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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

290 replies

Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 06:16

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/02/2023 07:34

Imo a mother baby bond is different to that of a father baby bond- and that’s different to love. But actually the issue of going away is the physically toll of having pretty much just given birth and carried a baby for 9 months.

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 13/02/2023 07:36

DH and I are genuinely equal parents - TBH he is probably the primary caregiver now - but that didn't properly start until the babies were 6 months plus because yes biology and hormones make things different in the early days.

Nowthenhere · 13/02/2023 07:36

I would research other cultures and customs relating to babies and parenting newborns.

It may give you an insight into why so many generations of families flourish when baby doesn't leave the mum for sometimes 40 days.

BringerOfDoom · 13/02/2023 07:37

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 07:31

I’m not angry in the slightest. After all I’m not the one swearing at posters making wild accusations.

There is no mystic mother baby bond. All bonds are created after birth…so yes they exist but only after you make them. Baby isn’t born bonded to you. Many parents with babies that spend months after birth in the NICU know this first hand. They have to go and visit and talk and touch their baby to develop the bond. Adopted babies have no bond with their birth mum, that’s why older adoptees miss the bond…

But old patriarchal beliefs die hard imho. We complain about the gender pay gap and then act like maternity leave of at least a year is inevitable. It’s not. It’s how society has set things up, based on the belief that a woman’s place is at home with the baby.

If you want to be home with baby, that’s ok. But it’s incorrect to tell women that it is biology and instinct and all this stuff that makes women think they are unnatural if that isn’t what they want to do. Then adding in the mum guilt by saying baby biologically is wired to need mum…that’s also not correct….baby doesn’t really care who is the primary caregiver so long as they have one.

I’m not angry, I’m pointing out that what you call biology and instinct and so on is really societal expectations and beliefs that prop up gender roles.

Show quote history

Idk you did come off as very rude to pp. If you weren’t angry perhaps you could have mustered up an apology instead of recommending her some medication and abusing her of PTSD.

musingsinmidlife · 13/02/2023 07:37

This board skews very traditional / conservative with traditional gender roles and pretty negative views on dads / men.

Do not take anything on this board as anything other than random people who may have entirely different beliefs and viewpoints and opinions and experiences than you. It isn't advice, it is just posts. Some people post to be contrary, some post pretending they are someone they aren't, some just like to stir up issues, some like to give posters a hard time and make them feel bad.

Have your baby and then do what is right for you. You and DH might feel perfectly ready to go away or you may not. Your DH is definitely more than able to bond just like you are and care for the baby just like you can. Do what is right for you and don't worry if other people think it is right or not.

electricmoccasins · 13/02/2023 07:38

Babies are more bonded to their mothers first few months of life. They won’t even recognise they are a separate person from you. They lived in you, know your smell, your voice; their heartbeat is likely synced with yours. If you sleep near each other (as you should when very young), you might even enter REM sleep at the same time. That is biological fact. So yes, babies are more bonded to their mothers. And mothers to their babies. It’s primal.

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 07:39

musingsinmidlife · 13/02/2023 07:37

This board skews very traditional / conservative with traditional gender roles and pretty negative views on dads / men.

Do not take anything on this board as anything other than random people who may have entirely different beliefs and viewpoints and opinions and experiences than you. It isn't advice, it is just posts. Some people post to be contrary, some post pretending they are someone they aren't, some just like to stir up issues, some like to give posters a hard time and make them feel bad.

Have your baby and then do what is right for you. You and DH might feel perfectly ready to go away or you may not. Your DH is definitely more than able to bond just like you are and care for the baby just like you can. Do what is right for you and don't worry if other people think it is right or not.

^This is good advice.

RichardHeed · 13/02/2023 07:42

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Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 07:42

BringerOfDoom · 13/02/2023 07:37

Idk you did come off as very rude to pp. If you weren’t angry perhaps you could have mustered up an apology instead of recommending her some medication and abusing her of PTSD.

