To ask what boarding school is like

[Thesweetlife]

I went to a ‘normal’ state school and so did all my friends, both when I was a child and now. My life in my childhood/early teen years consisted of going to school, going home, eating tea with my family, watching TV, saw my friends on the weekends etc. It was quite a mundane life but I was very happy in my school days. I guess I wonder what it’s like to go to boarding school. How was your (or your DC’s) life different to that of the normal child/teen? Where you happy at your time at boarding school? Have you been shaped by it in the long run? How did it influence you in the long run? What sort of things went on that someone who went to a day school would be surprised by?

I agree with your reasons for it getting heated.

But also we need to recognise that there is much more contact possible these days, either via mobile phones / video calls, plus also new concepts such as flexi boarding and more frequent use of weekly boarding.

I guess what I'm getting at is that asking 'What is boarding school like (now)?' is not at all the same as asking 'What was boarding school like (10-50 years ago)?' and yet people answer as if it is.

I boarded from 11-16 and absolutely loved it!

we had a strict routine which I thrived under, loads of after school activities. I was lazy by nature so needed the structure of set prep times etc.

i was a weekly boarder but rarely wanted to go home on Fridays and chose to stay at school. I'm friends with the people I schooled with even now.

I never got on well with my mum and have no relationship with her now but I'll always be very grateful for the money they spent on my education.

weirdly, I couldn't stand the thought of my own children boarding. I'd miss them way too much. If my kids wake at night I want them near me, not matron.

Yes, my son's boarding right now - he loves the school otherwise but isn't really liking the boarding - and the school is bending over backwards to figure out what we can do. He's home every weekend, they're saying he could do a mid-week too if he needs it (logistics, and available spaces at the school makes him being a day pupil a difficult proposition), he calls every night, chats online with me during the day. Bullying stomped on immediately when reported - I'm very impressed with it all, having been super-reluctant to take the step of sending him to board.

It's very, very different to the Mallory towers, dumped off with a trunk at the beginning of term and not seeing them til Christmas!

I didn’t go to boarding school but know people that do and it’s a mixed bag. Some love it and the school do lots of after school activities and others don’t. My kids go to state schools but they don’t sit around after school. They do swimming lessons. Sports clubs, Lego clubs, library visits, play park meet-ups and go out to play with local kids. I think it’s lifestyle choice.

Sure, but there are still similarities and the breezy “oh it’s all SO different now” dismisses the lived experiences of many - for want of a better phrase - boarding-traumatised people.

Phones and FaceTime and flexi boarding may have improved comms but it’s still not the same. I say this with a DC at uni 7 hours away, who we speak to by FaceTime and text all the time. Nothing, but nothing, makes up for not sharing a house with a safe person who you can casually ask a question to, at a time of your choosing. Or a private safe space that is only yours. This is what boarding school deprives you of, then and now.

My life in my childhood/early teen years consisted of going to school, going home, eating tea with my family, watching TV, saw my friends on the weekends etc

^ just thinking that this won't be everyone's experience of attending state school either. Most people I know spent their childhoods "playing out" after school with friends, having adventures on bikes etc or doing various extra curricular activities.

The fundamentals remain the same, tbh.

Obviously more safeguarding and less bullying as in all schools, no corporal punishment, but ultimately if you send a human child out of the family in their formative years, it has a predictable psychological impact. How big/what variety of impact on any specific individual is down to various factors to do with personality, upbringing and luck.

Me and my 3 siblings all went to boarding school.

For reasons varying from divorce disputes, parents work, drug problems.. so there are many reasons why children go.

What is it like... imo fairly regimented as there were structured times for most things. Obviously there is free time but that is sort of structured to what you can and cant do as well.

Do I regret going? No. It was what was best for me at the time, and it kept me away from a lot of other stuff that was happening behind the scenes.

My experience is you either hate it because you are bullied, or like it because you are part of the bullying group.There is no in-between.

My niece is at boarding school, she started this school year (year 10)

she absolutely loves it, but she’s a very confident and sporty young lady and I think that makes a difference. Her sister is going next year and she’s much more sensitive and shy so we’ll see if she has as good a time.

but ultimately if you send a human child out of the family in their formative years, it has a predictable psychological impact. How big/what variety of impact on any specific individual is down to various factors to do with personality, upbringing and luck

You see I disagree with quite a bit of this:
'send' implies lack of choice for the child
'formative years' - So if this referring to boarding at say 8, or 11, or 13?
'predicatable psychological impact' - that implies that every single boarding school child will have the same response, just to a greater or lesser degree
'impact.... down to various factors' might then be saying that either greater/lesser degree or might be trying to say actually some children have a different reaction.

The idea of the shy sensitive sibling going is sending shivers down my spine tbh.

@TimingIsABitch Yeah I’m not convinced it’s the best move but her sister is there and she wants to go to. (She has the option not to)

I had the option not to, and I wanted to go.

Once I was there, it seemed like failure and too much to ask my parents to move me, as I had requested it and made the choice. Plus the scary thing of swapping schools mid year etc.

I was lucky and circumstances meant I left at 14. But I think the damage had been done largely by then.

