Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

[Animallover87]

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

Somebody mentioned on the hen do thread that a lot of it is cultural and I think that's definitely true, although going away for a month sounds extreme by any standards.

A lot of French women wouldn't bat an eyelid at leaving their formula fed baby to go away for an evening or a weekend.

When we got married, two of the couples we invited had just had a baby a few weeks previously. One of the couples lived in the UK (we live in France) and there was a massive rush for them to get their baby a passport so they could come to the wedding, and obviously he was there with them throughout.

I say obviously... the other couple, whose baby was about two weeks old, chose to get a babysitter and came to our wedding without their children. And they were on the dancefloor until 3am. Whatever works for you is fine. Their children are clearly not traumatised by their approach to parenting.

I left formula fed baby with MIL for 2 nights at 8 weeks and he was absolutely fine! He settled for whoever held and rocked him. He's gone to MIL for 1 to 2 nights every 6 weeks since 6 months and absolutely loves it there as he gets spoilt rotten with 24/7 attention.

I honestly never noticed a difference in baby when being held by my husband or I. Genuinely.

By 8 months, my husband was the one who couldn't leave the room without the baby crying 😄 despite me being the main carer all day.

I honestly think it depends on the baby and dynamics of who and how they're cared for. Even now, my 10 month old enjoys the whole wider family when they are caring for him, the only time he shows a preference is when he's unwell or over tired.

Small babies usually develop a stronger attachment to one primary caregiver. It's biological. Usually that is the mother.

@Isthisexpected I don't want to breastfeed. Please don't try to make me feel bad about it.

@gemloving omg that is hilarious 😂

Giving birth to a baby that you've made in your own body and carried inside you for months isn't 'societal expectations' ffs.

It's weird that people are so invested in denying the importance of biology.

And op, from first hand experience, your bond with your baby will be completely different from your husband's, for the first few months at least. Regardless of how you feed the baby

Are you not breastfeeding because you don't want him to feel 'secondary'?

@CrackingCrackling oh that sounds great! You are very lucky!

It's not a patriarchal trope that mum's know baby best, it's a natural intrinsic biological fact

I don't think mums love or are attached more as such but I do think many (definitely not all) women to young babies would feel uncomfortable leaving them so example a mum to a 3month old might not want to be away from her baby but a dad might not mind. It also depends too on who baby is left with. More childcare is left to women so they're more skilled. Mum knows the routine better. When dad's working away he knows baby is with the best carer possible. When mum is away she might worry dad doesn't know the nap routine or will forget things, use wrong wet wipes. As kids get older it's more annoyance than worry.
The amount you 'worry' is not related to how much you love your child. Your personality will influence as will your trust in the temp carer.
I don't think women have double standards but might try to forewarn you that your hormones might affect how you feel.
I was happy to leave my kids if needed. I didn't even have either of them in my bedroom for one night. Returned from hospital then straight into own room. Im not a worrier in general. I love my children very much

@ClearMoth no, I just don't want to.

The thing is bonds are both instinctive and created. If both parents are involved bonds are strong

but your oh is leaving the baby with you - Paris is leaving with your mum. Starting getting that bond strong as well - the grandparent bond is important can mean it is fine to leave

but also wait you have no idea how you will feel

Ok. Hard to address that point at it seems like it is related to your concerns that the baby will not bond with you both equally.

You might find that your feelings about a lot of things change when the baby is in your arms.

@JudgeRudy wow own room straight away. I've not heard of that before. Did you use a monitor? Did you find your baby slept better?

I think it’s inevitable the relationship between a mother and infant is different than between a father and infant in the first few days/weeks/months of life. Of course the parent who grew and gave birth to the infant and in the majority of cases is the main care giver is going to have a different relationship than the other parent who didn’t grow/birth the baby.

However I think after the initial couple of months the bond with parents depends entirely on the time dedicated to the relationship. Any parent who spends the majority of the time with the baby is going to have a different relationship than a parent who spends a lot less time caring for the baby, regardless of if they’re mum or dad. A 3 month old baby who has been home with one parent, cared for over night by that parent etc will obviously have a greater bond with that parent, and notice them missing more than they would a parent who is with them only a couple of hours a day or doesn’t provide much time/care for them. obviously ideally both parents would have an equal role and an equal bond with the baby over time, but most people’s circumstances mean that is difficult. When my children were under 2ish they only wanted me if they were Ill or sad and showed a preference for me over my partner. Not because I was their mum necessarily but because I was with them all the time and so I was the one they were used to. It’s an oddly intense set up, but in reality there was no other way to manage childcare to allow for someone else to have that same level of bond with them.

^all just my opinions of course

It is strongly advised by the NHS that the baby shares your room for the first six months to reduce the risk of them dying from SIDS

Men are wired differently

This is just not true and just perpetuates gender stereotypes.

but do let me know if you'd like to go for an overnight work trip 2 weeks after you've given birth but everyone is different. You're still bleeding, and I don't know, your body is still recovering. It always took me 6 weeks to feel normal again but again, everyone is different.

This is a different issue entirely and is nothing to do with bonding with your baby. It's about recovering physically from pregnancy and childbirth and absolutely needs to be factored in to any decisions.

@Weallgottachangesometime yeah good point. Wish DH could take a year off work too but hey ho 🤪

You don't think that men and women are 'wired differently'? Do you think that men can get pregnant?

OP ignore the people trying to make you feel bad about not breastfeeding. It's none of their business.

You do what feels right for you OP when the time comes. I wouldn't have wanted/been able to go away as I was EBF, sleep-deprived and mentally and emotionally motherhood hit my like a freight train! And I say that as someone who is also very logical in her decision-making and holds down a demanding job!

Not really answering your actual question, but it's worth bearing in mind that one of the reasons we have maternity leave is to enable mothers to physically recover from pregnancy and labour, plus there are the mental health risks of PND. It's not 'just' about bonding with the baby, or assuming mums love their babies more/are more suited to looking after their babies than dads. Yes it's crap that dads only get 2 weeks paternity leave (should be more), but I think we're doing mothers a disservice if we don't recognise the very specific needs post-partum that maternity leave is there to address, that simply aren't interchangeable with the needs of dad's.

Sorry, not it’s not a natural, intrinsic, biological fact. If a mum knows her baby best, it will be because she has logged the most hours caring for the baby. You are ascribing what is a labour of love to biology, thereby minimising and dismissing what is traditionally considered to be women’s work.

@gemloving oh and the answer is no, I'm having a c section so God knows how I'll feel 2 weeks after 🤪

Mums have a closer bond usually . Maybe see how you feel nearer the time .you could always have dinner out nearby for an hour or two .maybe go to Paris at a later date .

@VioletaDelValle thank you. I was hoping the thread didn't derail when I admitted that.

So in your view, the minute a woman has given birth, she's indistinguishable from any other human being, both from the baby's perspective and from her own?