Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

[Animallover87]

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

It would be very odd if they weren’t, given that they gestate and give birth to them and are designed by nature to be their primary source of nutrition for some time.
My own granddaughters have become very close to their father as a result of him always being as involved in their care from birth as possible. Child/parent relationships with both parents evolve over time.

You don't think that men and women are 'wired differently'? Do you think that men can get pregnant?

When people talk about men and women being wired differently they generally aren't talking about physical biology.
Of course there are physical differences and only women can get pregnant, give birth and breastfeed.... but beyond that? No, men and women are equally capable of bonding and caring for a child.

I think you're making a valid point, OP. Look at the number of single mums out there, compared to single dads. Mums are generally the primary caregiver.

I definitely didn't want to leave my babies when they were tiny. It wasn't a "I shouldn't" feeling; it was instinctive I think. I don't think DH had a lesser bond but his bond was different in the early days, because he hadn't carried and birthed the baby and wasn't pumped full of those postnatal hormones!
I also felt societal expectations were quite different to what's been described on here. I felt huge pressure (with my first) to "snap back" - snap back into shape, get back in the gym, get back on date nights with DH, get back my social life, get back out living life as though I hadn't just been through a life-changing experience and was adjusting to this tiny new human I had to look after! I felt pressured to leave DS1 when I wasn't ready, and that I was being silly or over the top by wanting him close. Everything felt designed to separate us - give bottles even if you bf so other people can feed! Get him in a cot or moses basket! Put him down so he doesn't get used to being held! Leave him with a babysitter so he gets used to being left! Get back to work and get him in nursery! As soon as he's 6mo get him in his own room! I felt really hurried through those first few months.
With my second and third I definitely took things more at my own pace and I'm glad I did, but I still feel like people's expectations are that I should be getting on with things as though I don't have young DC. Even recently someone was shocked that on my half days, I collect DC early from nursery so we have the afternoon off together. This friend seemed to think I should take that as "me" time or get stuff done around the house. I don't want to! I want to be with my kids! Anyway, that's just my experience and everyone will perceive things differently.

I think it’s a form of faux feminism when we act like our own biology is somehow oppressing us.

My child is my child. They were very much born with their own individual personality. My motherhood experience was very biological and instinctual.

I don’t think that is wrong or anti feminist to say.

My husband was extremely involved in the first few weeks even to his own detriment because I was too sick to get out of bed. (And no that is not an invite for anyone who is not my doctor to sit and diagnose me or recommend treatment plans.)

Yes I breastfed my child but that was the end of it. For the first solid two months my husband was rocking, singing, changing diapers and putting her to sleep. But she cried and cried until she was touching me again.

Who knows maybe my baby was just born as an evil sexist bastard child. 😂

I felt extreme guilt for not being able to do much to care for her. We had no supportive family so no one to help which is why I get so emotional when it is obviously and strongly suggested that my husband was somehow not sufficiently involved with her care. 🤨

She just preferred me and that’s the end of it. She knew the difference between us both as soon as she came out. It actually hurt my husband’s feelings a little bit but he still loved her like crazy.

It’s just an inconvenient truth I guess. Trying to fight nature and treating it like it’s the enemy does women no favours. Sorry!

So pregnancy and giving birth just happens in a sort of separate module, in your view, that has zero interaction with the rest of the person?

Humans aren't modular robots. We are animals. Specifically, apes.

It's men who came up with the idea that our 'minds' are entirely separate from our bodies. And it's nonsense.

If you’re in UK you can do share leave somehow I think.

I wonder if countries with better paternity leave have more engaged fathers. It’s sad that most men only have 2 weeks. I think equalising paternity pay would be a big shift in normalising fathers caring for their babies.

I think some of it is just habit. If you spend 24 7 with someone because you're on mat leave, then it's going to be a bigger deal to leave them than if you already leave them 9-5 plus commute

And then of course the baby becomes more attached to the primary caregiver in the early months so there is more guilt etc

I think bf often causes a closer bond between mother and baby. Mum becomes primary source of comfort and sustenance. There’s a marked preference for Mum for a few months at 8-16 weeks. Possibly not everywhere and for all families but often the father heads back to work after a week or two and the mother is the primary care giver. You aren’t going to develop the same bond in an hour or so in the evening. It evens out over time generally speaking.

