to refuse this "gift"

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

I think your sister is better with money. She has accepted 25k with a smile on her face and you’re thinking of telling them to shove it? You do the maths. Just take the money, get the nice new car, yeah it would be nice to have a bit left over for savings for a washing machine or a rainy day but don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You’re not yet 50, you’ll be mortgage free, with a brand new car on the drive. It’s not exactly an awful position to be in.

Is there any way you and your DSis could talk to her together? Your DSis could point out that it is very unequal for you to have strings attached to your gift.

you could say that you don’t want a new car for a while but would like to have something in savings towards your retirement fund. Surely even your DM can see that that is being sensible with the money and not frittering it away?

I wouldn’t turn it down. I’d even go to the lengths of getting a car and selling it for a downgrade shortly after. You’d still have something in the bank and your DM would have to learn that you can’t control others no matter how hard you try.

Swallow your pride and take it. It’s money - and it will help you - their attitudes and control aren’t your problem at the end of the day, they need to live with themselves.

even if you have to put it on a car - it’s still help, isn’t it, and it’s not going to tie you into agreeing with their opinion of you

Why not point out that whilst using the money to pay off a mortgage is an investment buying a new car is not. So to make the most of their gift you'll be investing some of the money.

Op, whatever you decide, can you consider being open with your sister about the unfairness of 'Oh no it's ok, Pyong will do it?'. I think she needs to see that it's not fair/ethical to say 'oh okay then great' to that. She should step up and say 'well, Pyong does much more than her fair share I know, despite having always had a very full on job and raising 6 kids, so we're going to be splitting this stuff more fairly from now on."

"I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend."

Ask her to speak up for you.

I get where you’re coming from, and understand why you’re angry, but you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Take the money - you’ll have a paid off mortgage and a decent car, and then you could use the money you’d have otherwise spend on them to build up savings.

A brand new car at the moment you'd be able to drive it away sell it for more than you paid!

New / nearly new are very hard to get. Some cars are on 12-24mths delivery time scales.

Op think very carefully about what you want to do.

If you look at it dispassionately though, a new car will cost less to maintain than an older car. Yes, they depreciate, but so what. We turn our cars over every 4 years now as you get 4-5 years out of them only having to pay fuel/registration/insurance and routine servicing. Zero repair costs and even if there were it’s under warranty anyway for a new car. So, our second hand cars then become someone else’s repair problems. So I can see the sense in that.

My in-laws were like this. You would just say something in general conversation and next thing they were demanding amounts and sending cheques directly to people rather than giving us money. We could always afford it, never asked them for money, always said, no it’s okay and they would insist. But with a cheque or they would accompany you - like we may have gone and purchased a brick of smack with it instead🤣. Then they would tell everyone that they HAD to help us out, they did this, they did that, without them we’d be stuffed. Instead of getting outraged, we just laughed. How funny. No point cutting your nose off. Irrespective of what they told people we came out on top financially from their mentally ill batshit behaviour so had the last laugh really.

Your mother sounds like a right nasty controlling interfering bitch.

I can well imagine you wanting to tell her to shove her money.

I think you need to be a LOT less available.

She needs to be calling people that are more responsible than you for her appointments and jobs.

She has made you her scapegoat child.

Stop putting up with it.

You sound amazing.

Stop being bullied by her.

Drop the rope.

Hand it over to golden child sister.

A gift should make you smile, not cry.

All it's doing it's doing is making me cry.

But after you take the money. I would see taking it as being for your DC. It frees up some of your money to invest. Maybe not as much as if you had total free reign. But definitely more than if you just refuse it. Do not cut off your nose!

I don't think your sister is all that great either, from what you say. You weren't going to take their "strings attached" money and then you changed your mind because your sister told you how much it would help her. Why is she telling you that? Why does she need their money when she herself and her husband have good jobs? Your parents don't ask your sister to do stuff for them because "she works" even though you also work. Why doesn't your sister stand up for you and say, "Stop asking Pyong to do things, she's busy and also works long hours, I am offering to help. When is dad's appointment? I will be there at 3:45 pm to pick him up."

