Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

290 replies

Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 06:16

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

OP posts:
My2pence2day · 13/02/2023 06:20

I think you should just wait until the baby comes and then see how you feel rather than overthinking everything now

BiasedBinding · 13/02/2023 06:21

Bonding question aside, you are talking about two different kinds of overnight trips. Birthday/hen do trips are optional, work trips usually are not. Of course you are going to get different feelings about whether you should go or not. The comparator would be whether mothers who go back to work after a short maternity leave go on overnight work trips - and yes, of course they do if it’s a requirement of their job.

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 06:23

I can’t believe that was the consensus on those threads.

No mums are not closer than dads to their babies unless the mum & dad have made it that way by their actions from birth onwards.

The problem is this societal message of a mystic mother and baby bond and the old patriarchal trope that mum knows baby best. The pressure on mums to be 24/7 with their newborn is immense. And then if you do this, every day you are not handing baby off for equal time with dad is a day you are making this into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Babies bond with whoever cares for them from birth onwards. If you want dad to have the same bond as you, then you have to start with dad being equally hands on from birth. This can be done even if breastfeeding, as the actual time feeding is very small and dads can hold a fed baby to sleep.

Zanatdy · 13/02/2023 06:23

My boyfriend has full custody of his kids and I’d dispute their mum loves them more, I mean she walked out when one was 6 months old. Women are judged (often by other women) for leaving their kids, especially babies when men don’t bat an eyelid

Oysterbabe · 13/02/2023 06:23

In general, yes mums are more attached to their babies. I think it's a natural biological reaction. When breastfeeding was the only option, mums were essential to the baby's survival and dads weren't.

greenspaces4peace · 13/02/2023 06:24

MN is odd, absolutely zero harm in going away a few hours or an odd day. Competitive parenting at its worse.
Since men don’t carry the baby for nine months they generally are not as attached.

mybunniesandme · 13/02/2023 06:26

In short yes if you are BF as you'd be their only source of food. Bit different if you are planning on bottle feeding only

bozzabollix · 13/02/2023 06:29

I guess this comes down to who is the main caregiver, which due to biology usually falls to women. That responsibility ultimately makes you feel guilty and/or worried about leaving them. Kids will then be more hardwired to be upset about you going too. In my house my husband can be working all hours and the kids barely notice, but if I go anywhere too long there’s upset. So I guess most men aren’t quite as affected by guilt at missing out as they might not have as much ‘doooooooooon’t goooooo!’.

All differs in each family though.

I’m also amazed by how many men can leave their own family easily too. No way could I leave my kids.

WeWereInParis · 13/02/2023 06:29

BiasedBinding · 13/02/2023 06:21

Bonding question aside, you are talking about two different kinds of overnight trips. Birthday/hen do trips are optional, work trips usually are not. Of course you are going to get different feelings about whether you should go or not. The comparator would be whether mothers who go back to work after a short maternity leave go on overnight work trips - and yes, of course they do if it’s a requirement of their job.

I agree. Plus in the case of OP's birthday trip, the baby wouldn't be left with someone they know as well, they'd be left with a grandparent. That will also get different answers to one parent going away and leaving the baby with the other parent.

newyearsamesh1t · 13/02/2023 06:31

I don't think mums are more attached than dads, it's the societal norm for dads to go back to work and mum to take maternity leave. The hormones post birth can make it feel really hard and make some mums not want to leave the baby, dads don't get that hormone rush.

Fwiw I left my baby with my mum overnight when she was 3 weeks old just so I could rest. I imagine a lot of people would think that was bad but it was what I needed. Myself and DH went on hol abroad for 2 nights when dd was 3 and I found it really hard but so did he as we were so far away. Ultimately, you won't know how you'll feel until baby is born and you can only do what's right for you and your family, other peoples beliefs are not really important as each experience is different. Good luck x

Prettybutdumb · 13/02/2023 06:34

I would say men can be generally more selfish when a baby comes along. They find out that babies cry and are extremely hard work and when we had our first I found my wonderfully caring husband doing anything possible to not be anywhere near that. Longer working hours and going to the pub a million times with mates new and old to ‘celebrate’ becoming a father - the irony!

Not an isolated case, either. It was interesting to see pretty much all of my friends going through the same: their husbands/ partners started going to the pub frequently and regularly, working longer hours, taking up hobbies, deciding that they should start going to the gym few times a week.

Oysterbabe · 13/02/2023 06:34

I found the Paris thread. It wasn't unanimous at all. Some said go, some said wait and see how you feel, some said go and take the baby, some said they would not have been ready.

