To ask what boarding school is like

[Thesweetlife]

I went to a ‘normal’ state school and so did all my friends, both when I was a child and now. My life in my childhood/early teen years consisted of going to school, going home, eating tea with my family, watching TV, saw my friends on the weekends etc. It was quite a mundane life but I was very happy in my school days. I guess I wonder what it’s like to go to boarding school. How was your (or your DC’s) life different to that of the normal child/teen? Where you happy at your time at boarding school? Have you been shaped by it in the long run? How did it influence you in the long run? What sort of things went on that someone who went to a day school would be surprised by?

This is me
There were some phone calls
My boarding school friends are a bit like distant cousins now, i shared my childhood with them and think of some of them often
I was very privileged and had access to lots of cultural capital
We haven't managed to do as well finaically as I thought we would do private school not an option but my dc are doing well academically, though I wish there was more socially going on for them- I had a permanent sleepover
But looking at my dc now there is no way I could send them away and I secretly judge those who do pre gcse these days.

Agree with @Sarahcoggles about girls schools and the networks too

I would agree with this too. I have worked at a boarding school in the last 5 years and still wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
The staff do a magnificent job but they just aren't your parents and cannot be. Consequently there are a shit ton of teenagers drifting in the boarding world

I don't feel that having children at boarding school qualifies you as an expert in this I'm afraid, it's not you having the experience is it? Usually children don't recognise the damage that is being done at the time, they drink the kool aid and many feel they are in a position of advantage or privilege.

It's only later in life when they realise (if they do) how this has impacted them. IME there are broadly two responses, one is to bury it and bluster through life telling yourself that everything is ok and then have a massive breakdown at some point, (or just be deep down unhappy but refuse to acknowledge it or work out why), or recognise earlier that this was a very abnormal environment in which to grow up and seek some help and work through it all and try and address the resulting issues.

I think the attempts to justify sending a child away at a young age, unless there is a very good reason eg an earlier poster who had an abusive home life, either by the child or the parent are not really valid as the resulting damage is not visible until much later, generally.

@OldieButBaddie In my case I can compare the contemporary child’s experience with my own in the 20th century …

It does seem a little unreasonable to insist that only one side of the debate has a valid point of view … 🤷🏽‍♀️

A friend who went to a boarding school has a really warped idea of normal parental involvement. She think it is normal for parents to get bored of their kids and not want to spend time with them, or not to talk to your parents as a teenager about any problems you are having.

My two cousins went to boarding school in the late 80's. Both went from 11 my female cousin loved every minute and she is a very successful businesswoman and she lives abroad so sends her daughters to the same boarding school as she went to and they love it. Her older brother hated it and has lots of mental health issues and has never had a job earning more than £20,000 and several failed relationships. Definitely depends on the child. Neither cousin has a relationship with their parents as they don't really know them.

I think it should be acknowledged that the level of contact (face to face , phone, video call etc) a boarder has with their family can vary significantly and makes a huge difference.

I boarded from 11-18 in the 90s. Full boarding with parents overseas - that in itself was a big difference to the weekly boarders at my school. We wrote to each other (letters could take weeks to arrive) but other than that I usually didn't speak to my parents for 6 weeks at a time, and only went home in the long holidays (not half terms). I didn't speak to or see my brother during the whole term, he was at a different boarding school.

I didn't love it or hate it. We were physically safe, I had friends, few spats but wasn't relentlessly bullied had day girl friends who would sometimes take me home for the weekend. Growing up, it seemed quite normal. As my own kids got older, it seemed worse and worse. Now I have teenagers of my own I feel really sad for 13 year old me who had no adult input into anything other than my school work and physical safety for 6-13 weeks at a time. It was not ok and I would never in a million years send my children, unless they were very keen to weekly / flexi board in 6th form (not actually an issue as we could never afford it!).

Yes there is flexiboarding now, there is facetime etc etc. There are still plenty of full boarders who only go home in the holidays and whilst I appreciate that parents may have restricted choice about sending their kids (e.g military) I still don't think this is a good thing.

Of course, but if you went to boarding school yourself you will know you don't tell you parents everything! And you can't possibly know yet what impact it will have on your child. It's a huge gamble IMO and not one I would be prepared to take, but it's absolutely your choice and I hope you dcs come out as unscathed as possible.

Everybody I knew that went to BS has since vowed to never send their own kids. Which tells me a lot.

Kids need their parents to be around as much as possible. Emotionally and physically. Losing that damages them psychologically.

I only know one person who went to boarding school who sent their dcs and he has definitely not come to terms with what happened to him even though he has major addiction issues. Everyone else I know (and there are many!) wouldn't touch it with a bargepole for their dcs.

Look I don't think these things need to be heated while they are being debated.

I don't judge anyone who sends their kids away to boarding school as I would hope that people wouldn't judge me for not sending mine (my family excluding as thats parents of the course in my family)

Some kids may thrive some may not and all anyone can do it comment on their personal experience and ones of their children.

