to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

Except that the money won’t hit the OP’s bank account because the parents are going to take her shopping.

Buy a 25k car, simple ha ha! A decent, brand new car cost around about that these days! I don't think you are being ungrateful. I think it's the feelings that have been conjured up by this 'gift' I don't think it is a gift if you are being told what to do with it!

We are all always 15 to our parents. They never change their view of us. I can't tell you what to do but my advice is - The best decision is the one you can live with.

I've probably missed something but if you pay the mortgage off won't you be able to save your mortgage payments so you can then build savings up?

Then you could pay mortgage off, have a free new car and start to build savings? I'm also a single mum and that's what I'd do!

You "never wanted their damn money anyway" so what's the problem? Turn it down. You don't deserve it. Just as you think it should be your money to do what you want with, it's currently their money to do what they want with. They earned it - you didn't.

But the problem here isn't really anything to do with money. It's about your relationship with your parents. Work on that, and on your bitterness. Forget about the money.

Wow. That last comment. Wow.

Firstly - what an amazingly impressive woman and mother you are!
Your mother is really tricky and clearly has been for years and years. That’s probably not going to change.
Paying off your mortgage would benefit you and your children so - as long as it doesn’t give them any rights over your property - take it without complaint and get it paid asap. No point arguing about it - your mother won’t see reason.
Then think about the car issue.
Once you have mortgage paid, take your time to choose a car - if you can. If they have insisted on choosing the car and you don’t think it’s suitable or economic to run, then say you have changed your mind and explain what you would prefer. If they can’t accept that, and you don’t want the car they insist on, you could turn that down…
But you would have your mortgage paid off!!!
My advice would be don’t get into a row about the car until the mortgage is sorted. You clearly haven’t had as much support as you have needed so see that as some reparation you deserve.

I would feel the same way as you and be so tempted to tell them to shove it. However if I was advising a friend I know I would say to them to keep tight lipped, suck it up and take the money. Your sister's taking it. It will help you and you can pass it down to your children eventually. better than it going to the taxman.

Could you persuade them to give you the money for the mortgage and split the rest of the money between your children - invest the money for your younger daughters college education in a Junior ISA and possibly small pension funds for the older ones. That way you are showing you are being fiscally responsible without the pressures of being tied to buying the car they want you to have. A small 'up yours' to your mothers poor opinion of you

Have you told them how you feel?

OP why don’t you just tell your mother that you would like the same freedom as they afforded your sister ? That you would like to buy a second hand car and put some money in the bank as a nest egg after you have settled the mortgage. I can’t see how they could object really , if they do object then tell them that in that case they can keep their money. If they were able to give it to your sister and trust her to use it appropriately you should also be trusted to do the same. There should not be 1 rule for your sister and another for you. They might sit up and listen if you just tell them how you feel about it and point this out.

Could you tell them to give it all to your sister? If my parents were pulling this rubbish I would give my sibling their half if I was the golden one and you have a positive relationship. Your sister isn't ask to account for her spending so job done

I'd be tempted to say no if there are too many restrictions on the gift. My mom picked out a car for me (no choice on my part) but didn't take into account that I couldn't afford the running costs. Disaster.

So the only way this might work for you is to have a firm budget and point out that because you are an adult and not feckless you need to set aside say £5k to pay for insurance, repairs, not, petrol for the next couple of years.

Just take it. Look at brand new cars and those a year old.

“I cannot afford to turn it down”

You already answered this for yourself. It’s so bloody crap they’re doing this to you. I should think they’re trying to look after you. Apart from the finance, they’re probably still freaked out your ex tried to kill you, and feel very protective of you. If after you’ve reminded them that they’ve simply gifted your sister the money and should do the same to you and they disagree, go get a lovely shiny new car. Parents can be so weird but ultimately they love you :)

@PyongyangKipperbang Is your mother intending to go into your bank with you and present the bank staff with a cheque to clear the remaining amount on your mortgage, rather than bank transferring the money directly to your account? I feel this is more in line with the new car issue of their choosing it and paying for it for you, rather than having you choose the car and having the money transferred for you to buy it. Hopefully she isn't...

