Are mums more attached to their babies than dads?

[Animallover87]

Do mums love/get more attached to their babies than dads do?

The reason I ask is because my DH and I are expecting our first baby in August. A few weeks ago I posted asking if mumsnet thought it would be OK for me to leave baby with my mum for 2 nights and take DH to Paris for his 40th. The response was unanimously no. They said I wouldn't feel ready, it was too young etc, fair enough. Then there was the thread yesterday where the poster wanted to go on her hen do to a lodge 5 mins away from her house. Again, the response was largely - don't go, you won't feel ready.

Which got me wondering... my DH has to go back to work for long days 2 weeks after our baby is born. It may involve some overnight stays sometimes. No-one will bat an eyelid at this and obviously DH will miss us but it's not a big deal. My friends partner had to work away for 3 weeks at a time when their baby was born and again, that's just his job.

Why is it so much harder for mums to leave the babies? My baby won't be breastfed and when DH is here he will do more than his fair share. He is ecstatic about becoming a dad and I know he will love our baby more than anything.

But why am I told that I won't be ready and desperately won't want to leave them for a night or 2? Hope the question makes sense, I wonder what the difference seems to be between mums and dads and the attachment to their babies.

Baby can. Who baby feels closest to or wants is largely nurture not nature.

Wow what a way to twist my words!

In my experience my baby DID only want me and was not interested at all in her father. And I was pregnant during the pandemic so we were together and talking all the time. So perhaps YOUR experience was different. But I calling me a liar is completely unfair. I think I would have better received your comment if perhaps you simply said that every baby is different.

You say yourself that DH will be back working long hours 2 weeks after the birth. As you're on maternity you will no doubt take on more of the night wakings etc. The chances are the baby will be most comfortable with you.

I didn’t call you a liar, I corrected your not supported by science incorrect statement that a baby only knows it’s mum for the first three months of life.

And no every baby isn’t different AT BIRTH. They only become different based on the actions of caregivers.

Underestimate biology at your peril.

It is biologically normal for infants to be more attached to their mother, especially if breastfeeding. Pretending that it’s all completely equal and that 9 months of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding can be shrugged off is seriously detrimental to women and babies.

This. My baby was a dream. I was completely shell-shocked, I didn't even want to see anyone for the first 3 weeks

My best friend left her 6 month old to go on a pre booked holiday to SA for 2 weeks. He was left with her Mum, and whilst it was hard they had a great time, he knew no different and it think it actually helped with the separation anxiety most mothers seem to get nowadays when leaving their babies overnight. If you feel ready to do it and trust your mum, do it! x

For us the bond for the first few months was different. Especially if you breastfeed, I don’t think the 4th trimester is just patriarchy rebranded as a PP said. Mum and baby have biological needs and norms. My DH was very involved from day 1, was delighted to be a father and had a lot of time off work. But to start with that time was spent supporting me and baby.

DH did miss us when he was at work and wouldn’t have chosen to do any over night stays.

For us I think it evened out at around 6 months. I also went back to work around then. I had a night away for a hen do when DS was around 1.

Now DS is about 20mo and we parent very much 50/50. I wouldn’t say that there is a default parent even though I still breastfeed once a day.

I don’t think it’s ‘dads have less of a bond’ it’s dads have a different bond in the beginning. And it sort of makes sense, the woman grows and births the baby and biologically speaking is designed to sustain the baby as its sole food source for a long time. Of course that bond is different.

But it isn’t something to worry about.