@MeanCanadianLady I agree with the importance of recognising that there is a basic biological difference between a mother and father in those early days. Not just for the parent but for the baby.

It's men who came up with the idea that our 'minds' are entirely separate from our bodies. And it's nonsense.

No, actually that was second wave feminism that showed scientifically there is no such thing as a female brain vs a male brain. It’s not nonsense by the way, it was necessary to prove women could do the highest status, most demanding traditionally male roles.

Yes, the baby will be born needing you, not DH, baby knows your voice, footsteps when born, then will know your milk smell. Basic survival stuff. Your DH and baby need to get to know each other, then bond.

You haven't even got to the middle of your pregnancy yet!

@Animallover87 no, monitors weren't usual then. I had a small basket which I put straight into the cot. I figured the transition from basket to cot would be easier if the scenery remained the same. I breast fed my first. Sometimes I'd feed from my bed but usually ld go to her room. By 6 weeks there were no night feeds after midnight.
I wasn't concerned. My SIL though would constantly check her own baby was warm/cold enough, hadn't been sick, was still breathing etc...she constantly worried.
She had miscarriages and a stillborn tho, I had straight forward simple pregnancies breastfeeding etc. Maybe that influenced.
I never had the kids in my bed as children either.

It's biological - we are female mammals so in general it will always be the mother who is primary caregiver.

Having a baby wired my DHs brain too - he wouldn't have wanted to leave for 2 days when he was really small. But it's still different.

Hahahaha

Why on earth would the baby feel equally close to the Dad when baby has only just met the dad and baby has lived inside you for nine months?

We can only be guided by own experiences. My DH and all the other dads I’ve met had zero maternal instinct. That’s why it’s called maternal instinct. They gradually fall in love with the baby (and vice versa) but it takes time.

If you’re expecting equal parenting you’re deading for disappointment.

Of course men are wired differently

a man’s body doesn’t physically react the same way as a woman’s when his baby is hungry

i had the feeling of milk rushing in long after I stopped breast feeding (and also mixed fed)

the experience of women waking from their sleep before their child even calls out is an experience I hear over and over again yet men I know have not felt this

are bodies are connected in a different way a man’s connection is from love and a desire to protect not from the need to

I wouldn't say indistinguishable but yes a baby will adjust to anyone quite easily up to about the age of 2 and will form the strongest bond with their primary care giver.

Exactly. There are dozens of studies showing this.

I'm backing away from this thread now but it's very interesting and more than a little concerning to me to see who the specific posters are who are highly invested in denying the biological realities of motherhood.

I don’t believe the poster was suggesting that there are male and female brains. But rather what is going on in our minds is linked to what is going on in our bodies.

After I gave birth I was surprised by how primal my responses were, including my ability to wake just before DD woke and made her demands known.

I'm actually really enjoying hearing all these different opinions on it. It's a very interesting discussion and one I suppose I didn't think about until I found out I was pregnant a few months ago @ClearMoth I can't really contribute as I don't know yet, I've never had a baby but I appreciate everyone taking time to respond to my thread.

So pregnancy and giving birth just happens in a sort of separate module, in your view, that has zero interaction with the rest of the person?

I didn't say that did I?
But men and women aren't as different as some people would have us believe.

Women don't have magical childcare powers. If you take breastfeeding out of the equation then men and women are equally capable of caring for a child. Studies show that if dads are actively involved in caring for a newborn their levels of oxytocin rise which aids bonding.
The issue is that lots of men aren't actively involved in childcare from the off so don't bond in the same way as mum does.
That doesn't mean it's not possible.

I have no idea what the recommendations are now but that certainly wasn't the advice then. It wasnt mentioned by Health Visitor/Midwife.
I also had cot bumpers which I understand are out now!