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Original poster

Emotionally manipulative boss

282 replies

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:32

I've name changed as this is probably outing.
I'm in a situation and I need some advice - this isn't a case of just leaving a job - that is the problem.

I feel I am being abused emotionally by my boss. To be very clear I have a purely professional relationship with him, but he is a bully and a narcissist. I've seen this over many years. He's awful to his wife and children. He's a truly unpleasant individual.

I was recently head hunted and offered a new position - it was a fabulous opportunity. I spoke to my current boss and he has emotionally manipulated the situation and I have turned down the job offer (after first accepting). I feel awful as I've messed everyone at the new company around.

It is a small company with no HR department. My boss flirts with the rules of employment and actually doesn't care. He hates people going on holiday, doesn't pay sick leave, and is mostly vile 90% of the time. I know sick leave doesn't have to be paid and I have never been off sick (too afraid to do so).
I thought I'd managed to escape but he's so bloody clever and is back to bullying me again today after the emotions of yesterday.

I've been here 3 years and I feel like I'm in a abusive relationship if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Pleasecreateausername13 · 14/02/2023 19:06

If the new job is yours OP, I go straight into work tomorrow and hand in your notice with immediate affect. Do not give this guy anymore chances to belittle you before you leave.

Do it OP!! You have the strength now!!!

xJoy · 14/02/2023 19:08

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 13:39

I had a conversation with him to resign, he manipulated, goaded, mocked and undermined me to a level that my self esteem was rock bottom and I feel I wouldn't be any good at the new role.

Wow, I can imagine how this could happen. Can you see a therapist. Obviously you can reapply for other opportunities but you need to get things clear in your head and detach from him

He has trained you to see things through his eyes not your own.

Good luck
You can recalibrate but no harm getting help from a therapist.
Applying for jobs is draining at the best of times. You put all the work in and ended up nowhere.

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 19:09

Grab this opportunity and don’t look back.

Be careful about saying too much about imposter syndrome, anxiety or a crap boss etc as you have already messed them about and if they feel you are flaky they won’t take you.

Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.

Keep telling yourself how you are more than capable of doing it and keep saying positive things about yourself.

Your inner voice will keep saying negative things but you just need to drown it out.

You have been given a second chance.
Don’t ruin it.

gah2teenagers · 14/02/2023 19:11

He hasn’t tried to get you to stay because you are rubbish think about it. Go for it we are all behind you

Cocobutt · 14/02/2023 19:11

If when you hand your notice in tomorrow your boss says something nasty then make an excuse to go to the bathroom and get some advice on here about what to say back to him.

Use the fact that you think he’s manipulative and a bully should be pushing you to want to leave and not feel bad about it.

Choconut · 14/02/2023 19:13

You are only questioning yourself because of what your current boss said. How long will you allow him to hold you back and keep you down?

Take the job. If you can't face your boss afterwards or are at risk of being manipulated by him again then put in your notice and go on the sick, get signed off for the month with stress and then start the new job. Once at the new job put in place boundaries. Do not work 10 hours a day and then be on call all evening.

Please get help with healthy boundaries, self esteem, people pleasing, imposter syndrome and any other issues you have. Stop doubting yourself and letting arsehole men pull you down. You know you are brilliant at your job so take what you deserve.

Glittertwins · 14/02/2023 19:13

Go for it. Accept the new role and walk out with your head held high. This is a great opportunity to improve everything and get away from this bully.

Foreverhope1 · 14/02/2023 19:15

JudithChalmersIsMyMum · 14/02/2023 18:49

The new company called me! Well the recruitment agent. I was going to dodge the call but buoyed from your comments I answered. The door is once again ajar for me. I have overnight to think about it. The agent has said they really want me. I blamed it on imposter syndrome, which it also is.

Great news!! Please accept the role tomorrow morning without fail. In fact just type out the email tonight before you bottle it. I wish we could be there to hold your hand through this. Don't resign till you've had the offer in writing. You'll be fab in a fresh new environment, don't over think it ♥️♥️♥️

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2023 19:20

That’s fantastic news! Please accept. They obviously think your amazing.

You need the offer in writing and maybe even your contract, the agent will advise you on this. Once you have these, email your resignation as your final an indisputable decision.

If needed, go off sick. Don’t sabotage your future for this month’s salary.

Motnight · 14/02/2023 19:21

Go for it, Op. This is a fantastic opportunity.

Coka · 14/02/2023 19:22

We got u OP, listen to all these people here supporting you. You can do this !! Do u have any savings to go off sick for your notice period? Then you can spend that time preparing and getting ready. You said you need to work on yourself and build your confidence, the new job is the place to do that, not your current toxic job. The fact they contacted you again shows how much they want you!

Bemoreatticus · 14/02/2023 19:28

Fabulous news. Accept the job. Do not question your ability. How will ANY job be worse than the situation you are in now?

