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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Emotionally manipulative boss

282 replies

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:32

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

OP posts:

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 14/02/2023 14:03

I’ve been in a similar situation (apart from the fact I did get sick pay but it was frowned upon if I was off sick), I was also bullied etc.

When I did leave I played my cards very close to my chest as he offered me a pay rise etc when I resigned. I was also bullied whilst I was there etc but got therapy for this. I did sadly stay for 5 years but with confidence eroded. I wish I’d have left sooner.

My best friend is in a very position to you, tries to leave, can’t leave, beaten down by her boss and she almost sees this as her default position after 14 years there. Her boss is a narcissist and manipulative.

I’d get therapy and/or leave. But ensure in your new company and boss you don’t jump from frying pan into the fire with a similar boss.

Daizie · 14/02/2023 14:05

I would say to the new place that you had to turn it down because after having the interview some things came up at work which meant you felt it wasn't the right time to go due to needing to finalise the projects. But as this has now been completed sooner than planned you really would like to accept the job but understand if it's too late and apologise for messing them around. You can only try!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/02/2023 14:08

Daizie · 14/02/2023 14:05

This is a great way to present it.

What have you got to lose? You have MORE to lose by staying put.

If this is what he's done to your confidence after just 3 years .... how will you feel in six.

Run. Get out of there. Do not waste another minute being bullied by this utter utter creep. You cannot change him, or manage him. All you can do is leave. Nothing could be worse that being continually ground down by this person.

Webbing · 14/02/2023 14:08

You got one new job so you can get another. Good people are valuable and lots of firms are struggling to recruit at senior levels.

Some people are a like a force of nature and are so difficult to oppose. I worked for someone like this and they would pull every lever to get what they want. You are not alone as sadly lots of people work for bullies.

Just know you will never change them and you really need now to commit to making a job change and follow through. Imagine telling your boss a 2nd time that you resign. Write it all down and practise your answers to his rebuttals - yes I’m aware this is inconvenient but it’s a great offer I’m delighted. Yes you’ll miss me I’ve worked very hard and really delivered but Im excited now for a new challenge.
Rinse and repeat. Ignore his arguments they are meaningless. You are ready to move so go for it!!

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/02/2023 14:12

I'd also start preparing handover notes or your replacement. That way you can give your notice and not be guilted into staying or helping transition.

lovemelongtime · 14/02/2023 14:17

You've got nothing to lose by going back to the company that made this the offer and asking. They may well say no and think you're messing then around, but unless you ask you will never know. Just think it's a five minute phone call that could change your whole life for the better.

AngeloMysterioso · 14/02/2023 14:19

Are his initials JC by any chance? He sounds an awful lot like a former boss of mine… most unbearable bastard I ever got stuck with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 14:19

Please go back to the company. You’ve been give a couple of cracking explanations. You can do this even if you end up not leaving now.

mumonthehill · 14/02/2023 14:19

I worked in a very similar situation, when I finally resigned he did not speak to me from that moment until i left. When I started my new job it took me ages to settle into having a job without the bullying but oh gosh what a joy it has been. I am valued, listened to and i know i am good at my job. You may feel rock bottom now but please take the leap as it is amazing when you work somewhere good.

flabbygoldfish · 14/02/2023 14:21

The people who interviewed you thought you could do the job which is why they offered it to you. See if you can get it back.. you have nothing to lose.

meanwhile keep all contact with toxic boss to a minimum and next time you resign just hand it in and walk away.

momtoboys · 14/02/2023 14:22

Don't contact the other company and tell them you have changed your mind again. They will think you are daft. If you are willing to put up with this work relationship, nothing we say here will help. You will either put on your big girl knickers and get out of there or you will spend the rest of your life miserable. Entirely your choice.

Zanatdy · 14/02/2023 14:23

Contact the other company and explain. Ask if they can do references last and give you a quick start date so you can just walk out, and tell him over message. What a truly awful man.

Daizie · 14/02/2023 14:25

The new company won't think you're daft with the right explanation. Life's too short to hold back in case someone thinks you're daft!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 14:26

momtoboys · 14/02/2023 14:22

Harsh. Op is trying to get away from this man. She needs bolstering, not berating.

PauliesWalnuts · 14/02/2023 14:26

If you can't get back in with the new job, you need to:

look for a new job
go on a course on how to deal with difficult people
when you do finally resign, do it by letter, and do not be drawn into a discussion or exit interview with him.

Daizie · 14/02/2023 14:28

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 14:26

Harsh. Op is trying to get away from this man. She needs bolstering, not berating.

Show quote history

I thought the same, just no need for some people!

PuffedWheat · 14/02/2023 14:28

This is really sad to read - you worked really hard at presenting yourself in interview and then allowed him space in your head to undo all the positivity you created. As pp have said, it’s time to take back control.

This is a job. It’s not ‘family’, it’s not ‘the only place for you’ or ‘the only place you can be successful’. You don’t owe anyone anything except work in exchange for a pay cheque. Anything more than that is off the table.

If the previous role is now off the table, dust off the CV and put it straight back out there. Your boss knows you’re looking/are being approached; his behaviour could (not saying it will) escalate to breaking you down even further; alternatively you could find yourself being bombarded with compliments and recognition in an effort to convince you that this is ‘your place’.

Just know it’s all BS - self-serving bosses will do anything necessary to keep you where they need you. Close your ears to all other noise and focus on what is good and right for you.

When you come to resign again, send an email.

Weedoormatnomore · 14/02/2023 14:37

You don't need to speak to your boss about resigning. In future just do a letter and had it over. Also sounds like you need help ! to compare a boss to being an abusive relationship is very strange. Having been in one and worked for a boss who was controlling they do not compare at all. Why do you need to go on sick ?

donquixotedelamancha · 14/02/2023 14:41

If you were the Directors at the new job, would you think it was insane behaviour?

If they think that they won't hire you. Just say that the counter offer made by your current employer has turned out to be not quite as good as you were led to believe and you'd like to change your mind.

YesitsBess · 14/02/2023 14:44

Your new job believed in you enough to give it to you. You've had some great advice here, you can do this!

I had one of these, didn't even last a year before I spoke my mind, life is too short for this bollocks. I was followed in quick succession by two colleagues who were almost waiting for someone else to give them a reason to quit.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 14/02/2023 14:44

Please use one of the suggestions here to get out. You deserve freedom & normality. Don't stay with this appalling man.

Christmaspyjamas · 14/02/2023 14:45

Having been in a similar situation I advise you:

Resign today
Live off savings / benefits
Apply for new roles

You have to quit to break your dependence on his approval.

You have to quit your job.

If you cannot psychologically do this you will need the support of a therapist until you can.

Daizie · 14/02/2023 14:45

Just say that the counter offer made by your current employer has turned out to be not quite as good as you were led to believe and you'd like to change your mind.

I'd be weary with this, could come across the wrong way and make you look grabby.

MzHz · 14/02/2023 14:46

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:40

I don't think I could do the new role, I don't think I'd be good enough. I've told them I won't accept now.

Get on the phone now and tell them you’re coming back to them and apologise for mucking them about.

stop letting this piss poor example of a boss fuck up your life.

Don’t let him do this to you. Sign off sick if you need to but shut him out of your life today

mamakoukla · 14/02/2023 14:48

Please leave. It will never get better and it will continue to erode you. It’s not healthy.

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