To ask what boarding school is like

[Thesweetlife]

I went to a ‘normal’ state school and so did all my friends, both when I was a child and now. My life in my childhood/early teen years consisted of going to school, going home, eating tea with my family, watching TV, saw my friends on the weekends etc. It was quite a mundane life but I was very happy in my school days. I guess I wonder what it’s like to go to boarding school. How was your (or your DC’s) life different to that of the normal child/teen? Where you happy at your time at boarding school? Have you been shaped by it in the long run? How did it influence you in the long run? What sort of things went on that someone who went to a day school would be surprised by?

You will get very mixed opinions.

I boarded age 9-13 at school A and then 13-18 at school B. Parents lived abroad so saw them only in school holidays. At school A, there were no phone calls. One letter per week was the only communication. It was roughly like Mallory Towers without the adventures. Just lessons and a lot of hanging around. Some people did OK. Some hated it and were miserable.

I did OK but still would never send my kids to boarding school.

DH attended BS from 8-18. He enjoyed it and it opened doors for him and gave him opportunities he wouldn't have had at state school. He has also said that there was a LOT that teachers didn't see and a lot happening that shouldn't happen.

He has always maintained he couldn't send his own children.

There is a boarding school topic OP - have a browse. It's fairly new I think but will be informative.

I think there's two questions, with different answers. The first one is "is flying the nest and living communally amongst peers a rite of passage that most people go through one way or another?". Phrased like that, there's nothing actually all that different about going to boarding school from going to university or joining the army or be taken into care. But the second question is "what is the optimum age for a child or young adult to have this experience?"

18? Most people cope well enough.
16? Sure, if they're mature, resilient and independent, why not?
13? Hmmm - they'd have to be exceptionally mature, resilient and independent.
11? Absolutely not.

I expect some of the responses in this thread will also hinge on the fact that many boarding schools are considered to be 'posh' - and any ingrained attitudes to this aspect of our school system will strongly influence the replies. I'd phrase it differently - if the school under consideration wasn't posh, would it change your perspective? For instance, I can't see the logical difference between sending an 11 year old to boarding school and taking an 11 year old into care - and you never get threads asking about whether the latter is a great experience for a child - everyone presumes that it's awful. Why is that?

I boarded from 11-18....loved it. I wouldn't say I utilised the experience academically but I had a great time. Both my kids board at the moment. One is a bit meh about it so is stopping this term and the other absolutely loves it. Some enjoy it and others don't as with most things.

individual experience depends on why you’re there in the first place

I was a day girl at a private girls school which was predominantly boarding. I would say the experience of boarding varied a lot, depending on the personal circumstances of the pupils.

Some had clearly been dumped there by parents who weren't interested in them, lived in the UK but rarely visited.
Some had parents who lived abroad and were at boarding school to try and establish some educational stability.
Some only came for a term then moved on as the money ran out.
Some had several close trusted friends whilst others were sad and lonely.
Without exception they were all jealous of the freedom the day girls had.

The classes were small which helped from an educational perspective, but I imagine that's the case in a private day school.

Girls schools don't have the same old boy network that boys schools have, so I don't think it confers a huge advantage in that respect. At least it didn't in my day.

My impression of the boarders was that while they had some laughs - hiding vodka under the floor boards in the dormitories, piercing each other's ears, generally larking around - they all preferred being at home. The had skewed ideas about life because they had minimal adult guidance. They essentially brought each other up.

I would never ever send my children to boarding school.

I went to private schools - one very posh and then one not really posh at all until 16.

I wasn’t a full time boarder but would board sometimes at the first one and then a lot more at the second one, particularly in year 11.

The first one - it was a big well known public school and as such there were lots of kids there who had been brought up to believe they were something special and there was a lot of bullying towards anyone they deemed subordinate. Some quite horrific sexual abuse going on, especially in the boys boarding houses. There was one boy who was made to perform a really horrific sex act in year 9, and then the perpetrators gleefully told everyone about what he’d done and he was bullied relentlessly. It was a horrible place.

At the second one, where I was boarding more, I guess by that age (14-16) there was a lot more scope for getting away with stuff than you’d have at home. Smoking, underage sex, sneaking drink from home…the ratio of staff to kids meant they couldn’t possibly know what we were doing at all times. One friend got pregnant in year 10 to another boarder. But I’d have much rather been at home. I found having to share a dorm with the same people I’d been in class with all day exhausting, there was no escape from them and no time just to be in my own little world.

Even when I was boarding a lot I was still going home at weekends. I don’t know how the full time boarders did it, it would have driven me nuts.

If he enjoyed it, then why couldn’t he send his own children to a boarding school? Surely he should be eager for them to have the same enjoyable experience?

I think parents who send their kids to boarding school thinking they'll be somehow kept away from all the "naughty" things teens do, couldn't be more wrong. It happens more than ever. If you think about it, in a household of 2-3 kids and 1-2 parents, you've got a reasonable chance of keeping them under control. In a boarding house of 30 kids and 1 adult (who doesn't really care and is basically doing a job), then you've got no chance.

At my school the boarders got up to much worse stuff than I did at home. They broke out at night, climbed down the fire escape, had sex in their boyfriends' cars, drank huge amounts of alcohol etc. One girl tragically gave birth in a basement and no one even knew she was pregnant. This was a very exclusive school that has had at least 2 princesses on its list of pupils.