I think since you have demonstrated for many years that you are capable and sensible but they are ignoring this because it doesn't fit the image they have for you, they are not going to change their minds (or your mum's mind, since she is the driving force) just because someone's had a chat with them about it. It doesn't work like that does it, there is none so deaf as those who won't hear!

Given that this is how it is, can you accept the steel hawsers on their gift and let as much as possible just wash over you? Sure, their terms of the gift are crap and it's desperately unfair that they don't apply the same terms to your sister, but that's how they are and it's vanishingly unlikely that your mum will change at this stage of her life. So if you can ignore all that crap, accept the terms and plan to ignore every single "we paid your mortgage for you, we bought you that new car, you can't manage without us, blah blah blah" and let it roll off you like water off a duck's back... if you can get past that, then maybe changing the car down the line to one you prefer to have and investing the difference is a small "sucks to you mum". If you put what would have been your mortgage payments into a separate investment vehicle you won't be any worse off and will be creating the savings buffer you wanted?

I hope your DSis has managed to talk to them and explain that it is grossly unfair to treat you this way. I think they were probably going to paint you in the role of "irresponsible child" regardless and wanted an excuse and latched on to you having a DC at 17 as somehow making you poor at managing money which clearly isn't true.

If they manage to buy you a car, they will expect you to use it to ferry them around. They are trying to buy you really. Time to take a back seat in helping them out and let DSis contribute more.

Why are they speaking to your ex if he tried to kill you?

They aim to be "scrupulously fair" and that's a really good thing. Just take the money and tell them that you don't want to spend it today.

@bogbabe what is scrupulously fair about giving one child a cheque for £25k then going to the other child’s ex (the one who tried to murder the op) and asking them for the mortgage redemption figure. The parents then paid the mortgage off. They now want to go with the op to chose her car, one she doesn’t want, and pay the car show room directly.

Giving one child a cheque and refusing to trust the other child is not being scrupulously fair.

I hate being given money as a gift and told what not to spend it on. My mum did that but only once. Do you need a new car?

Wow! I always thought you were a pretty amazing person, having seen your posts around here for years and years, but I didn't realise quite how much of one you are.

I'm sorry your mum misjudges you so badly, you deserve better, but hey - mothers can be weird, mine was a bit too, and they do have favourites no matter how hard they might try not to.

I wonder if she's aware that she's doing it? I know it looks like she must be doing it deliberately but itmay be that she's never stopped to think about what lies behind her treatment of you and how she justifies it to herself. I do think that my mum would have been brought up short and had a hard rethink if I'd tackled her, but I didn't work myself up to do it in time. My brothers would have backed me, would your sister tackle her on your behalf.
?

I hope you do find a way of receiving that gift untrammelled as there's no doubt that there's no reasonable reason why you shouldn't.

THanks all.

It did get sorted.

My sister understood totally and had a word with them, not least about the stress that the pressure to do everything straight away was putting on me. They had a talk and apologised. They said that they hadnt realised until DSis pointed it out the basic unfairness of the situation, and are genuinely sorry. We have moved on and put it behind us. Money is currently sitting in my savings and will stay there until my current car really is beyond saving (its not worth trading in, would get more as scrap so might as well run it until its MOT....which it will almost certainly fail!) by which time hopefully I will be in a better position to look at cars. Right now they are the last thing I want to think about. Also, I am not very good at spending large amounts of money, I get buyers remorse before I have even paid a penny because I panic I am making the wrong decision so I am getting the advice of a couple of friends who really know their stuff and have offered to come with to view any I find.

Thanks for all your support and advice, I have calmed down a lot, the stress has pretty much gone in the main, a few issues still at the back of my mind but nothing that hasnt been there for years. I think that they are finally seeing that "Well you know what Pyongyang is like" isnt actually what Pyongyang is like

Good stuff!

I'd have a look at cars now get a feel for the current market. The second hand market is wild at the moment.

That's really positive! I'm glad your sister was able to change their minds. You must be so glad to have that security.