To ask what boarding school is like

[Thesweetlife]

I went to a ‘normal’ state school and so did all my friends, both when I was a child and now. My life in my childhood/early teen years consisted of going to school, going home, eating tea with my family, watching TV, saw my friends on the weekends etc. It was quite a mundane life but I was very happy in my school days. I guess I wonder what it’s like to go to boarding school. How was your (or your DC’s) life different to that of the normal child/teen? Where you happy at your time at boarding school? Have you been shaped by it in the long run? How did it influence you in the long run? What sort of things went on that someone who went to a day school would be surprised by?

'I realised much later that she was a complete misfit with a clearly sadistic personality disorder / mental health problem.'

The type pf teachers attracted to living at and teaching in a boarding school cold be a whole other thread in itself...

'Bullying, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and loneliness are not exclusively boarding school issue'

No they're not, but I know that my children are much safer from those at home with parents who love them, living with us, than living in an institution full of adults they don't know, and children who may be feeling emotionally neglected and rejected just for being there in the first place.

Seeing my children every day means I have a pretty good idea of how they are.

This is a great reply.

I boarded 13-18

My school was known for being small, nurturing and progressive - and it was, to an extent.

The bullying for the first two years was so bad it drove me to self-harm and suicidal ideation - and I certainly wasn't the only one.

The school advertised itself - as all boarding schools do - as having a full programme of enrichment at the weekends, great facilities and clubs and activities, yada yada - it did have great facilities, if you were a horsy person or a boy who liked squash/cricket, but most of us spent the weekends hanging around in a daze watching tv and eating supernoodles. There were long, long afternoons of absolutely fuck all going on.

I've worked in schools (state schools, mostly) and never have I seen the level of drinking, drug-taking, bullying, underage sex, sexual assault, bullying and general dangerous behaviour. Supervision in these places during unstructured times is MINIMAL, whatever they tell you.

The worst aspect of it, for me and many of my peers, is the emotional deprivation; I recently came across the term "skin hunger" while researching something else, and I sat and cried. It described exactly how I felt during my boarding school years. You spend weeks at a time not encountering anyone who loves you. No hugs. No arm around you when you're distraught. However friendly and professional and wonderful a teacher might be, they don't love you, and they're not allowed to touch you. I think I smothered my kids a bit by way of compensation.

I'm not saying there aren't positives to boarding; of course there are, or nobody would choose it. Our school had a farm, and fabulous art/music/sports facilities. There were frequent trips to see the RSC in Stratford, the teaching was good (though not, interestingly, better than the decent state schools I've known). We did make some lifelong friends; they're more like siblings or cousins, really. I wouldn't send any child in my care to board though, because the downsides hugely outweigh the positives and the scars just aren't worth it. And it's often the ones who will say they "loved it" who are the most scarred, emotionally.

Can I ask if you have any actual first hand experience of boarding school?

If not then it's a shame you feel the need to comment on a post asking about boarding school with opinions that have no actual relevance.

'Can I ask if you have any actual first hand experience of boarding school?'

Yes.
And I don't care how great they tell you they are in the brochure they are institutions. Institutions full of young children who haven't chosen to be there. ( Being in education I consider 13 to still be very young, because it is).

And one of the best teachers I know, is HoD at a very famous school. A very famous one, world renowned. And she has told me she feels sorry for the pupils who board there, because even the best, most compassionate teachers - as I would consider her to be - don't love the children. They 'care' in a professional capacity, if at all. And the thing she sees daily is their clamouring for attention and love, until they harden and it becomes something else.
She lives at the school.

Lives at the school that parents pay a fortune to send their child to, often from overseas, and she still does't think boarding is good for kids.

Did you not tell them til then because it took you that long to work it all out? I would be very interested to hear how many people have ever been honest to their parents about the effects they have suffered. I don't think many if any of my friends have. Those that have were labelled ungrateful and like you have suffered rifts with their parents. People don't want to accept that they damaged their children especially when they felt they were doing the best for them.

I think it's very common for parents to be delighted that their children are boarding and harp on about it to them being such a great opportunity/sacrifice, how lucky they are, so the children cannot voice their real thoughts without seeming ungrateful.

'I think it's very common f'or parents to be delighted that their children are boarding and harp on about it to them being such a great opportunity/sacrifice, how lucky they are, so the children cannot voice their real thoughts without seeming ungrateful.'

Yeah, common for kids to put on a brave face, once they realise they aren't coming home that is - once they realise this is it, after being told to stick out a term, the next term, the year.

I boarded a long long time ago (70s). I think it’s very different now - most are weekly boarders and it’s much easier to stay in touch with modern tech. I started aged 9 (which I can hardly believe now!), but had been there for a year as a day pupil so it wasn’t such a shock. I actually enjoyed it and 15 of us now have a WhatsApp group, but as a PP has said we really did bring each other up and it has affected me in later life. I was talking to my sister about it recently and we decided that it gave us both a hard edge and we never had the relationship with our mother that we both have with our own (now grown up) daughters. Mum doesn’t know the difference, but we see it quite clearly.

