to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

And yeah, that was the short version.....the long version would take DAYS!!!

To be a single parent to 6 children with less than £25k left on a mortgage at age 50 you've done pretty damn amazing 👏🏼

I'd be inclined to tell her to stick it but then you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face!

No real advice but I just wanted to say I don't know how she can be under the impression you've not done amazingly well

YABU and ungrateful. Who cares if she insists you pay your mortgage off and buy a car? It’s so generous of them.

Is there any reason why you can’t remind them that they gave the money in it’s entirety to your sister no questions asked, so you’ll expect the same.

tell them too that re car, you’ll absolutely ask their opinion on it if needed, but you need to do that at the time that suits you and it’s not the main focus right now but you don’t want to be cap in hand and asking for it when your sister had none of this humiliation

Is there any way to buy the car and sell it without losing too much value?

Mum, is that you?

The fact that a car that costs all of the remainder would be less use to me than a cheaper (and still good) car AND savings in the bank in case (say) said car needs a new clutch, is not an issue to you?

I am stable but I cannot afford to save. To me it would be wonderful to know I have a cushion in savings just in case. If the washing machine were to conk out right now I would be FB looking for one that might last a year or so, and in a year or so I would be there again.....

Surely savings and a half decent car is better than an almost brand new car and no savings?!

And what about the fact that I have to endure this humiliation as @MzHz quite rightly puts it, and my sister didnt?

No I’m not your mum. Nor am I in a position where anyone will ever give me £25k, unfortunately. I can’t imagine being anything but grateful. If you’re not happy with the T&Cs, turn their offer down.
you won’t though, will you?

Endure humiliation 🎻 poor you.
Enjoy your money.

Even if you don't use the money exactly as you wanted you're still better off taking it than not taking it...

I’d tell them to keep it as well OP. I’d be really fucked off too.

You clearly have made a great success of your life and they can’t move past some stupid narrative that you’re the fuck up.

Totally valid to just say no.

Or, just enjoy the free car, as you need one anyway.

You can always part ex it a week later 😉

@Roundabout78

Don’t be a twit. What has your situation got to do with this?

I agree with you though op..

Nothing?? But I can’t imagine being in her position and being ungrateful. Op asked for opinions and I’m giving mine.
question was AIBU to refuse this gift? No you’re not. Say “thanks but no thanks”, job done.

Just what I was going to say; the way second hand car prices are going, you'll probably make a profit

I don't understand why they would force you to waste money on a car you don't need it makes no sense. Is it that the type of car you would want they would not see as a sensible purchase eg a flashy convertable 2 seater as opposed to a 5-door hatch?

Take the car and sell it a week later - or maybe there is a place you can buy from that will enable you to return it if not liked within in 7 days (I don’t know if this is ever a term but I have bought only one car in my life). Make sure they will refund the cash to you though.

Its not about the money, I never wanted the money.

When they asked us initially I said no. I was surprised when my sister said yes. We talked and I realised what a difference it would make to her, agreed to it.

ITs about the fact that my sister was trusted with the money and I wasnt.

I am glad this came up now as they have always been open about being scrupulously even with us in everything. Their will, they said, will be 50/50. But now I wonder if there will be some trust or other where I dont actually get access but my sister does. Wouldnt surprise me.

My father trusts me, my mother doesnt and my mother is in charge.

I wasnt expecting this either. I didnt ask. Yes I would love to have a several k gift butnot if it costs me this.

Ok, so say no. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh I just looked it up for you - only entitled to return it if it was bought through distance selling unless the dealer specifically says you can. You’d have to sell the car second hand. You’d probably make a loss but it would still be less than not having a cheaper car and some cash in the bank.

Ironically, I want a 5 door hatch!

But they want me to buy as new as possible (as they have always had brand new) as they see that as better. They dont know, as I do, that all you are buying is a faster depreciating "asset" depending on what you buy. Basically they want me to buy the same car they have, as that is good. The fact that they have spent KK on maintaining a 5 year old car that has done 12k on the clock is neither here nor there.....they know best.....No actually......she knows best.

Say no to all of it and be done with it if you feel that strongly.

Actually, I think Cazoo do this (7 or 14 day I think).

Find a 25 grand car then sell it, buy a banger and do what you want with it