Even if settling is in hard I can guarantee that your new employers will be more supportive than your current boss.

Phone and accept asap. Hand in written notice. Brace yourself for the emotional barrage you will receive from your boss. Respond by saying "this is why I am leaving". Walk away. Refuse to engage. Start counting the days on your calendar until you can leave...hopefully you have some holiday owing. Get ready for the rest of your life.

Goodread1 · 14/02/2023 19:34

Hi Op

Go for it,

We all believe you are capable of doing this new job/role now and in the future too,

Even your Shit boss knows you are more than capable of doing new job role too,

that's why he tried to do a big Number on you so much,

As he really needed to undermine so you would be so down trodden ect, that it would cloud your judgement to such an extant that he knew you would second guess your self work ,

You have luckily been giving another chance opportunity

Best of luck

Goodread1 · 14/02/2023 19:36

Yes I second that, just send an email to say yes you will accepting this new job role in new company

Flossiemoss · 14/02/2023 19:42

Fake it til you make it!
You clearly impressed at interview and they haven’t been put off by a wobble. Accept the job tomorrow and hand notice in as soon as you can.

Then take your power back. waltz into mad boss tomorrow morning with a “don’t give a shit about you” attitude and observe him seething all day. You don’t have to tell him anything about your life and you don’t owe him any consideration. Good luck and take pleasure in massively pissing off this horror of a boss. With some luck he’ll shorten your notice period once he realises you’re not under his control.

SomethingOnce · 14/02/2023 19:49

I'll handle your boss if you want!

@YesitsBess, I’ll hold your coat!

EBearhug · 14/02/2023 19:59

Please do take the new job. You can do it, and we're all behind you.

(I've just finished 19 years in a job I initially turned down...)

Ketchupwee · 14/02/2023 20:05

OP, as someone in a Senior Management position who also suffers from terrible imposter syndrome, I hear you.

But the fact is working for this man is destroying you, in the same way being with an abusive partner wears you down and makes you think you are useless and lucky that he stays with you.

Your new company wouldn't have made the offer if they didn't think you can do it, you just need to believe in yourself (which will be a whole lot easier without him chipping away) Give it a go

Daizie · 14/02/2023 20:10

@SomethingOnce and I'll hold yours 🤣🙏

mamakoukla · 14/02/2023 20:40

I don’t think you need to wait until tomorrow.

They want to hire you and you want the job. What’s the worst that can happen? It doesn’t work out. But at least you won’t have to work with your current boss. Please don’t hesitate in accepting the new position.

I regret not leaving a similar situation sooner. Much much sooner.

you’ve got this xxx

Stopthebusplease · 14/02/2023 20:50

I agree with all the others OP, you CAN do it! Deep down you KNOW you can, and as for the bastard who currently employs you, why do you think he doesn't want you to go? First, it's because he knows he'll have difficulty finding someone as good as you at the job. Secondly, I'm guessing he's probably not been paying you what you're worth, and knows that to replace you he'll have to pay a lot more, which being as tight as he obviously is, won't come easy to him. Finally, deep down, he probably knows there aren't many who will put up with the shit he puts you through, which is why he doesn't want to let you go.

So as soon as you've had sight of the letter offering the job, and ideally a contract, just email your notice to him. Short and sweet, I resign, I'm giving 'X' amount of notice, and finish on 'X' day. If he tackles you about it, then just say, you tried to make me doubt my abilities last time I gave notice, it won't work this time, so just save your breath, and then walk away, or put the phone down, but DO NOT engage OR listen to anything he says, after all, having given your notice, and having a fantastic job to go to, what can he do to you? He can't give you detention, like he might have if he were a teacher in school. He can't sack you, because you've already quit. So PLEASE just ignore any crap that he comes out with, and just get on with your duties of the day.

Oh, and just in case you still have any doubts whatsoever, most people are over the moon to be able to say they've been HEAD HUNTED! It's a sign that they are rated, and well thought of. Be proud OP, you can do this!

Phineyj · 14/02/2023 20:51

I changed job last autumn.

I should have done it years before.

It took a couple of months to settle in but I'm so glad I did it.

Do it! P.S. Good therapy after working for someone spectacularly horrid is to make it into a novel. I had a lot of fun with it in the end.

LindorDoubleChoc · 14/02/2023 20:59

No. It doesn't make sense at all. Just leave. Go to the other job. Come on!

Thewheelweavesasthewheelwills · 14/02/2023 20:59

Take the job. Hand in your notice tomorrow and watch you life get better!

Oblomov23 · 14/02/2023 21:03

You seem to have no self esteem at all. Irrespective of boss. Why on earth did you not take the new job. Why dye you husband let you not take it. This is so sad to read. What do you plan to do next? Apply for other jobs?