As I say though, I think it is very completely different experience nowadays, but I wouldn’t have encouraged my own DD to board.

I think it's very common for parents to be delighted that their children are boarding and harp on about it to them being such a great opportunity/sacrifice, how lucky they are, so the children cannot voice their real thoughts without seeming ungrateful.

I think a lot of these children that felt like this are probably on the stately homes thread.

It takes a certain kind of person to ignore their child who looks unhappy at the prospect (even if they don't vocalise it) and then tell them they should be grateful.

Most children if they don't verbalise something will show it with actions. I personally couldn't ever ignore any child that was showing signs of being desperately unhappy. Sadly that cannot be said for all people.

I have no doubt that some kids do have negative effects from boarding - and I do think that there is a definite risk of not knowing what is going on (and this is the reason I wouldn’t send my kids even if I had the money - there is a lot of stuff on the internet now and it is hard to monitor).

BUT - it can work out well - some people do genuinely enjoy it. It’s really different from being in care (at least in my experience) - because you see your parents every 3 weeks due to exeat, long holidays, additional weekends out if you have special celebrations etc.

Some kids in care see their parents every week.

If I hear the theme of Antique's roadshow or last of the summer whine, I am triggered back to being 13 again and being driven back to school. It took me years and years to recover, now and then such feelings of sadness descend upon me that I cannot explain it. My home life wasn't particularly happy and was probably saved from a lot of crap. But we pretty much brought ourselves up within strict parameters of regimented lifestyle. We did nothing at mine but study in the evening. No after school clubs. I think things are different now due to competition.

@PeachesPudding you hit the nail on the head. I just crave now my own company because I never had it. Such an intense experience.

@ExistenceOptional - ah, thanks for that, I didn’t realise. I have a close relationship with my parents and siblings.

@Namenic It depends why they are in care. Obviously some children have no contact with their parents. But it is thought best where safe to try and keep a relationship going between children and parents.

Honestly, get a grip. People are sharing their experiences and an interesting discussion is being had. Stop getting ruffled because you have children/other family at boarding school and it doesn't suit you personally to hear anything negative.

This is so interesting. I read an article on 'Boarding School Syndrome' a while ago. From what many of you are saying, it stacks up.

Did you not tell them til then because it took you that long to work it all out?

@OldieButBaddie it's complicated. A lot of stuff it took me a long time to work out, but I couldn't bring myself to voice some of the shame and humiliation I experienced, so I never told them.

The things I have worked out have come about with the support of an ex-boarders fellowship, where we share our stories and do our best to comfort each other. A great deal said in that group is so familiar and finally helped me understand some of the discomfort I'd felt inside for decades. The sense of abandonment and not knowing where 'home' is, getting along with anyone but belonging nowhere, the hypervigilance and reluctance to join groups. No one else in my family went to boarding school, so they didn't know what those places can be like, so it's been very hard to talk to family about what happened. My dear brother told me he thought I was 'having a lovely time with the other little girls' and was horrified when I told him the truth. And, y'know, I look back at old photos from school and we're all smiling, but the smiles are mainly Happy Masks, they hide the hurt.

'I have no doubt that some kids do have negative effects from boarding '

Oh mate. It's not some. 'Some' children might escape too many negative effects.

A further thought. Even children who are full boarders come home between school holidays. When we looked at DC1's school, they were very concerned to tell us that we would have to be able to manage without seeing our DC for 2.5-3 weeks at a time - so it's hardly the case that they are packed off and then collected 6 weeks later. They also have very, very long holidays (often late June - mid Sept).

@EstoPerpetua you talk as if it’s normal not to see your own young children 3 weeks at a time.
god knows it would be easier to farm them out to someone else to look after…

They don't if they live thousands of miles away. I absolutely never went home between the long holidays. Half term was at my grandparents' house (better, but not home) or a friend's. There will be plenty of children in boarding schools still like this. We were packed off and collected 10-13 weeks later (actually not collected, we flew by ourselves). Holidays were usually 4 weeks Christmas, 4 weeks Easter, 8-9 weeks summer.

I went to boarding school at 8. The book Boarding School Syndrome by Joy Schaverien accurately describes the characteristics common to me and every other person I have ever met who attended boarding school. You can also find her talking on YouTube if you're interested.

I am still very good friends with the girls (women) I made friends with at my second school (aged 12-18). We're sort of bonded for life by the weirdness of being told you're so lucky and privileged, whilst feeling like you no longer belong in your own family/home.

If I were to see anyone from the prep school I attended, I'm sure I would have a full-on panic attack. The horrors of what children can do to each other at a young age.