Show quote history

EMDR isn’t medication. It’s therapy I had for my PTSD. If a general discussion on baby care is triggering someone to say how they almost died in childbirth and telling a poster “fuck you” when the thread isn’t even about childbirth, then there is a high likelihood of undiagnosed PTSD. There is nothing wrong with my suggesting that poster seek help for her birth trauma.

Onnabugeisha · 13/02/2023 07:45

I would research other cultures and customs relating to babies and parenting newborns.. Well since women are almost universally oppressed especially when they become mothers, this isnt going to have any answers other than other cultures also believe and expect mum to be with baby 24/7.

Camillialane · 13/02/2023 07:46

Social conditioning and patriarchal values play a role too. A baby will be attached to whoever looks after then when they are born. If both parents do that, they will be comforted by and attached to both/either. I think women become more closely bonded than men partly because of the condemnation they get for taking any time away from their baby. Men are not subjected to that, so are less involved in care, so are less closely bonded. The Paris thread is a fantastic example of that. Objectively there's nothing wrong with the suggestion of going to Paris. And yet, the response!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/02/2023 07:48

It had nothing to do with any patriarchal stuff, but I would have found it very hard to leave either of mine for any length of time. 2 hours shopping was about the limit, certainly when they were still BF. It was a very visceral thing, but I know not everybody feels the same.

I was once astonished when a friend (non Brit) told me she’d left her 4 week old first baby with her parents, to go on holiday with her dh for a month. No way could I ever have done that, but she evidently thought it nothing unusual.

LittleLegoWoman · 13/02/2023 07:49

@Onnabugeisha
What science are you reading?
Of course nurture matters, and the role dad’s play from birth onwards is crucial to the bond they develop with their babies.
But why on earth do you think babies are a blank slate at birth? What evidence do you have that human mothers and their babies have no instinctual attachment to each other? Why do you think nature doesn’t count for anything? Because it doesn’t suit your world view? Because it’s inconvenient?
You also totally exclude the role of nurture before birth. - well, almost. You say babies recognize the voices of whoever they heard in the womb. But I’m assuming you didn’t actually go and look up any studies or even think about it for more than 3 seconds. 3 minutes on google scholar will show you that babies prefer their mum’s voice at birth. Even in studies where the mother and father both read to the unborn baby before birth. It’s not that surprising - they hear every word their pregnant mother utters from the time their hearing develops, and the sound can pass through the mother’s body as well as through the air around her. They hear their father when he is close enough and when their hearing is powerful enough.

MeanCanadianLady · 13/02/2023 07:50

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Thanks for the tip. I will try to keep that in mind.

Roselilly36 · 13/02/2023 07:52

Many congrats OP Flowers

I can only speak of my experience of becoming a mum. When the little bundle arrives, everything changes, inc my relationship with DH, not necessarily for the worst, but it evolves, as the baby becomes the priority. Things that were important to me before aren’t so much.

Enjoy every minute, they grow up fast, my DS’s are adults now and DH & I still put them first!

Twizbe · 13/02/2023 07:53

A 1 day old baby is different to a 1 week old, to a 1 month old to a 1 year old and so on.

At birth babies are driven by nothing but instinct with very limited eye sight. Instinct drives them to crawl to their mother's breast. (Look up breastcrawl it's amazing to watch)

As the days and weeks go by other influences take over and instinct changes.

It's the same for you. Instinct runs strong at first but as adults we can ignore it a bit. We might not want to though.

Dad doesn't have the same instincts as baby. He hasn't been through the same process as mum.

He can love and care for his child though. Right now 6 year old DS is snuggling with dad not me.

