Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

[Animallover87]

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

In the same documentary it also explained that the primary parent doesn’t need to be the one who gave birth.

Op you sound pretty terrified tbh which is normal. There’s just a vibe of this baby isn’t going to affect my life, I’m not going to let it rule my life like all those loser , martyrs mummies out there…
Im 38 and all my dcs are older now but when they were babies I kept them close , breastfed them and slept with them , I didn’t want to be away from them initially as they were inside my body for 9 +months. My dh is hugely hands on, kids are older , we swap over all the time , I go running , lie ins , we go away for weekends , I have time to do hobbies , go out and so does he and we have 3 dcs with zero family help ( we unfortunately can’t go away together as our family never babysits so we have no support network).
We get a babysitter now they are older. I believe very strongly in attachment theory , so the first two years being absolutely crucial to a humans overall development, most of the brain is formed in the early stages, there’s loads of research on this if you want to read up. That doesn’t mean o was some martyr whatsoever, I had plenty of baths , watched movies , went out etc etc but had all my babies close the first couple of years. Breastfeeding was really really important to me and although it’s boarderline being wiped out in the western world (you’re very much in the majority if you formula feed) I really believed in it for its health benefits, bonding and attachment and basically it’s human milk for a human. Obviously it’s fine and pretty much the standard if you don’t want to . My dh had our babies in a sling loads, got up with them , comforted them etc etc but yes I think the relationship with the mother is more important at the very start tbh . Flame away . Look at primates for example and how the look after they’re young. Obviously many people can’t and as long as there’s another very loving primary carer then great but yes I believe that bond between the mother and baby is so important in the early stages but doesn’t mean you give up on your own life (I never did ). I loved the newborn stage , still read plenty , got out loads with baby, still had baths , still had lovely meals out ( way easier with one newborn ) . Definitely tricker with more small dcs all together and sleep deprivation (we were firm , routines etc etc , our dcs were awful sleepers anyway ) but now they are older and my dh and I have lie ins, wonderful times as a family and our dcs entertain each other .
Good luck op !

@Nuevabegin

Attachment theory doesn't have anything to do with how babies are fed or where they sleep

Oh dear I didn't breastfed or go into labour I had pre planned c section due to issues I wonder what that makes me !

A completely unfit, neglectful mother, obviously.

Just like myself.

My cousin and her wife have two children, my cousin took eight weeks leave each time (the birthing parent), her wife definitely had a closer bond with the children as babies as she was the primary carer. Now they’re older the children don’t show a preference, well, unless they want treats as one is a complete pushover.

So sad you're sobbing but without him you wouldn't be making a song and dance about pregnancy and childbirth, would you

@Botw1 I think that they studied families in which babies did, but from what I understood basically the more time you spend with the baby, the more your brain will change to attune to the baby.

@CherLloydbyCherLloyd yes exactly! The brain changes are about the closeness of the caring relationship.

@Endlesslaundry123

Yes exactly

And that is true regardless of the sex of the parent

It's caring for the baby that helps create the bond. It's not rocket science that the more you do it, the better you are

Ours honestly felt equally close to both DH and I. He would be forever holding a baby, wore a baby carrier everywhere when not at work etc. Honestly, I think some of that was an excuse ‘I can’t, I have the baby on me’, and I’d have to go over take whatever baby/toddler/young child he had so he had no excuse but to get up and do whatever it was. He was happy for them to sleep/sit on him 24/7, whereas with breastfeeding, toddlers, young kids I’d get a bit touched out after a while and would value some time with personal space around me and no kids clinging to me.

This.

In my experience, yes they are! You don't see men feeling hormonally panicked about leaving a newborn for ten hours to go off to work. Women are far more emotionally and hormonally attached, especially at the start. Bit by bit that bond develops with the babies for men when the babies start to grow up and develop a bit of personality. My husband definitely became more besotted with the kids as time passed.

Women carry a baby for 9 months, then often go on to breast feeding. I think we definitely feel more attached. How could we not. We feel strong love when they're still inside us, a man wouldn't feel that.

That's a bit of a sweeping statement. Not all women bond /it doesn't feel real and love a baby when it's still in the womb. Some don't bond until months later either. Myths and generalisations like these only make them feel worse, wonder what is wrong with them and endanger an already frail bond even further.

Evolution?

Can’t speak for anyone else, but for a long time I couldn’t have left either of mine for more than an hour or two.

Wait and see how you feel, OP.

OTOH a friend of mine left her 4 week old firstborn with her parents for a month while she went on holiday with her dh. But she was from a culture where this sort of thing was nothing unusual.

Yes of course they are.

You only have to look at the numbers of deadbeat fathers that abandon their kids and that the overwhelming number of single parents who are women to know.

There are exceptions of course but in general yes undoubtedly.

@Onnabugeisha it’s not a ‘societal message’ or anything ‘mystic’ - it was nature’s age-old way of ensuring that babies were not just dumped in the forest for sabre-toothed tigers to devour, while mum went off looking for nuts and berries. And many of us are still governed by the same instincts.

So glad to find someone else who thinks the fourth trimester is some sort of con trick.

Mine heard their dad's voice more than mine when I was pregnant as he sings all the time and I'm pretty quiet but I still question how much they really hear, I mean if I lie down in a bath of water and someone starts talking to me I can't hear much and what I do hear is distorted so imagine what it is like in a bag of fluid held in a layer of flesh inside a body with a layer of fat between it and skin and then you mostly have clothes on. I can't believe they hear voices very clearly, a rhythm maybe but not the voice.

As for scent well you smell through your nose so every smell is new when they are born and I certainly wasn't touching mine when they were in the womb.

So yes a con to keep women in their place.

I absolutely believe that babies need to be held, loved, comforted as they come to terms with this new world but dads can do all that as can siblings/grandparents or even the aupair.

I used to work with a woman who walked out on her twins when they were a few months old. Their father stayed and brought them up so I reckon his bond was stronger than hers. I also knew someone who couldn't cope when they found out their baby had CF and she also left and dad stayed. Of course I know too many mothers who stayed to be able to count them but I agree it isn't automatic that the mother's bond is stronger.

I am also amazed that with all of mine (but particularly the first) in the first few days if they were unsettled with me a midwife could take them and quickly settle them. That would be someone they hadn't heard during pregnancy but the baby obviously felt more settled with than with tired, sore, hormonal mum. If the fourth trimester was true they'd have settled better for me wouldn't they.

Couldn't agree more and making mothers who don't bond immediately feel worse is pretty low.

I have 4, I only had the nesting thing once. I had a home delivery and the midwife commented that she'd never seen such a clean house and my mother told her I'd spent the previous week scrubbing and polishing everything in sight. The night before I went into labour I was scrubbing the kitchen walls and floor with a spare tooth brush. It took hours but if I'd needed surgery I think my kitchen was sterile enough to act as an operating theatre.

I've had your experience and your sisters and I know which I prefer, going into labour exhausted from scrubbing floors and walls isn't the most sensible thing to do but when you have that compulsion it is hard to fight it. I'd love to know what made me do it that time as I could be accused of being a bit of a slob on the other 3 occasions.

I don't think all mothers experience their brain being flooded with oxytocin, at least in the early days as some find it painful and frustrating. If it works for you it is a wonderful thing but it doesn't work for everyone. I did it for a total of 5 years and yes the magic worked for me but I know plenty of women who hated breastfeeding and were so much happier when they went on to formula.

@ancientgran oh God the nesting thing was totally uncontrollable for me but only in one pregnancy. I was literally up ladders cleaning my windows and getting rid of cobwebs, my DH was constantly worried I was going to fall

Madness isn't it. My house has never been as clean since. Isn't it funny to only get it in one pregnancy, it was my 2nd and I can truthfully say I had no desire to scrub the house with baby number 1, 3 or 4.