to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

Remortgage for home improvements and put on the mortgage or what @DelurkingLawyer says.

As the least favourite child whose siblings get it all, it pisses me off the way some parents act.

I don’t mean to pry but you are being quite avoidant in your answers. Did your dad ask you what the redemption figure was for your mortgage before your dad spoke to ex?

Can your sister not advocate for you? I know that were this to have happened in our family both my brothers would have been pointing out how unfair it was, the lack of equity between us, the things they trust me with, why their judgement is wrong.

Otherwise, you could write down the things you've said here, and send a letter to them maybe? They'd have to talk about it between them then, esp if you sent it to your dad rather than mum. Let them know that you are prepared to do without the money altogether rather than accept the unkindness and infantilising that goes with it.

Good luck.

Second dad should be mum sorry

If you do decide to take it and it may not be emotionally worth it... Could you pay off your mortgage and then save what you would have been making in payments to build a savings cushion? You need a car and again, it's a free car so maybe save what you would have needed to save for a new car to your war chest.

They won't refused in cash to stop people using the business to launder money. It has to go back on the original payment method.

If you buy a new car and return it you’ll lose 20-25% of what was paid for it if you sell it even a week later. Total waste of a lot of money to make a point

You've only got 18m to go, I'd tell them to stick it.

I agree that you should be able to decide on the car yourself but like others said can't you pay off the mortgage, get the more expensive car as they suggest and then start to build up your savings with the money you'd save by not paying your mortgage?
Then after a year or so see how you get on with the car and you can always sell it then and get something more to your liking.

I understand being treated differently than your sister is the real issue here. Can you overlook that and think about how what your parents are wanting to do would help your family/children?

If they buy the car and pay off the mortgage, even if it's small, can you then channel some of the money you would have put towards those things into achieving the savings you want?

I'm not.....its how it happened.

He (Father) asked "We are thinking of doing this, how would you feel about it? Could you look into how much it would cost" and then the next conversation was "I spoke to Ex and he has got a redemption figure from the bank".

I had words with ex where he said (and it was implied from what my mother told him) that I knew and was ok with him doing that. Since then, he (ex) has communicated with me every time they have been in touch with him, and me with him.

I suspect my father wasnt expecting her to do that either.

Op refuse nothing but blows!
I get it's a blow to be treated like a child but take the cash!

Op why is your ex still on the mortgage, are you properly divorced? Surely your house that you are paying for should be 100% yours?
Once it's paid off start building savings.

Cars nearly new cars are more pricy at the moment than nearly new used. Used cars are holding their value and in short supply.

PS - I grew up with a parent who drove banger cars. The nice thing about a new car is it doesn't seem to break down. I have never broken down once. My parents broke down all the time and it was so stressful for us kids. I know it seems unnecessary but the reliability of a new car is worth so much to me.

Dont buy a new car as they lose loads of money the minute you leave the forecourt. Buy one 18 months or 2 years old, then a month later decide its really uncomfortable or poor on fuel or whatever, and sell it. Buy a cheaper one before you tell her, she won't know and if she guesses she can't do anything about it.

The house is being fully signed over, legally, lawyers involved.....all done. It was just simpler at the time for us to do it this way. It was signed off by the judge. Yes we are fully divorced.

I understand your frustration and it depends what your priorities are. Practically the best available option is to take the mortgage payment and whatever car they are offering. Then you can build savings from money you would have paid on car yourself. Your reaction is emotional and understandable but I don’t think the rejection of the gifts will have the desired outcome. You clearly would rather respect and trust to the money but I don’t see how rejecting their offer will get you that.

I couldnt get a new car without a lump sum. I am not taking on any new credit.

I will do without and manage. My sums are that my not having to pay the mortgage will be swallowed up very soon with COL, there will be some left over but not a hell of a lot. I am trying to build up a buffer with fuel costs so that next winter isnt so bad. Savings will be some, but not much, they wont cover a new boiler for example.

Savings would have done that. But no, apparently it is a new car or nothing.

Ok so your mother treats you like you need supervision but she’s still offering you 25k , so buy a car that uses all the money , you will still have no savings but you will have a nice car , if you say shove it you will still have no savings and the same car you have now . It is a no brainer .

Don't refuse the gift. Look into a car. Get what you need.

Ok…please hear me out and be kind posters as I am in a fragile state.

what if your parents see you as the successful one? It doesn’t sound like they see you as the feckless one otherwise they would have expected you to do what you want with the money. Your sister can’t use the money to pay off her mortgage but you can. That will bring you a lot of freedom and your parents must know that. They might not show it but they may well be as impressed by your achievement as the rest of us. They obviously want to make your life easier.

Take the money.

No need to be ungrateful or make a song and dance about it. Your parents are being very generous to both you and your sister. You said you need a new car. So just get one. Save your own money for investment.

OP please take the money, it would be madness not to. Whatever the conditions. But can you sit down with your parents (your mother particularly) and say just what you've said here? How far you've come, what you and your DCs have achieved, that you do all the running around for them so they think you're good enough for that, that your sister has got hers no strings and ask them outright why you have?

Whether she always was or whether it's because you got pregnant young, your sis is the golden child and you're the black sheep. That's why they ask you for all the errands not her, she is far too important and busy (in their/your mum's eyes).

Take all the mental strength you've shown to get where you are, and use it to stand up for yourself.

I think you would be mad to turn it down. Over the years my parents have helped out with some things like when our roof needed fixing. There has always been a bit of a condition attached to things. But I think it's fair enough if they are gifting a chunk of money

This I don't understand. If you're gifting it, you're gifting it. No conditions attached. If you're loaning it, add your conditions

Actually saying how I feel? Are you mad?!

I am joking obviously! But yes, I do have a problem with that, especially face to face.

I am thinking of emailing them. They live about 100 yards from where I am sat now (coincidence!) and the thought of a face to face conversation is hard, so maybe that is the way to go.

They know that I am not happy, they know that I am withdrawing and I am certain that they know why, but they will convince themselves that I will "come round eventually" as I always have. Because it was easier. Always did it for my sister.

Its a school night but bugger it, just opened some wine. Not at work until tomorrow PM!

Take the money, buy the car, sell the car at a loss, save the money