On the other hand, I don't see the problem with getting a new car. Yes, it loses value as soon as you drive it off the lot, but if you pick a reliable and trustworthy brand, make, and model, you should not have to pay a lot for maintenance the first few years and you will have a reliable car. That will enable you to avoid budgeting for car repairs for those few years and thus will enable you to build up an emergency fund. Money is fungible: money you don't have to spend on Thing A is money you have available for Thing B.

I am worried about the fact your ex was, from what you describe, physically abusive in a very dangerous way, and yet your parents are in contact with him. Although they seem to think you have poor judgement in financial matters, the fact they are in contact with him calls their judgement into question. I assume you have talked to them about this. What was their excuse?

Hmm I’ve thought a lot about this since reading the thread and I think in your position I’d say I was turning down the rest of the money (as it clearly has strings attached). I’d actually be considering their motivation (especially your mum) and I’d be suspecting it was control. As she gets older she/they may need even more help and particularly in your case, she’ll be able to say “we paid off your mortgage and bought you a brand new car”. This will become the narrative regardless of the fact that your mortgage was nearly paid off and you didn’t want a new car. She may have earmarked you as the person to take care of her/them in their old age. She may not view your sister in quite the same way if she’s married and you are single (and free to take care of them) and although the amount is the same, it’s not paying off your sister’s whole mortgage like it is with you. Anyway maybe I’m overly suspicious but I wouldn’t want this being held over me for evermore so if I could manage, I’d be turning it down. If she purely wanted to make life easier for you with this gift, she wouldn’t be trying to control what you’re doing with it.

Have you asked your sister to come up with a strategic plan together - a plan where she's taking the lead in convincing your parents to be fair? Your parents are not on your team - hopefully she is. Is there a reason she isn't speaking up for you? She feels bad now - she can address those feelings by doing something about it.

Another vote for taking the money. The problem is whatever your decision will be it won’t change your parents attitude. So it’s better to do what’s convenient for you and your kids and welcome extra money. I would talk however with your sister about unfairness of the gift , what does she think about all these conditions? Could she point this to your mum?

I think the main problem is that you live near by, I would think about moving in the future.

How do your parents know how much is left to pay off on your mortgage? Just accept the money, say it's all going on the mortgage, then do what the heck you want with it.

I wouldn’t take a penny from them. You’ve done so well on your own and you can continue to do so. You only have 18 months to go and if you pay it off yourself it will feel brilliant. I guarantee if you take any money from them they will mention it every time you see them for the rest of their lives. It’s not worth it

I am asking WIBU because I dont want to cut our noses off to spite our faces, me and the kids still at home.

I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face - even though your emotions around all of this are completely understandable and the dynamic is familiar to me. Get the mortgage paid off, get the car - try to talk sense with the more sensible one, your father, first. Suck it up and sort your emotions later in therapy or with good friends. It really isn't worth taking a symbolic stand on.

Op please don't cry over it.

A new car is one that should keep you going happily for the next 10 years plus. Take it enjoy choosing it and picking the colour. By the time your ready to replace it all your kids will be adults.
2-3 years ago cars dropped in value very quickly, a shortage of chips and covid has meant a drop in production. Cars are really holding or increasing their value.

Exactly this

@PyongyangKipperbang "It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening."

Has it been stated outright or just implied? If it has only been implied, perhaps you have got the wrong end of the stick. Have you explained that you want a mid-range car and some savings in the bank?

It's all about control with your mother isn't it. Judgement and control. She's going to do this thing, which you don't even want, then feel all smug with herself. And potentially use it against you in the future. I can understand you not wanting to give in to her. It would be a "win" for you. But, it will be you who will suffer, unfortunately. So, I think, take the car, then sell it in a few months. It's a waste of money, but you'll still have more money than you will have if you say no.

I second this.

YABU to talk about kids as if not being “high achievers” is something to be ashamed of. You sound exhausting. Try to stop overthinking and enjoy the fact that the worst of your troubles is having to accept £25k!