BiasedBinding · 13/02/2023 06:37

Oysterbabe · 13/02/2023 06:34

I found the Paris thread. It wasn't unanimous at all. Some said go, some said wait and see how you feel, some said go and take the baby, some said they would not have been ready.

I suspected that would be the case

neighboursmustliveon · 13/02/2023 06:40

Hormones make a big difference. You have grown this baby, gone through a hugely physical and emotional birthing process and then need time to heal. I think nature naturally makes a mum want to stay and protect the baby but dads don't have the same physical response as they haven't physically gone through anything.

Everyone is different. I've heard of mums who went away for a week when baby was 6 weeks old. I do think they are in the minority though. With my first we went to a local pub for a meal for our wedding anniversary. My cousin was babysitting and we were 10 mins away walking. After 45 minutes we had eaten and just sat looking at each other... we both agreed we needed to get back. I wasn't comfortable being away from our son for so long.

Indigoshift · 13/02/2023 06:41

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

It can take 6 weeks or more to feel ' 'normal'again. Bleeding, tears,stitches, thrush, cystitis, mastitis, wetting yourself, pulled muscles, bad back, hormones, baby blues and more. I would say not ready for these reasons not because you can't leave the baby. It's a big shock to your body that Dads don't have.

MeanCanadianLady · 13/02/2023 06:41

It’s more about the fact that the baby will not cope well. Has anyone talked to you about the fourth trimester? Mothers are all the baby knows for the first three months. You’re the vessel it knew its entire life and your scent sound, heart beat and touch are all it knows. Everything and everyone else is foreign to it. So in that sense yes you will feel more guilty about leaving it then your husband will because once it is born you will realize that baby does not care that your husband is its father. Not that the baby will hate him but he’s just not as familiar to the baby as you are. Trust me my husband and father were very deeply bonded at six months and she is a full on daddy’s girl now. But when she was very small all she wanted was me. So I felt this huge responsibility on my shoulders to do everything I could to make her comfortable. It’s just best not to make any big plans because so much changes when they are born and everything is just very different. It can be really overwhelming.

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 06:42

Oysterbabe · 13/02/2023 06:34

I found the Paris thread. It wasn't unanimous at all. Some said go, some said wait and see how you feel, some said go and take the baby, some said they would not have been ready.

Thank you, I didn’t think it could be unanimous. Usually there is a variety of opinions.

MeanCanadianLady · 13/02/2023 06:43

husband and baby * goodness autocorrect is really biting me on the butt today!

Indigoshift · 13/02/2023 06:44

I left my dd after 4 weeks to go to an important function wasn't far away. We both just ended up sleeping.

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 06:46

Has anyone talked to you about the fourth trimester? Mothers are all the baby knows for the first three months. You’re the vessel it knew its entire life and your scent sound, heart beat and touch are all it knows. Everything and everyone else is foreign to it.

Sorry but this is the old patriarchal trope of mothers place is with her baby recycled & rebranded for the modern age as a “fourth trimester”.

It’s not true that mum is all baby knows. Babies have been shown to recognise the voices of all family members FROM BIRTH. The voices they regularly heard in the womb, they know them. Father, siblings, grandparents, the lot.

Baby knows whoever cares for baby from birth. If it’s always mum for the first three months, then that is all they will know but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Original poster
Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 06:47

@MeanCanadianLady I suppose I'm just finding it hard to comprehend at the moment as I've never had a baby before. You may well be right and I'll realise once baby is here. But I don't see how I will be 'all baby knows' when DH will be doing loads with them too.

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 13/02/2023 06:48

Women generally are more baby focused in the early days. You’ve carried it around for 9 months so you want them close. It’s nature. One of the reasons some women leak milk when their baby cries. Your body is still in tune with the baby’s needs. Men don’t normally have this connection. It’s basically a small stranger that cries a lot and keeps everyone awake. My dh is a good dad but I didn’t see him really look in love until baby was a few months old. That said all women are different so some definitely will be happy to leave baby for varying amounts of times.

Original poster
Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 06:49

@Eatentoomanyroses I suppose I've been ignoring the obvious difference that it's my body they'll have been living in till they are born!

OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 13/02/2023 06:50

This feels all back to front to me - surely it's about who baby feels closer to, and the effects on them. That's mam in almost every scenario - even rubbish ones

Original poster
Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 06:52

@FabFitFifties I suppose I was hoping baby will feel equally close to both of us?

OP posts: