have skills) and you'll be out of where you which is toxic.

SomethingOnce · 15/02/2023 09:59

Bite the bullet, OP. You’ll feel better when all there is to do is go onwards and upwards, no looking back.

Can we help compose the most politely cutting resignation letter in the history of time?

mumonthehill · 15/02/2023 12:01

Please go for it!!! We all think you should.

MrsScrubbingbrush · 15/02/2023 12:03

Another vote for going for it!

VoiceOfCommonSense · 15/02/2023 12:10

Why did you change your mind? You should have just left. It’s your own bloody fault. Grow a backbone..

pingugopoo · 15/02/2023 12:21

@JudithChalmersIsMyMum I have been in a similar situation where I should have just left. People asked me why I didn't just leave. It was so hard to explain to anyone else. He made me truly believe that I was incapable of working anywhere. I was trying to achieve something in the role that I could put on my CV and 'tick that job off' of that makes sense? So that I could walk away with my head held high, having achieved something.

The bullying continued until I was unfairly suspended and put on paid leave while investigated for a breach of policy.

It was investigated fairly by a 3rd party and the bullying uncovered. I was found no case it answer, but HR would not let me return. They wanted me gone anyway as the bullying left them liable to a tribunal claim. I eventually settled for a payout that was more than double my annual salary. And he was quietly removed about 3 months later, when they had a replacement.

This was a long time ago and it still hurts. I still feel like I failed in that job and his bullying, lies, manipulation continue to impact me.

I know it's not as easy as just leaving. But that is what you need to do. Get your ducks in a row, secure your future role and then put your notice in writing. Don't have a conversation about it, just resign then go off sick until you are finished. Plan financially to not get paid and use the time in between jobs to rebuild your self esteem. You can and will be successful in your next role. I have been. Good luck.

WindUpPenguin · 15/02/2023 12:25

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:49

The new company called me! Well the recruitment agent. I was going to dodge the call but buoyed from your comments I answered. The door is once again ajar for me. I have overnight to think about it. The agent has said they really want me. I blamed it on imposter syndrome, which it also is.

This is excellent news. Take it take it take it! You need to get out.

The directors will not think you are mad. They will think they need to try extra hard to get you, because you love your current job/situation.