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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse this "gift"

357 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2023 22:44

Short version.

Parents decided to give my sister and I £25k each. In theory it was to pay off our mortgages as they wanted us to have financial security. Except that while this plan was in its infancy my sister and her husband moved. So they now have a much bigger mortgage than this money can pay off. But they do have a "doer upper" and due to covid blah blah the money thing didnt happen and my sister took a back step in her career for work/life balance. So they give my sister a cheque, hers to do with as she wishes.

Mine is partly going on the mortgage pay off (not a lot as bought at the arse end of the last recession and only have 18 months to go) and the rest was to be given to me. I need a new car, we all know this.

Except now............I am being expected to go car shopping and the rest of the money to go on that. It has been implied that the money going into my savings until I am ready to decide how much I want to spend on a car, what I want the rest for (savings, I have none) will not be happening.

I have always known that my mother thinks I am the feckless one and my sister the savvy one. My sister has always earned well and so has her husband. I have earned well but as a single parent with a very abusive (aka tried to murder me) exH I struggled. Sometimes I have struggled for money. I am stable now and have been for a long time but she has never ever trusted me, ironic as I am the person she calls whenever she needs something.

The mortgage thing is a done deal, cant change that, but WIBU to turn down the rest of this "gift"? To me a gift that comes with strings is not a gift but an obligation, and it has brought up so many old feelings of how my mother views me.

I cannot afford to turn it down, it would be life changing. I was looking into the best way to make the most of it, which (safe) investments would be the best, how to have some easily accessed in case of emergency but the rest there for longer term. But no.......I need to be watched. I should have a grown up with me when I choose a car and the grown up will pay for it instead of me having the money in my hand.

Frankly right now I feel like telling them to shove it. I am definitely on the side of saying "Thanks but no thanks" and telling them that they should give it to the child they trust to spend it "wisely". I have no issue with my sister, she is my best friend. I only agreed to this bloody fucking stupid plan in the first place because I knew it would make such a difference to her. I never wanted their damn money.

FWIW.....I am almost 50, work, had a year and a half to pay on the mortgage and am the mother 6 amazing kids, 4 adults, 1 about to turn 18 and an 11 year old. All the older ones have amazing careers or are studying at top uni's/high achievers. I am not some scumbag drug addled alky who will spunk it on heaven knows what!

My crime I think was having a baby at 17......that marked my card for life. Everything I have achieved since means nothing.

OP posts:
CantTrampoline · 13/02/2023 05:39

Diamondsmile · 13/02/2023 05:36

@PyongyangKipperbang I really don’t think a lot of you understand the OPs parents went behind her back to her ex and asked him to get the mortgage redemption figure. They then redeemed the mortgage.

Next they want to hold her hand like a child as they go into the car dealership, sit down and decide what car they think the OP should have, then write the cheque which will use up all of the “gifted” money.

Compared to her sister who was given a cheque for £25 and trusted to spend it how she wishes.

OP is considered feckless by her parents and not to be trusted with money but is the one who is expected to have the time to be at her parents beck and call.

@PyongyangKipperbang people just don’t get it. I would refuse the money and practice saying to your parents sorry I can’t do xyz as I’m busy with 6 children and working 65 hours, try asking sister as she works far less hours than I do. Rinse and repeat.

I suspect they will say don’t forget we paid the mortgage, you say yes but you gave sister £x more so if that was to buy help then she needs to do her share.

This is not being disloyal to your DSis, it’s about you saying no to your parents and getting them to hear you. No need for a confrontation just a change in behaviour so you no longer fit the role your parents have assigned you.

100% this.

Noicant · 13/02/2023 05:39

I would take the money, buy the car then say “its a heap of shit and was costing me a fortune in repairs so sold it and now have a ten year old fiat punto, thanks mum!”

JennyJenny8675309 · 13/02/2023 05:43

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2023 22:56

I’d tell them to keep it as well OP. I’d be really fucked off too.

You clearly have made a great success of your life and they can’t move past some stupid narrative that you’re the fuck up.

Don’t tell them to keep the money! You’ll be better off with a car and no savings than no car and no savings, FFS.

PriOn1 · 13/02/2023 05:54

I can completely understand turning down the money and keeping your self respect, so if that’s what you are intending, then it’s better that way.

