to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

Your relationship with your parents is making you cry, I really get that. Please don’t turn down an amazing opportunity to make your life better because of your mum.

If you buy a car then sell it, they're going to notice. They seem to have specifically asked you to use the money for a car.
It's their choice what conditions they attach to their gift.
It's your choice whether to accept it or not.
The fact that you're so ungrateful and so incensed about their conditions hints that you have a very different attitude to money than they do and hence just reinforces their concerns.

Sleep on it a bit OP. It’s very unfair that yours comes with strings attached

I totally get why you'd be so tempted not to take it. Your parents sound like a-holes.

BUT... it seems you can choose

a) to have a-hole parents OR
b) to have a-hole parents AND 25k extra... even if you 'must' spend it on a car.

I know which I'd pick. They're not going to change. But god, mightn't you kick yourself when your current car dies and you don't have a lump sum to buy a new one?! Grab the new car and pay your mortgage off as you were planning to.

As a disabled, widowed & therefore single parent, with not enough to buy milk AND bread tomorrow, I'm finding it realllly hard to feel sorry for you right now OP! This is essentially a free car at the very least! Be grateful for god's sake

I'd take the money and accept I'd have to buy a new car. Because doing so will leave you mortgage free and with a brand new car.

So no mortgage, no car repairs or mot for 3 yrs, and still earning the same as usual. You are still going to better off than if you refuse. The mortgage and car payments can just go straight into a savings account.

And then, I'd distance myself from my parents and ignore whatever control they think they have.

Take the money.
Buy the car.
Sell the car.
Take the money.

Would a free car help you buy milk and bread tomorrow?

Which is the OP's point. I'm sure you'd rather have money than an expensive item. Or would you genuinely be happy if someone bought you an overpriced car when they know you can't put food on the table?

My diamond shoes are not too tight.

Because I do not own diamond shoes.

I do not want diamond shoes.

I would adore the diamond shoes that I had bought for myself, but until then I will happily clod along in my George at Asda.

I completely understand op, my 'generous' mother's gifts always come with a little dig at me but if I refuse them she will give even more to my brother just to spite me. After years of saying no i've learnt to accept the money as at least I've got the money as she will make me feel shit either way. It's her now (in her late 80's) her only way to still get at me and nothing is going to change at her age. Enjoy the fantastic feeling of paying off your mortgage

Tbh it really doesn't sound like it's about money or dad or sister etc. It sounds like you have a problem with your mum that needs sat down and dealt with as your both grown adults. I really don't think your parents mean anything badly.Think of the positives they are clearly there for you and your sister which is a heck of a huge thing. Maybe try and get your mum go out for coffee to a neutral space and talk properly. Good luck with everything 🙂 and I'm very impressed how good a job your doing with house etc that's amazing aswell

if they think you're feckless with money even after all this time and evidence to the contrary NOTHING will change their mind - that's your role - you refusing the money will confirm it and do absolutely nothing else.

they will see it as evidence of your putting emotions over financial sense.

look at it like you're getting a free car as a gift and some help with your mortgage.

use the money you would have spent on a cheaper car for something lovely for you and your kids.

detach from the emotions, take the gift - not for yourself, for the betterment of your kids lives

I can see why they don’t want the money to be spent on little items here and there which is what a savings account might wisely be used for. They want it to have one big impact.

if a car is not the best way to use this money, why not suggest to them that the money go into a long term savings fund for your own retirement. That will have a big impact and it will end the micromanaging. They transfer money over to you and you won’t be touching it for several years yet while it sits and hopefully grows. Basically, take their money, but take away the power for them to judge how it is being used. Even a car they might be able to comment on how clean you keep it or what brand of oil you use.

Can your sister help? As in call mum and say mum get a grip give pyong Yang a cheque like you did me. I’m going to come over and watch you transfer it, this is bloody unfair.

Buy the most expensive car they will pay for. Sell it. Get a smaller car and put the rest in savings.

It's a horrible inefficient way to use the money, but the only way. Unless you can sit down and explain that you intend to do that and why, and you think they'll change their minds.

If you want money in savings, surely you can put that there in the coming years with the money you save by having your mortgage paid off?

Aren't you pleasant?
YANBU OP

I would love to in a position to turn down £25k. That's 2 years wages for me.

I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face, but if it will make you feel better then turn it down.

I agree with those who suggest asking your sister to speak up for you. You are helping her out hugely by the sounds of things.

Surely she can point out that if you’re trustworthy enough to run around after your parents, raise 6 kids and hold down a job you can use money in a way that benefits you the most.

OP I kind of get it but it sounds as though your parents have the best intentions even if they are not quite getting it right. I only have small DC but my DH and I have a plan for when they are old enough we would like to gift them money for a house deposit. This will also be a strings attached gift I suppose as I will not be handing over a sum of money for them to do whatever they want with it.

The problem is that it is easy to blow a few thousand pounds on “stuff” where you have nothing of any value to show for it at the end. I think your parents are worried about this for you and want the money to have a bigger, more life changing impact. I can see why you are perceiving their actions as not trusting you but you are cutting off your nose to spite your face if you do not accept the money. From their point of view, if you have a new car this will reduce your monthly outgoings enormously as most come with warranties for a few years, cheaper tax/insurance, more fuel efficient etc plus paying off the rest of the mortgage will surely allow you to start to build your own buffer of savings?

I'd rather be annoyed at them whilst mortgage free and a new car on the drive, than annoyed at them and still finding 18 months worth of mortgage money and an old car on the drive! But you do you. I could never be so upset over a gift of £25k. There must be a reason they don't want you having free run with it.

@PyongyangKipperbang I really don’t think a lot of you understand the OPs parents went behind her back to her ex and asked him to get the mortgage redemption figure. They then redeemed the mortgage.

Next they want to hold her hand like a child as they go into the car dealership, sit down and decide what car they think the OP should have, then write the cheque which will use up all of the “gifted” money.

Compared to her sister who was given a cheque for £25 and trusted to spend it how she wishes.

OP is considered feckless by her parents and not to be trusted with money but is the one who is expected to have the time to be at her parents beck and call.

@PyongyangKipperbang people just don’t get it. I would refuse the money and practice saying to your parents sorry I can’t do xyz as I’m busy with 6 children and working 65 hours, try asking sister as she works far less hours than I do. Rinse and repeat.

I suspect they will say don’t forget we paid the mortgage, you say yes but you gave sister £x more so if that was to buy help then she needs to do her share.

This is not being disloyal to your DSis, it’s about you saying no to your parents and getting them to hear you. No need for a confrontation just a change in behaviour so you no longer fit the role your parents have assigned you.

I can completely sympathise OP. Your mother is controlling (and i suspect is very good at making you feel guilty), and I suspect your father goes along with it for an easy life. (Sounds exactly how my parents were.) I have been in a similar position to you many times... not with large sums, but with the same strings attached. I would rather cut off my nose to spite my face than take ANYTHING from my mother. You have done amazingly well despite her, so no, YANBU. Good luck xx