@Brokenfurnitureandroses like I sai, because of all the other things that went on behind the scenes. As an overall picture, he enjoyed it, but as an adult, with hindsight, there was a lot wrong with it that he wouldn't want his children exposed to.

Boarding schools vary a lot. I went to a small city cathedral school where 90% of the kids were day pupils and a sorry little bunch of us were boarders. It was really shit. It was what my parents could afford and decided would do.

I have friends who went to fancy boarding schools and had a blast.

I would never send my kids to boarding school.

Not me, but a friend went at 11, as did her sister a year later.

They were only allowed to ring home twice a week; they both hated it.

My friend would never allow her own daughter to board, but hasn’t grown up too badly affected. Her sister on the other hand has grown up to embrace lots of…out there ideas. She’s clingy towards her own child to a weird degree, and is going to home educate her. Boarding can create a huge backlash.

Neither of them have gone on to have decent careers.

Honestly boarding school has probably very negatively affected me.
i boarded from age 11 to 18, parents in the forces and at the time I though we had no choice but to go. I hated the school, was bullied by both children and staff but couldn’t tell my parents as they constantly told me how expensive the school was and how I couldn’t come home because my education would suffer.

as an adult, for what I thought were unrelated reasons, I wound up in therapy where many of my struggles (I refuse to fully trust someone else, I expect huge independence from myself and others, I gobble food down because there was never enough food or choice, I could go on) were traced back to my school experiences. Some things may always have been in my character, some things may have been made worse by my experience at school. Either way there’s no way in hell I’d send my own children and run the risk of them having similar problems…

My dh went to one of the big all boys boarding schools 13-18. He hated it, especially the first three years. Didn’t mind sixth form too much. Main reason was he was in a bad year group in his boarding house and was very badly bullied. Obviously who is in your class matters at every school, but with houses and boarding school you can’t escape.

I have no clue how they used to be.

But I work in a boarding school. (Not 100% boarding I don't know if they exist but depending on year group 30-50% board)

While I'd never choose it for my own DC where I work appears to work hard to give the students a nice life when at school and obviously as with every school now pastoral care and support are much better than when we were growing up.

So I'd like to hope that nowadays they maybe aren't causing the damage that they used to.

Dp boarded - his told me sorta of tales of the antics they got up to worthy of a novel but mostly they were lonely boys drinking and smoking young to compensate. He and his siblings all boarded, all have mh issues - and yes they were definitely dumped there as that's what their family did (his father later confessed he hated boarding too whereas his mum liked her boarding school).

Conversely my dd boarded older out of choice at a specialist school on scholarship, she loved it but it wasn't my choice for her!

I went to boarding school aged 11-14. It shaped me hugely, and not in an altogether positive way. I’m only realising now, much later in life, having been a parent myself what it was that impacted me and how.

It’s those precious times when the DC get in from school and decompress. With my DS this manifested itself quite differently to my DD. As an introvert my DD needs time alone and quiet to regroup and gain energy. This just wasn’t possible in a boarding school environment. She is also able to come to me and ask me silly little casual questions that might seem more serious or worrying in a text or formal phone call. DS would probably have been OK at boarding school but it would have been horrific for DD. Who is just an average kid, really. Not especially anxious or any other issues, but a true home bird who likes her own space.

I always thought I was a true extrovert but realise now how much I value time alone, I think in part because at boarding school I never had any. Don’t underestimate how important this is, to any personality type.

DH and his brother boarded from age 8.
DH is a very stable, calm sort of person. He got on OK with boarding, and achieved well academically. Then Oxbridge and good job.
DBIL, on the other hand, cried for the first few weeks every term for years. Brothers had little opportunity to see each other. He played around, got into drugs and got expelled. He was a drug addict and alcoholic his whole life. He died of an overdose at age 46.

I believe DBILs life would have been so much better had he not gone to boarding school. He didn't cope with being away from home and family.
DH did OK, but probably would have wherever he went.

Oh - the other thing, that has no doubt changed now - was only allowed to wash hair once a week. Going through puberty you can imagine what this caused.

After I left I spent about 10 years washing my hair twice a day.

Read Boarding School Syndrome by Joy Schaverien.

I met a princess from an exiled European monarchy. That was my Mallory Towers experience.

I was a weekly boarder and loved it. But so much depends on the type of school, the reason you're there and (big one) the age you're sent. There is a world of difference between going because you want to at 13+ and being sent against your will at 7.

Agree with PP who said that boarding school does not keep children out of the way of sex, drink and drugs- quite the reverse.

I also think that boarding school would be absolutely hellish if you are being bullied. Obviously bullying can happen everywhere but at least at a day school you have some respite.

Have sent my own kids to a day school, make of that what you will.

This topic tends to get quite heated.

There is an AMA about being at a boarding school which you may find interesting.

Boarding school in the 80s is a world away from boarding school these days.

Some things don’t change though. Like the need for privacy.

I suspect the reason it gets heated is that people that have experienced it themselves want to discuss their trauma and parents who now send their children there want to justify it. I’m sure things have changed but not being at home after school each day and being surrounded by school colleagues 24/7 hasn’t.