If there is a lingering hope that when you refuse the money, it will trigger a discussion and your mother might come round, then work on the assumption that she won’t and might just see it as contrary.

I feel so sad for you, OP. It’s truly shitty to be in this situation, but I wonder whether you need to stop doing things for them as well, again for your own self-respect. Whatever you decide, I hope it eventually brings you some peace.

autienotnaughty · 13/02/2023 05:54

I get it but I think I'd put up to get the money. Choose a car you want and if they want to come too fine. Then if asked what about the rest of the money I would say you don't want to spend more than needed on a car and would prefer to have some savings incase car needs fixing or boiler goes etc. Then say you want to put it in xyz so it can make some money but if parents don't want to give it to you that's fine they don't have to it's their money.

There's a psychology model called Parent, Adult , Child and it's about how we interact with one another. Your sister and parents seem to have an Adult:Adult relationship. But your parents still go into parent mode with you which makes you feel like (and potentially react like) a child. Don't fall in to the trap. Accept the payment for the car that YOU want and let them decide what to do with the remainder. It is their money after all.

PriOn1 · 13/02/2023 05:56

And I understand the sentiment of being better off financially with a car but no savings, but this is all about self-respect.

I’d rather be poor with my self-respect intact than financially better off without it. Indeed, that’s why I’m divorced.

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2023 06:02

It sounds like this money is just a way to exert more control or attempt to control you - all sounds toxic really, don’t take it and don’t see them anymore.

HarlanPepper · 13/02/2023 06:14

I would just take the money. They will never change their essential opinion of you, so it's not like, by refusing the money, you'll be making the statement you think you are. You said yourself you can't really afford to turn it down. So don't.

maryofthevirginkind · 13/02/2023 06:41

Tell them you want to put it in your pension?

Nutmegger · 13/02/2023 06:49

I'd love to help you. You sound in a lot of pain. I really urgently think you should take this money. And you should take control of this situation. You'll be furious about this for the rest of your life anyway.

Take the money, buy the stupid car. Withdraw from your mother, you obvs hate her. Wait a few months. Sell the car. Say that an urgent need came up. Don't tell them why. Invest the money how you want. Yes you'll have made a loss re the car but you'll have regained control.
Make sure that you anticipate how you'll feel. In years to come you need to feel satisfied about how you handled this shitshow.

IhearyouClemFandango · 13/02/2023 06:59

I understand how you feel, and would feel similarly. Could you go to them with your chosen investment vehicle and say right, out of the 18k (or whatever) left I want to put £8k in this savings thing for xyz emergencies and the kids. With the remaining £10k I I would like this approved used car with 2 year warranty or whatever.

If they still say no, then you have even.more thinking to do.

Ketchupwee · 13/02/2023 07:04

Tinkerbyebye · 12/02/2023 23:22

Before you say no I would have a long conversation with them articulating what you said here, and that you are upset that they treat both of you so differently, but expect you to help them out even though they consider you so untrustworthy when it comes to money. I would also point out why you want a cheaper car, and savings so that you don’t worry each month of a sudden bill comes in

then if they still insist refuse the money. I would also start saying no to helping them all the time, they can ask your sister to help as well

I haven't RTFT but this is what I was going to say

Tontostitis · 13/02/2023 07:05

Say no, you've done an amazing job with your life and do not need to submit to this type of control. Having the mortgage cleared is an amazing achievement and youve done 95% of it on your own. Your mother should be incredibly proud of you, I would be. Trust your first instinct.

Companyofwolves · 13/02/2023 07:16

@PyongyangKipperbang can you start pulling back on your involvement with them & get your sister to start taking them to hospital & other appointments for a change?

I agree with getting her also to advocate for you re the new car. I suspect they worry savings will disappear & want to make sure you have something to show for it.

Its v hurtful & controlling & the role assigned to you in the family dynamic is not your fault.

I’d be careful that if you refuse the money they’ll end up giving it to your sister!!

On balance if you take the emotion out of it a new car (even with no input from you & not your choice) & your mortgage paid off is still better than nothing.

But the emotional cost may just be a step too far….

mumda · 13/02/2023 07:30

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2023 23:18

Ah well......how do they know how much is on the mortgage?

That is the LOOOOONG version.

Basically my divorce financial order my ex is still on the mortgage so they went behind my back and asked him. Yes, there has been a bloody great row there too.

Ex still on the mortgage? They'd be paying his mortgage off too.

whatchaos · 13/02/2023 07:35

YABVU in your disgusting use of language ('scumbag drug addled alky')

Dibbydoos · 13/02/2023 07:36

You've done great! Seriously, I've had a great career and still owe nearly £200k on my mortgage!
Take the money. Pay off your mortage add a few grand to that cost if you need to tell them how much it cost and put that few grand into savings. Use the rest for a car, you deserve it!
Well done 🙌

VestaTilley · 13/02/2023 07:36

Firstly OP- good for you! Raising six DC alone 😱 I am so impressed. I’m so sorry your DPs treat you like this, they sound controlling.

Can you afford a solicitor? A gift is a gift, unless they give it to you with a written contract on how the money can be spent (don’t know how legal that would be), then they can’t “make you” spend the rest on the car.

Would they accept you putting it in to a pension?

If they continue to be so controlling I’d just decline the rest of it, but do speak to a good solicitor first.

NattyNamechanger · 13/02/2023 07:37

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2023 22:53

Mum, is that you?

The fact that a car that costs all of the remainder would be less use to me than a cheaper (and still good) car AND savings in the bank in case (say) said car needs a new clutch, is not an issue to you?

I am stable but I cannot afford to save. To me it would be wonderful to know I have a cushion in savings just in case. If the washing machine were to conk out right now I would be FB looking for one that might last a year or so, and in a year or so I would be there again.....

Surely savings and a half decent car is better than an almost brand new car and no savings?!

Show quote history

Just buy the car and then save what you would have used to pay the mortgage.Confused

You say they treat you like a child but tbh you sound very petulant.
You feel like you are stuck with their view of you?
Look up transactional analysis.
Currently you are in child and them in critical parent.
Pull yourself over to adult and it forces them into the same mode of behaviour.
Then going forward, maintain " adult" quite firmly and set some boundaries.
Give yourself a huge pat on the back for what you have achieved!

MissingMoominMamma · 13/02/2023 07:38

I’d be so tempted to go with them and let them choose the car, then sell it and tell them it went so badly wrong that it was unfixable…

I know exactly how you’re feeling OP. My self worth would’ve kicked in here too.

Mooda · 13/02/2023 07:44

YANBU

Easy to say 'be grateful' but gifts with conditions are not gifts. Hard to understand if you've not experienced it but yes it is demeaning, especially at age 50. Have you talked through the savings option though - do they actually understand your alternative plan of how to use the money?

Phatgurlslym · 13/02/2023 07:47

PPs can say what they like about your parents - controlling etc - but the offer of money is essentially kind. They want you to be ok. And at this time when so many can’t afford heat or food. Maybe for some
reason they feel you need their help more than your sister does.

someone once gave me an exercise to try: I had to simply listen to my mother without judgement. I was to let her talk. Even if my mind wandered off I was to make noises as if I really was listening to her (uh-huh’s nodding etc). By the end of the call I really was listening because I was hearing mum for the first time. I heard her vulnerability. It was a turning point in our relationship.

I am not saying this is you but sometimes
we get so entrenched in how we think our parents see us that any gesture is overlayed with that.

The money is a kind gesture. Accepting it might also be a gesture of kindness.

Lovesacake · 13/02/2023 07:49

You know once you own the car you can sell it, get a cheaper one and keep some for savings?

Twiglets1 · 13/02/2023 07:49

My advice would be to send them an email/ letter explaining how they have hurt your feelings. But don’t reject the money. Second hand cars of a year or two cost almost as much as new cars at the moment. If you don’t believe me visit a new car showroom ( for the sort of car you want) and have a chat with the salespeople there. It’s because new cars are taking about a year to be made at the moment so anyone in a hurry to get a car has to buy a second hand one.
Don’t rush to turn down 25k out of emotion. Think how long it would take to earn that money.

Nanalisa60 · 13/02/2023 07:52

Take the money, the mortgage will be paid off you will have a lovely car, so you will be able to save loads of your own money to go into your savings