HRTQueen · 13/02/2023 07:53

No it isn’t

our bodies are designed to protect and feed our babies a man won’t feel the rush of milk when his baby is hungry he won’t wake from sleep a few seconds before his baby knowing his baby is about to wake needing something he won’t feel physical aches and pains a mother often does

many mothers as children get older will feel their child needs them even if not physically in the same place

a man can be a father a not know in cases of babies being swapped at birth the mothers have nearly all said they felt this wasn’t their baby

its nature we are biological these bonds can be built but for a mother they are there (mostly) that is not the patriarch informing us it’s our own bodies with father it’s learnt

I find this dismal of how vital our role is as undermining to women as any sexist nonsense of women shouldn’t work or have a career

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 13/02/2023 07:53

My husband was devastated going back to work after 2 weeks off but had saved annual leave so he could do reduced hours for a while. He was ringing all the time and wanting pictures and couldn't wait to get home each night and got up earlier for work so he could spend time before he went to work.
Our daughter stayed at my mams when she was 6 months when we went away for my birthday for 1 night she was 15 mins away and as soon as we checked out we went to get her. The next time she was nearly 1 and a half. That was what we felt comfortable with.

The thing is work isn't an option, you need money to live. Going away is a choice.
It's not about who is attached more. My husband has a lovely bond with our daughter and doesn't like being away from her

Nimbostratus100 · 13/02/2023 07:54

evolutionary and biologically very different roles, with the mothers role more on the providing warmth and milk, and the fathers role providing resources and protection, for the first few weeks at least. So the natural inclination is for the female to stay closer and the male range further, in the nurture of a newborn

Obviously, we all vary to the extent that we biologically fulfill each role, but really, its just wait and see, there is no right or wrong.

bakewellbride · 13/02/2023 07:56

It's not about how the adults feel but about how the baby feels imo. With mine I couldn't have left them when they were very young. Sure dh loves them just as much as me but they grew in my womb hearing my voice 24/7 etc and therefore crave that closeness to me and no-one else. Everyone thinks differently but that's my opinion.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 13/02/2023 07:56

But... when my baby cried my breasts leaked with milk. If was away from her (even just having a bath) I ached for her to be next to me. I could hear her before my husband through the night.
I cant describe the maternal instincts I have. They are just there, she came from me and I carried her for 9 months. She is part of me

Isthisexpected · 13/02/2023 07:56

I think if you re-read those threads you'll see a lot of the replies were about what's best for BABY Which is being as close as possible to the primary caregiver during the fourth trimester. It's the mother's heartbeat, touch and smell baby craves, no one else's. It's also much better for baby if you TRY to breastfeed.

gemloving · 13/02/2023 07:57

The love is incomprehensible before the baby is born. If you don't have children, it is impossible to understand this unconditional love you will feel. Men are wired differently but do let me know if you'd like to go for an overnight work trip 2 weeks after you've given birth but everyone is different. You're still bleeding, and I don't know, your body is still recovering. It always took me 6 weeks to feel normal again but again, everyone is different.

My first trip away was when my DS1 was 3 months for my friend's hen do, I was MOH. I did. breastfeed and pumped whilst there. It was ok and I had fun. Everyone tried breast milk whilst drunk which was hilarious at the times.

I wouldn't have put the strain on my parents having to wake loads in the night for my benefit, that's personal though. You might have a very calm child, but you could also have a very unsettled child. Only you know, if you're ready.

StampOnTheGround · 13/02/2023 07:57

I think it's ridiculous the backlash on here when a mum god forbid wants to leave their baby for something - you still need to do things for you to. Go away for his 40th (if you feel up to it!). Some don't want to leave their baby, others are okay to leave - it doesn't mean the mum who stays is more attached than the one that goes on a hen do/away without the baby.

With dads, I don't think they are attached less but it is also seen as okay if they leave for a stag do or work or anything, nobody bats an eyelid.

VioletaDelValle · 13/02/2023 07:58

No mums are not closer than dads to their babies unless the mum & dad have made it that way by their actions from birth onwards.

This. Plus society piles on the mum guilt. Just tune that out.

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