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Original poster

Emotionally manipulative boss

282 replies

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:32

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

OP posts:
MzHz · 14/02/2023 14:49

Don’t bother with the counter offer

“I was assured that the reasons I was leaving would be address and resolved, they categorically won’t be and I’ve made my final decision to leave and if NewCompany will have me back, ill sign the contract today”

flabbygoldfish · 14/02/2023 14:52

Bear in mind toxic boss is bullying you to stay because no one else will stand for his bullshit.

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 14:58

Weedoormatnomore · 14/02/2023 14:37

You don't need to speak to your boss about resigning. In future just do a letter and had it over. Also sounds like you need help ! to compare a boss to being an abusive relationship is very strange. Having been in one and worked for a boss who was controlling they do not compare at all. Why do you need to go on sick ?

I have also been in an abusive relationship and the feelings are very similar. I work very long hours, 10 hours every day so it does compare, although I can leave at the end of the day he is on the phone/text/email most of the evening.

I don't need to go on the sick, I'm not sure where you got that from? I was using the sick pay as an example of his meanness.

OP posts:
Randobelia · 14/02/2023 15:02

But he's your boss. Not your boyfriend/husband/partner/friend. Who gives a fuck if he's on the phone - don't answer. You're not obligated to speak to him.

What are you thinking about things now?

SomethingOnce · 14/02/2023 15:03

Call the new job (or email to start with so you have total control over the approach) and GTFO from under this man. Do it now, there’s nothing to lose.

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 15:06

Thanks so much for all the positive advice. I am not in a good place and don't feel I can do the new job. I feel if I approached them again that a. they'd think I'd had a bash to the head, and b. I couldn't do the job anyway. I need to work on my self esteem first.

OP posts:
xILikeJamx · 14/02/2023 15:08

OP will you please listen to everyone and phone the new job co right away, apologise and say you were swayed by a counter-offer from current employer but you realise that new job is the right direction etc etc.

The worst that can happen is they say "No sorry" and you're where you still are now. Ideal scenario is they offer you the job again. It's a no lose phone call - the quicker you do it the better!

SomethingOnce · 14/02/2023 15:10

They wouldn’t have offered you the job if they didn’t think you could do it. You can do it - you absolutely can.

There are so many ideas for how to make your approach, why not just try and see what happens?

Daizie · 14/02/2023 15:10

OP, there's really no time like the present. The longer you stay there the worse he's going to get under your skin. I'd suggest you try and get some counselling, as this isn't a normal reaction to getting a better offer.

SomethingOnce · 14/02/2023 15:13

OP, how can we incentivise you to give it a whirl??

PuffedWheat · 14/02/2023 15:15

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 15:06

Thanks so much for all the positive advice. I am not in a good place and don't feel I can do the new job. I feel if I approached them again that a. they'd think I'd had a bash to the head, and b. I couldn't do the job anyway. I need to work on my self esteem first.

I say this with love, but how is staying in the job you’re in help you work on your self-esteem?

SomethingOnce · 14/02/2023 15:16

It’s only quarter past three...

Thewheelweavesasthewheelwills · 14/02/2023 15:17

You need to leave this job! Yours sounds much worst but I had an awful boss/ job. I eventually walked out but was emotionally manipulated into coming back too for another few months until the company eventually went under. It destroyed me. I would never do it to myself again. NO job it worth it.

Reach out to the new employer, apologise for 'arsing them around' but that after further reflection you believe with them is the right choice. All they can do is say they've offered to someone else

BUT GET OUT OF THAT JOB NOW

Bemoreatticus · 14/02/2023 15:17

Contact the company who offered you the job "dear company, I was wondering if the job offer was still available? I turned down your original offer based on loyalty to my existing employer but on reflection I can see this is an opportunity that I do not wish to pass on"

If they offer you the job..grab it and give your notice in writing. Don't stop to think and don't let your boss get to you. Throw yourself into your new role. In a different environment you will flourish.

If the job offer is no longer available, start searching for something similar. You must get away from your current situation.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 14/02/2023 15:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

This! Call them today!

if they say yes run to it!

Cinecitta · 14/02/2023 15:27

Excuse me but why did you let him emotionally manipulate you not to change your job? How does “emotional” manipulation happen in a work-place setting anyway? As you stated, your relationship is purely professional with him. So how could he use emotions to waver you? And if you are in a senior role, why is your self esteem so low? This all sounds very unprofessional from both of you. Who the fuck is this person to you? Nobody. A boss. Bosses come and go. Literally.
I don’t mean it out of malice but there’s nobody to blame in this situation but you. It was you who said no to the job, not your boss.

Kate8990 · 14/02/2023 15:45

If I was you I'd walk out now. Things always seem worse when you're in it in terms of leaving, you think I couldn't possibly! And because he's playing mind games with you, you feel confused and beaten down, unsure of what to do. Bullies are cowards, remember that. It happened in my last job, my boss was an absolute C**t and the only thing I regret is not leaving sooner. After 2 years I'd had enough and already struggling with mental health issues, I was really in the shitter in the end. Just leave and don't look back.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/02/2023 15:51

Why on earth didn’t you resign and take the new job? You can’t blame this on your boss. You need to take responsibility for your own life and career and get the hell away from your horrible boss, not let him persuade you to stay.

Original poster
JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 15:54

Cinecitta · 14/02/2023 15:27

Excuse me but why did you let him emotionally manipulate you not to change your job? How does “emotional” manipulation happen in a work-place setting anyway? As you stated, your relationship is purely professional with him. So how could he use emotions to waver you? And if you are in a senior role, why is your self esteem so low? This all sounds very unprofessional from both of you. Who the fuck is this person to you? Nobody. A boss. Bosses come and go. Literally.
I don’t mean it out of malice but there’s nobody to blame in this situation but you. It was you who said no to the job, not your boss.

Thank you for your empathy. There is little point explaining to you how emotional manipulation works, don't think you'd understand,

Thanks so much to those offering help and advice, I am listening.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/02/2023 15:55

OP, you are the only person holding yourself back. Yes, the company that approached you may not respond positively. But if they dont, so what? It wont feel good for a while but perhaps that will be a motivator? As for your boss, is this someone whose opinion you trust? If not, why trust what he says about you? Especially since this doe not sound like someone who is very truthful, and who has a vested interest in keeping you under his thumb.

Kate8990 · 14/02/2023 15:56

@JudithChalmersIsMyMum I completely understand if it helps 💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 15:57

You’re going about this backwards op. Trust me, when you get out, your self esteem will improve immensely and you will be able to do this job.

DismantledKing · 14/02/2023 16:01

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 15:54

Thank you for your empathy. There is little point explaining to you how emotional manipulation works, don't think you'd understand,

Thanks so much to those offering help and advice, I am listening.

Show quote history

Well, stop ‘listening’ and sitting around on here and get in touch with the other company now You’re like a rabbit frozen in the headlights.

Dippyeggz · 14/02/2023 16:03

This is weird. Just leave?

JudgeRudy · 14/02/2023 16:04

This has been a tough lesson for you. Sometimes you have to come down before you can lift yourself up. You're starting to see things for what they really are, and recognise patterns in your own behaviour. Don't be too down on yourself. You know what you dhould have fine but you didn't. Let it go and work towards your future.
You might find this useful
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Remember too, as a solo parent your behaviour will influence the adults your child(ren) become. There's time to change.

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