I couldn't bear not bringing my own children up, but also trusting strangers to bring my children up - so BS isn't for me. I have friends who went and the majority say it was dreadful, but I think personality is a key thing. I also have a child who masked autism til she was 13 and had a complete existential breakdown, literally had no idea, and BS would have been so awful for her I dread to think what would have happened had she not had me and her dad caring for her around the clock - school were useless!

I think that it's really important to differentiate between boarding school of the past and modern day boarding schools. There have been huge changes. Many people assume that Boarding school means child dropped there in September and don't go home until half term or Christmas.

This still exists in some schools, but these days most schools see a lot of their pupils either weekly board or flexi board a couple of nights a week.

Boarding is expensive and Boarders are very valuable to schools. Therefore schools put a lot of time and effort into ensuring that the boarding experience is excellent. Gone are the days of cold showers and stark dormitories, some boarding houses are more like hotels with en-suite rooms and state of the art tech. Boarding houses are more like family homes.

Is boarding school for anyone? No certainly not, but a lot of people make judgements based on completely outdated and uneducated, stereotypes of 30+ years ago.

I boarded from 11-16. It was a mixed council boarding school. My home life was very toxic due to my awful step father so was immensely happy be away from the family home, I was also an only child and loved the friendships I made at school. I had a very positive experience and it shaped me to be independent and resilient. Would I send my own DC there, probably not but not because it was an awful experience but because I would miss them too much and really enjoy thier company.

My brother boarded from 8 (he started as a day boy but begged to board as he was missing out), I went at 11-18.

Boarding schools now are so different - we barely saw our parents in term time and we had one phone call a week,and had to letter write on Sunday mornings after church. It was a small, all girls convent, which closed recently. I was very happy because I was extremely sporty so was always on a court/horse/in a pool/away at matches - my brother was similar.

I went to a small gathering of schoolfriends last weekend (we are all turning 50 this year) and everyone's experiences were different - some people hated it, some loved it. Probably a bit like state school really.....

The absolute best part of boarding for me was the opportunity to get a lot of my growing up and teenage rebellion done out of sight of my parents.

Looking back, it probably wasn't very sensible for the school to give me my school report to hand carry back to my parents in a open envelope with individual pages for reports from different teachers. I simply removed any which were in any way critical.

Second best part was the friendships I made. Had lunch yesterday with two friends from those days, over fifty years ago, with whom I am still very close.

Yes, I could have made better use of the facilities but overall, it was a very privileged life and I've done well. There is honestly no way to know whether those two statements are actually connected, though I suspect they might be.

The question remains, though, whether it would have been better if my parents had put the money towards buying me a home ? The answer to that question depends a lot on the quality of the state provision of education.

Overall, I do think that outcomes would be better if the quality of state provision of education were so good that no one considered any alternative provision. We are a long way from that situation and I don't see anything changing in the current climate.

I boarded in the 80s / early 90s. It does have an effect on you, and not great in my case for a long list of reasons. Partly my dad didn’t want me to go and now he’s passed away I feel I missed a lot of time with him. I wouldn’t board my kids.

I hated my boarding experience (10-14). I couldn’t wait to get out and I didn’t keep in touch with anyone from the school.

I went in the 80s and bullying was endemic. As a PP wrote up thread, there was sexual ‘bullying’ too, along with alcohol and some drug (weed) use. I don’t remember any pregnancies, but there were certainly sexual relationships, (80/20 mix of boys to girl boarders at that time), some of them quite blatant.

The house masters were generally pretty absent and either clueless, or knew but couldn’t / wouldn’t put things right. Boarding schools like to say they’ve improved and perhaps they have. I didn’t risk sending my DC to one though.

-send - it is always the parents' decision at the end of the day, but you can use the word 'place' I suppose. The outcome is the same, the child is no longer living full time within a family unit.
-formative years - all of those ages are clearly in the formative years, humans in the UK are deemed legally adult at 18.
-regarding psychological impact - yes the impacts are predictable, yes it ranges person to person. This is completely obvious. I stated quite clearly it varies from person to person at individual level.

I was a weekly boarder from age 11. I missed home so much. I had some fun, but overall it was an intense environment as there’s no time off from being with your friends. There were (understandably) lots of rules around times to eat/wash/do prep/watch tv/sleep and strict expectations of keeping the dorm tidy. Kind of like a mini army experience, even though it was generally a nice school 😂

There was always some drama amongst the girls. Someone was always the odd one out. Someone was always in charge.

I was able to hold my own, had lots of friends, thankfully was never bullied. But school 24/5 was intense.

Home was a place to relax and be cosseted. School was the opposite.

I would never send my DC to boarding school. Home is where the heart is. I’ll love them, cherish them and raise them as individuals, not send them off to be part of a collective.

I'd say it depends entirely on the child, the family circumstances, and the particular school. You couldn't generalise about independent day schools or comprehensive schools any more than you can generalise about boarding schools. My DC1 did say he didn't want to share a room, which narrowed our choices down somewhat - but, happily, he got his first and only choice of school. My other DC regarded it as one big sleepover so went to schools which involved sharing space.