It’s very personal and different for everyone. Some parents wouldn’t dream of leaving their kids for a single night until they’re 18, a friend of mine just left her 6 month old with baby’s grandparents and went on holiday with her DH for a week.
Some dads will bond immediately with baby, some find it takes longer as baby is so reliant on mum (perhaps more so if EBF, cluster feeding) and some bond more when baby is a bit older and becomes more interactive.
I think as far as going away is concerned, breastfeeding plus a big part in how you’d feel about it, not in terms of baby’s connection to you, but you also have to worry about if baby will take a bottle, and then the mum has to pump regularly, which takes the fun out of being away. I went away for 2 days/1 night when baby was 5 months and I worried about milk supply dropping and had to pump every few hours. Enjoyed a night away but it was also a bit of a chore still.
So, very different for everyone. My DP was so in love with our DS immediately, but he definitely finds it easier being with him now that he’s 10 months old, plays a lot more, eats meals and isn’t constantly attached to my breast/crying when he’s taken away from a nipple.

Your biology is different to your husbands

Birthing is a pretty primal experience. Your body does things you never knew possible.

It is most likely that your body will feel ‘wrong’ being away from your baby in the early days.

Of course you can physically be away from your baby, but for most women it feels awful.

its an inconvenient truth, but we are still animals and if you look around the animal kingdom, mothers don’t leave their very young babies.

With newborns the difference is biology. They and their mums are programmed to want to be physically close to each other. We are a type of mammal called carry mammals. Are babies feel safe when close to mum.

As they get older, they can see better. They have lived experience on top of instinct. They have learnt that dad is a safe place too.

My children are now 6 and 4 and are equally attached and happy with both of us. Just last night my DD was happily sleeping in her dad's arms.

For babies (which is what those threads were discussing) the difference in bond is pure biology. Not to mention of course that mum has just given birth and could still be healing at 3 months pp.

I have a four week old and an almost two year old.

My personal experience is that when very tiny, they have both had a clear preference for me. DD will quite often cry for ages with her dad and then stop crying as soon as I take over. I don't know whether it's because I'm the one with the boobs, or whether it's for another reason like her being more familiar with my smell, or me being more confident handling her. At the moment, even if she was formula fed, I think she would be OK if her dad went away for a few days, but she would really struggle if I did.

I know it doesn't last forever and she will develop a relationship with her dad, as DS did. And I have been away overnight quite a few times since he was born, starting with one night when he was 7 months old, then two week-long work trips when he was 11 and 13 months old, and then finally two weekends away with my friends when he was 15 and 18 months old. But it definitely wouldn't have been great in the early days.

Formula feeding does of course make a difference, and all families are different. But if you wanted to leave your formula fed baby with another relative so you and your husband could go away together (as opposed to leaving the baby with your husband so you could go away alone), you'd need to make sure your baby was really familiar with that person. The first time we both went away and left DS overnight was when he was 21 months old and DD was born (so it was unavoidable). Luckily his grandparents were able to look after him, and he sees them all the time.

I don’t even care if my comment gets deleted or I get banned. @Onnabugeisha totally crossed the line and I have ZERO regrets.

Hormones and breastfeeding do lead to a close bond for mum; not sure why you've decided against breastfeeding without trying it as it's much easier for many than bottles, but it does make for a close relationship. You might be missing though that lots of dads find it hard to leave the babies for days too, in fact often where I've worked the new dads don't travel for months either. The baby will probably feel close to both of you; many babies are very clingy, that's how they're made. I remember DS bawling his eyes out when I took him away for one night. Stopped with Daddy on video call, started again when we turned it off. We didn't try that again until he was much older. The closeness means that a few hours apart is delightful, whether for work or for fun. That amount of time extends as they get older.

Some people are fine with leaving their child even when they are tiny, and aren't too fussed if the baby cries about it on whoever they are left with; they will tell you that all babies cry. Some people have relatives in the house every day so the baby knows them incredibly well; that's a different lifestyle than others have and undoubtedly makes leaving the baby easier. Some babies are much clingier to mum or to mum and dad than others, and all of them are more clingy at development stages so they'll be easy about being with others one week and fully attached to mum the next.

I’d also say leaving baby with your partner is not the same as leaving baby with a 3rd party (no matter how much they love them!) I only took 6 months mat leave second time around and DH did 6 months of shared parental leave. I felt much more comfortable leaving 6 month old DS with his dad than I had leaving 1yo DD with her grandparents when I went back to work first time around. So IMO either of you going back to long work days == leaving baby with grandparents while you two head off together. I’ve had plenty of nights out since DS was born, as has DH, but we’ve very rarely been out together because I don’t think DS will settle for anyone who isn’t us yet.

Sorry - symbols should be the ‘do not equal’ sign the slash in the middle has disappeared for some reason

My baby is 6 weeks old and I would say my husband and I are equally attached to our baby, however, we are in a more unique situation where we are both doing 50% of the feeds, changes etc due to him being self employed and him not having much work at the moment.

We left our baby last week with his mum and baby was absolutely fine and did not miss us at all (don't think she really understands who is who as long as her needs are being met) and although we could feel she was missing when we went away for the night, we were both fine too.

This. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I believe it is stronger it’s meant to be

could babies survive without fathers around absolutely could they without their mothers no (even before formula women would help feed other babies)

we mostly feel our babies needs physically men do not not we awake just before our babies start to tell us they are hungry we few milk rush in many of us will feel physical pains or uncomfortable in the same way as our babies

it’s not about the patriarch (not dismissing how it has damaged society) this is about biology

of course some women don’t feel this but love and care for their baby just as much as do fathers. It primal

I haven’t suggested anything of the sort about your DH. Im sorry you had a difficult birth and have PTSD from it. I have had EMDR for my PTSD and highly recommend it to help you.

You are taking my general statements that are based in science as personal attacks of your choices when they are not personal statements at all.

I’m pointing out that the choices we make from birth determine the bonds the baby forms. It’s nurture and so not predetermined by biology.

I think it’s to do with that you carry the baby so from when you find out you’re pregnant you are always with them and have that knowledge then for reasons to do with maternity leave you are the one who is always with them

And wait to see how you feel

neither way is wrong but I suspect you won’t want to

many congratulations

There’s various things at play here, some biological and some societal, which can be hard to separate from each other.

Our babies have been living in us and are born with strong instincts to stay connected to us, they know our smells, voices and body rhythms in a way they don’t know any other caregiver, no matter how involved. We are animals at the end of the and more is inbuilt and instinctual then lots of people seem to want to think about. Baby has a strong need to stay close to us for survival as they cannot look after themselves or protect themselves at all, all they can do is call out for mum to keep them close. Breastfeeding of course will reinforce this as mum is the source of food and most comfort as a result. We know there are literal, observable changes in the brains of women too when we become mum’s, to make us want to respond to and care for our babies.

However active caregiving by others also builds bonds with baby over time. The same research showing changes in mum’s brains shows that over time these can happen with other care givers too, if they put the work in to really bond with and care for baby. But very few dad’s end up doing actually half, even if formula feeding. Especially if they’re going back to work soon after baby is born. Mum is with baby way more and will become the primary caregiver whether you like it or not. Dad can be very active in the time he has but it’s not going to be equal and baby will feel that. Also whilst dad will probably do a lot, you’re most likely to be the one who responds to baby more instinctively as well - your response to your baby crying for example might surprise you, it’s visceral, and I don’t think Dad’s or other carers feel it the same way even if they’re affected and responding.

Baby is also programmed to seek one very secure attachment at first for their safety, only later will they build strong attachments with others as well. We know babies separated from their mums from birth onwards suffer trauma even if actively cared for by others straight away (such as in adoptions) though I appreciate that’s beyond the scope of this thread!

If Dad was the one with them all the time they would attach to them, but there is a difference between being mum and being dad, there just is. Some of it nature, and some of it compounded by societal things like dad going back to work sooner and expectations around mum and dads roles that we are indoctrinated our whole lives and can be hard to undo.

I could write more but I fear this is too long already!

No I think it’s very clear what you were saying. You know exactly what you meant. We both do.