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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

290 replies

Animallover87 · 13/02/2023 06:16

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/07/2023 18:31

Of course mums are more bonded to their babies than dad's are. Its not cool or fashionable to say it but at the end of the day, we are just mammals. Its how it works. Doesn't mean dad's don't love their babies and can't make great parents though.

BeverlyHa · 01/07/2023 18:31

as a matter of natural fact, the mother carried the baby for 9 months, gives birth which is a life and death matter in itself and all the rest.....in many cases yes, the relationship is different , and looking at how many men here just abandon their wives with newborn kids for another woman without even a single act of thought or shame, my answer would be , yes, women love their kids in definitely stronger way, though I am not a sexist against men and dads. My kids have a dad whose soul is as caring and gentle as mine is

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 18:33

BeverlyHa · 01/07/2023 18:31

as a matter of natural fact, the mother carried the baby for 9 months, gives birth which is a life and death matter in itself and all the rest.....in many cases yes, the relationship is different , and looking at how many men here just abandon their wives with newborn kids for another woman without even a single act of thought or shame, my answer would be , yes, women love their kids in definitely stronger way, though I am not a sexist against men and dads. My kids have a dad whose soul is as caring and gentle as mine is

Agree. You only have to look at how many men abandon their kids versus the number of women who do

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 18:45

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 18:33

Agree. You only have to look at how many men abandon their kids versus the number of women who do

Show quote history

Fewer women abandon their babies but it happens so it isn't universally true that mothers are more bonded to their babies than fathers are.

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 19:40

ancientgran · 01/07/2023 18:45

Fewer women abandon their babies but it happens so it isn't universally true that mothers are more bonded to their babies than fathers are.

Show quote history

Theres always outliers to every trend. Of course some women will abandon their children but overwhelmingly men do it more than women.

MyTruthIsOut · 01/07/2023 19:48

It may be an unpopular view but I have always felt that the way a mother feels about her children is different to how the father feels. There’s just a deeper connection, I don’t know. I simply imagine that there’s just something that mothers feel that fathers don’t.

I believed it as soon as my babies were born and even though my children are 5 and 9 now, that sensation is still there.

Im guessing it’s a nurturing thing? We carried them, we birthed them, we nourished them….babies are dependent on us from the start of conception in a way they never need to be with their fathers.

My DH is an amazing father, he does so much with our children, is completely hands on etc (he probably does more with them than I do) but despite that, even he will admit that there is just something stronger and more connected about the relationship I have with them compared to the one that he has with them.

ancientgran · 02/07/2023 12:04

Comedycook · 01/07/2023 19:40

Theres always outliers to every trend. Of course some women will abandon their children but overwhelmingly men do it more than women.

Show quote history

So you agree that a blanket statement that mothers are more bonded to their babies than fathers are isn't true?

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 12:26

ancientgran · 02/07/2023 12:04

So you agree that a blanket statement that mothers are more bonded to their babies than fathers are isn't true?

Show quote history

It is true...there will be outliers but you can say that of anything. Overwhelmingly women are more attached to their children than men. Its biology.

If I said women are more likely to have long hair than men doesn't mean that some men won't have long hair...you see? My statement is still true.

ancientgran · 02/07/2023 15:10

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 12:26

It is true...there will be outliers but you can say that of anything. Overwhelmingly women are more attached to their children than men. Its biology.

If I said women are more likely to have long hair than men doesn't mean that some men won't have long hair...you see? My statement is still true.

Show quote history

Look at the title it asks Are mums more attached to their babies than dads? It doesn't ask if they more likely to be more attached or if most of them are more attached so it isn't the same as your example about hair. Do you see?

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 15:17

Well then yes, the overall answer is they are more attached to mums than dads. We really should stop denying biology in an effort to appear fair. Pregnancy and birth count. Of course there is a bond between mother and child and we should stop trying to reduce motherhood to nothingness.

MyTruthIsOut · 02/07/2023 16:49

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 15:17

Well then yes, the overall answer is they are more attached to mums than dads. We really should stop denying biology in an effort to appear fair. Pregnancy and birth count. Of course there is a bond between mother and child and we should stop trying to reduce motherhood to nothingness.

👏👏

ancientgran · 02/07/2023 17:23

Comedycook · 02/07/2023 15:17

Well then yes, the overall answer is they are more attached to mums than dads. We really should stop denying biology in an effort to appear fair. Pregnancy and birth count. Of course there is a bond between mother and child and we should stop trying to reduce motherhood to nothingness.

The question wasn't are babies more attached to mums than dads. That is a different question.

Hollyppp · 02/07/2023 17:24

MeanCanadianLady · 13/02/2023 06:41

It’s more about the fact that the baby will not cope well. Has anyone talked to you about the fourth trimester? Mothers are all the baby knows for the first three months. You’re the vessel it knew its entire life and your scent sound, heart beat and touch are all it knows. Everything and everyone else is foreign to it. So in that sense yes you will feel more guilty about leaving it then your husband will because once it is born you will realize that baby does not care that your husband is its father. Not that the baby will hate him but he’s just not as familiar to the baby as you are. Trust me my husband and father were very deeply bonded at six months and she is a full on daddy’s girl now. But when she was very small all she wanted was me. So I felt this huge responsibility on my shoulders to do everything I could to make her comfortable. It’s just best not to make any big plans because so much changes when they are born and everything is just very different. It can be really overwhelming.

This!

Original poster
Animallover87 · 02/07/2023 18:01

Just noticed this thread has gained traction again. I'm only a few weeks away from delivery now so it won't be long until I can form my own opinion based on experience... eeeek 🤪

OP posts:
Mila676 · 13/05/2024 21:21

Sorry, @Onnabugeisha but you are wrong about babies being born blank sheets and getting their characteristics according to caretakers actions. Even in the womb they are able to display different temperaments. Some are more active, some less, some are very smiley, some prefer being more serious. As you're supposedly so much into science you can research it yourself. Also kind remainder here that science is not all that is there to life. Btw if bond with mother wasn't important for baby's survival maternal instinct wouldn't be real. Having different hormonal make up from men and all years of evolution mothers are natural first choice. Quality time with father is important. Both relationships are important but different. Personally I think we should acknowledge and respect our differences instead of pretending we can swap one for the other.

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