to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

Take the money and then tell them it's up to you what you do with it. What can they do once you've got it?

My mother used to do this too. It made me really angry, in the end I went low contact and didn't mention the money she'd given after the initial thank you and she never knew if I'd spent it on what she wanted or not.

She has dementia now and I'm in control of her money...

A brand new seat arona or similar small suv is aBout 25k.take it .

@PyongyangKipperbang
Mum is that you - priceless!
Sooo funny, I laughed out loud.
I'm on your side btw, it is humiliating, I'd be having a full and frank conversation with DM

How do thet know how much is left on your mortgage? My parents would have no idea of that unless I'd told them.

I'd take the money and say it will pay off your mortgage, or if for some reason they know your exact outstanding balance then maybe get some kind of home improvement done that would save you money longer term (insulation or new boiler or something). Or just say how relieved you are to be able to not stress about an unexpected expense or repair bill.

My parents don't treat us siblings equally financially (for good reasons, we don't all have the same opportunities and some have had worse luck than others) but if they were giving out lump sums I would like to think it would be one instance where they would treat us equally.

This is where I am at the moment.

I am asking WIBU because I dont want to cut our noses off to spite our faces, me and the kids still at home.

But the lack of trust and the way I am still treated as a feckless teen despite being the person who takes them to hospital appointments, looks after my ill father so mother can have a day off, did all their shopping and set up their Tesco shopping as vulnerable people during Covid.....worked 15 hour days and still did all that when everything opened up again. And my sister "well she is at work so we didnt like to ask her...." I was working 65 hour weeks!!

My sister would offer and they would say "oh no its ok, Pyong will do it".

I just wish that they had never bloody started this. I thought that things had improved over the last 15 years or so and the last three years I thought it was as it should be....and now I found out that nothing has changed really.

Its not about the money. I dont want the fucking money.

Actually.

I am saying no to the money. I have decided.

Thank you for helping me articulate my thoughts.

If you refuse the money you don't have a new car and you still pay your mortgage. Take the money and the car and save the money you would have spent running the old car or fixing it and mortgage to buy your 'new washing machine'

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face

I do get where you are coming from, but have you actually said this is what i plan to do - x for mortgage, x for car and x for a savings cushion. No you shouldn’t have to say it but have you said it? Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face, I do get how hard it is.

@Roundabout78

glad to see yet another Mnetter who didn’t read the post, it’s not the gift it’s the being treated like a child, when the sister is just given the cash.

as a mother of 6, with only a small mortgage I would feel the same. If £25k was handed over to one it should be to the other

Ah well......how do they know how much is on the mortgage?

That is the LOOOOONG version.

Basically my divorce financial order my ex is still on the mortgage so they went behind my back and asked him. Yes, there has been a bloody great row there too.

And in full admission, I suspect that if my sisters mortgage had been able to be paid off then I suspect that it would have been with the same T&C but any remainder would have simply been handed over. My sister said the same. She feels probably worse about this than I do.

Did they ask you first or just go straight to him? Your parents sound over bearing, but they are giving you a HUGE amount of money. You won’t have a mortgage to pay once they have paid that off. Use that for savings. I understand your resentment but you are letting your heart rule your head here.

Could you spent £10k on a car and put £15k to the mortgage? If you need a new car anyway surely it makes sense?

Or is it that you have to spend the whole £25k on a car or else you get nothing?

Before you say no I would have a long conversation with them articulating what you said here, and that you are upset that they treat both of you so differently, but expect you to help them out even though they consider you so untrustworthy when it comes to money. I would also point out why you want a cheaper car, and savings so that you don’t worry each month of a sudden bill comes in

then if they still insist refuse the money. I would also start saying no to helping them all the time, they can ask your sister to help as well

Just take the money does it really matter what they think of you? It sounds like their perception of you isn't going to change. Only you can deal with that mentally by not letting their perception of you change how you feel about yourself. If they were asking for something in return, that would be different, but they are not.

Its 25k total. Will leave me with less than that for a car after the mortgage has been paid off. Really, with house prices as they are some of you will laugh with derision at how little it is.

The mortgage is already being dealt with. Ex has agreed it and so did I when I realised how much the money would do for my sister. Its only since then that I have realised that I am Pinocchio and my sister is not, so this about the remainder.

My father spoke to me a little, my mother went straight to ex.

I totally understand, OP. I agree with you.

Get the car, sell it and do whatever you want with the money.

Youve raised 6 children on your own and paid your mortgage off by 50, hats off to you. Weather you dont have savings behind you or not, dont loose sight of what youve achieved.
I get the dilema, but Id turn it down, because its always going to bug you and will fester, accepting the money discredits that, it would always be... but you accepted it.
Id just say I really appreciate the offer, I really do but the way that it was done has made me feel untrusted and hurt and so for that reason I'll say Thankyou but no thankyou.

Have you actually told them you have no savings or would your mum berate you for that and still insist on everything that's left going on a car ?

You're an amazing person who has achieved a tremendous amount and demonstrated your competence and maturity.

I know what it's like to be treated like some kind of incompetent because of some role you were assigned at a very young age.

I'm guessing that in some respects your family has a dysfunctional dynamic (perhaps for example your mother is somewhat narcissistic), in which situation one person is given the role of the family fuck up to direct attention away from the real dysfunction at the heart of the family dynamics. You seem to have been given this role; it has nothing to do with your actual qualities or past behaviour.

You can sit down with both your parents and be clear about the terms in which you will accept the money. Stress that your sister has been able to choose how to spend her money and you want to be accorded the same respect. Don't be distracted by any projections or deflections they try to use. Just stick to the point: you want to be treated equally to your sister. Unless they actually chose her house, then their insisting on choosing your car for you means they are treating you differently and with less respect.

It means you are setting your boundaries and it may be more valuable to you than the money in the long term.

I’ve had similar with my parents, they have helped me out financially with cars but then insisted on me getting a more expensive car than I wanted, it broke down constantly and the replacement parts/insurance were more expensive too. Also they have ideas about how you shouldn’t buy a car more than a few years old/more than 40000 miles on the clock but modern cars last much better than they used to. And also having lots of money, their approach is decide what you want and pay however much that is, rather than work out what you can afford and what is the best car for that price! And similarly they trust my brother much more than me with money despite the fact I have never asked them to bail me out/made flashy purchases so I definitely feel your pain!

“My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing”

Snap, you’ve hit the nail on the head in your parents attitude, I think.
Your idea of having a good used car and savings is also far more sensible than your parents idea of a new car —- maybe that’s because they want to pint out they bought that?
Think you can only point out your sister’s money came unconditionally, yours should too.

If you don't want the money what about suggesting they split it and give it to your kids..

I think you would be mad to turn it down. Over the years my parents have helped out with some things like when our roof needed fixing. There has always been a bit of a condition attached to things. But I think it's fair enough if they are gifting a chunk of money.

Just buy a decent a car as you can & keep some money back for emergencies.

Are you paying rest of mortgage off? Maybe that will free you up to save? Even if it's £200/month?