It's about knowing your kids and the strengths and cons to each.

My mum describes it as incredibly lonely place and wanting her parents. I think she like me is a home bird so to be separated from home for her must have been hell.

I must confess it's often seen as a path to high flyers club and I will say that maybe true in some cases. But it's also it can cause damage to people who need or want their parents and may fall into traps they wouldn't have fallen into so young (drugs being one I saw often) those people may have experienced it later on in life, but being older they may be hopefully a little wiser.

I think it hugely depends on the school being the right school for the child. I absolutely loved boarding school, but the school was the right fit for me and my parents took time to make sure they found the perfect school.

I would absolutely send my DC to boarding school, but I am fortunate that I live close enough to excellent schools where they can be day pupils.

The foreign princess comments make me think that some of us attended the same school.

you don't tell you parents everything!

I didn't tell mine anything until I was in my 40s and still haven't told all. There's no way I would now as they are old and frail. They were really shocked at some of the things I said and now regret sending me. It was hard to tell them as they thought it the best thing for me at the time and I didn't want them to feel bad when they heard the truth.

Re weekly boarding, I did some of that and my main memories are that I seemed to live out of a suitcase, always packing and being jerked back and forth, never settling.

My DS is currently at a boarding school, having chosen to move there for 6th form (it’s a specialist music school).
Although he’s a full boarder, he’s home every 3 weeks for exeat weekends and we visit to see him perform in concerts as often as possible, which means overall we see him pretty frequently.

He loves it. He enjoys being surrounded by people his own age all the time (we live rurally and his previous school was a 30 minute drive away, with long days and no time in the week to see friends after school), he enjoys having to be more independent (he does his own laundry, has to be part of the house cleaning rota etc) and tells us he thinks he’s matured and changed for the better since being there.
That said, I worry that he isn’t maybe working as hard as he’d be encouraged to if he was at home - he’s a bright lad but happy to coast at times, unless being pushed.
Also, there is a big intake from overseas so I worry that he won’t carry the friends he makes at school through his life, and although he’s stayed in touch with old school friends, he doesn’t see a lot of them because school holidays don’t coincide.

From a personal POV, I’m pleased he made his own choice to make the move and is happy, but I miss him hugely and it’s been/continues to be an emotional rollercoaster for me; I feel he is changing, which of course comes with age, but maybe it’s happening in a way that’s making him less close to us than if he’d been living at home?
Its too easy for him to duck under the radar if we want to try to talk to him about anything deep, for example.

I went from 11-18, all-girls school. Enjoyed it. No damage emotionally; good education. Close to parents and brothers - see them v frequently, go on holidays etc. That doesn’t mean it suits everyone - as @Cathpot says - it is a big risk.

brother would send his kids (13+) if he has enough money. I probably wouldn’t due to high cost and the high risk (eg unable to know what they are looking up online etc - internet was just starting out when I was at school).

Weekly boarded 12-18: Sunday night travel to school from 6pm, hang out.

Monday - Thursday very structured: 7.50am wake up. Breakfast. Short mass a few mornings before school. 15 minutes of supervised study.

9-1 in regular school classes / mixed with larger day school. 1-2 back for 3 course lunch.

2-4 back for classes. 4-4.30/5 sports, every day, walking if you didn't play a team sport. Supervised study 4.30-6 then 7-9 again but during this if you played instruments you got a half hour for practice
6-7 was supper then watching TV for half an hour.
9pm tea/ snack and watching the news. 9.30 up to dorms and hang out/ evening prayers and lights out at 10.30 (11 for older ones). We all had structered chores on certain days - laundry/ dust/ hoover/ change bedding/ helping doing evening tea or hot water bottles.
travel home for weekend from 4pm Friday.

What is the point having kids and then packing them off to a boarding school? My kids come home and I am their safe space. They can talk to me about anything and I love being around them. I would never let another person care for my child. Bullying, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, loneliness. Why? Why potentially subject your child to that? Send them to a day school, they'll get a great education but also grow up surrounded by their family.

Bullying, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and loneliness are not exclusively boarding school issues.

Before I agreed to my son boarding, I spoke to a lot of people who were ex boarders at that particular school - and I only heard good things.

Then I spoke to other parents, and heard about some kids that were struggling, and what was being done to help them, and only heard good things.

Which obviously concerned me, so I did a lot more googling, spoke to teachers and support staff at the school who I found through friends/other parents, spoke to yet more people, and still, heard nothing of significant concern.

The education and educational support my son is getting at his boarding school couldn't be replicated in any other local school - class-size, SEN support, attention from teachers etc. and he missed out on a day place, so we worked with what we had, and TBH, I think it's the best choice for our family.

I think boarders also forget that they don't have the experience of a non-boarding secondary - of the morning rush to get all the books you need ready for the commute and carrying it, with instrument, coat, PE kit etc., trying to do your homework alone at the kitchen table, spending another hour at the other end of the day getting home with all your books, and the impact that has on your relationship with your family too, because perhaps it's not just you on the bus/train getting home, but actually your parent coming to get you, and having to bring younger siblings with them who resent it. How lonely it can be when you're in a large school and don't fit in, whether that's boarding or not.

It's not as simple as boarding is always bad - sometimes the alternatives are worse.

BF went to boarding school. It was incredibly scheduled - from wake up to morning chapel, lessons, prep, sport, bedtime and weekends pretty much the same.
Little free time. Little decision making around own life. Bullying and sexual abuse between older and younger kids rife.
Didn't sound like fun.

Oh, and BF struggles greatly with things I would consider normal life chores. Getting up and out on time, with all the right kit, getting places on time, cooking, laundry... but if you're catered to by staff and teachers for half your life, I guess that's what happens.

@Alsoplayspiccolo
My DH went to boarding school for 6th form - sorted his own scholarship - and absolutely loved it- still talks about experiences he had there. He did however get far worse A levels than he should have done. School was very prestigious and had amazing extra curricular but wasn’t focussed on academics at the time and I don’t think much has changed. If we had the resources he would have no issue sending our daughters - we don’t have the resources so luckily that’s not a battle we had to have. For what it’s worth I think a mature 16 year old going away from home is a fundamentally different experience altogether to younger children. I can also see that it is hard for you - I’m not really coping with the thought of my eldest leaving for uni and obviously I really do want that experience for her.

I also agree that these threads gets unnecessarily heated and I don’t often join in because of that. I think the majority of ex boarding school kids understand that their parents were doing what they thought was best, (and sometimes absolutely was the best choice for a variety of circumstances) and that they chose schools carefully and so on. I know my mum couldn’t come to the airport because of how upset she would get so we would say goodbye at home and my dad would take me. Of course that meant I was in floods of tears through customs on my own, until probably a year later when I had mastered the cut off that was necessary to make the switch from home to school and hold it together. I expect my DD to be a bit weepy when she leaves home and then to make the same adjustment as I did- the difference is I think it is more age appropriate and healthier for her to be doing this at 18 than me at 14.

I do not talk about this with my parents because I don’t want them to feel bad because they made the choices they did with love and because it’s in the past and nothing can be done about it now. If they hear any stories about what we were up to they feel sort of duped that the experience they thought they were getting for us was not the reality, and possibly guilty and I don’t want them to feel that. Since I have had kids my mum occasionally comes close to asking me how I feel about it but I shut those conversations down- no good can come if it frankly. Broadly I am a success story in that I didn’t get an eating disorder or a drug habit, I made a few life long friends, had some interesting experiences and am pretty self sufficient and resilient.

I think it should be possible to discuss boarding school without it becoming an attack or a perceived attack on parents who chose that option.

I also agree with others that saying better communication/ flexiboarding have fundamentally changed the experience is ignoring the reality that children who are not living with their families have an emotional adjustment to make- whether parents want to admit that or not. It is NOT the same as living at home and thinking about the cost / benefit of that is important and shouldn’t be dismissed as irrelevant.

From age 8 - 14 I went to what was considered one of the 'best' girl's boarding schools. Full time boarder - this was in the 60s - early 70s. Bullied mercilessly from age 9 - 12 (sexual and emotional abuse and sent to Coventry) by the dormitory head who turned everyone against me because they were too scared she might turn on them instead. I realised much later that she was a complete misfit with a clearly sadistic personality disorder / mental health problem.

We lived in the UK, around a 3 hour drive away but I was dumped there by my parents who were too 'busy' to have us (my brother was also boarding at a different school) home for half term, or even for the day out we were allowed the 2 Sundays either side of half term. So I was left at the school along with the girls whose parents lived abroad.

By age 14 I was escaping down the fire escape after lights out to meet with the local boys who would take me and my friend for a spin on the back of their motorbikes. Virginity taken at 13. Runaway missing person age 15.

Learnt nothing except how to survive in a cruel and hostile world.

I married a lovely man from a council estate and our children went to the local state schools. They are happy and successful adults who still live locally and visit often. I wouldn't send my children to boarding school if you paid me all the riches in the world.

I know boarding schools have changed, but the stuff that goes on that nobody except the child knows is horrifying. I am still traumatised and live my life very differently to my parents. If I gained anything it is that I learned how not to do family life, so I could do it differently.

'I think the majority of ex boarding school kids understand that their parents were doing what they thought was best,'

Do they though? I know a lot of private school educated and boarding school educated people ( my industry attracts that type) and very few of them think that their parents did it for any reason other than status, appearances, avoiding the hassle of raising kids + having a career, or just the obvious benefits of shipping off kids just as they hit puberty and become a pain in the arse.
Particularly as from an education point of view there were numerous non boarding options - including private school, tutors - and enough money to have childcare help or nannies etc at home